<p>Second semester my son decided to switch dorms because in his words, "his roommate's behavior was making him uncomfortable". He initiated the move and only told us after he had met with the housing department and received permission to move. He is perfectly happy with his new living situation and until a few days ago we thought that was the end of it. This weekend he called us and told us that his old roommate has been passively aggressively bullying him. He has been trying to handle it himself but feels the situation is becoming so uncomfortable that he needed our advice. A few examples: After he moved out, my son switched his eating schedule to avoid former roommate. Roommate promptly switched his schedule to match my son's. On occasion he even sits at the same table. Friends have informed my son that the former roommate has been spreading several lies about him. This weekend the former roommate and a female friend showed up at the same party as my son and the two of them talked disparagingly about him so that my son could hear. The former roommate has also be cozying up to several of my son's closest friends and former girlfriends, hanging out with them, inviting them to his parties, etc. If this were a big university in a large city it would be much easier for my son to avoid this person and seek out a completely new social circle but he attends a small, rural LAC where everyone is friends with everyone so that is virtually impossible. I am at a loss what to tell him and would appreciate the wisdom of any other cc'rs who have dealt with a similar situation.</p>
<p>Not exaclty the same sitution, but my D called campus security regarding another student who seemed to have a psychotic break and he ended up being admitted for a two day psych observation. In retaliation the kid started sitting in the dining hall staring at D, making remarks, and tried to start some rumors among her peers. D is unfortunately used to being bullied and decided to use the ignore technique. She also has a few friends who have her back so to speak and who, while not cutting the other person socially, would not dream of hanging out with him in the aftermath. It may be your S has to suck it up and the drama will cease over time as the former roommate will get bored. The dean at D’s college did offer a no contact order, but D did not want to go there. I am sorry I don’t have anything more than sympathy for you. Hopefully your S’ close friends will realize the former roommate is playing games and will refuse to play.</p>
<p>“… and the two of them talked disparagingly about him so that my son could hear.”</p>
<p>Walk up to them, tell the people to whom they are talking something along the lines of “Don’t listen to this bully. It’s not true. Would you like to know the truth from me?” If they do, you make a point to the bully. If they don’t, do you want to be with those people?</p>
<p>“… has also be cozying up to several of my son’s closest friends and former girlfriends, hanging out with them, inviting them to his parties, etc.”</p>
<p>Only those who refuse to hang out or go to the parties are your true friends.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son has done everything right so far: changing rooms and eating schedules - avoidance would be the number one choice but as that is not working and the old roommate has the type of insecurity that drives him to bullying behavior your son will have to deal with it more directly - imho. This type of passive bullying is too subtle to have an RA deal with it - your son will have to deal with it if at all possible. </p>
<p>I have had to advise my D along these lines - in a public setting your S. needs to indicate very obviously that this is a real ‘yawn’ situation - if he can get a friend in on it they can become fairly loudly bored saying, ‘wow, thought we left high school behind’ type comments - there needs to be an audience and exaggerated shows of having really moved on from this type of behavior. This kid will be shamed into stopping. If the old roommate were actively aggressive it would be a whole different story.</p>
<p>D actually never had to deal with this in hs but much to my utter amazement she did in college - she was becoming nervous and demoralized and she finally took the bull by the horns and turned the tables around on this girl. Turned out the girl had some serious problems and believes now my D is one of her true friends (!) Go figure. I guess this is part of the bully’s mentality. Sorry he has to go through this!</p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p>Well… the court case at Dartmouth isn’t exactly a good example since the whole thing has been thrown out and apparently the victim has been proven unreliable. However…</p>
<p>I will agree with those who say speaking up on one’s behalf is the way to go. Where I live, passive aggressive behavior is pretty much how people roll. It’s truly annoying. But the thing these personality types hate most is being called out on the behavior. </p>
<p>I don’t agree that people who go to parties etc are not his friends - after all, at a small LAC a party sometimes is just a party. However, the next time it happens at a gathering where they are both present I encourage your son to say something to the effect of: “If you have a problem with me, talk to me and I will tell you exactly why I didn’t want to be your roommate. I wouldn’t think you’d want that to be public information, but if you’d like to have this conversation in front of mutual friends, I have no problem with that. However, if you think I’m just going to stand here while you yammer on about me like some middle school girl, you’re wrong.” </p>
<p>The guy is probably harmless given the behavior, but only your s really knows how harmless he was. Did he give you any background as to what exactly was making him uncomfortable? My biggest advice is to not let this alienate him from his other friends and acquaintances. Again, I don’t agree that these other kids aren’t his friends. But I do believe that sometimes a very direct conversation is all that is needed to stop the behavior in its tracks. Ignoring the problem or trying to act as if it doesn’t exist is not very empowering to your own child. Sometimes you need to stand up, take a deep breath, slightly puff the chest and call it like it is. The ex-roomates’s needs to bring other people into the middle of it sounds very insecure. Of course, this is at the heart of Bullying behavior.</p>
<p>PS… while I am not a fan of Dr Phil, I have taken to asking myself, “what’s this person’s pay off here?” And if your S doesn’t know (beyond making him feel an outsider), asking him directly might encourage the bullykid to use a little reflection on what he is getting out of it…</p>
