<p>I need some advice on handling a delicate subject with my S. Here's the situation.</p>
<p>S is a Freshman at a University about 2 hours away from home. Girlfriend is a HS Junior in our town. They became good friends the start of last school year and the relationship blossomed about 6 months ago. They love each other and both sets of parents support the relationship as long as school is the #1 priority. S has come back once to see her, she went up once to see him, and they met once in the middle over the past month. They seem to have their heads on straight about the relationship to the point where S was helping her start to narrow down a college list and prep for SATs this past weekend. They are both head over heels. We like the girlfriend very much and her parents like our S. This 2nd serious relationship for our S and it is her first serious one.</p>
<p>The issue is not the relationship or the viability of a long distance romance at their age. That is their issue. The issue not surprisingly is sex. I'm 99% sure they are active (no I'm not telling anyone how I know). That ship sailed with my S in his previous 2-year relationship (he did not tell me but I know). I'm pretty sure that this is a first for the GF. S does not know I know about the activity in the previous relationship.</p>
<p>I'm not under any illusion that I can get them to stop. My S and I have had several talks over the past few years about condoms, STDs, and condom failure rates. He is responsible and would always use a condom. I should add that knowing both of them they are monogamous. My concern (other than the fact that I think she is too young) is that my S is on scholarship and has ambitious career goals. The girlfriend is a very bright young lady and has a great future ahead of her too. I am worried about an "accident".</p>
<p>I feel I should have a private one-on-one discussion with my S the next time he is home. My feeling is that if they are going to be sexually active then the girlfriend should go on the Pill. And that the girlfriend should NOT do this on her own but should talk to her parents as part of the process. If they are mature enough to have sex then they should be mature enough to have the conversation.</p>
<p>I will make it clear that I am not condoning what they are doing, but if it is going to happen when they are in a committed relationship then they need to take the additional birth control steps. They both have too much to lose.</p>
<p>We have not spoken to the girl's parents about this and do not plan to. That would be a violation of trust at this point. We do know her parents, but not well. Perhaps the girlfriend has spoken with her parent(s) about this, I do not know.</p>
<p>What are your thoughts? Am I right in bringing this up? If the girlfriend was in college I would still be concerned but probably not as much as birth control is readily available there. But since the girlfriend will be only 17 in a few weeks (S is 18) I feel some responsibility to say something.</p>
<p>Honestly, the first thing that would worry me here is that your child who is new to a college has spent 3 weekends so far with the girlfriend. The chance of him getting the most out of college is unlikely if this continues.</p>
<p>I faced this with my oldest, a girl. When her high school boyfriend went to college not too far away she wanted to be there all the time. We knew there was a good chance her heart would get broken. In the end the 2 sets of parents had to put our collective feet down--neither child would get the most out of what they were doing without limits. One weekend a month was allowed.</p>
<p>That said, all you can do on the "accident" front is educate your son and trust in him.</p>
<p>The number of visits is not as bad as it sounds. The first one was for a few hours at a family function the girlfriend had a few miles from school. The second visit was for a couple hours dinner at a half way point on a Sunday night. The third was this weekend when S came home to visit. They will not see each other until mid-Oct now.</p>
<p>S is adjusting very well at school, has friends, and is very active in an EC.</p>
<p>Just go ahead and express yourself (you should also remind him that she's a minor, and that having sex with her subjects him to possible criminal action even if he thinks that its consensual -- she's legally under the age of consent in most states and if she gets pregnant, he might be surprised at how quickly "unsupportive" of the relationship her parents become!). </p>
<p>You won't be able to do anything but make the suggestion to him, however. Obviously, no one can force her to go on the pill. </p>
<p>Personally, I'd suggest a lecture about the benefits of the pill and its accessiblity through either private physicians, planned parenthood or college health services, instead of making this girlfried-specific. </p>
<p>I want my kids to be afraid that I'm going to find out what they're doing (but yes, kids, I actually do know EVERYTHING!!). Sneaking around to have sex is an honored American tradition.... and I prefer maintaining the fiction that my sons aren't having sex yet, which makes it easier when dealing with their GFs and their parents. I also don't want to have any of those conversations about "you know anyway, so why can't (Jack & Jill) be more open about their relationship", yada yada.</p>
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you should also remind him that she's a minor, and that having sex with her subjects him to possible criminal action even if he thinks that its consensual
