Hope all is well (and posted in the right section).
The title pretty much says it all; my mother has ALS and is not doing well. We aren’t particularly close, but I feel awful for living so far away (I go to college in upstate New York and my folks live in Philly). My love and appreciation for the college has grown so much this year and I would hate to leave the school I currently attend, but I feel like I need to be there for my mother and taking the train home every weekend is not financially feasible.
I know this is a personal choice – one that only I can make – but I want to hear what others have to think: Should I transfer? If your parent was terminally ill and you knew he/she/they only had a few more year to live, what would you do? – Or, alternatively, if you are a parent of a child in college: What would you want your child to do: To stay at a school they are thriving at or to transfer closer to home? I don’t think taking a significant amount of time off is an option at the moment.
I also forgot to mention: I am a sophomore; I am very interested in perusing a Watson Fellowship post-graduation – which I may not be able to do if I transfer; and money is probably not an issue because of parent’s work benefits (it could actually be cheaper for me to transfer). If anyone has any question, please let me know – would be glad to clarify!
I think you should talk it over with your parents. They may not want you to change any plans.
However, if you feel the need to go home every weekend, it appears that you want to be there more. You may want to take a leave of absence if you still want to attend the same school.
If I was your mother, I would want you to stay at a school that you love and where you are thriving. It might comfort me to know that you are doing well and to imagine what your life would be like after she is gone. However, you might want to consider taking a leave of absence if your mother’s condition deteriorates and she becomes imminently terminal.
Good luck to you and consider getting some counseling to help you deal with these issues.
This happened to my roommate with her father. He wanted her to stay in college. I’m sorry this happened to you and your family. I would speak to them about it.
I would speak to your folks and ask them what they would like. You are thinking a year or two more with your Mom? Maybe it would be possible to stay at school a bit longer and then take a semester off. Talk to your current school -they will have had this come up before.
I am very sorry you and your family are having having to go through this.
If you are going to stay in college, then stay in college. Make that a priority. I see many a “i need help with my academic suspension appeal letter because I had a family issue”.
Talk to your mom…she may not want anything more than for you to succeed at what you enjoy doing.
Talk to someone at the Counseling Center
Talk to the Dean of Students…they may have other ideas…could you take classes online? Could you take some classes at a college near home temporarily and then return? Or what would happen if you took a leave of absence? Would you retain any scholarships?
This sounds harsh but also maybe get a feel for how much time your mom has…is it months? Then taking a leave spring semester may be a thought. Is it years? Then you may just need to carry on as much as you can.
I’m so sorry you having to deal with this.
Having said that, even if you and your mom are not particularly close, if your mom is anything like me or most every mom I know, she undoubtedly only wants what’s best for you, her child. In fact, being unburdened of the fear of thinking your child might not be ok after you’re gone is a gift you can give your mom now, by staying in school and doing well there. She will most likely be quite comforted during her dark days by thoughts of you able to succeed in a world without her, because you were prepared when that day came. That’s of course not to say that when the time of her passing appears imminent that you should not seek to spend more quality time with her. I feel like you would have personal regrets if you didn’t. But to put your life on hold for a few years now, to me, doesn’t seem like something even she would probably want. I know I wouldn’t want that for my child.
Best of luck to you and your family during these difficult circumstances.
I agree about checking options other than transferring. I’m sorry your family is going through this. It’s never easy.
Sometimes, what helps is getting in touch with your own feelings, how you’ll feel when the day comes. Will you regret (or blame yourself for) not going? Or will you feel you did all you could, despite the distance? (Showed the love, got home as often as you could, skyped, etc.) Counseling can help sort this out. If your school has a wait for an appt, explain this is a critical need. And/or have your advisor help get this.
Showing the love can be more than changing colleges, it’s the many little things that add up.
Hugs.
I would want my child to stay in school. Have you talked to your mom and dad about this? What are their thoughts?
ALS is a nasty disease. I’m sorry your mother is dealing with this. As others have said, I think getting some counseling for yourself would be helpful. Best to you.
@techmom99 said: “If I was your mother, I would want you to stay at a school that you love and where you are thriving. It might comfort me to know that you are doing well and to imagine what your life would be like after she is gone.”
I agree completely. As an older parent I have had a couple of serious illnesses that could have done me in (they didn’t, I am well right now). I have daughters who are both doing very well at universities that are not nearby. However, to me the most important thing right now is NOT my health – I have had a good life and know that none of us are going to live forever. It does comfort me a great deal to know that both daughters are doing very well at universities that are very good fits for them. I definitely would want my daughters to stay at a school where they are thriving and to continue to do well there.
This is a very personal decision. You mentioned you are not close with your mother. Is this something you are looking to change? That answer could drive your decision. I know ALS is a very tough horrible disease. I am very sorry so your situation.
As a parent, I would want my child to continue at her college, as long as possible, be prepared for a life without me, and with happy memories of healthy me. I’d find comfort in her happiness at college, her little stories, her future life I can imagine.
On the other hand, as an adult child, i’d try to create happy moments for the last months with my mom, and just be there. So, when her illness got to the point I could see it was needed, I’d take a leave of absence. Not now, but when things were clearly winding down. (Ie., you said “years” not “months”). And I’d text or face time every day.
Most importantly, go to the counselling center. Take care of you own mental health. It’ll help you stay strong for your mother but also recognize when you need more help.
I agree with taking a semester off. I can see you regretting a choice not to be with mom.
Also, once you return to school, make sure there’s enough extra cash in your bank account to make a quick flight home a real possibility should that be necessary. Sometimes you don’t have time for the drive. I think that knowing you can grab a flight will give both you and mom peace of mind.
