Need help grading my first essay.

<p>So I'm not entirely sure of the format. Tips would be appreciated. Thanks!</p>

<p>Topic: </p>

<p>Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>The advent and dispersion of new revolutionary technology has the capability to fundamentally alter the very identity of our species. Just compare the present day to our humble stone age origins. Because of humankind’s ability to create, they have continued along a path of self induced evolution, while other species have to wait for the genetic lottery to give them a break before advancement can take place. And while these technologies have made humans’ lives easier, and arguably, happier, there are drawbacks. The individual freedom is becoming weak, and the increased cohesion that these technologies give our species also make it easier for other individuals to exert control over us.</p>

<p>The direction these technologies take us was prognosticated by one Aldous Huxley in his book “Brave New World”. In his book, Huxley portrays a futuristic “utopia” in which technology has advanced so far that pain and sadness have been eradicated. It sounds wonderful, but all is not as it seems. The people of the brave new world are stupid and weak. They cry over any hardship that may meet them. They have not built any resilience to the unfortunate aspects of life, and cannot withstand them. Additionally, the might of the future age’s technology lets the world state easily manipulate their feeble minds. The technology has turned humankind into a pack of mindless sheep.</p>

<p>Technology is shown to have similar effects throughout history. The advent of the industrial revolution also introduced the concept of factories. People no longer worked independently on family farms, and instead sought employment from other people, becoming “wage slaves”. Before unions became popularized, these workers were treated like meat. If they lost an arm, it was tough luck. They could easily be replaced, and therefore received no compensation for their injury. Hours were long, and work was hard.</p>

<p>Additionally, technology has reduced the average human’s ability to combat nature. Throw a bunch of urbanites in the woods for a couple of days, and most of them will be history, Without access to their precious technology, people would be helpless. People are dependent on their technology. They cannot make their own way in the woods without it. This dependency is what makes modern humans weak. This technology brings good things, but not without a price.</p>

<p>Thanks again!</p>

<p>Bump. 10char</p>

<p>Your essay is good, though your first two paragraphs are dense, and your thesis is a bit convoluted.</p>

<p>Paragraphs 3 and 4 have great style, and your humor is a great touch. If you could have modeled the rest of your essay after those two paragraphs, you would have a 6 essay.</p>

<p>5/6</p>

<p>Oh darn! It’s just that last paragraph that was just a little too brief that suddenly caught me off guard. Your essay structure is just fine and I love the way that you introduced the topic! (Maybe it’s because of your rapid spewing of very short sentences that cause me to pause, go, pause, go, repeat at a very uncomfortable pace) Unlike the above poster, I loved your 1st and 2nd paragraphs.</p>

<p>I’m going to have to give you an 11/12 though. I feel as though one grader would give it a 5 while another would give it a 6.</p>

<p>Alright, thanks! I’ll try to improve my organization and get in a better conclusion.</p>