Need Closure

Parent Cafe
21

Try getting them hyped up about the college you want to go to and all the educational opportunities it offers. Drop the whole rooming with friend thing; it’s counterproductive and will only make them more adamant from letting you go. As the posters before me said, you don’t have to go to VCU for premed. Look for colleges that will give you significant merit aid as an alternate option (in case they still refuse) and try finding a part time job to save up some money.

You could also gently remind them that you’re a grown person now and that while you appreciate their concern, it would be best if they would let you try the world by yourself. Don’t do anything irresponsible in the meanwhile and show them how much of an adult you are. They won’t worry excessively of the idea of you moving away if they are confident you can handle yourself responsibly.

I wish you all the best.

22

I don’t know about OP’s grades, but depending on how high they are, it may be realistic for him to put himself through college. I mean, until recently, there was even the option such as Cooper’s Union, which was free (again, not any more), but I feel that a very good student could find a college where he could put himself through school. I don’t think it’s unrealistic, and certainly worth at least exploring. I know when I was applying, I won a full-tuition scholarship to a very nice school, and while I was a top student, I didn’t publish a book or cure cancer. I know full-tuition still leaves gaps, but I feel it’s worth pursuing these things.

23

As a parent, what I would counsel you do to do is to think about where your parents are coming from.
I am going to guess that they want you to stay religious and also to do well in college.
As a secondary concern I would think that they want a reasonably priced college.

Why don’t they like your friend? Is your friend more secular?

if you friend wasn’t going there, would you?

They may be worried that you are too dependent on your friend.
What if your friend transfers? How would you feel about that college then?

So then I would see how I could address my parents concerns.

I would talk about how this college would prepare you for med school.
What options it has if you don’t end up going to med school?

Also perhaps seriously consider NOT rooming with your friend.

  1. You will be able to meet more people/make more friends
  2. You will not get annoyed with your friend because they leave clothes on the floor

Is there an on campus student muslim group? Talk to your parents about that.
Is there a nearby mosque?
Is there a food plan that is compatible with your religion?

Also think about how often you would call your parents. Discuss what with them.
Talk about how often you would come home. Would you come home for religious holidays?

24

I can more than understand or sympathize with the OP, I understand feeling under the heel of parents, wanting to do their own thing, I suspect most people on here have found that from time to time at the very least, no matter how liberal the parents were (or not). Unfortunately, by depending on your parents financial resources you are going to be beholden to their wishes in some ways, and if something you want to do conflicts with their values or beliefs it is likely they will use the money edge to get you to accede to their wishes (I am not going to comment on what I feel about that, this is their family, their kids and their money, and this isn’t the thread for that). I also understand that saying “you will graduate in 4 years” might seem like an eternity to someone who wants to break free, I more than sympathize, as someone who has buried a lot of myself over the years, I empathize more than most people realize.

Okay, so what can you do?

1)You could financially emancipate yourself from your parents, what that means is you are declaring that you are not taking any kind of money from your parents, that you are supporting yourself. If you apply to a college, if you want them to look at financial aid and such without looking at family contributions, you need to do this. It would mean you would need to be self supporting, living on your own, working to support yourself and such, and would allow you to apply to VCU and get judged strictly on your income…and obviously, since you are paying for yourself, financially your parents would not have leverage.

The only problem with this, OP, is you could end up alienated from your family of origin, in a perfect world that wouldn’t happen, but it might. If their need to make sure you are doing what they want is so strong, they may if you take this option end up distancing themselves, and you would need to be prepared for that. On the other hand, if your need for independence is that strong, then it may be something you are willing to risk.

2)You could go to the local school (I assume you would be commuting), get your pre med degree then go to med school. Obviously, if your family’s rules are that burdensome to you, then this might not work, but keep in mind as a commuter you might have some more freedom than you do now, colleges have activities and such on campus that would give you some freedom. Again, it also could be your parents would insist that unless you are going to classes or some approved activity, you need to be home, so maybe that wouldn’t work.

