<p>I've been compulsively researching colleges through books (Princeton, Fisk, CTCL) and CC for months now, and have created a comprehensive spreadsheet of over 25 colleges for junior S. Yes, that is ME doing all the research and a neurotic controlling mom.</p>
<p>S doesn't express much interest in the whole thing other than irritation that "you're picking the college for me anyway, so whatever." </p>
<p>We're going to have a long sit down today to go over the list, and I really want to TRY (and it's a stretch for me) to give him ownership of the search and hopefully excite him about it. So far, his parameter is "far from home" and "in or by a big city" (we're in Los Angeles).</p>
<p>We have one school visit trip scheduled to the Chicago area, but I'd like him to narrow down the east coast visit instead of me doing it for him. I want him to be happy where he ends up, and open to all the schools that might be a fit.</p>
<p>HELP! I do feel like time is short to get him into the whole process!</p>
<p>I'm not sure why he would want to get too involved if you are "doing all the research and [are] a neurotic controlling mom". He might feel that there is no point to him doing anything, since "you're picking the college for [him] anyway".</p>
<p>Is there any way that you could step back a little and allow him to handle a large chunk of the process? This would include a credible openness to his views and to any expressions of interest in particular colleges.</p>
<p>S is finishing junior year, uw gpa 3.2, lots of honors classes, 3 AP's so far with 3 more next year, SAT 1960 and ACT 31. Has a job that he loves because it's about music, plays the guitar, is a master at video games and likes hanging with his friends. Not a typical CC student, but a great kid!</p>
<p>Thanks, ADad, that's what I'm attempting to do, it's just counter to my nature. He's a procrastinator and I love research, but I do agree he needs to take charge of the process. I'm hoping my research will be START for his own research.</p>
<p>I suppose I need to just present the information to him and give him a couple of weeks to give me a list of a few schools he wants to visit. Sounds simple, it's the controlling of my own tendencies that will be more difficult.</p>
<p>Give him your list. Tell him how/why you came up with it. Tell him how many colleges you think you can visit during your trip, and ask him to pick which ones he'd like to see (from your list, or add his own).</p>
<p>When he comes back with his list of colleges to visit, discuss it with him. If you have any objections/ suggestions, mention it, but don't "veto" anything.</p>
<p>Sometimes the beginning of the process is too overwhelming for some kids to get started. But ones you narrow it down to something more manageable, they can really get "into it"...</p>
<p>i think your heart is in the right place, wanting what you think is best for your son. If you have done all this work, why not today present him with your results and not have a big discussion today...ask him to review it and set a date to discuss what HE thinks of the results this far.. does he think there are some good choices, or do these meet his goals, if not ask that he bring his suggestions to the next meeting/discussion as well. ask him to pick out some schools from that list that he would like to visit and you will help make that happen once he tells you which ones,
My feeling is..if his attitude so far is that you will pick anyway having a discussion prior to his input and only your search/results will just reinforce that opinion. If you make a timetable in your head to get this accomplished over the next 3 months so he can start his apps as he enters senior year...he is still on a pretty good timeline. It doesnt have to be a major discussion today.......tell him there cant be a major discussion until you recieve his input.<br>
PS as i tend to be a do it now person myself...this will be me next year LOL</p>
<p>cpeltz, I have a daughter who also shows little interest in the college search process.</p>
<p>You can find lots of advice on CC about how kids will eventually get in gear and take over, but, like you, I find that it is end of junior year and taking a wait-and-see attitude may end up having them cut it too close.</p>
<p>"Picking a college for him" may be his code for "don't bug me about this." I'm not sure he would act any differently if you had no list -- he might just be relieved that no one was asking him to think about it.</p>
<p>Can you get a sense of which school he would be willing to attend and where he is likely to be accepted? If it has rolling admissions, perhaps you can get him to agree to visit and apply there, and then leave the rest up to him. (And perhaps this can be the strategy you suggest in talking with him -- I doubt he will be willing to assess a list of 25 schools.)</p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately, I don't think we have 3 months to narrow down the list, as it will be difficult to make a cross-country trip during the school year. This junior year is challenging for parents as well as kids! </p>
<p>We are visiting 3 schools over a 2 day period next month, all of which I think are decent matches for him - 2 in the city (DePaul and Loyola Chicago) and 1 in a town (Beloit), and I'm hopeful the visit helps him focus on what he really wants. </p>
<p>I'm nervous about his generic "I want to go to school back east" comments, particularly since he's never BEEN back east, but he may just be trying to push my buttons or give me some response to get me off his back.</p>
<p>My boys did not get into it until it would have been too late. They are just a bit slow on the uptake. I've often wondered how things would have been had I just left things up to them. Don't think they would have gotten to a "sleepover" college. And they were tired enough of the highschool routine that I don't think commuting to college would have gone well. Work? Yeah, I guess. Then a lot of lying around the house getting on my nerves, I'm sure. That is what happened to those kids whose parents just let things lie. I'm sure there are a few who did get on the ball on their own but many of the kids I know needed a jumpshot. My brother ended up applying to college too late for any ivy and many other elite school admissions. It just limited his options.</p>
<p>Our college counselor at the HS gave S3 the big push. She insisted on lists, meetings, etc. And he begrudgingly put out. I did not push but just had things ready to show him. We looked at local colleges junior year and summer, but did not start really looking until senior year which was late, and led to some time conflicts. </p>
<p>In his case, I don't think he really cared where he ended up in the beginning. It took the process for him to focus on how he wanted to spend his next 4 years. Also in his case, it would not have been a tragedy to go to a local college. Several schools were within an hour of home and they would have been just fine. He did not want intensity, he wanted something different from highschool. As we visited different options, I could see that he was fine with most options despite his preferences. But then he visited a school, and that was it. He wants to go there. It fell right into place. All of the ambivalence was gone. But alone he would not have gotten to this point. The other boys in our family did not. They went through the process and had to come up with their favorite choice. This time was the most rewarding.</p>
<p>one big difference between parents and child, especially that of junior, when it comes to applying to colleges is time. we tend to think he/she doesn't have much time while they still think they do. so give yourself and your child little breaks in between. i said to my son, "i've done some researching on the initial list. think about it on your own when you have time and we may discuss about it if and when you feel like it." kids usually feel they're under pressure, in fact in a sense they are, and they like to postpone it. sometimes late into the summer is the best time to seriously start doing the process; looking in depth into individual schools, studying pros and cons etc.
