<p>Very long story on how I got to be friends with a young girl (21) who is a cancer survivor and so only just now starting college as a freshman across the country from her family. Essentially we have a bunch of mutual friends through our love for a musician and she joined a subgroup I started. </p>
<p>She friended me on facebook, I sent her some cookies. Now she's contacting me on FB like every single time I log on, I have to be "unavailable" to not end up chatting with her. And she's terribly depressed. Hates her school, had some roommate problems at the beginning, family isn't supportive, Mom has changed, etc. I encouraged her to go to the counseling center, she said they were a joke and don't do anything unless you're suicidal.</p>
<p>Then she started talking about that. About wishing the cancer had taken her. I like this girl in moderation and feel for her, I really do. But I have enough to deal with in my own life, I'm feeling guilty when I sign off the computer and worry about her. I know she needs someone to talk to. I just don't think it should be me.</p>
<p>I've told her I think she should talk to her own mom, but she has issues with her mom. I'm really at a loss. I want to be the compassionate older friend who does the right thing, but I'm kind of overwhelmed with other things. </p>
<p>Any parental suggestions on a nice way to ease myself out of this without leaving the poor kid to flounder?</p>
<p>Does she like to read? A couple of book suggestions: <em>Feeling Good</em> by David Burns or <em>The Chemistry of Joy</em> by Henry Emmons. Tell her it is important to keep looking for a therapist or a support group. This is important. If she is wishing she had died from the cancer, this is serious, and she would benefit from some professional help. She may benefit from medication – a professional could help her figure this out. Also encourage her to keep looking for an activity she enjoys. Maybe walking, biking, some sort of exercise. Singing, dance. All of these things are mood lifters. You sound like a kind person, but you can only do so much.</p>
<p>If this is solely an internet relationship, your first mistake was sending a stranger cookies. Perhaps it’s time to defriend this person and move on with your own life. This internet friend will find another sympathetic internet “friend” to replace you.</p>
<p>Or maybe this tenuous human connection is the only thing keeping her from falling apart right now and her reaction to sudden abandonment would be to take her own life.</p>
<p>She’s not a “kid”; she’s 21. It sounds like you know you are not what she needs. Perhaps it’s in her best interest to not distract her from what she really needs.</p>
<p>seriously, you are not held to any confidentialiaty or …
Call her Dean, or her College Counseling Dept.
You can even do this without giving your name or number.
This is sounding over your head and you need to pass this responsibility on.
That said, do not underestimate your being there for her up til now–you sound like an amazing loving person.</p>
<p>Maybe your original connection can help you disengage and encourage her to get help:
</p>
<p>Maybe you can say how a lot of people use music to convey emotions they can’t put in words, and everyone needs to have their feelings heard, and music is one way – therapy is another. Sort of lame, but you might find some way to reach her through your shared love of music.</p>
<p>You need to get disentangled from this woman.</p>
<p>Shrinkrap’s advice was right on. Tell her that her problems are serious enough you believe your presence is hampering her ability to get the help she really needs . Send her the list of msee’s books. Then do not respond to her contacts after that point.</p>
<p>Your description of this woman reminds me of people I’ve known. They belong to a small subclass of extremely emotionally needy people, who can figuratively suck you dry. They deploy every manipulative guilt trick to stay attached, like a barnacle. Be glad she’s in another city, or she’d be over at your house picking out a room to move into.</p>
<p>Here is a link to suicide prevention resources worldwide (and state by state) You seem to have a great sense of what’s happening-- you’ve been so kind, but you’ve done all you can. This young woman needs a different kind of help than you can give. Calling her school is a good idea too. Maybe you can get her in touch with Hopeline (also below)-- or call them yourself and ask for suggestions as to how to convince her to call. </p>
<p>(Also you can set your facebook page so she doesn’t see much of it at all. I think Skyhook’s take on this is very true-- sad, but true.) Hopefully you can steer her in a better direction and then let her go her way. </p>
<p>I think you created this responsiblity by sending cookies, and created the impression of a bond that the girl is vulnerable to. I’m not sure what you were thinking at the time. In my opinion, you cannot ethically get out of this responsibility until she has some other support.</p>
<p>I think you should make your boundaries clear but let her know you will stick with her until she has that other support. Make it clear that you will call her school to tell them that she sounds suicidal, unless she gets help today, because you care about her safety. Tell her you realize she is “crying for help” and ask her cooperation in getting it.</p>