3)You could work on your parents to try and make VCU look more attractive to them. For example, you probably can get statistics of what percentage of those going pre med get into medical school, and if the local school is a lot less than VCU, that could be a selling point, you could argue that going to VCU would make getting into med school easier, and that might be something hard for them to refute. If the issue is living with your friend, then agree not to live with him, it might help persuade them as well (for the record, I generally encourage kids going away to college NOT to live with someone they grew up with, in my experience it may seem easier, living with someone you think you know, but it is very different to be a friend with someone, and live with them).

I think your parents love you and want the best for you, OP, even if you don’t agree with their methods or their beliefs, but if you can frame the case that you are going to VCU to seriously study and get into med school, and that that is the best option, and it may weight heavily enough to allow them to agree.Maybe also you can come to an agreement, if they are afraid you will go to VCU and not work hard, that if your grades slip, that you will transfer to the local college. There is nothing wrong with compromising to try and get to VCU, if that is what you need, and if you show a committment to doing well, it may help (it may not, for example, if your parents are observant Muslims, they may be afraid with all the hype about colleges, that you will end up drinking or having sex and they feel if you went locally that wouldn’t happen…). The key is to try and come up with common ground with your parents, to as I suggested, use the idea of VCU as being better suited for pre med or academics, to make the case based on something I suspect they want (ie you to get educated and then get into med school), rather than being based on you wanting to go there for freedom (I suspect you didn’t say that to them, but believe me, parents aren’t dumb and we can read between the lines, too). You are in effect doing a selling job, and to do so it will need to be on their grounds more than yours.

The key thing to keep in mind is once you graduate and if you go to med school (or decide to go work someplace), your life then becomes your own and if you don’t want to live at home and get married and live there, at that point you are an adult and can make your own decisions. May not be easy, parents have a way of wanting their kids to remain their kids, for varying reasons, but it could be the time to assert your freedom is after you have built a foundation for it to happen, it is very different at 18 or 19 and going to college from your parents home, then being 22, graduated, and living on your own and working and/or going further with your education, it is a lot easier at 22 then 18, believe me:).

I wish you luck, hope this has helped.

25

acollegestudent - there are kids at the store who make a scene, stamp their feet and demand that there parent’s provide them something they want. There are adults that make choices that their parents don’t necessarily support or agree with, but they have the courage and the resolve to deal with the consequences of their own choices. One is ready for full autonomy and freedom, and their actions are worthy of respect, the other is not.

There are just certain realities in life that an adult has to face. If one is raising money for a church or other charity, one has to appeal to someone else’s generosity. It isn’t automatic. If one is in business, one has to convince someone to buy their product, or to give them a business loan. Autonomy and freedom are wonderful things, but a lot of responsibility and a lot of reality comes with it.

Before making this very difficult decision, the OP needs to be sure of his own resolve, because it could be a much more difficult path. Could it be worth it in the end? Sure. But not if one is unrealistic and unable to face the challenges that come along with it; there could be a lot of regret as well.

Personally, I would always want to tread very lightly when it comes to questioning the wisdom and decision making of other parents, who know and love their own kid more than you or I do. Everything in this thread, this is all “drive-by” advice here. His parents are willing to pay their son’s way through the local U, but I doubt you are willing to pay his way through local U or VCU.

26

Having money does not equal being right or doing what’s in someone else’s best interest. In fact, all too often money just ends up being a control tool.

27

Good posts, musicprnt and loukydad.
The parents do have some right to determine how their funds are spent. Age old CC topic. Are you saying, acollege, that “right” is for the parents to accede to their 17 year old’s wishes? We’re talking VCU here and a very common academic program. OP could even start at a local cc, prove his responsibility to his parents over the next few years and work on them agreeing to a transfer. VA is a state with a great Guaranteed Transfer program. I don’t see where it “has to be” VCU, from the start.

28

@‌ collegestudent-
You are correct that parents use things like money as a control tool, to get the behavior they want, and I couldn’t agree more that that (to me) is crappy parenting, for a lot of reasons, parents do all kinds of things claiming ‘they know best’ and it may not be (being in the music world this is common, parents think music is a ‘waste of time’, they ‘know it is futile and worthless’, or parents who want the kid to study accounting and only will pay for that so the kid will then work for them, etc).

