Need Dire Critiquing on Essay

<p>Hello All,</p>

<p>I FINALLY got around to finishing up my common app essay and know I need some critiquing to spice it up.
It's a little bit long so I ideally need some help on making it a little more concise and straight to the point.</p>

<p>Any suggestions, critical or complementary, would be great right now.</p>

<p>Thanks Again.</p>

<p>ill read it! =) just pm it</p>