need help and advice...daughter wants to come home

Parents Forum
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<p>Here goes...after moving my daughter into Sacred Heart University, and all the anticipation and excitment, reality has hit my daughter very, very hard.
She's been in school 3 days, and has realized that dorm living is not for her.</p>

<p>She's been crying and depressed and disappointed in herself. SHe is so confused about what to do. She's going to stick it out for the rest of the week and really try and decide what is best for her. I am trying to be supportive, not talking her into staying, and not telling her to come home either. I want her to do what she thinks is best for her. SHe's majoring in nursing, a top ranked student, and was offered alot of scholarship money from all the schools she applied to. </p>

<p>If she decides to leave, what is the process?? I know we will be out the money that was paid in full for the first semester. ( my daughter's happiness is more important than the money...so I will handle that) Is it too late for her to start a first semester home since the schools will be starting tomorrow?
Will she now be a semester behind her graduating year? </p>

<p>I'm fairly new to these boards, and have been lurking for a while now, learning and listening to your insights and experiences. I am hoping that you will send me some positive feedback on my situation, and if anyone has been in a similiar situation, please share your stories with me. I am sitting here crying knowing that she is so unhappy.</p>

<p>Thanks,
Crissy</p>

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<p>so apparently the only issue is that dorm life isn't for her? Could you possibly reveal a bit more? As to whether she'd be behind her class for graduation? I'd say that depends on her ability to take summer school....getting the nursing course requirements met.</p>

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<p>I think that it's pretty common for kids to be unhappy at first. A lot of them that I know had been looking forward to Thanksgiving Break to come home since the first week of school, but once it came that time, they were settled in and didn't want to leave. I would suggest suggesting it to her to stick it out for just a little longer and to give it a chance; if she is crying all the time she definitly wont start having fun anytime soon.</p>

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<p>I am sorry that your daughter is so unhappy!</p>

<p>How far away are you. Can you easily drive over and see her so that you can talk the situation over face to face. </p>

<p>Before a decision can be made I think that you need to find out specifically what she doesn't like. She said that dorm living is not for her. What about it makes her so unhappy. Because if she transfers she will most likely live in a dorm. Or is she homesick.</p>

<p>Also, I would have her talk with the RA or someone at the school.
Sacred Heart does have a Wellness Center. She should talk with someone there to find out if it is an anxiety issue, homesickness, whatever. They may help her pin down what is making her so unhappy and you might be able to resolve it without pulling her out of school.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.sacredheart.edu/pages/995_wellness_center_counseling_and_health_services.cfm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.sacredheart.edu/pages/995_wellness_center_counseling_and_health_services.cfm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Yes, tell her to get out more (I mean that in the nice way) and try to make some friends, meet her professors, etc. It's good that you're not guilt-tripping her into staying because of the money or anything. You should keep doing what you're doing: supporting her. It is very tough for most people to suddenly realize you're never going to live at home again--but she has to start sometime and it's not going to work if you just postpone the inevitable. She will get over it once she makes friends, goes to some fun campus events, and gets into the real homework/class stuff.</p>

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<p>Oh Crissy,
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Has your daughter gone to the counseling center at school? Talked to her RA? Like hasmat suggested..provide a few details about why dorm life isn't working right now. It is a big adjustment. There are some other threads here that are similar..and there are posts from people who had similar experiences in the past and their son or daughter got through the initial homesickness and tears and ended up having a great college experience.<br>
Have classes actually started for her or is she just doing orientation?</p>

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<p>It's normal for students to feel depressed, overwhelmed as they move away from home and into a completely new environment.</p>

<p>My advice would be to tell your daughter to stick it out for at least first semester, and to also take the time to go to some club meetings, where she's likely to meet people with similar interests who'll eventually become her friends. She also needs to get out of her room. By sitting there, she won't meet anyone. She'll just be miserable.</p>

<p>There's also a chance that you're hearing from your D only when she's down. Sometimes students call their parents just to vent, and afterward, the students feel much better and go about their business including having a nice time. The parents, however feel miserable. </p>

<p>She also may be looking for reassurance from you. Have you ever moved to a new location? If so, you probably remember that it took you a while to get adjusted and to make friends. Giving her this info may help her realize that what she's experiencing now isn't the way college always will be.</p>

<p>Check the college life board because there's a thread there started by a freshman who's wondering how to make friends. </p>

<p>Your D probably also has some unrealistic ides about coming home -- that things will be just like they were when she was in h.s. Truth is, her friends probably have moved on to college, and even if they are local, they won't be able to hang out as they could in the past.</p>

<p>IN addition, make sure that she knows that if she comes home, she won't be able to just hang around and hang out: You'd expect her to get a job, pay rent, etc. and pay for any fees caused by her early withdrawal from college. Kindly giving her this dose of reality may help her realize that she's a grown up now and her fantasies of living at home and having a constantly good time with her buddies are just fantasies, not the reality that would occur if she does come home.</p>

<p>One last thing: I was miserable for my first couple of months at college. I was overwhelmed at being in a big city (I was from a small town). I was shy, and it was hard for me to make new friends. I did think about leaving (and some of my acquaintances at college also thought of leaving). I stayed, however, and learned a great deal about myself including how to adapt to new environments. I also made some lifelong friends, and am very glad that I remained at that college.</p>

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<p>Agree with all above but this sounds like a child who is really struggling...it's time to talk to someone who has experience...she needs to immediately talk to her RA (that is what they are there for) and get some concrete advice from the RA on the Wellness Center, etc.<br>
The first few days are hard...these kids have been waiting a long time for this and after that kind of build up, the experience can be disappointing. I personally remember a postpartum struggle. </p>

