<p>I guess I am one of thoise over reaching over bearing parents the last poster talked about. </p>
<p>I guess it was wrong that I expected my daughters to not just sit around doing nothing all summer.</p>
<p>I guess it was wrong that I pushed/encouraged that they go do stuff- museums, classes, volunteer</p>
<p>I guess it was wrong that I suggested they check out the common application and look at the essays over the summer, and print out some calendars and spend one sunday afternoon and do some planning</p>
<p>I guess it was wrong that I limited their fcebook time (they weren’t gamers)</p>
<p>I guess it was wrong that I took them on those road trips to look at colleges, and while were at it, do alot of touristy stuff</p>
<p>Its not our job as parents to let our children do as they please all the time. I don’t know any parent who does that. And they have some pretty happy kids.</p>
<p>The OP has some valids concerns, she just wants to see her son doing something, anything, besides mostly just hanging out.</p>
<p>HA! You limited computer time for a senior in HS? Yes, I would say that it was wrong. As well as most of the other things you said. </p>
<p>By doing these things you are making your kids feel like you have no faith in them to succeed on their own, I promise.</p>
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<p>I never said I was allowed to do as I please. Of course rules should be set.</p>
<p>Did you watch “The Sopranos”? One of the main themes was how stuck up and snobby the bossman’s wife Carmela was. One of the main focuses of that theme was how when her oldest (Meadow) was applying to college. She interfered in her admissions constantly, pressured her to not waste time, and constantly tried to convince her go to a school that she wanted, while her daughter hated the idea. You may say it’s just a show, but as one of the most critically acclaimed shows of all time it is a meaningful comparison. And the show was not entirely focused on crime, it was a large focus on how even organized crime families have the same issues (like an overbearing parent).</p>
<p>If your kid was not applying anywhere or showing no interest in college than yea a sit down should be required. However, just because they want to relax some (or get on FB - my god you ACTUALLY limited FB time) it does not mean that they need you to be on top of them constantly. BACK OFF.</p>
<p>Yes you did, you said “let your son do as he pleases” seems pretty clear to me</p>
<p>Maybe I just shouldn’t have bothered teaching her to drive then, why spend the time?</p>
<p>Seriouslly, if you really bothered to read the posts by the parents in the thread before accusing them of being overbearing, etc, you would see that most of the posts are by reasonable, caring, parents who talk about striking a balance.</p>
<p>But hey, if you want to judge before actually checking out the rest of the posts, and then criticize everyone, hey, that is yuor right, but how can you make such generilzations about what people are saying without actually reading what they wrote.</p>
<p>Interesting that you didn’t even bother to do that, yet jumped and attacked these poster who generally give some great advice.</p>
<p>Read my posts, you’ll see I wasn’t all over my kids, especially in the college process, but yeah I set limits on facebook. For my senior girl. I also let her go to hawaii for a week with her friends with no adults. I am just a bad parent I guess</p>
<p>I didn’t attack all the posters. My post was generally aimed at the OP. </p>
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<p>No, she doesn’t. A legitimate concern are Fs and Ds. A legitimate concern is finding needles under his bed. A kid with a 3.9 GPA and very much above average standardized test scores who is being a HS senior and relaxing and hanging out with friends is not a concern. IN NO WAY is that a valid concern.</p>
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<p>PHEW! Wow, you take risks. I went to Europe for a month, with my brother and friend. We never came in contact with the law, I never came remotely close to having any problems.</p>
<p>I guess the problem may be this. Either you FEEL your daughter is immature or maybe she is. From you requiring a specific day for her to plan college and limiting her fb time, I see you may have some trusts problems. My best friend for the past 11 years had parents that felt like they were only being responsible by limiting internet time, have a very early curfew, pressuring him constantly about admissions and grades. He’s sitting next to me actually, he says the last time he “talked to them was about a month ago, after about 3 months without a phone call.” He also said that the first thing they did was started basically interrogating him about what he is doing outside class and what he is going to do this summer. Man, he is very eager to talk to them again. I guess I was lucky enough to have parents who trusted me to make right decisions in my life. </p>
<p>One of the main things parents forget is that YOUR kids live in a very different time. The older generations can complain all they want about how much time kids spend on video games, fb, twitter, etc. but what most don’t realize is that it is a fact that your kids are growing up with TRUCK LOADS of more stress than you had to, don’t contribute to that stress.</p>
<p>Perhaps it is wrong not to read the post, but I have come on here and seen other posts from “concerned parents” I always stop because I just start feeling bad for kids who just want to be kids.</p>
<p>Well, I will tell you how I handled it.