That said, knowing what is right or in someone else’s best interest, especially when it concerns a child, is hard.There are probably a lot of parents on this board who think my son studying music as an aspiring violinist is ‘a waste of time and money’ that could be spent on “more valuable things”. As a parent, I am in the camp of giving the kids as much freedom as I can,hopefully with enough trust that they can handle it, but I also understand other parent’s have different beliefs and such, too. If parents were perfect (and being one, I can tell you I am far from that), therapists would be out of a job, which tells you that not everything parents do is wise…

that said, with the OP, we can rail against his parents, say it isn’t fair they are controlling him like that to keep him in line with their view of how to live, but that doesn’t help him. The reality is that the OP may emotionally and financially need to be in concord with his parents wishes, and whether we think their wishes are right or wrong is kind of irrelevant, other than to sympathize with the OP. What people are doing is giving the kid a reality check and suggesting ways he can try and navigate his problem. There are a lot of parents out there who feel their duty ends when the kid is 18, they have no responsibility for college, and that is their right, whether I agree with it or not, and nothing I or anyone else on here could do can change that. Doesn’t make it right, but it is a real situation real kids have to face; and it is quite easy to give advice that says “easy, just go off on your own, pay for college yourself”, but emotionally and logistically it may not be easy for someone to take that, there is an emotional cost to being estranged from your family (and belief me, families will do that, even if the OP was paying for his own schooling), and it is also difficult to work your way through school these days, even assuming he gets some aid, plus he wants to go to med school which is ridiculously expensive.

29

I agree with lookingforeard. Although a student can wish for more freedom at age 18, if a student is financially dependent on parents in order to attend college, then that freedom is in some way suspended for another 4 years. Since a college degree is a means to financial independence, both parents and students have the mutual goal of eventual independence.

I think the OP’s perspective is very common for students his age- to imagine that staying home means forever. However, even if the parents wanted this, it is unlikely to happen if the OP is financially independent and able to get a job away from home. I don’t know if there are medical schools near the OP, but if he gets into med school, then he will be going there, away from home.

I could be wrong about the OP’s parents, but in general, parents tend to ease up on restrictions as the adult child shows more responsibility. College is not like high school where you go to school and come home at the same time each day. Once the OP is in college, he will be able to join clubs and also take classes that will have him away from home most of the day. Then there are activities during the weekend. He may get involved in volunteering and research away from home. Most pre-med classes can be taken at any college, and in addition, some colleges have summer research programs. There could be the possibility of study abroad with the money saved on housing.

Living at home may not be what the OP wants, but if it is the best way for him to complete his education, perhaps he can make it work for him.

30

I feel that a lot of parents here may not really have a good idea of what it means to have controlling parents - many people seem to be liberal, American-born parents. Being an immigrant, a lot of my friends were immigrants as well, from all different parts of the world - Nigeria, Algeria, India, Malaysia, just to name a few. All I can say is that parents can be unreasonable and controlling. And waiting for them to ease up is a lost cause - no, just because a person graduates college doesn’t mean parents let go - I have seen this in real life. I don’t know if this is OP’s case or not. He knows better - but I do believe him when he says they are unreasonable and controlling.

Reality checks are good, but so are options. And I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell OP, just go along with your parents. I am giving my personal opinion - if I were in his situation, I would apply to schools where I would likely be one of the top applicants, and if I could get the funding, I would leave and finance my education on my own. If nothing else, it would put him in a better position to ‘negotiate’ with his parents. Personally, I think it’s better to be a parent who doesn’t pay for an education than one that uses that money to get their child to conform to their religion or marriage expectations or career expectation. It’s an unpopular view, and that’s fine.

31

It seems doubtful that this kid could be declared financially independent for FA purposes. If that is the route he wants to take he could get married, join the military or wait a few years.

32

We know what it means to have controlling parents.
We also know what it means to have an insistent teen.
Don’t project more onto this than we yet know about. That has to include OP’s actual ability to pay his own way.

33

I am not projecting - just taking OP at his word, which a lot of posters seem reluctant to do.

34

I take him at his word. I understand that he wants to go out on his own. The question is about when is the best time to do it.

