Need some help...

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>I don't know if this is the proper area to post in, but I'm searching for some criticism on my introduction.</p>

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>In a personal essay, discuss the personality traits you have and the choices you have made which are obviously a result of your parents' influence on your life. ..... You should give specific info about your parent's personality reaits, beliefs, lifestyles, and then give specific exps in your own life where these influences are reflected. </p>

<p>My Intro:</p>

<pre><code>Each individual personality is the product of a diverse environment with the main component being influential parental guidance. Our birth order, genetics, the way we were treated by our siblings, the socioeconomic status of the family, education, location— all of these shaped us at the time when we were most vulnerable in our development. Shaping goes far beyond enforcing manners and following rules, but provides a state of independence that can compare only to our parents who initiated the process. Through dealing with parents who share strong emotional characteristics and perfection-seeking attitudes, I have developed a highly motivated, yet self-conscious persona.
</code></pre>

<p>Thesis seems too broad to me, in saying: strong emotional characteristics , but I'm tryin gto explain anger/depression without turning it into a list/too powerful.</p>

<p>Holistically how does it read? sloppy or gives a nice impression?</p>

2

<p>It reads very nicely, but I do agree that it sounds rather vague at the end.</p>

3

<p>Thank you.</p>

<p>I have changed the last line to: Through dealing with parents who share emotionally demanding characteristics and perfection-seeking attitudes, I have developed a highly motivated, yet self-conscious persona.</p>

<p>Don't know if that's any more clear though.</p>

4

<p>There is a forum for essay help...</p>

<p>But to answer your question, I would say that you shouldn't start it off with a tangential discussion. The prompt specifically asks for your parents' impact, so talk about that, rather than the fact that parents are only one factor of many</p>

5

<p>
[quote]
Our birth order, genetics, the way we were treated by our siblings, the socioeconomic status of the family, education, location— all of these shaped us at the time when we were most vulnerable in our development.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Or if you wanted to leave in the list, you could elaborate on how the items are parts of your parents' influence (aside from the obvious, like genetics).</p>