maybe they need to discuss this with their peers first before really going in depth with us parents. hope this helps.</p>
<p>but i never meant to say let's way til fall. not at all. at least by july/aug junior year, we must have started something.</p>
<p>is he about to be a junior or a senior? i thought senior then saw your post say the next year (junior year)? if a junior maybe do local trips this summer unless he identifies one further away soon, and maybe other ones during school breaks or early next summer . If going into senior year understand why you want to make your trips this summer.</p>
<p>My son was similarly uninterested in a college search. We had some initial general talks about the differences between state universities and LACs, about large vs small, urban vs rural, so that he had some ideas of what the parameters might be. Then one day we sat down at his computer and went through a couple of online college search matching tools, with him driving. He had to think about the parameters he wanted, and when we got the results of his search we opened some new browser windows and went to take a quick look at the colleges' websites. They either piqued his interest or didn't. The ones that did went on a spreadsheet - I think there are about 15 on the list at this point. We then started visiting colleges, which made the entire process much more real to him.</p>
<p>If you're in S. Cal, visiting schools "back east" might be eye-opening, especially if you ask your son to really envision himself attending these schools. For my son, east coast schools would be way out of his comfort zone.</p>
<p>Parent56, my son is a junior and will be a senior next year.</p>
<p>I actually can see him heading far away for school. He's pretty comfortable in new situations and has had experience going to camp for 3 weeks not knowing a soul and loving it. He has grown step-sisters in Wisconsin, thus the list...I'd rather he be close to some family than a country away.</p>
<p>Part of my obsession is probably the feeling of looming loss...I want him to be at a school he loves and I do need to push a little or the work won't get done, but I also don't want to push him away for the last year he's here!</p>
<p>Have you shown the list to his college counselor for feedback? Has he had any meetings with hs college counselor? Does you school have Navience, so you can get an idea of the acceptance rates at various colleges for students with similar stats?</p>
<p>"I'm nervous about his generic "I want to go to school back east" comments, particularly since he's never BEEN back east, but he may just be trying to push my buttons or give me some response to get me off his back."
I suspect that is the case. My son said the same thing, and though he was accepted at east coast/ mid west colleges, he did end up going to a Cal U 400 miles from home. Statistically 70% of college students do end up at a college within a days' drive from home, so at this point I think he may be just "pushing back" and starting the separation process in his mind.</p>
<p>Instead of having a ready-made list, can you sit down with your S and go over his criteria: big? small? near a city? in a city? big on sports? social scene? frats? No frats? Etc.. Then, a day or so later, you can present him with a pared down list that fulfills his requirements and seems a match for his stats. Also, you have not said whether finances will be an issue. That is something that will need to discussed and factored into the college search.
At the moment, he may feel overwhelmed by the number of possible choices yet at the same time resentful of your apparent micro-managing.
Another thing: Right now, he may be in love with "back East" and visiting this summer will do nothing to change that; but not everybody loves the "back East" weather come January or February...</p>
<p>cpeltz, if a senior then i understand your sense of urgency, and if your personality is as you state..you cant change that! stepping way back will probably make you feel even more edgy, doing it for him though re-enforces his attitude and doesnt get him to step up. Maybe explain why you feel this is urgent and tell him if you dont get his input within a time frame you can live with ie the next 2 weeks? then there is no way to plan trips or visits....but that choice is now his</p>
<p>Start visiting nearby schools and those that he may already know. When you travel, take a detour to take a look at a school. He may say that he wants a true campus, can't stand being out in a rural outlying area, does not like a school that is predominently male or female. He may want the big time sports for the atmosphere, dislike fraternities, come up with any number of things that are there but not up there in his consciousness. He will have to prioritize as many things will be contradictory, and he may find a school he plain likes despite it is against his list.</p>
<p>He has expressed wanting a smaller school. He goes to a magnet with under 300 kids in the HS and loves it. He's not into sports and the whole idea of frats goes against his grain, so we have somewhat narrowed it down. There are some schools on the list that I doubt he'll be interested in, so I'll definitely hide them from the list.</p>
<p>Fortunately, money is not a major issue, but that said, my list does have costs in it, as he needs to see the approximate 4 year bill to realize a $10K annual difference really adds up.</p>
<p>We have family and have spent a lot of time in Wisconsin, so he's not unfamiliar with that cold and he hates being hot, so I don't think the weather would be a deal breaker for him....he'd rather have cold winters than an Arizona summer!</p>
<p>I would also like to suggest you PM Carolyn, one of CC's most knowledgable veteran posters, who also runs a college counselling service, for help on narrowing down the list and/or finding colleges that fit your son. Her wisdom and experience is invaluable.
Here is her webpage:</p>