I also try to consider the situation. Is he being abused, neglected? It sounds to me as if his parents love him and are taking care of him, just imposing values on him that he isn’t in alignment with, and he feels they are controlling. They may ease up and they may not, but one difference is that, high school ends at about 3 pm each day. College may not. The OP may start at 9 am, and have his last lab at 6pm. His parents are not going to stop him from going to lab, nor are they likely to expect him to run home between every class if he is commuting. He will need to spend some time studying in the library. So the OP may be at college and still have time to meet friends for dinner, join clubs, and meet new people while he is away from his parents auspices.

The OP is free to leave home at any time when he is a legal adult. The only way to be fully independent of parents is to not be in any position to need their financial support. So when is the best time to do this? One option is to get out right after high school, and then get a job and an apartment, hope to go to college on a full ride ( unlikely since his parents income is considered for financial aid) or work until he is 26 and then go to college. Another option is to stay at home, get a college degree- and then get a job or go away for graduate school.

If the OP wants to leave home, he has two main choices of how to do it: before college or after college. Some of us parents are advocating for leaving after college, not because we aren’t considering that his parents could be controlling, but because we are aware of the costs of college, the benefits of a college degree in the job market in terms of being financially independent, and the necessity of financial independence for automony as a young adult.

35

There are different ways to leave home and become an independent adult. One is to achieve independence with love and healthy connection, one is to split a family. Of course, how this happens depends on both parties. There are some parents who would disown a child for not following their wishes, but there are also many parents who in time learn to accept their children as they are, even if the children make a different choice. I don’t think this situation is exclusive to immigrant parents, however, I think it is common for immigrant parents to feel uncomfortable when a child, raised in the new culture, adopts the ways of the new culture.

We parents have a longer term perspective than an 18 year old. We can remember how we related to parents at age 18, and how we related to them at age 22, as well as possibly having some experience with our own college age kids. A 22 year old with a college degree can make a decision of where to work, live, or attend school with a lot more maturity and independence than an 18 year old can. Still, this is up to the OP to decide what to do. We parents are only adding another perspecive to the decision.

36

@collegestudent-
No one is telling the OP he should simply obey their parents, most of the posters are giving the OP a reality check about his options and the consequences of those actions. Most, including myself, have given options and it is up to the OP what he does, given the difficulties and tradeoffs of those paths, and he needs to know them. Agreeing his parents are wrong, too controlling and so forth, might make him feel better, but it won’t solve his problem, and telling him “of course, move away from home, pay for college yourself”, while it is an option, has downsides to it,too he needs to know. No one said to him “stay at home,your parents are right”, what people told him was that he needs to understand the consequences of his potential actions, too.

"And I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell OP, just go along with your parents. I am giving my personal opinion - if I were in his situation, I would apply to schools where I would likely be one of the top applicants, and if I could get the funding, I would leave and finance my education on my own. " Again, I don’t know what you are reading, others have NOT said that, they have given various strategies as possible options, finding ways to make VCU attractive to the parents, paying for it himself, or if he finds staying at home and going to the local school is his only option, how to make it more free.

For the record, I don’t like controlling parents or the cultures that treat children, even adult ones, like property to be manipulated and controlled by their parents, it is present in a lot of cultures and to me, personally, it is a vestige of tribal survival skills of thousands of years ago and has no place in a modern society, but sadly it exists across cultures and geography and exists in this country among a variety of widely diverging people.

I think, too, that you may be a bit naive about how easy it is to emancipate from your parents financially and to be able to work his way through school. Even if he is an excellent student, given the cost of tuition these days, a decent college can cost you a lot of money even with aid, full ride scholarships are pretty rare (they do happen, of course), but unless the OP is a superstar, he might find that without his parents contributions it isn’t doable. I think it is an option, for example, some states have programs where if you do well in school, the cost of a state college is pretty affordable, often free tuition, and that may be doable, and I think the OP should investigate that, but it may not be that easy. Don’t assume that posters agree with the parents, I certainly don’t, but the posters on here have a lot of experience in life, we have dealt with controlling parents to varying degrees, we have had friends who face what the OP does and we also have seen how kids deal with it, too, from friends and acquaintences who faced it, also known as the perspective of getting kicked around by life a bit, or more…:slight_smile: