need some advice on life please

Parents Forum
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<p>hello everyone</p>

<p>i have a dilemma that's stressing. i don't know where to go in life. i try to live in the present moment as much as possible, and i try to not let it affect me but it still does. here's a little about me (body has aged 19 years):</p>

<p>to be honest, i don't want to attend college or university. my beliefs about public education (private schools too for that matter) create an aversion. i believe public education (colleges and universities) is more restraining than liberating. it limits you and your entire life afterward rather than allowing your full potential as a being to blossom. thing such as name, status/reputation, education, money, making friends or acquaintances, "becoming successful", getting a girlfriend or even marriage/creating a family (hang in there before you throw your hammer of judgment :]) are not things that really interest me, in fact i do not believe any of those things bring "true happiness". my parents want me to attend college/university, and if i don't it is obvious they will become saddened, and this in return creates a guilt which does not allow me to continue onto any other plans other than public education.</p>

<p>my real interest is in Truth, Reality, Liberation... etc. things such as Advaita Vedanta (a philosophy from India), Yoga (which is not an exercise but an internal science to freedom), Zen (not Buddhism though), and Taoism are what truly interest me.. finding our true nature, finding what is Real. if i didn't have parents, i would go to india and become an ascetic (basically a hermit who has renounced material life), but this is not possible due to my parents (perhaps this will be possible in my elderly years). i do not belong to any religion.</p>

<p>so you may say, "why not just go to college and study philosophy or psychology? make your parents happy while still having a firm grip on your true interests." universities in California (which is the only place i would attend school if i am to go) only offer Western philosophy for the most part, which does not interest me at all. psychology does not interest me either.</p>

<p>i could just get a job which doesn't require any degrees or certificates and live in a cheap apartment, but this would still leave my parents saddened, which again results in guilt which will not allow this type of lifestyle.</p>

<p>it makes me upset how selfish their desire for me to go to college is, when they know well what my beliefs are. when you get down to it, honestly, they expect too much, like most parents. the fact that they even have a son is not enough, they have to see me succeed to feed their ego or else they become sad, and they know their sadness affects me to the point that i am not able to do anything else. but i have to continuously suppress the desire to become upset with understanding, and now im left with a constant "anxiety-kinda feeling" (which they have become very clearly aware of) always in the background of my life not matter how im feeling or what im doing (this background emotion has been going on for almost a year). you can call it a mild case of depression if you'd like, i guess. if i try to smoke marijuana or cigarettes, this specific feeling intensifies to the point that my body starts to twitch and shake, making me very uncomfortable, so i don't use drugs.</p>

<p>I have posted this in another forum on this site as well, but i figured advice from other parents may be as much help than from others. i just hope that your intentions for your child are not selfish as i can see most parents' are (which they are not entirely aware of), particularly indian and oriental parents (very sorry if i have offended you, i'm just giving an honest response based on observations), at least this has been the case for all my cousins and most of my friends.</p>

<p>I apologize if the opinions and beliefs given have offended you.
advice please? thank you</p>

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<p>Except for your wish to be a hermit in India, do you have any plan for earning a living? What would be a career here in the US that might be of interest to you given your beliefs and desires? Once we have some idea of the goal might be it will be a lot easier to give advice on how to get there.</p>

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<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1085069-undergrad-buddhist-studies.html?highlight=buddhism[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1085069-undergrad-buddhist-studies.html?highlight=buddhism&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Soka University in CA?</p>

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<p>I trust that you have no aversion to learning per se - you clearly are inclined toward reflective thought. It sounds as if you just don’t want to jump onto the hamster wheel. And you say that “universities in California (which is the only place i would attend school if i am to go) only offer Western philosophy for the most part, which does not interest me at all.”</p>

<p>Bear in mind that at 19, you are not what you will ultimately be. You’re a critical thinker in the making, and path that your thinking will take will change many times along the way. That’s most likely what is driving your parents’ concerns. So you sound like you’d be a great fit for a very unusual university in Orange Co.</p>

<p>Soka University is a private liberal arts college with an average class size of 13 and a non-sectarian curriculum that is founded upon the Buddhist principles of peace, human rights and the sanctity of life. Its website says “the mission of Soka University is to ‘foster a steady stream of global citizens committed to living a contributive life.’ About half of our students come from the US and half from more than 40 other countries. Study abroad is included in tuition so that every undergraduate spends a semester living and learning another culture.”</p>

