<p>i really help on this college essay. I need someone to critique my essay. Can someone please comment or pm me!</p>
<p>I can do it…you can’t PM it as your posts didn’t exceed 30(or 20)…So, email it</p>
<p>thank you so much! i just sent it to you</p>
<p>I got it. I’ll reply by tomorrow because its 12:52 AM here.</p>
<p>Just one question. What do you want me to do? provide a critique?</p>
<p>Which prompt did you take up?</p>
<p>yea just say want you think about it and i need help on which topic to choose from that my essay answers because both topics sounds the same to me.</p>
<p>Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
or
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.</p>
<p>Go with historical figure one…the former prompt should contain content about the person who has had a direct influence.</p>
<p>thank you! =D</p>
<p>Your essay, regardless of the prompt, should focus on you. You allotted just one 4-line paragraph for yourself; that’s not the way. I recommend to remove the first paragraph as it seems irrelevant to the prompt; also, you don’t have much space to put matter like that. Insert another paragraph focusing on YOU. Write down any significant anecdote that supports your main point(how you are influenced by B**** **E).</p>
<p>In your paragraph about B**** **E, correct your tenses. The sentences must be in past tense(no “would” : replace it by any past form of the verb); for example, “he would overcome it by doing rigorous exercise” should be “he overcame this trouble by rigorous exercise”(there are many such errors in that paragraph). </p>
<p>This example also shows the way you need to modify the sentences overcoming wordiness(by doing rigorous exercising), wrong pronoun reference(what does “it” refers to?back problem or the trouble caused by it?).</p>
<p>okay thanks much appreciated !</p>
<p>the first three lines of the paragraph, which I mentioned in the above comment, can be combined. Atleast combine the first two sentences. The first sentence is very awkward.</p>
<p>Sorry, its the paragraph which comes before the one I mentioned in my comment, the one which starts with “Growing…”</p>
<p>so the first paragraph is good and the second one needs revising?</p>
<p>What do you mean by first paragraph? I already suggested you to remove the first paragraph of your essay.</p>
<p>The paragraph that starts something like this : “Growing up and watching…”</p>
<p>This paragraph’s first sentence looks awkward. So, combine it with the second sentence or combine the first three sentences.</p>
<p>“I would always try to replicate his moves, but I would always end up injuring myself.” Change this to :
"I had always tried to emulate his moves, but ended up injuring myself.</p>
<p>Sorry i was confused. thanks a lot for your feedback it really help me a lot</p>
<p>Also will you be willing to look at my revised essay when im done. you dont have to if you dont want to</p>
<p>“I became very intrigued about B**** **E’s art and genius, so I did some research. Learning about his background and story showed me that it was somewhat similar to mine.” Change this to:
“Intrigued by his art and genius, I dug into his life and found it somewhat similar to mine.”</p>
<p>Yep sure…I can take a look</p>
<p>Reduce the sentences that don’t talk about you in the way I showed above…It gives you enough space to talk about you; it also does not reduce the focus on you influential figure.</p>