<p>As a mom of a child with a disability, this sadness and coming to terms with “the hand that was given to you” has been an ongoing process. I recall all those times when I had pictures in my mind of what my son “should be”, but they rarely included what he was.</p>
<p>There’s a wonderful short story called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley that’s so fitting.:
</p>
<p>I think that mtnmomma’s words are true for many --if not most parents-- and are worth repeating because at some point, most parents need to recognize their child for whom their child really is, which typically is not the child the parent fantasized about:</p>
<p>"In retrospect, I was grieving for a person I had created in my mind. The real son was right in front of me the whole time and was the same great guy he had always been. "</p>
<p>You might want to search for the post titled Letting go forever by PshycoMomTx should help put this in a whole new perspective for you may even consider yourself lucky.</p>
<p>Well, Between Mtmom and limabeans- you have every nuance covered! Your sister in-law was right about coming to this site…keep those two passages in your personal journal or secret spot. They will resonate differently each time you read them.</p>
<p>Also notice how nobody is judging the situation, and I’ll bet this is true in your life, nobody but you thinks your son is doing anything but trying different ways to grab onto his adult self. It’s a little bit like the picket fence; perfect family- doesn’t really exist, and neither does the perfect college experience. </p>
<p>On a side note, I have heard from many families with direct experience, that Georgetown is very cut throat academically. Perhaps just too much to handle for an 18 year old, but just fine for a 21 year old. </p>
<p>I suspect most parents will have to struggle with the image of their child vs the adult child they have- it’s just at various stages of life. Your just hppens to be now.</p>
<p>If this had happened in our family, I would be struggling much the way you are. How do I know? Because I had a mourning period when he didn’t get into his two top choice colleges. Isn’t that stupid? Even more so now that he is a junior and attending the PERFECT college for him; by default I might add. I was really angry at god for a few months… :)</p>
<p>I think sometimes it is not the image of our child that we mourn, it is the fear that they would be discriminated against, missed opportunity, missed life experience. </p>
<p>If my child were to tell me that she is gay, I would be upset. It wouldn’t be because of the person I want her to be. I would be more concerned if her life would be more difficult because she is different. Would she be able to experience parenthood like I did? Woud she be discriminated against at work?</p>
<p>My H and I discussed about the fact our children would be inter-racial (Chinese, White)before we got married (25+ years ago when it wasn’t as common). How would they be treated? They could be shunned by both races. They could end up with no real identity with either race. We avoided certain parts of US when they were younger, and we chose where we lived because of them.</p>
<p>Just this morning I finished a wonderful book:</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old (9780345507891): Joseph Allen, Claudia Worrell Allen: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Escaping-Endless-Adolescence-Teenagers-Before/dp/0345507894/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1283710971&sr=8-9]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Escaping-Endless-Adolescence-Teenagers-Before/dp/0345507894/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1283710971&sr=8-9)</p>
<p>Much of what the authors had to say resonated with me; some of their beliefs I had already come to myself. Although your son is probably a bit post-adolescent, I think that you might find it helpful. In particular, I am thinking of the concept that many teenage problems are caused by immersion in a “bubble” - extended schooling with limited adult contact, little “real” work, no contact with adult life, much socialization by peers. Reading this book might help you feel better about your son having a responsible job at this point, with a great deal of meaningful contact with adults. </p>
<p>It sounds as if your son is gaining strength and maturity, and spending his time in activities (work, therapy) that will help him continue to grow.</p>
<p>Because of ever changing social and economic factors, most children will experience a different adulthood than did their parents. I’m of the belief that the next few generations will be lucky if they can achieve what our generation and our parents generations were able to accomplish financially. Socially they may be more ‘progressive’ as societal norms, like gay marriage, change. But the ideal of growing up, getting a college degree, getting married, having kids, owning a home, getting and keeping a good job is pretty much teetering on the brink for the next generation(s) due to a number of factors but mostly due to the financial instability we’ve left them to deal with. </p>
<p>Thus, the idea/ideal that our kids will ever have the type of experience we did is becoming unrealistic from the get go. Just as the experience we’ve lived is different than that of our parents generation and likewise those before them. Perhaps this view is the height of cynicism. I prefer to think of it as a practical reality.</p>
<p>I loved the short story, limabeans!</p>
<p>I’ve known kids to have 'melt-downs" at any time thru college experience, and also at start of new job.The stress becomes too much, and they need to back down and away from the causes. From one’s who has been there, the child can rethink his/her goals, and move forward in a different direction.</p>
<p>I’m glad your son has a therapist, and perhaps a psychiatrist.</p>