First, I told my daughter who will also be a senior when she returns to college, that she either get a job or go live somewhere else.
When she did get a job and decided that she was not going to help around the house, i had her pay rent and sign a contract to the duties that were hers while here for the summer.
If she didn’t agree to it, she had to leave.
Simple and affective. Not only did she pay rent, but, she helped out around the house and kept her job.
Sometimes we cannot be their friend, we really have to be parents.
I think she really believed that I would have her leave when I started filling her in on how much things cost and that I would drop her from my car insurance with one phone call. Oh yeah, she pays for her half of the car insurance too.<br>
Just an idea for you. :)</p>
<p>I spent the summer between 11th and 12th grade working my tail off, between summer activities and college applications and essays. </p>
<p>Did this put me ahead of most my peers in terms of preparing college applications? Yes. Would I have had the same (dream-like) college outcomes if I had taken more time to relax and enjoy life’s pleasures and daily beauty? Maybe. Nobody knows.</p>
<p>But what I do know is that after it was all over and I had wrapped up my last application, I entered a period of ‘burnout’. I hadn’t truly relaxed since mid-way through my junior year. I was so overworked and overstretched that I found NOT ONE organized activity to be enjoyable, including a sport I had loved for years (I quit before the first competition). It was like being tired in a cosmic, systemic sort of way. I pretty much just skated by in class, went to the gym, and hung-out with friends all the time. Motivation and the ability to delay gratification became things of the past. The most difficult part of my day was climbing out of bed. Mind you, I was very happy to lead this mellow life at that point in time. But I would have been very unhappy to lead a life with any more structure, with any significant amount of work. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that your child can either unwind a little now, at the beginning of ‘application season’, or unwind a lot later. Either way it has to occur at some point. The question is, essentially, whether you think a marginal advantage in the college admissions game is worth the psychic toll the lack of summer-time respite in between the two most stressful years of high school will take. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>“I’ll just say, I’m glad my parents let me grow up myself and I do not have the over-bearing, annoying parents that crowd these forums.
All of you, have fun getting two phone calls a year (Birthday and Xmas) from your kids because off all the pressure you’ve put on them and how much you have lived vicariously through them. I’m going to go vomit.”</p>
<p>Wow, you are ridiculous! You say you’re only aiming at the OP yet you come in and basically attack everyone and disregard the very reasonable and sensible points of view that have been made in here. Not to mention the “all of you part”. How ignorant of you to generalise. </p>
<p>I’ve read the posts, no one is being over bearing. There is a fine line between over bearing and concern. You are mistaking these parents for ones who freak out that their child got a B or who force their kid to study for the SAT years early. As a teen, i know that i sometimes need a little kick in the butt to remind me of things and not just be able to do anything as i please. Does that mean i’m immature? No. Does that mean i won’t be able to grow up and learn things myself when it is time? No. Just because your parents choose to leave everything up to you doesn’t mean that other parents are in any way wrong or over bearing if they are concerned that their child is not doing anything in the summer or want to help them kick start a little. Just because it worked out for you doesn’t mean it is because your parents let you did the hell you want. And yeah, college is about growing on your own but the transition from high school is not college yet is it?!</p>
<p>Oh and your friend who had the so called ‘over-bearing’ parent and cut off contact with his parents doesn’t reflect anything. Don’t know why you bother mentioning it. I suggest you read the thread before making judgement or maybe you’ll be the one getting two phone calls a year.</p>
<p>DO NOT INTERFERE WITH YOUR SON. He is doing well and has no reason for you to be scheduling HIS time or determining how he should spend HIS life. Trust me. He is enjoying his summer after 4 years of rigorous schoolwork. He deserves some HAPPINESS. You have no RIGHT to tell your son how to live his life. If you start scheduling his time, or punishing him for doing nothing wrong, things will NOT GO WELL. TRUST ME.</p>