<p>Can you give us some more information about the "dorm living is not for her" comment? I hated living in the dorms and new roommates didn't solve the problem...ended up as an upperclassmen living in an apartment off campus and that worked great. Often that is not an option for freshman though...please post again...</p>

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<p>I guess my question is if dorm life is the big issue, look for offcampus housing. Has she considered this? Looked at the alternatives to dorm life? Had she ever been away from home before? Summer programs that required group living? Knowing some of this would help in suggestions folks make to you. Homesick is different than other circumstances. Did you notice and emotional stress in her prior to leaving for campus? Help us out here.</p>

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<p>Unless your D has some previous mental health problems such as being treated for depression before, my advice would be to tell her to stick it out. She has barely given dorm life a chance. 3 days of living there isn't enough time to say that she needs to get out. It's an adjustment for everyone. I wouldn't move her to an apartment or anything based on what you've said so far. </p>

<p>You also can tell her to use the college counseling center, where she can get good advice on how to adjust.</p>

<p>If she is so miserable, also make sure that she understands that she needs to solve her problem. Tell her to find out what SHE would need to do to move out, etc. Ask her how she'd pay for and find an apartment. If you put her problem into her lap, she may very well and realistically decide that it's far easier to learn to adjust to dorm life -- something that most students can learn to do even though there are challenges for everyone.</p>

<p>If she decides she wants to leave the college, ask her what her plans are to pursue her career plans, and how she expects to do that. Also make sure that she knows that sitting at home and not working while she makes up her mind will not be an option. She's an adult: She can't return home and be treated like a child who's incapable of solving her problems or paying off any debts that she accrured after making a hasty decision to leave college.</p>

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<p>I agree with what's been said above.</p>

<p>I think you are handling this very well. Make her stick it out for at least another few weeks. You can't decide four years of your life in only a week. She has never lived away from home before; everything takes adjusting to. If in a week or two she is still unhappy, maybe do something about it.</p>

<p>Also, if the problem is really dorms and not the college, try an apartment or something??</p>

<p>(remember how much she cried when she moved into your home the first time? It's probably normal for her to cry moving in somewhere else...)</p>

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<p>I don't suggest that freshmen move into apartments. Dorm life provides some oversight and security. It also provides an easy way to make friends. </p>

<p>IF she's crying and miserable in a dorm, she'd likely be the same way in an apartment, which would be a more isolated life than dorm life.</p>

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<p>I too would want to know what you mean by "dorm life is not for her". Exactly what is it that is bothering her? On first glance at your post, 3 days is way too short a time to be forming any conclusions about anything. What exactly is upsetting your daughter? Noise? Incompatible roommate (although I don't see how one could determine that in 3 days)? Discomfort over sharing a room, if she doesn't have a single? Sleep issues? What, exactly? </p>

<p>No one feels that comfortable in the first days of a new environment. Don't hit the panic button yet--find out what is going on and then evaluate the options for dealing with any real (as opposed to perceived) problems. And to some extent, stay out of the problem and let your daughter deal with it. That's part of the college experience, learning to navigate through problems without your parents doing it for you any more.</p>

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<p>well, it depends on what the problem is. Maybe she doesn't like being crowded, I know that will be a problem for me when I move into a dorm next year. It is loud and messy.</p>

<p>I guess we all need more information on the situation...</p>

<p>(I agree dorms are better in theory, but if she is miserable there....)</p>

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<p>If you're talking about Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut, classes don't start until tomorrow.</p>

<p>This means that your daughter hasn't really gone to college yet. She has gone to camp. The days before classes start are abnormal and atypical of what college life is truly like. </p>

<p>Unless your daughter is suicidal (and you may have to ask her this outright), it might be a good idea for her to stick it out for several weeks to see whether her reaction to real college is the same as her reaction to college-camp.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom, yes I agree. To clarify my post, I moved off campus later...I do not think freshman should be off campus. But, crissy needs to give us more information....is it a roommate issue? is there a "quiet" dorm that would be a better fit for her daughter? etc...It sure is obvious from all the posts in such a short time that everyone wants to help.</p>

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<p>All valid. The greatest opportunity for connecting is dorm life. Miserable as it may be.</p>

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<p>You have gotten some good advice here and hopefully things will turn around for your daughter soon. Regarding tuition reimbursements, if she does decide to drop out you will receive a tuition refund for as much as 80% depending on how long she can stick it out.</p>

<p>But money is not the issue here, your daughter's happiness and success are. There is no shame in dropping out so soon. Many students are not ready to make such a big transition so soon. And since it seems that the problem is moving away from the nest, if she does decide to deop out, she should probably try attending a local college for a few semesters, one where she can easily commute or have the opportunity to regularly come home if living on campus.</p>

<p>But you need to get more info from your daughter. The reasons she is so unhappy can be numerous such as roommate issues, sharing a room with another, community bathrooms, intense shyness, and many others. Some are fixable, others are not.</p>

<p>Get more info from her if you can and offer some suggestions. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>I think it's important to realize that she has only been at school 3 days. That is not enough time to give dorm living a chance or to be backing out. The first week or so of dorm living are basically party time and adjustment time. She won't know what things are like until classes start and students settle down.</p>

<p>IMO it's a mistake for her to be jumping to conclusions now. </p>

<p>Unless she has something that makes her very emotionally fragile such as a prior history of major depression, my advice is to throw her problem back in her lap: She wants to leave? Well, she needs to figure out how to do it, and to also reimburse her parents for any $ they would be out of. That is how adults make decisions. She's now an adult. She can't run home to Mommy and Daddy just because after having a small taste of college life, she has jumped to the conclusion that dorm life isn't for her.</p>

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<p>Here's the thread in College Life from a student who also is having adjustment problems: <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=233901%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=233901&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>