<p>I would imagine that exploring truth, reality, liberation, yoga, Zen, and Taoism would all be possible there. And I’d suggest that you would pursue them more earnestly in that setting than in one in which most of your daily efforts are directed at finding food, water and shelter. As Coureur suggests, becoming an Indian ascetic is more of a romantic notion than a plan for any real success or life fulfillment.</p>

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<p>As coureur said, your ability to support yourself is what you need to consider. Your religious beliefs are separate. Plenty of people have careers who are Buddhists. My neighbor is a record producer and is a buddhist. My cousin is an orthodox jew who is a Princeton sought after research scientist somehow manages to both believe in god and that science has created the universe. </p>

<p>So the best thing you could accomplish is to figure out how to give to others because that is what we have been placed on this planet to do. So become a social worker or a teacher and truly give to others. Or major in something to do with building construction and go build housing in underserved areas. Think about what others need instead of just yourself.</p>

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<p>UCLA, Berkeley, Riverside, and doubtless a ton of other California universities offer very robust programs in Eastern religions, if that is what you want to study. It’s just false that they “only offer Western philosophy.” If you are serious about Eastern religion you are going to find it much easier to learn about with a skilled teacher, as practitioners of those religions would be the first to point out. Moreover, nothing forces you to struggle for prestige, money, etc., so don’t do it unless you want to.</p>

<p>Possibly you’re not ready for college, and it would be better for you to work for a year or two (at minimum) or to take a gap year. However, don’t judge the potential benefits of education entirely by your experience in high school. Many people find high school boring but are much happier in college, because they can follow their own interests more and because many subjects (such as history) are much more compelling when studied on a higher level.</p>

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<p>I respect your thoughts that run counter to so many in the US today. The Eastern religions teach that desire causes suffering, and I see that happening everywhere I look in education today. But also consider the Hindu 4 stages of life – One doesn’t start out one’s life as a hermit; there are the stages of student and householder that come first. Just because you get an education does not mean that you have sold your soul. Just because you make a living does not make you greedy. It is just life. If you can combine your value of non-attachment with a simple life of learning and working, you will have a tremendous influence on many who may need it. You will have true friends and peace of mind. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>First, I will state that I do not believe college is the path for everyone.</p>

<p>Second, I suspect that your parents know that a college degree will give you more options in the future than you would have without the degree. This is not selfishness.</p>

<p>At age 19, 4 years is huge: more than 20% of your life to date. From your parents’ perspective, 4 years is a blip. Try to understand that.</p>

<p>Now, on to you: You are interested in Truth, Reality, Liberation, Indian philosophies, and more. Great. (no sarcasm intended at all)</p>

<p>You will also need to eat, stay warm, and have a place to sleep. What is your plan for that?</p>

<p>I don’t know where you live. The reality in much of the US right now is that the jobs that were previously held by HS grads are now either gone or are being filled by out-of-work people with more education or experience.</p>

<p>So you need a plan. Talking about what you DON’T want to do is not a plan. I suggest that, if you are philosophically or otherwise averse to the 4-year degree path, you identify training that will allow you to earn a modest living so that you can pursue your other interests.</p>

<p>That could be an apprenticeship. That could be a 2-year associates degree. That could be accreditation from technical training.</p>

<p>You need a plan.</p>

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<p>I don’t quite understand why you think just because your parents want you to go to college, get a job, so you could support yourself is being selfish. It may not be your idea of what you want out of life, but it doesn’t make them selfish. At some point, your parents will pass away, and they will not “benefit” from your success (whatever that maybe). In their love for you, they want you to be able to put food on the table for yourself.</p>

<p>I told a story about my friend’s brother who has some sort of disability, he wasn’t capable of taking care of himself. His parents were pretty well off. It would have been less trouble for them to allow him to just live at home, but instead the parents took the pain of setting him up in an apartment, had social workers check up on him, and forced him to get a job (even if he was just a stocking boy at a super market). It was a lot of work on their part to set him up and have him trained. But they wanted to make sure when they pass away someday, their son could be self sufficient so he wouldn’t be a burden to his siblings.</p>

<p>All of those things your parents want for you (college education, marriage, kids, job) are what they think you would want to be happy in life. If they are not what you want, then you will need to be mature enough to talk to them to make them understand, and have enough balls to pursue your own dream. I see too often of Asians kids blaming their parents for their own unhappiness. Stop blaming your parents and take some ownership for your life.</p>

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<p>most parents, i suspect yours too, want their children to be happy… generally speaking, you will have more options available to you with an education… increasing your chances of finding happiness… not always the case though.</p>