<p>I know this from personal experience. Same exact thing happened to me. I had straight A+'s but my mom didnt like how i spent my free time (hanging out with friends and playing computer games). So she gave me an ultimatum when it came to using my computer. I used my computer for all of my school work and she interfered so drastically that my grades dropped significantly. Let your son live his own ****ing life.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about his behavior too much. You could encourage him to do a little more studying for the SATs (for example, lay down a rule like he needs to do one hour of prep before he goes to hang out with his friends on weekdays) if you feel like he really needs that encouragement, but as for the other stuff, the volunteering, working, researching colleges, I would let that go. </p>
<p>This is one of his last summers to enjoy himself before he has to worry about starting college/doing internships/working/summer quarters, etc. Let him have a little more time to enjoy his childhood before he launches into the stressful end of high school/beginnig of college time. You should take this time to enjoy his childhood as well, cherish some of these last times you’ll have together as a family with a live-in son before he goes off to school. Make time to hang out with him, take him to a movie or out to dinner. </p>
<p>It’s easy to worry that maybe he’s not doing everything he can, but I think it’s more important for him to squeeze some happy memories out of the last days of high school than start immediately preparing for the next stage of life.</p>
<p>Um, he is still in high school, living with his parents. Its not his own life to do anything he wants or not do anything he doesn’t want to do.</p>
<p>If I as a parent don’t want to see my kids laying around doing nothing all summer than its my right, and my responsilbity to tell them what I expect.</p>
<p>I have every right to tell my 18 year old daughter living in my home that I have expectations. She will pick up after herself. SHe will not sleep in until noon everyday. She will either get a job this summer, or intern or volunteer. She will do her chores. She will help with the dogs. She will be home at a reasonable hour and tell me at least an outline of her plans. She will join us for dinner once in a while. She will not do things that I have to fix.</p>
<p>The OPs son is a rising senior, still has one year left and a very full fall. If the op doesn’t want her son just hanging with friends all the time and basically doing nothing, she has every right to set rules and parameters.</p>
<p>My husband is fifty. He has rules he needs to follow. He doesn’t just do anything he wants whenever he wants. Neither do I. Neither do most adults I know. They ALL have responsibilites to themselves and to others. THat’s part of growing up- being responsible, and if you aren’t taking care of business while living at home,whatever your age, your parents have every right to tell you what to do or you can move out.</p>
<p>If you are living at home,and not helping out, your parents have every right to tell you to help out. Not ask, tell. If you lving at home and playing video games for hours and hours,your parents have a right to pull the plug.</p>
<p>If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to act like one and adults don’t think they can do whatever they want,whenever they want and not take responsibilty.</p>
<p>ps- you can still get a lot of enjoyment out of this last summer, and do some prep work, they are not mutually exclusive. My daughters, their summer before senior year, hung out with friends, traveled, went to concerts, interned, etc, and at the same time, did some work on the college prep side. It didnt ruin their happy times, ruin any fun memories, or take away from that last high school summer. Quite the contrary, doing some prep actually freed them up to enjoy their senior year. Gave them time to go to the final bbal game, have one more picnic, see that fun movie when everyone was around. There is something to be said for learning that you don’t have to see your friends each and every day for them to still be friends. And there can be a great benefit to planning ahead and taking care of somethings early.</p>
<p>My daughters both thanked me for pushing them a bit that pre senior summer. When their friends were spending sundays doing resumes and typing essays, my daughter’s went off to the movies with the dad. It gave him that time. WHen their classmates where scurrying around trying to get packets together for recommendations, my kids were calm and relaxed because they spent a couple of hours one wednesday afternoon getting it all organized.</p>
<p>Its not that we want our kdis to start senoir year all done with applications, its just that when you wait till the last minute, things get missed, forgotten. And if you aren’t mature enough yet to think, hmm,maybe I don’t need to go to ben’s house and play another 4 hours of video games and that maybe one afternnon I should start my resume, activity sheet thing. The video games will still be there.</p>