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</p>
<p>Probably not, given how close they are in age.</p>
<p>Have a conversation with your S. You might be surprised that the gf is on the pill or is using some other birth control.</p>
<p>My S's HS girlfriend's mother was very open about her concerns for both her daughter and my S. You might take the mother out to lunch and she may bring it up.</p>
<p>A good friend who is the grandmother of a now college freshman female discussed just what she expected of the girl's boyfriend in the way of both of them using protection the first time she met him face to face. </p>
<p>Sounds like it would be better to feel awkward than have them in a delimna.</p>
<p>In my state, so long as the girl is 15 or older it is not statutory rape so long as the male is not more than 3 years older.</p>
<p>your concerns sound both quite fair to each of them and reality based before either of them has even a shot at adjusting to college much less adulthood. I would tell him everything you think about the reason they are waaaaay to young to cope with a baby or an abortion. Scare him. They are NOT behaving at this moment like young adults mature enough to be sexually active, and you must ask him to step up his game if he is going to take the risks. Her tender age should be brought up as one of the most unwise elements but mainly you want to protect them both from an event of a pregnancy. He doesn't want either of those options..tell him about your own friends who faced this crossroad in college or later when they were not ready for marriage and parenthood. Ask him to ask her to go to Planned Parenthood, even if it means including her own mother, and facing that parental disapproval. Bad things happen to nice young people. She is very young, still at home, and a year away from her own college health care center. I had these talks with my son as we drove to college (he listened to every word I said, but offered little) and later a couple more times. I told him that girls are notoriously unwilling to plan for sexual activity at this age due to muddy concerns they have about risk and morality, and they will rely on the boy to do the thinking which puts them both at risk. Girls living at home are pretty bad/avoidant/fearful re taking responsibility that they are "planning" for sex, and they avoid sneaking around to get on the pill, and condoms are not enough for sexually active kids. Because of her very young age, I would definitely have a very strong talk with him about her future and his responsibility to make sure her own college years are not compromised, even if he has to put his foot down and stop being intimate with her until she resolves to also step up re protection. Maybe she is already taking care of this..would be reassuring to know. Good luck...getting into college really is easy compared to growing up, yes? I hope they will both have very happy college years and be good to each other. One thing I impressed on my son is that how he treats any young woman will be remembered into her adulthood, impact her own self image/personal history and that he needs to know that decisions he is making starting the first time he is sexually active...can be long lasting for another person on many levels.</p>
<p>Iconsult, I know how you feel and empathize with your sticky situation. It seems to me that all you can really do is talk with your son and stress the importance of some kind of back-up birth control - you know, condoms plus SOMEthing. As I told my D, the condoms are for disease prevention and the other (the Pill?) is for pregnancy. I, too, would be worried about an accident using condoms alone, and I think you should at least broach the topic with him.</p>
<p>The trick is having the conversation without recrimination, with respect, and(maybe) with wry humor, depending on your own relationship with your son. You're right - you can't really "make" them stop having sex now that they've started. You also can't "make" the girl have the conversation with her parents, although I agree that would be ideal. At the very least, your son and his gf should be talking about this between themselves.</p>
<p>Good luck! It can be a difficult situation, but you sound as if you've kept your cool just fine!</p>
<p>I don't know if getting the gf on the pill is any answer. I am a strong advocate of personal responsibility, and my feeling is that the male should use condoms because he knows they are being used. I know of too many "accidents" that have occurred with the pill. Once the pill is in the mix, the male thinks that is the end of the bc issue and he does not have to be careful. Sometimes the female goes off the pill without telling her partner, is careless with the pill, and that leads to a big problem.</p>
<p>I think a talk is in order about responsibility, but I would not suggest that he put bc on the female's shoulders which is what taking the pill does.</p>
<p>I think it is a perfect time to have the talk again since he is new to college. "Now that you have started college there will be lots of sex around and you must be careful which means etc etc"</p>