<p>When they returned for second semester the weekend partying was stepped up and was beginning to spill over into the week days. My son mentioned to his roommate that this new behavior was becoming a distraction. He asked him to tone it down. In response, the roommate started moving my son’s things around. For instance, if my son left a book he was reading for his literature class on his desk when he left for class he would find the bookmark in a new place when returned. Or he would come back to the room and find his IPOD in a different drawer than where he left it. If he went to talk to someone down the hall for a few minutes he would return and find an absurd posting on his fb wall. When my son confronted him, the roommate said my son was crazy. For the next day or so he would slam doors and drawers and stomp loudly whenever my son was in the room trying to study. My son spoke to his RA and she agreed he should move out, which he promptly did.</p>
<p>Well… there ya go. </p>
<p>I stand by my advice. I don’t think he would want people to hear his inability to respect other people’s personal belongings, going through their things and basically the things one learns in kindergarten. Yep… next time your S overhears comments or the kid disparages your S, he needs to speak up. I would also be sure to advise S, however, to not go down to the bully’s level by disparaging him to others. And if someone else wants S to play that game to politically decline and again point out the MS schoolgirl mentality that he is refusing to engage in - even if it would make your S feel better.</p>
<p>disagree with SimpleRules – taking it public often escalates it into drama and confrontation. And there is no “shaming” a bully of this caliber — that reaction (where OP’s son puts a lot of effort into rallying his friends and creating a feud) is exactly what the bully is after.</p>
<p>ignoring this kind of behavior for a few days might stop it, but it might not. Adults are always telling students to “just ignore” bullying and that rarely helps. Nor does direct confrontation.Nor does getting an RA involved, unless OP’s son feels there’s some danger or threat in which case he should RUN to get an RA or student services involved.</p>
<p>keep a logbook of incidents for future reference. And don’t confront him in public. Find a quiet opportunity (where the ex. is not supported by a pile of people) to say what do you need from me, exactly? An apology? Then here it is…I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Keep avoiding him.</p>
<p>as far as friends and all that, OP’s son is just going to have to get a thicker skin. His friends won’t go along with it, and you can’t control what your whole peer group is talking about.</p>
<p>If ignoring doesn’t work, and it didn’t, consider the next step. Bullies only desist when confronted – clearly – by a power greater than themselves, and told to stop. </p>
<p>Were it my son, I’d say: go find him alone in his dorm room. Take along at least one other friend (3 is better) to stand there in silent witness with arms crossed, listening. All stand in the doorway as S calmly reads bully the riot act. List the specific recent behaviors and say, after each one, “and this has to stop.” At the end say very assertively, “DO you understand what I’m saying?” When bully says, “yes,” say, “Good!” Then quickly turn on his heels and walk away with the group. ('nuff said).</p>
<p>Don’t ask for apologies from a bully. Find consolation when the situation changes.</p>
<p>Similar situation, but the “bully” was an ex-bf. D went to the campus counseling center and security. Bottom line, there is little that could be done until he did something more than spread rumors. </p>
<p>In the end, she did confront him. I’m not sure he has completely stopped the chatter, but she did discover his “pay off.” Once you know that, situations become easier to control.</p>
<p>OL–what was the payoff? Just curious.
and Paying–I wouldn’t suggest “find him alone in his dorm room”. WAY too confrontational. (I can see it now–"and then my crazy ex-roommate shows up on my doorstep with all his friends demanding…I’m a totally innocent bystander!)
People are nuts sometimes–that’s what’s started the whole thread! </p>
<p>I do have a friend who ran into this sort of thing (but as an adult which I think makes it easier but not much more so). Total avoidance seems to be the best cure.</p>
<p>It’s possible the other kid senses a power imbalance, ie, that he can cause your son grief. That coming close or saying something makes S break out in a sweat. If your son has the confidence to simply ignore and move forward, great. If he feels threatened, if it qualifies as harassment, that’s another matter- and should be brought to adult attention. </p>
<p>If this other kid is off balance, he’s not going to get reasoning and trying to intimidate him could fuel the fire. And, you don’t want anything that could be blamed on your son. </p>
<p>D recently went through something like this. Long story. The admin won’t know about problems like this if they aren’t informed. There are policies about harassment and intimidation.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your concern and your advice. My son called today and told me he decided to speak to someone in the Administration and they gave him several suggestions as to how he can proceed. They definitely felt his concerns were valid. He is not sure what he wants to do if anything (leaning towards continued avoidance for a bit longer to see if the former roommate gets bored) but at least the college is aware of what is going on.</p>
<p>As someone who has a daughter who had a scary crazy roommate I am amazed at all of the people who suggested your son confront this person. You have no idea how far this person will go if pushed! I hope he continues to talk to admin if these problems persist or escalate. The fact that admin felt his concerns were valid really makes me wonder what else this person has done. Keeping a written record of the issues may also be helpful. If he does confront the person he absolutely must have witnesses.</p>
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<p>No, not this way. This reminds me far too strongly of what got OJ Simpson into trouble.</p>
<p>^Where’s the “like” button for #16?</p>
<p>I like the suggestion that your son have witnesses. I like that your son is involving the administration. Is there anyone who can be your son’s friend through all of this drama? Sometimes bullies like to pick on the loners, but will stop if that person has a friend nearby.</p>
<p>Gouf, his pay-off was attention, mostly hers. The situation, which seemed borderline stalker to me (but admittedly I only heard one side) went on until about mid-January.</p>
<p>D1 was “stalked” by her ex for few months. He called and texted her non stop, sometimes really sweet, and sometimes really abusive. We chose not to change her phone number, but kept all the record. She did not respond to any of his communication. We were lucky that he eventually did move on.</p>
<p>In the OP’s case, I would advise him to speak his friends about the situation and ask them not to have anything to do with the “crazy person.” Since it is a small school, calmer OP’s son stays, and crazier his roommate gets, more people will take OP son’s side. I think I would give it few more weeks with the “ignore button,” maybe this person will just get over the fact that his roommate disliked him so much that he moved out. The roommate probably just felt dissed because his roommate left him.</p>