<p>This girl is a cancer survivor, and an older freshman on a college campus. Not only must she feel incredibly alienated there, due to her cancer and other experiences, but she may have some form of post trauma situation after her illness.</p>
<p>Tell her it is normal for college kids to get counseling, and that it would be absolutely expected for someone who has dealt with what she has dealt with.</p>
<p>Only after she has seen someone, can you step back, and tell her that you want her to depend on someone nearby, in person, rather than a distant Internet friend. Do it kindly.</p>
<p>Your goal here seems to be to extricate yourself, but you are the one who got yourself into this in the first place. If you disentangle yourself now, without making sure she has help, you could push her into a dangerous place. Sorry to be harsh, but that’s a reality.</p>
<p>^ Wow! That sounds like the responsibility of a professional in a treating relationship! That would make me want to be even MORE cautious about what I post, even here on CC!</p>
<p>Shrinkrap, presumably you have not sent anyone cookies. Internet ethics are still a murky area, but cookies takes a relationship out of the virtual into, um, actual reality.</p>
<p>I agree with shrinkrap and skyhook. Not sure why the OP sent cookies, but sending a gesture of kindness does not obligate the OP in any way, IMO, to remain in a relationship she does not feel comfortable with or able to handle. I agree that kindly but consistently letting the student know that while you feel bad for her and wish her the best, it sounds like what she needs is more than you can offer, and again direct her to mental health services, suggest cancer survivor support groups and a suicide hotline # if necessary (you do not need to find the number, just remind her that these are available). Let her know you wish her the best but you are not equipped to provide what she may need. And unfriend or, if necessary, block her her if need be. You can only do so much. You are not responsible for her choices or her behaviors, and should not be guilt-tripped into staying in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable. I sincerely hope she does not do anything to harm herself, but leaning on a cyber friend may be preventing her from getting the help she really needs to get better.
Good luck.</p>
<p>how about reaching out to the mutual friends and letting them know you are concerned about her? Perhaps one of them can be a bridge of some sort for her.</p>
<p>You have not done anything wrong here. There was no way for you to know that your gestures of kindness and compassion would lead to this situation. I assume that you are a woman, perhaps the same age as the girl’s mother. She’s using you as her new “mom” because her own mother may not be as patient or willing to listen to her. This is not at all uncommon and my guess is that she doesn’t want to hear her mother’s more stern and practical advice, and she’d rather have your unconditional sympathy. Her mother may tell her to take specific actions. She’s probably frustrated because her daughter doesn’t listen or follow her advice, but still talks about the same problems over and over. You, on the other hand, are a kind, gentle ear - she doesn’t really have to do what you say, either.</p>
<p>I have a young adult niece who used to call me constantly asking for advice about all sorts of personal things. She has a perfectly nice mother - my former SIL - but she said that she did not “get along” with her mother. After a few months of this, I came to realize that she had no intention of following my advice, but rather, she enjoyed the attention of hour long phone calls completely focused on her. She did the same thing to my sister. In fact, my sister received even more frequent calls, which we surmised was because she was even more understanding and compassionate on the phone. She stopped calling so often when I started to make more critical comments and give her the same advice I would give my own daughter.</p>
<p>My suggestion is to first contact the mutual friends from the music group and tell them that she needs support. Otherwise, I would call her mother and let her know that you are worried about her daughter - she does have a mother who should be aware of her daughter’s situation.</p>
<p>I have a family member who, like the girl we are discussing, spent a lot of time in hospital as a teen. As a result, she really does not relate to people her own age. In many ways she acts a lot younger, being very dependent on her parents. But in some ways she acts a lot older. For example she can’t see the point of parties, which she calls “mindless fun”. She has been seeing a counsellor, which as others have stated above, should be helpful to the girl in this thread. My relatives have been told it is not uncommon for people who have suffered severe illness when young to struggle to fit in with their peer group and to struggle away from home (my relative has dropped out of college completely, but that has been a good decision for her at this time).</p>
<p>I’d be very gentle with her. It sounds like she feels all alone in the world right now. The college counseling center, the books, and using her music to help work through her feelings are all good suggestions, and give her the suicide prevention hotline number. </p>
<p>You could also suggest that she find a cancer survivors’ support group. Tell her that since you haven’t been through that, you can’t understand the way another survivor could, and if she goes, she will meet people nearby who will understand and help.</p>