<p>I have a dear friend whom I've known for many years with a son the same age as my oldest who has much in common with him. Particularly the weaknesses and things that drive both of us moms crazy. When I visited her this year, I found out that he now has a son, which sent a chill down my spine, because these two boys (mine and hers) have done so many similar things over the years. It turned out that the woman in the situation was supposed to be on the pill. Though it was supposed to be ADDITIONAL protection, they got careless and stopped using condoms. She went off the pill for some reason or other, and got pregnant. Deliberate? Maybe. Long story goes with this but the short gist of this is that there is now another child in this world.</p>
<p>It could be a life altering decision to rely on the "other' person when it comes to birth control. Every male should make sure that he is taking all the necessary precautions as well. I've seen too many "intentional mistakes".</p>
<p>I've been the mom of the girl in this situation (and I guess I've also been the girl:).)</p>
<p>And yes, I agree with others that you MUST talk openly about the need for birth control and STD protection for him and the girlfriend. If they were to have a baby in the next few years, you would be on the hook emotionally and financially, of course, so I'm sure you're highly motivated to speak up!</p>
<p>Get the phone number and website info for Planned Parenthood, and any other local health clinic that specializes in reproductive health and hand/email him this information. I don't know which state you are in, but where we live, girls can visit the clinic and receive advice, an exam and contraception at a very modest fee, and in one visit, without parental consent.</p>
<p>If he resists advice or discussion, you might share your concerns about STD's and also your desire not to be a grandparent yet, and that's why you have the right to comment.</p>
<p>crossposted with JHS and jonri below, and I do agree that you should not be talking with the girlfriend, just providing good info to your son.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>It's unlikely that, in any state I know, it's statutory rape for an 18 or 19 year-old boy to have sex with a 16 or 17 year-old girl. Typically, statutory rape statutes require a minimum age difference (usually more than 3 years) once one of the partners is 15 or 16. So, much as some people would love to use this argument, it's probably not true.</p></li>
<li><p>I can't imagine any circumstances under which a boyfriend's parents should have anything to say about his girlfriend's choice of birth control method. That's waaaaaaaay over the line, and might earn you a punch in the nose from me if the girl happened to be my daughter and I happened to find out about it. Which isn't to say that your concerns aren't rational -- of course they are -- but it really is none of your business. Discuss your son's responsibilities and the importance of protecting himself with your son. Do not tell him to make his girlfriend go on the pill. He can no doubt think of that himself.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I know I may be in the minority here, but I don't see what right you have to demand that the young woman talk to her parents about birth control. Nor do I think you have the right to demand that she go on the pill, which is not free from risks, after all. </p>
<p>My own take on this--and admittedly I come from it from a very different viewpoint--is that it's fine for you to have this discussion with your son. You should ask him if he knows if she is using any birth control other than condoms, warn him of the high failure rate, and ask him if they have ever discussed what would happen if there is an "accident." </p>
<p>Obviously, what she says is not an enforceable promise. However, I know of many young couples where the young man ASSUMED the young woman would have an abortion if there was an accident, and the young woman was fairly sure she would have the child. Things change when there is really a pregnancy involved, but still, the issue should be raised right at the outset. </p>
<p>But you are IMO, seriousy overstepping your bounds when you start telling your son what his girlfriend must tell her parents and demanding that she use a particular form of birth control.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>age of consent is this state is not an issue</p></li>
<li><p>I am not "demanding" she go on the pill. I want him to talk with her about it. Perhaps they already are. I just want them to take additional precautions. I am not going to insist she talk to her parents, but highly recommend it. </p></li>
<li><p>We've had the condom discussion several times and he listened. I'm not trying to move the responsibility to her. My strong advice will be to use both condoms and the pill (or another form of bc) for the reasons several people have stated. I should have been more clear on that point.</p></li>
</ul>
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[quote]
One thing I impressed on my son is that how he treats any young woman will be remembered into her adulthood, impact her own self image/personal history and that he needs to know that decisions he is making starting the first time he is sexually active...can be long lasting for another person on many levels.
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I sure wish every kid heard this from his parents. This is very well said.</p>
<p>I know two young college aged boys who believed their girlfriends were on the pill. Both became dads long, long before they had planned.</p>
<p>Not overstepping at all. You are his parent & the potential grandparent of any unplanned bundle of joy. I agree that the conversation should ONLY involve your son. Like JHS, I'd go nuts if any parent discussed birth control or sexual issues with my D.</p>