Need help on my UC prompt #1

<p>I am looking for some feedback to my personal statement the prompt was "Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." i know its not the best but its my first draft. </p>

<p>I grew up in a Hispanic based community where practically every family lived through similar experiences and hardships that came along with emigrating to the U.S. in search of a better life. Just about everywhere I look I see families living in the shadows trying to hide from the government while always looking over their shoulder. Unfortunately this includes my family, every member except myself are undocumented. I would always listen to my parents discuss the issue of money and how their employers never paid them enough. They were scared to quit or ask for a raise due to the fact that they feared deportation. I assumed that the companies they worked for hired illegal immigrant because they new they would not retaliate or ask question due to their status. They would use them to their advantage and exploit them to maximize their profits. Along with not being paid enough the healthcare that they provided was not the best, and my father who suffers from diabetes needs to regularly visit his doctor for checkups. His company just covers the basics everything else comes out of his pocket. They were not able to complain because they feared leaving their family behind if they were deported. They lived with that fear everyday from dusk till dawn never able to find serenity. When they would wake up and take me to school they would tell me to watch for police officers because they feared the loss of their car. I asked myself, what kind of place did my parents end up in where people live in fear of those who are suppose to protect them? They live in fear of the police. My parents got through it, they managed to raise me and put food on the table everyday for our family of six. They pushed through all the fears and limitations they had in order to try give their children a better life than theirs. </p>

<p>After receiving everything my parents could possibly give me I learned that life is not all about taking it is about giving back as well. I want to be able to give back to the community that I come from because it will bring me great peace of mind knowing that I did something good in my life. That is why I dream of starting a business that not only provides a good service to its clients but also keeps its employees satisfied with their job. I want people not to fear my business because I know what its like live everyday scared of something. I believe that someone does not need to screw people over and take advantage of them in order to reach the top. My dream business should provide people with a paying job and satisfactory healthcare in order for them to be happy with their job. My reasons behind this is because I know if someone is not content with their job they will not want to wake up every morning to come to work nor they will not want to do their job to the fullest potential and will only hurt the business. So as you can see this world that I come from where people cannot live a serene life has shaped my dreams and aspiration into becoming a businessman with good intentions. Although I may not know exactly what type of business or company I want to begin, I know for a fact I want it to give back as much as it receives with out taking advantage of anyone.</p>

<p>Think how many other hispanic people in California will have similar stories. It’s cliche.</p>

<p>Furthermore half your story is about your parents. They don’t use the word DIRECTLY but that’s really what they want. Indirect / through your parents is weak-sauce.</p>