<p>Senior year is uber busy, and if you are smart enough to put in a few hours here and there over that summer, it can make your senior yeara much better time. And you won’t have missed any summer fun.</p>
<p>I find kids that come to parents forum to rant or vent generally have some issues with their parents, instead of saying it to their parents they find it easier to “tell other parents off.” If it makes you feel better, we’ll send your parents a bill for $200.</p>
<p>I was just like your son. I just wanted to relax during the summer but my father kept reminding me to study for ACT. It was summer, my mind just wasn’t on studying so I can totally understand where your son is coming from. If he’s taking hard senior classes like what I did, he’s going have to work very hard to finish all the applications (depending on how many schools he’ll apply to) and writing essays. Since I work as well during the school year, my weekends were spent entirely on homework and college stuff.</p>
<p>If he’s planning to apply to big schools and/or the Ivy Leagues, which require the common application, you should at least let him know that those applications take a long time. Each one requires a set off different essays and other stuff as well. I wish I had started on them earlier so i didn’t feel so rushed to meet the deadline. </p>
<p>Overall: Your son sounds like a good and responsible kid. You can let him know that if he devotes his entire summer to playing, then he’ll have to devote his entire senior year to applications. If he doesn’t like that, ask him to balance things out. Do a little bit in the summer so he won’t feel as rushed during school.</p>
<p>OldFort: Every time I read this thread, I spend twenty minutes writing a response. I then delete everything I’ve written, figuring that I’ll just be throwing more fuel on this fire and that someone else will say it better anyway. You said it better.</p>
<p>This thread has taken off in several directions from the original question–which is great–it has been an interesting ride. Just to update for anyone keeping up with the OP…</p>
<p>Before I do, I’d like to observe that each kid and each family is different–what works for one family and student may not click with another. The strong opinions have been helpful as well as the more balanced ones. Like everyone who reads this, I’ve been able to apply some points of view to our situation, but not others.</p>
<p>I’m relieved and happy, and here’s how it transpired… I decided that even though DS is now 17 yrs, and is a dynamite student during the school year, I’m still the parent, and the “Guild Wars” had to go. My formerly witty and articulate son was/is vague, distracted and spaced out–and no, it’s not drugs, it’s over two months of GUILD WARS! I talked to him, using some choice phrases I got from some some of the young posters on this thread (thanks!), gave it some refractory time and came to his room to tell him that he was through with Guild Wars for the summer. Before I could get the words out, he said, “I’m through with Guild Wars for the summer.” In the same day, he started to check out colleges on the web, AND got his Learner’s Permit. He has been volunteering 3 hrs once a week at the senior center. Still needs to get back to SAT studying…</p>
<p>In our case the logic wasn’t enough until he could feel that I was about to back up talk with action. In our case, not saying everyone’s, this 17 yr old still needs parenting.</p>
<p>Yeah, hurrah and all that stuff! Glad you found “a way” to get through. My soon to start senior year came to me night before last all in a panic about “what he needed to do” regarding his college stuff. I think my jaw hit the floor. The summer fog is lifting.</p>
<p>My D1 at 20 said to me, “Sometimes I feel so grown up and sometimes I still feel like a little kid.” I told her that it was ok and I hope she’ll always feel a little bit of kid in her.</p>
<p>Personally, I’m very fond of Guild Wars. As MMO’s go, it’s lovely because it doesn’t have a monthly charge. It’s also a good way to let off some stress. After discussing this thread with my son – who agreed with me that letting him relax senior summer was incredibly helpful in preventing burnout – we decided he needed a copy of Guild Wars too!</p>
<p>Parentingwise, I’ve found it more effective to limit things like computer time or focus on getting X, Y, Z tasks done before them rather than saying, “NO, you can never play that game/waste that time/watch tv!” But again, mostly what I find when I read CC is that I am fundamentally unlike the majority of the parents who post. I continue to chalk it up to the generation gap. Yall sound like MY parents half the time. <em>grin</em></p>