<p>We all have a lot more invested in these kids now than our parents did. When I went to college in the 70’s it cost $5K for tuition, room and board for a top private college. Now it costs $50K. I don’t know whether the added costs is part of what has put additional stress and pressure on the whole “fit”, desire for “happiness”, “success”, etc., but it certainly has to be a contributing factor. </p>
<p>Kids left, flunked out, changed their minds, etc. in the past too. People often took alternative paths. But the parents had less time and money invested. Frankly, if one of my kids decided to bolt 3/4 of the way through a $200K degree (when we had already invested $150K), I’d be upset too. We know a number of people whose kids did this. They just “didn’t want to go to college any more”. Hmmmm. One more year and they would be finished, but this was like money down the drain.</p>
<p>I know that this isn’t what the OP is saying, exactly, but I do think that the cost makes us really want the kids to be happy, get the most out of the experience, etc.</p>
<p>Delta, I think that’s a cynical way to look at it. I’m reminded of the song in the Fantasticks- “plant a radish, seed a radish not a brussell sprout. That’s why I like vegetables you know what they’re about” during a sequence complaining about one’s adolescent children.</p>
<p>There is no algorithm for parenting- do X then Y multiply by Z and you get a perfectly formed adult. There never was one, there never will be. I’m sure every parent on this board had instances where they disappointed their parents or caused them grief- I know I did and my siblings surely did as well. And we were an intact, loving family but we had tremendous conflicts during the young adult years. I had friends who were not in intact, loving families and their conflicts were epic compared to mine.</p>
<p>I think the difference is that parents today think they can control the inputs and the outputs, which is patently false. I don’t think my parents punished themselves over our mistakes. They felt bad about them- they ranted, they raved, but they didn’t think that by sending us to college we’d be immune from making poor choices, nor did they think that every screw up was a reflection on them.</p>
<p>OP- I am sending you a cyber hug. It is very tough to watch your kid take an alternative path, even when you know intellectually that he’s going down a good road for the long term. There is so much to your story that suggests a happy ending someday- your S sounds so resilient, and seems to have so much self-knowledge for a kid his age. And making friends with older co-workers is probably a good thing, despite how wacky it may seem to you. They’ve been through more than kids your S’s age; they are likely to be less judgmental about the road less traveled since many of them have probably seen similar detours which turned out fine. And best of all- bonding over work is probably a huge boost to your son’s self-confidence. Being trusted and liked by your colleagues is half the battle in the workplace.</p>
<p>Big hug. Your S is very brave and so are you.</p>
<p>OP…I hope you will not find this post odd…but…I found your post strangely uplifting.</p>
<p>There are some regulars on this site with kids in similar situations — past and present — who cannot articulate their feelings as well as you did. You seem to have been so supportive of your son and, in spite of his illness and troubles, he has been willingly getting help, and he has a job! And…although not explicitly stated in your post…you appear to have a continuing relationship with him.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to diminish your sadness in your son’s life not turning out as you had envisioned it. But there seems to be so much positive in the story you have related - especially your own self-awareness.</p>
<p>I hope that, in time, you will find your son independent, self supporting, and…if not with a large group of peers…at least a few good friends (of whatever age) that he shares interests with and enjoys spending time with. He may need a college education and medication for this to happen…or he may not. Just try to keep an open mind about his happiness and self-satisfaction – which may be different from the standard way most of us think about happiness and satisfaction.</p>
<p>I agree, 2boysima. When reading the OP, I was reminded of several other very similar accounts by other parents. Like others, I see many positive aspects of the son’s situation.</p>
<p>I didn’t find delta’s post cynical at all. It is a fact that college today carries an enormous price tag, and for most parents, this cost represents years and years of work and saving. This huge investment raises expectations of what the student will gain from the experimence.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m one of “those parents” whose son has not had the college experience mommy expected or wanted. Just to put it into perspective, in our state, the 6 year graduation rate for males is in the 40-45% range. That means that over half of them don’t have a degree after six years. So the idea of “everyone” going straight through in 4 years turns out of be “less than half of everyone.”</p>
<p>Have hope.
Our perfect son was attending a very good liberal arts school for two years. He was struggling, and when his friends went abroad for junior year he managed to lose his visa applications, and at the last minute ask us if he could just not go to college for junior year and get psychological help. We agreed, and allowed him to live in another metropolitan city with the understanding he would find a job and contribute.
Well, it didn’t exactly work out that way. He dawdled, found a job thru the family, lost it, tried and failed at other work, then lived a subsistence life going for long walks and bike rides, reading, and writing poetry.
