ExACTly! and 10 seconds still isnt long enough!
That sample text, OP… You aren’t writing letters to camp. Asking about movies he has seen is like cocktail party conversation… my kids wouldn’t respond to that, either. My kids respond to texts about the dead mouse I found in the garage or to the news that I sold their car (they knew it was happening, no worries), or that Grandma let it slip that their Cousin Joey didn’t get a job because he failed a drug test. Send few texts, but with a nugget they care about.
We are also two weeks into the experience of having our son start college and it’s been much harder than I expected. I thought I was more prepared. Realistic. Ready. So excited for our son and the opportunities he will have. And I have a busy life - full time job, a younger child ,volunteer commitments etc.
But the reality is that at times I feel like a part of me missing. I find myself thinking of him all the time. Wondering what he is doing. Scanning Facebook and other feeds to find traces of him.
Applying for colleges in the U.S. was a joint project - we did it together and I was there to help every step of the way. But it wasn’t really till he walked out of view at the international terminal that I realised I couldn’t go too. The excited texts slowed down over the next few days as he became absorbed in the effort of adjusting to his new life that it really hit me: It’s over. I can’t share this experience with him. The joint project is over. We (jointly) got him to where he is but now it’s his journey to take alone. Sure we will get snippets of calls and texts and photos - and we will be here if he needs us or if any thing goes wrong - but the communication coming our way will never seem enough. Because that’s just how it is.
my son ONLY responds to text.
OP: I am really impressed with how open you have been to the suggestions here! It would be easy to get defensive about much of the advice being offered, but you haven’t. Kudos to you!
I know that many other posters have already responded, but here’s my two cents.
It’s not healthy—for the child AND the mom—for a mom to sit her her high-school-age son every night to help with homework. You can’t change the past, but you can recognize that perhaps you were there for him too much, and now he is strongly and urgently asserting his independence. Is it possible that he might even be angry at you for being over-involved in HS?
Agree with everyone else who responded: WAY too much. For one data point, my child (freshman) is getting $140/month, with a $200 “bonus” the first month for start-up costs (so, $340 the first month and $140 each subsequent month). This does not include books (uses our Amazon account), and we start her off with toiletries, etc. In addition to that, she gets a fixed yearly clothing allowance, which we have been doing every year since 9th grade.
No, no, no, no, no. No. He is an adult. Suggestion: Tell him that you will pay for no more than four years of college (exception: if he is in a legitimate five-year program, like architecture) and that you will not pay for him to retake any classes he fails. He is responsible for his grades. Stay out of it. You said later on that you are afraid that he will mess up. It is NOT YOUR JOB to rescue him. Step away.
Glad you scrapped this idea 
Forget about tit for tat. That would stoop to his level. Instead, be a role model.
I also don’t want to dismiss the idea that there could be something pathological going on. Spending spree, sudden and extreme over-use of alcohol and drugs, over-the-top behavior and reactions. Has he expressed any grandiose ideas? Any paranoia? You might want to consider checking it out.
Oh, and about parents’ weekend . . . You can go without any expectations. Let him know that you’ll be there if he wants to see you.
Also just to add my voice to the comments on how much money they need- we sent our son off with about $250 in his pocket, enough clothing for the year and an unlimited meal plan. His grandmother had purchased him a “dorm kit” for his birthday so there were sheets, comforter, pillows, towels etc waiting for him in his dorm and his other grandparents have agreed to play for text books. The idea is that he will get a job on campus to cover his minor expenses (by which I take to be beer, pizza, toiletries, movies/netflcks/iTunes, outings). getting a job was what his financial aid package suggested he should be doing for these expenses. Last I heard he was signing up for a job with campus dining services. His roommate was also expecting to work on campus for the same reason.
I don’t have anything to add @collegemom9999 that hasn’t already been said above. My heart does hurt reading about the pain you are in. It hurts, even when it is going well, it just hurts. Hugs.
Do you (or husband) spend $210 per week on beer, haircuts and toiletries? If you don’t, your child doesn’t need that kind of money either.
Good point @twoinanddone! I think most agree here that the allowance needs to be much smaller.
Why does an 18 year old HAVE an allowance? My kids worked the summer before college, and saved graduation and grandparent bday-Xmas gifts to give themselves some money going into college. They worked summers, and one also worked during the year so she could fund an unpaid internship one summer. The younger one does summer research, and saved about $2,000 last summer after her living expenses. They paid books & spending money, and came (or is on track for D2) out of college with money in the bank.
it has been very good for them. They are thoughtful and reasonably frugal in spending money. The one out of college budgets. You can’t just spring this on your kid mid-year, and it sounds like he is in a sport. So at least during his season, he can’t get a campus job. But you should seriously consider giving him notice that next year that is his responsibility so he can plan his summer accordingly. My kids have one of my credit cards, but they know what appropriate used are (mostly emergency related or pre-discussed purchases). The rest is on them.
Romani and others said that your son could be bullied by roommate and older classmates. If he let others know his generous allowance, then he’d be invited out and given the tab. Having been over protected? And naive? Through earlier years, he may have been embarrassed to be put in this situation, and not know how to refuse. In my scenario, he would be too embarrassed to share with you how he feels like a SchmIEL.
My son didn’t get much of an allowance, he had a credit card linked to mine. I could see where his money went. When he got a campus job, I had no way of knowing how he used that money.
I recall no word for weeks into first term. I made a Dead or Alive poster, …last seen wearing cacti shorts etc., and that got a response. My son is in his late 20s, and doesn’t set up voice mail. I’ve learned to send cute texts, pictures of family, whatever. Sometimes serious messages. He does the same. We communicate far more now than we did when he was 17-22.
