<p>Happily, it sounds like Crissyp and D are getting it worked out. I'd like to add, though, that schools offering subfree housing are a good choice for some students (this isn't for the OP, just a general remark because the topic of partying came up). My kid is at a LAC nationally renowned (with some small justification) for flagrant substance abuse. I have no illusions that this will keep her perpetually substance-free (not sure I'd even wish that for her), but for right now it's great that her dormies are straight (substance-wise) most of the time.</p>
<p>I hope things look better for Chrissy's D 24 hours from now, after classes start. Too bad the focus this weekend was on the bars rather than the beach ... Fairfield Beach should have been lovely yesterday and today. </p>
<p>I'd encourage her to stick it out ... and worst comes to worst ... home is not that far away. It would be <em>possible</em> to commute in on Monday and home on Friday. Or train? Depending on just where you are in CT or NY ... the train might possibly be an option.</p>
<p>Crissy,
We had a rough year last year with fresh. son. He was unhappy from the very beginning. Some of the unhappiness was unrelated to dorm life, but the dorm issues really compounded things. Of my 3 children, none enjoyed dorm life. I would and did let mine come home when he felt he needed it (and it was frequent that first semester). We encouraged him to stick it out and told him he could transfer whenever he wanted. He went back to the school this year and is again unhappy, but he says it is so hard to determine how much is the school and how much is having to live on campus.</p>
<p>Our son did go to the counseling center last year and the counselor told him that the vast majority of students who seek counseling are there for adjustment problems. It made him feel better to know that there were many other students who were having problems---one just isn't aware of how others are feeling. If in a week or so she still feels like she doesn't "fit", encourage her to talk to someone in counseling. Sometimes it is so much easier to unload on an outsider rather than feeling like you are whining to your friends.</p>
<p>Chrissy,</p>
<p>Your story reminds me a bit about a friend's child. My friend's D was looking forward to going away to school, but when she got there, she cried for 2 weeks. Shortly thereafter, she adjusted and loved her school. </p>
<p>I would not pull her out!!! I would send her a "care package" of some of her favs (candy, choc, whatever.... ) -- some personal things and some things that she can share with her roommate(s) and others on her floor!</p>
<p>Your D is having classic "home sickness". At least now kids have cell phones and can call home at any time!</p>
<p>I find myself wondering if these students have had previous difficulties with transitions? My D always took two to three weeks to settle in anywhere and I would have to repeatedly remind her about that timeframe. So when the kids went to college, we waited two weeks, and then went to Tanzania, where even cell phones don't work. They had their grandparents' phone number if there'd been an emergency (and it was possible to reach us via an elaborate chain of calls). It worked out well--by the time we got back they were happy to hear from us, and nicely settled in.</p>
<p>Patience! Patience! If it's not better in six weeks--then worry.</p>
<p>I remember a friend of my D's who always wanted to attend Chapel Hill. She was accepted there and thrilled about leaving for school. The first 6 weeks she called home daily in tears about how much she hated it. The tears finally came farther apart and by end of first semester, she decided to stick out year. She is a senior there now and has loved her experience from soph. year on.</p>
<p>Chrissy... one more thing comes to mind, since you said that you can tell how unhappy your daughter is, but she is not begging to come home.</p>
<p>Some kids just like to vent to their parents. They go all day functioning fine, get along with their friends and do fine in their classes, and save up all of their complaints and points of dissatisfaction and then lay it all out when they phone their parents. So the parent gets a call that is a long angry rant or a tearful lament.... and as soon as the kid hangs up, she is feeling better (wow, it sure was good to get that off my chest!), and happily goes out to participate. The reports you are getting sound dismal, but the reality may be that there is good news and bad news and you are hearing only the bad news.</p>
<p>My son was kind of like that, though not a cryer - he's really quite a stoic and quite willing to rough it. But boy, was he ever the critic! I certainly got a catalog of every little thing wrong with his college, from the way they organize class registration to the prices they charged for food at the on-campus deli. And in his college town, Thursday nights were "no-card" night at the local bars, so that's when all his underage buddies went out drinking. My son would have been perfectly happy to share the booze, but he's the frugal type - and one night out paying a bar tab plus his share of the cab back to campus was enough for him.... from then on, Thursday nights were his study and call home nights. But then I was only hearing from him when he was alone and working while his friends were out having fun, and of course he was always feeling a little sorry for himself. And then sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days (it seemed like weeks, but I don't think it was that long). </p>
<p>It sounds like your daughter is confronting the reality of dorm life: cramped quarters, no privacy -- and realizing that she doesn't like it. That doesn't mean she can't live with it -- if she is at a college that will let her move off campus after freshman year, she may have already resolved to bear with things this year, with the idea of getting her own apartment next year. The drinking & partying might also be putting her off ... but that doesn't mean she can't cope. Just that she is realizing for the first time that things are going to be rougher than expected, and -- like many teens -- using very dramatic language as she airs her dissatisfaction.</p>
<p>So - my advice:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Get the book "Letting Go" and read it -- it really will help you anticipate various problems and know what is normal or typical, and give you a sense of when something is a just a phase rather than a serious problem.</p></li>