The therapist suggested an anti-depressant which helped some, but one day, when he told me that there were a number of classes he couldn’t contemplate taking because he couldn’t concentrate to read the material, a light came on. Even tho he’s not particularly hyper-active, his brother and dad have ADD, why didn’t it occur to us that he might have it too? Also, why didn’t it occur to the therapist, after weeks of therapy? So the therapist and son were persuaded to let him try Adderall (he is classic not-hyperactive ADD, more “dreamy”, and used to focus by drinking coffee all day long - which didn’t affect his sleeping, and convinces me that it is a characteristic of the way ADDers brains are wired differently). So, yes, now, he can focus much better, and is much happier. It is apparently quite common that kids get depressed when they have undiagnosed ADD, they know their brains are capable of thinking well, but they can’t seem to get their brains to work as efficiently as they should, and as their friends do. So over a long period of frustration the depression starts. It is difficult to diagnose, because shrinks want to keep talking about the depression, and especially with non-hyperactive kids, don’t immediately think of ADD.
So…he was thrilled to go back to school in September, he is totally engaged in school activities, and we are keeping our fingers crossed.
No one even asks how old someone was when they graduated college - whether they took a “gap” year or a year or two off for any other purpose. It seems important now, but is completely irrelevant in real life. I encourage you to follow the ADD possibility and see where it leads you.</p>
<p>Got to agree with 2boysima. Sounds as if you all have made some useful coices. reat to hear that your S is seeing a therapist. Too bad that he got into the pot scene at colle. We have seen a lot of that. It just shuts some kids down in high school or college. It is usually a sign of some other problems, but it sounds as thout your son’s therapist has got a handle on it. There are a lot of people that die in Mexico and on our streets in poor neighborhoods of the U.S. fighting to get pot distributed to college kids. Thank God you son is not suffering the fate of so many others. With a caring mom such as you and a professional helping him day to day - he is going to make it.</p>
<p>OP, your post struck home with me too. My D had a very tough freshman year last year. The particulars are different, but she didn’t have the year I thought she would/should/could have. I, in turn, was devastated, guilty, worried sick, and doubting everything I’d done for the past 18 years. But in among those other emotions, I remember feeling angry at my D – yea, actually angry. I’d hear about other freshmen who were doing great, or come here and read other parents’ reports of how well their kids were doing, and I felt cheated. Which of course only made me feel more guilty. Ugh.</p>
<p>Like your son, she chose a different path for herself because she sensed it was healthier for her. Like him, she is working on getting better, and remained in contact with her support system. I feel blessed for that – some kids get lost on that path, but yours and mine did not. And somewhere along the line, I gave up my dreams for her, and became a supporter of her dreams for herself. That subtle shift liberated her, and I think, was a turning point for both of us. You’re a good mom, and you’re on the right track.</p>
<p>I would suggest medication. There are so many kids on meds now, because the need it, not because it is pushed on them.</p>
<p>Great psychotropics for both Depresion and Anxiety.</p>
<p>Good friends of mine, one with a freshman with depression and the other anxiety, both getting relief from their medications. Sadly, both started just before school and have to make dosage adjustments, change of meds, by phone. Both parents kicking themselves for not starting this process sooner.</p>
<p>Your son is home, capable of holding a job… great!!! While home, this is the perfect time to start him on meds and you have all fall semester to adjust them. By Spring semester he may be willing and able to take classes again. Next Fall, maybe off to school or taking classes locally.</p>
<p>The key to meds is finding a great psychiatrist to prescribe them. Do NOT go through your family physician. They have less experience with the meds, types, differences, side effects, dosing etc. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Such wonderful advice…thank you. I feel better today than I did a few days ago, that day was a mess. But i cannot help my feelings of both feeling guilty for somehow creating this and for so badly wishing for him to be having that traditional college experience. I hope it will subside, but for now its alive and well:)
That said, I am actually meeting with a therapist once a week, we meet as a family once a week and my son is meeting his therapist once a week. We also talk on the phone every single day, she is fantastic and calls for updates. I am new to the whole world of therapy but think she must be exceptional…she has such a genuine interest in him and how he is doing.
I know that we can set the stage but that the production has to run on its own. I have “set the stage” by being the best mother I knew how to be, providing him with all the love, support and basics in life that he needed to be successful but that the “produciton” part of this is all up to him…its beyond my control and I am learning to accept this. Otherwise I am destined for a life of misery and blame.
I have to learn how to accept what is, and stop looking at what could be. I am trying hard to embrace him and support every little step he takes and concentrate on his life NOW. It will be a long road but I am determined we will walk it together.
Thank you!</p>
<p>Your son is lucky to have you.</p>