My son was in college on other coast. I had lane reservations for months. Most of the day was spent with staff and other parents. I wouldn’t have missed that for anything.
Parents weekend
At my kids" colleges, it seemed to be for all students. The years I didn’t go, they were invited out to dinner by same year classmates and their parents who had attended. When I didn’t attend, it was because I was already visiting so many other times, and the kid said “don’t come this weekend, it’s just too busy.” I was there a different time in the same month. I took the friends out when I came. (Maybe the kids had figured out how to increase the number of parent provided meals? lol)
Adding: One of my good friends, a former SAHM with time on her hands and kids at different colleges than mine, used to go annually. I know this because she would be looking for reservations at affordable restaurants to take out her child and a whole bunch of friends.
I am not suggesting others take all the kids out. It could be a budget breaker. All parents do not do this. It is not necessary.
^and of course, many students want and need private one on one time with their parents. That is an important point. Basically, I am just surprised at the idea Family Weekend is just for first-years, since that has not been my experience. ymmv.
Not able to read 117 posts, but am guessing most will suggest to (a) cut down on the emails/texts/calls and (b) cut off the $$. You are in charge of your funds, He is being very disrespectful and you deserve better. He can shape up or have not $. Its you decision, not his. Unless this is some early psych 101 class experiment, I’d consider letting him know, in a short email, that you love him but are not ok with this behavior and you will be cutting his allowance to $20/mo. You understand his desire for some autonomy but he is going about it all wrong.
We never went to parents weekend, instead choosing to visit on another weekend in the fall. The hotels were always overpriced and we are not “planned activities” kind of people. Kids were happy and so were we with this arrangement. Plus it seemed like parents’ weekend always coincided with important school events for the kiddos that were still at home.
My older son prefers email. He doesn’t want a smart phone, not so interested in texts. But if he’s on the computer in the evening he’ll respond to emails, and we can have a slow motion conversation using email.
Younger son only looks at text (and generally doesn’t respond). Not only doesnt respond to email, but doesn’t read it. If i send an email because theres too much to say in a text, I’ll then send a text that says Read email and respond.
And they don’t go to their college mailbox so no letters or packages. Not interested in care packages, too much hassle to pick up.
And never leave a voice mail.
Go to meetups dot com and find some groups in your area to join to have some fun!
First thing I would do is cancel the credit card today. He doesn’t need one. He can have a debit card tied to a checking account in which you deposit money when and only if he needs to purchase something you agree to. If he needs more money he can get a job. You should make it clear he will be working summers from now on for his spending money. Since he has already blown $400, imo, he doesn’t deserve any more money from you this semester. $400 was more then I gave my S in 4 years. We didn’t even pay for his books. We didn’t do that because we couldn’t afford it, either. We did it so he would learn the value of money. He has graduated and started working at a job with a very good salary but I am pleased to see he is still being frugal and asks himself whether something is a need or a want first.
I would also cancel his phone today. If he needs to contact you he can email - which he will do the first time he goes to use credit card/phone and finds out they are cancelled.
I would write him an email but just to outline the actions you took and will be taking from now on. Just keep it simple and to the point. That would be my final communication until he contacts you or your H.
Don’t go to Parents Weekend unless he changes his mind and asks you to come.
there are many responses and i wouldn’t usually pile on, BUT
Collegemom999, I experienced something very very similar last year with my child. even down to the amount of money spent (although it was child’s own money disappearing remarkably fast). we had also provided a lot of support in high school, in our case because of a disability. EVERYTHING that people said in this thread about calming down and not being a helicopter was said to me. anyway, it turns out that there was a real big problem, culminating in a medical withdrawal. I hope hope hope that 99% of the posters above are right, but something about your story made me want to post my experience and to second "alh"s advice. I wish I had not waited until after the drop deadline to address the non communication. your college will probably accept calls from parents to the dean of students to do a “welfare check”, if the phone is blocked. at worst it will embarrass and entitled freshman. but it could be the key to handling a really serious situation. Best of luck to you.
“College kids always communicate with parents when they are out of cash.
For that reason, a debit card that goes to zero is preferable to a credit card.”
I can set the credit card up each Monday with an amount.
I didn’t get him a debit card, in retrospect that would have been better.
Well, hopefully future parents can learn that from this thread.
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“Altho, college boys traditionally contact parents a LOT less than DD’s do, you have another issue. He is over-spending YOUR money.
What was the $400 spent on?
You’re right about setting a weekly or monthly allowance…probably weekly is best for someone who will over-spend.”
He spent the money going out and paying for other people, so they could give him cash.
He said he needs the cash to chip in for beer. I think he was trying to be mr. popular.
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“Is there a parent visit weekend coming up? If so, I think i’d drive up there.”
He doesn’t want me to come. He said he is trying to be independent of me.
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So… here is my next question.
I am really hurt that he doesn’t want me to come up for parents weekend.
And I have been to my daughter’s Parent weekend, and never overstay my visit or act dopey like I have seen other parents. I never embarrassed her.
I am in the process of limiting his money ( he doesn’t know yet), and also writing an email saying to him how hurt I am, and if he doesn’t want to see me parent’s weekend, that road can be both ways.
And now I feel like maybe I am getting in the gutter with him if I send this email saying the road can be both ways…
But, I am truly at a loss what to do.
I still think you need to make sure you dig closely enough to figure out if there’s something bigger or more problematic, even if it does not have an easy label such as drinking too much. Mental health issues in college students can be complex and unexpected. He may be more overwhelmed than he realizes. I agree with @thingamajig