<li><p>Listen sympathetically; support -- do the sort of active, echoing listening where you repeat back her concerns: she says, "I really hate living here with all the noise"... you say, "I sounds it is really hard for you to concentrate in such a noisy environment". That gives her the sense that you understand and are paying attention to her concerns, but avoids putting you in the position of trying to suggest solutions. (I'm not very good at this, but there are relationship books that explain the value of this style of communication).</p></li>
<li><p>As long as there are no red flags indicating serious health or emotional risk, take a deep breath after each call and wait. Say to yourself "this will pass". Plan some events with your daughter that you both can look forward to, such as a weekend home in September, your visit on Parents Day in October... and before you know it, Thanksgiving. </p></li>
<li><p>Get your son involved - encourage him to call or email his sister. The relationship between siblings is entirely different than with parents, and she may tell him very different things than she tells you. You shouldn't pry, beyond, "did you have a nice talk with your sister?"... but you should know that your son will probably let you know if he thinks there is reason to worry.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Calmom,
Boy does my son sound like yours as far as the critic goes. I constantly hear we are paying 42K a year (I don't know where he gets "we") and they can't even fix the A/C, pay the profs enough, serve non-greasy food, provide parking space, waste our money on flower beds, etc., etc.!!!</p>
<p>Calmom is right about using parents to "vent". </p>
<p>The following may be just the "mom talking": "I know we will be out the money that was paid in full for the first semester. ( my daughter's happiness is more important than the money...so I will handle that)" </p>
<p>I would not have such a casual attitude about a substantial amount of money (and I don't think it's good for your d for you to have such a casual attitude) unless your d was being exposed to something dangerous or something serious. Just not "being happy" isn't enuf in my book to "throw away" a semester's worth of money at a private school. </p>
<p>Adults are not "happy" all the time in their circumstances -- we plug thru jobs even when they aren't making us happy all the time -- we plug thru marriages even when they aren't making us happy all the time -- we plug thru raising kids even thou our kids often aren't making us happy (many times!). The bottom line is: a mature person doesn't walk away just because something isn't immediately making them "happy". You'd be sending your d a bad message if you give her the impression that she can leave because you want her to "be happy".</p>
<p>Chrissy-</p>
<p>I have just the information we acquired at S's orientation, but it may apply to your daughter's situation, as well. We were told that if we were truly concerned about our student's situation/state of mind, etc. we should call the Office of Student Life (or whatever your D's school's equivalent might be) and the people there would make sure to sensitively and subtly check things out and see what interventions might be helpful.</p>
<p>BTW, and for what it's worth, I really don't think that RA's are likely to be College supporters so much as Student supporters....they have either been home sick themselves or likely have helped other students who are.</p>
<p>Hoping for a good result for both you and your daughter!</p>
<p>Yeah, MKM ... it is somewhat of a relief to me now that he is no longer at an elite college and finishing up at a transfer at Humboldt State, where tuition is $3000 a year. Now when he gripes, I can say.... "well, you get what you pay for." ;)</p>
<p>And he IS griping: (1) The text books cost too much. (2) The profs don't assign enough reading - all the classes at the CSU only have one text book, whereas at his LAC the profs would assign at least 8 or 10 books for every class. But he has admitted to having at least 2 classes that he likes, and a 3rd is "not so bad" when I start delving.....</p>
<p>^^LOL Calmom.</p>
<p>We too may be looking at transfer to state school. I'll remember your line!</p>
<p>This gal may be put off by the 'partying' types - if she is not one - she needs to seek out 'like' friends - which can take some time - but is very possible especially with the social outlets at schools - joining a club and getting involved can be a huge piece of that and will help in letting her to settle in a bit.</p>
<p>Now that classes are starting - you may see a difference - the orientation time for many kids is a very social and partying atmosphere - that will settle down when the homework and studying starts. If the dorm atmosphere is not conducive to her study habits - the library is a good place - and will get her out of her room/dorm.</p>
<p>One day at a time................................... listen her - be supportive - let her find her way and settle in.</p>
<p>thanks once again...reading all these replies have made me feel much better than I did this morning...Just alittle update: she went to a lecture tonight and loved it..she enjoyed dinner much better than last night, and the last time I spoke to her ( instant messaging...thank god for that) she said there were 8 people in her dorm room...she seems like she's feeling better and is looking forward to her classes starting tomorrow. It seems like each day is getting easier for her just like you all said..I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Thanks again!</p>
<p>I'm so glad for you. If she is sounding more positive already, things are really looking up and you can get a good night's sleep!</p>
<p>She is beginning to settle in :)</p>
<p>Things are looking up! Glad to hear it.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear that she's settling in.</p>
<p>Tansition has begun. Just a reminder that it might not be a straight line up. Thanks for the update.</p>
<p>I am happy to hear that your D is feeling better. My S left for school this year and seems to be adjusting really well...I actually think that what your D is going through is very normal and I am surprised that my S is not having any problems with the transition...any that he'll talk to me about! :) They have been in one environment...your home...for nearly 18 or 19 years and then they move away...I can't imagine leaving my home, moving away, having all new friends, a completely new routine, and not having some adjustment problems myself...and I am all grown up!! From my experiences and those of my nieces/nephews, etc. I think that some of us just have more separation anxiety than others...long-term I don't think that it has much bearing on whether we are happy...short-term, we just need love and support until we feel at home in our new home.</p>