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<p>There are a lot of paranoid parents on this forum who will try to scare you into thinking you cannot live a happy life without college. In reality, college is usually a waste of four years of your life listening to professors who would rather research and being around kids that would rather make a mockery of learning and socialize. College is excellent at producing propagandized sheep and bureaucrats but will be a prison for those seeking liberation and freedom for the mind.</p>

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<p>loserman, that’s fine. But both you and the OP would benefit from thinking about how to get from being dependent on your parents for food, clothing, shelter, etc. and providing same for yourselves. College is not essential. But, absent college, what is the plan?</p>

<p>Mafool (paranoid parent)</p>

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<p>The absolute truth is that this path has been much traveled already. (See quote below.) But in the end SOMEBODY has to wash the dishes, fix the cars, de-ice aircraft, and man the help lines. If those sorts of work don’t appeal to you, you might consider getting an education so you can broaden the possibilities for your life.</p>

<p>“The early 19th century philosopher Søren Kierkegaard is regarded as the father of existentialism.[5][6] He maintained that the individual is solely responsible for giving his or her own life meaning and for living that life passionately and sincerely,[7][8] in spite of many existential obstacles and distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom.[9]”</p>

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<p>NewHope33, many of those positions (wash the dishes, fix the cars, de-ice aircraft, and man the help lines) are being filled by laid off workers with lots of experience and/or college grads who were hoping for something else.</p>

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<p>My advice, since you asked, is for your to do this. Get a job, do it well, and study what you wish on your own. You are using your parents as an excuse for not taking responsibility for your own life.
My husband did what you are proposing- he took a job rigging sailboats (instead of attending Stanford) and married me, at age 19. It must have seemed crazy to his parents at the time, as I know it did to mine. But here we are, going to celebrate our 40th anniversary in a few months. He has had several job changes before finding what he wanted to do for a living, but even now, he studies and reads a tremendous amount, and is always learning.
He did decide to go back to school after three years off, but only on his own terms. His parents did not disown him or anything of the kind when he quit college. Why not? Because he was taking charge of his life, and he was happy. </p>

<p>You’d be amazed at how much respect you will get from your folks when you truly take responsibility for your own choices, start supporting yourself, and stop passively going through life while blaming them for your predicament.</p>

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<p>thank you all for the responses</p>

<p>to make a living, i could get a decent paying job (enough to afford rent and all living costs( that wouldn’t require a degree or certificate. i don’t mind, but my parents do. my dad has told me that it’s fine if i do this, but my mom didn’t mention anything. even if i do this and they agree with it, i believe they will hold it against me in a minor way, and be somewhat upset. my goal (as long as the ego’s concerned) is to attain Moksha/Nirvana/Liberation/Gnosis/Nirvikalpa Samadhi. from this you can see that my interest to “succeed” materially is substantially low.</p>

<p>hugcheck/gadad - i checked out soka’s site, and it didn’t seem to resonate with me. thanks for the suggestion though. i should have made it more clear that only Zen interests me (albeit not much) and not buddhism :]</p>

<p>perhaps i should also clarify how i perceive their selfishness. they do indeed want me to be happy, sound and materially stable… but filtered through their own personal expectations. if i do not meet those personal expectations but am still happy, sound and materially stable, they will still have some sort of negative emotion. why? because of the personal expectation/desire for me to go to school/become “successful” was not fulfilled. that’s where the selfishness is perceived.</p>

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<p>I think that it is neither accurate nor serving you well to attribute your parents’ concerns to selfishness.</p>

<p>Just let it go.</p>

<p>Now, take the next steps to realize your notion of “success.” When you take the initiative and your actions are consistent with your beliefs, it’s a good bet that your parents will respect your choices and your integrity. And if they do not, you will still be on your way.</p>

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<p>I am an Asian mom…I may initially disagree with what my kids want to do if it’s different than what I thought they should do, and I would push them back. But I would be supportive if I thought it would make them happy, and if they would be willing to live with the consequence. What I will not accept is to have them blame me for their unhappiness.</p>

<p>I don’t know how your parents will react to your decision, but I think if you are a productive person and are happy, at some point your parents will come around. You also can’t live your life in order to make your parents happy, or anybody, for that matter.</p>

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<p>OP, your thread from a month ago indicates you are a current college student with a boatload of withdrawals on your record and a desire to transfer to to UCB. So, was this thread just a creative writing project?</p>

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<p>[Maharishi</a> University of Management: Consciousness-Based Education](<a href=“http://www.mum.edu/]Maharishi”>http://www.mum.edu/)</p>

<p>America. What a country. Something for everybody.</p>