Need insight. Please, grade my essay.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Advance in technology</p>

<p>People became Lazy/Caused unemployment/ New industries are producing harmful chemicals- pollution-global warming/addicted</p>

<p>Sure, the world is becoming better for many people. This modern age has made many aspects of life such as transport, education and health easier to access and convenient. However, there are myriad negative yields because of these advancements in technology.
First and foremost, many people have lost jobs because their work has been replaced my machinery. Farmer no longer need to employ people for labor. Of course, it’s not like this would make farmers worried; this is actually an advantage for them but in the expense of thousands of people. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 95% of farmers around the world have lost their jobs by 2004 and 80% of these people have become underemployed and unemployed since then. What does this mean? Poverty would prevail on these people and their families; this is especially the case in many countries in Africa and India. This would lead to a vast spread of uncontrollable diseases and ignorance because these people would not be able to pay for their necessity needs of food, education and health care. Who is to blame? Technology. All these assert the fact that the world is, behind the scene, exacerbating.</p>

<p>Secondly, the technology that has made education easier and accessible has, itself, rendered people to become indolent. Students all over the world might try to copy-paste answers to homework from online. They no longer ponder over and think of a way to improve. This laziness has caused students to play and waste time throughout high school and finally in their final exams, many fail drastically. For instance, my neighbor friend Tyler has always been fixated over Facebook. I used to wonder whether he was a genius or a fool who didn’t care much about his studies. I asked him about his performances in school and were pretty impressive. Just a month before, after Tyler had entered his final GCSE exams and was waiting for his results, he and his parents were shocked of his ‘C’ grade. He was always an A student? What happened? It’s just that he was a victim of one the cons of technology. The world is indeed not getting better as technology promises.</p>

<p>In short, along with the myriad pros of technology come tones of cons. I cannot stress enough exactly all the problem that technology has brought but I believe that with this rate the world is not becoming better but worse. This is all thanks to technology.</p>

2

<p>I have made a similar thread previously and have added a second essay which was the above one. If possible, I would appreciate a grade of 0-6 although it took me 32 minutes to finish this essay. I had some trouble coming up with examples to support my thesis, yet it seemed that the prompt of the question was shockingly easy.</p>

<p>I am currently studying to improve my essays because I may retake the SAT next year if my last scores weren’t enough. </p>

<p>Thank you</p>

3

<p>There should be a clearer position on the prompt: notice how you waffle between “well this is good, but this is bad”. You need more focus on your position. </p>

<p>No sure what this sentence means: “All these assert the fact that the world is, behind the scene, exacerbating.”</p>

<p>You first example talks about the increased mechanization of farming, thus making it less labor intensive. Rather than causing poverty, historically increased urbanization has lead to increased standard of living and income as people get away from subsistence farming. </p>

<p>I point that out because I think your essay would have been stronger if you used that example and your second in more of a macro sense. Yes students may appear to be learning more but in fact they are just using tools to regurgitate information better to get a grade. In reality there is a moral rot setting in and an indolence. Similarly we may get to a point where all the food the entire population needs is produced by just a tiny percent of the population. Kids lured away by “cool” urban life and the horse dance will quit the farm and the older folk will die off and we will be left we a population that doesnt know how to feed itself, although know how to blog and twitter. </p>

<p>Over all I think its a high 4. You should get rid of some of your fancy phrases to help it.</p>

4

<p>Thank you for the advice argbargy</p>

<p>In brief, you are saying that my points are not valid enough and are of weak quality and that I use unnecessary fancy language such as “behind the scene” and “This is all thanks to technology” and, also, the use of rhetoric questions such as “What happened?”.</p>

<p>From now on, I guess I’ll have to focus on making better my points during outlining since the outlining is the main factor in determining whether the essay is good or bad.</p>

5

<p>I kind of like the conversational tone of starting with “sure” and the rhetorical questions. I dont like stuff like “myriad negative yields” and the " exacerbating" sentence. </p>

<p>Notice that you kind of box yourself in a bit because you view this as a technology question- which the prompt did not specify. So this limits your ability to talk about politics or even transnational governing bodies that could be problematic. For instance you could have used the EU debt crisis as an example if you had limited your scope to technology.</p>

6

<p>Thank you very much for your advice argbargy.</p>

7

<p>I wonder if you can help me with this other essay. I hope I’m not being too much…</p>

