Need some help with EC Essay

<p>I just wrote up my EC essay for the common app, and I did it blindly- I wasn't too sure what exactly to write, or how to write it. As a result, I feel that it might be bland. I wanted to get it Ivy caliber (hah.), but first, I just need your opinions on this draft. Anyone?</p>

<p>-M</p>

<p>I'll look over it for you, pm me.</p>