<h2>Assignment: Is the way something seems to be not always the same as it actually is? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</h2>

<p>As humans, the first impression we can imply from is what we perceive with our eyes. This is why our thoughts are mostly biased. However, as the famous proverb reads “Don’t judge a book from its cover”, in real life, what may seem to look good from the outside is not always the same as it actually is and vice versa. </p>

<p>This concept can be best exemplified through the renowned Arabian Literature, King Schahriar and his Brother from the true stories of the Arabian Nights. In the society where the residents live in constant terror from the barbaric actions of the King Sultan who would marry a virgin woman each night and kill her by the morning, an ordinary girl named Scheherazade of no special traits comes with a plan. She plotted to stop the Sultan and save the girls and woman from the awful fate that hang over them. She implored her father obstinately to become the Kings wife and expressed to him about her goal, astonishing her father of what she said. He couldn’t believe and allow such permission, for it was impossible for a weak, feeble girl to achieve such an ambition. However, he couldn’t stop her. Eventually, her plan rendered successful. She was able to change the sultan’s attitude and mold him into a different person. Looking at Scheherazade from the beginning, it seemed that she didn’t have a chance of becoming successful with her plan; however, this impression that her father had wasn’t the same as it actually became. </p>

<p>Secondly, looking at two personal experiences of mine and contemplating over their differing first impressions and the eventual outcome, we realize that what ‘seems’ isn’t always what it is. The first one is when I moved to a different middle school because of the low standards of my previous school. There was a student in our class who always sat in the back. He wasn’t gregarious and was a reticent person who all his responses were laconic. No one doubted that he was a failure because he didn’t seem interested in learning and participating in class. Surprisingly, everyone’s impression of this boy was refuted by his end tem grades; this boy was the highest in the class. The second experience is when I moved to a different high school last year. As my father and I were searching for good schools, we received information of some famous schools which were held in high esteem. However, what we were looking for, at that time, was a school which appealed to the eyes. We were following the concept of the proverb that reads “The first impression is the last impression”. We believed that what we saw well would eventually be good. We found a gorgeous modern school near a beautiful lake; it was called Brooks High School. Just a day in that school made me to immensely detest it. Surely, everything looked nice from the outside including all their facilities which no other neighboring school had; nonetheless, the students in that school were pampered. The teachers taught simple things that one would learn in elementary school. Furthermore, the students would be given most of the day for them to spend it on leisure and field trips. In addition, students were allowed to assault the teachers and report any shortcoming of a teacher and they would immediately be ousted. Again, the difference in what the school seemed to us and what it actually was was striking.</p>

<p>In short, we should not assume that everything we encounter and see is the same as what it is in reality. Therefore, we should not follow what many of us accustom of believing in the first impression of what we see.</p>

<hr>

<p>Obviously, this essay took me more than the allotted time to finish; 31 minutes.</p>

8

<p>Not super excited by this essay because again your thesis seems to be very mushy. You agree that the agree that things arent always as they seem and then just list three examples of where that was the case. There is no because or rationale of why that is the case. </p>

<p>After complaining to a friend about an unsuccessful day of fish with new lures, I was told “the point of fishing lures is to catch fishermen, not fish”, and ding! everything snapped into focus. The fancy lures with lurid colors, spinning gizmos and a lot of text explaining how the rubber was imbued with patented bloodworm scent was to attract me not the fish. The fish cant read all this marketing come on!</p>

<p>Lets say that your thesis was more specific like "Things are not always the same as what seem because the fundamental nature of life seem to be to deceive, to conceal, and to mask weakness and play up strengths. "</p>

<p>Now you could use all sorts of things as examples- crocodiles appear to be asleep, to lull prey into carelessness. All sorts of animals use startle coloration to warn predators away, some adopting the markings of a dangerous venomous specious when they are not. </p>

<p>The animal that did not have any guile and was exactly what it seemed was the dodo. As soon as there were predators on its small island the bird was quickly hunted to extinction.</p>

<p>You could use your Arabian Nights example with this thesis. Scheherazade presented complete confidence and power- stopping her stories whenever she wished and start new stories unasked. In reality she was powerless and the king could have killed her at any time but the fact that she acted like she had all the power, and was completely unconcerned with the weakness of her position had the kind wrapped around her finger.</p>