Need to have awkward conversation with S - advice?

<p>I'm not fazed by a child's opinion. Someday you may be a parent and hopefully mature and understand that a parent's job is to teach and protect their children. The children may not like it, but it has to be done. Believe me is it much easier to ignore things. But being an adult and a good parent means not taking the easy way out. </p>

<p>It sounds to me like your Mother came down on you for the B-, D-, F, F, F, F progress report you wrote about in a thread last Spring. If so, good for her.</p>

<p>Thank you Riverrunner, well said. </p>

<p>Back to topic at hand.</p>

<p>OP, I wish more parents were as proactive in their thinking as you. I am a GYN and yes, I also think there needs to be two methods of birth control, one of which also lessens the risk of STD's. </p>

<p>
[quote]
Condoms virtually never fail IF THEY ARE USED CORRECTLY.

[/quote]
I am sorry to say, this is not true. Even if used correctly they CAN break and even when applied in what seemed to be a correct manner, they can end up coming off in the vagina. And while there is always PLAN B emergency contraception for those instances, Plan B is not available over the counter in all states for all ages, and sometimes kids don't even know about it. </p>

<p>I think a hormonal contraceiptive such as the pill or patch or ring represents minimal risk for a teen (I have a teen on it initially for both acne and period problems, but when the need is there, so will be the protection). I think the best combination is one that is hormonal and one that is barrier. So even on the pill ,condoms ARE A MUST. I used to advocate condoms with spermacide as another option, with spermacide used by the female partner as a suppository or gel, sponge or diaphragm. But there was a time that noxinyl-9 use was associated with an increase not decrease risk of HIV. That may no longer be the case, and in a monogamous relationship this option is another option that is hormone free.</p>

<p>Some may tell us to mind our business as parents, but as a physician who has had COUNTLESS patients sobbing after the results of a positive pregnancy test, patients who would have jumped at the opportunity for better protection (even from an overly concerned parent), I say have the conversation. </p>

<p>If the kids are having sex, (have been having sex, and are going to continue to have sex,) and her father punches you out for suggesting she go on the pill, he is the fool.</p>

<p>Iconsult, you are NOT sticking your nose where it doesn't belong in talking to your son. I am a mom responsible for talking to my sons by default and when I found a condom in DS's pocket, I jumped on the chance to have some open dialogue with him. We had already had the discussion, but I figured a refresher course couldn't hurt.</p>

<p>I would first express that I think he's too young to be having sex and I'm not happy about it. Having said that, however, I'd be happy to learn they're on birth control. Then wait to see what he shares with you. If he doesn't share this information, just ask him. </p>

<p>I took the opportunity to go further in the discussion by cautioning him that some girls will lie about being on birth control, so he can never be too careful, that condoms are always necessary to avoid std's. I told him not to go into a girl's dorm room with the door closed if he didn't know her extremely well, because she could accuse him of something. There were a number of other things I added, but you get the point. Did I go overboard? Maybe. But I'd rather have him aware of what might happen in a given situation.</p>

<p>I would also tell him that at this age, what feels like love is different than what people feel is love when they're 25. Tell him you'd like to see them both date a lot of people, and you'd just like him to think about that now that he's at college. I think it's fair to share these sentiments, he may not know what your position is.</p>

<p>Then, if you have no more questions, I'd ask if he had any questions and I'd leave it at that. </p>

<p>Good luck. We parents don't get paid enough, do we?</p>

<p>Mouse- parents are the ones who make huge changes to help pick up the mess when their college student gets pregnant, gets a DUI, gets arrested, flunks out, etc. It is easy to say, "hands off, they are adults" but when you are both paying for college financially and will pay for the fix it to a serious problem, complete hands off is irresponsible.</p>

<p>Condoms break, even when used properly, ask my Dad :D All birth control has a failure rate, even when used properly- I know so many married couples who one would assume have a level of sexual comfort exceeding that of two teens in the back seat of a car, who have gotten pregnant on BC- the pill, the IUD, the sponge, condoms, etc, all have been used properly and still resulted in some pregnancies. You cannot be to careful. The OP is being very smart to make sure her son is aware of the potential, has thought it through, and considered, "what would I do if" rather than assuming, "it will never happen to me"</p>

<p>I told my DD at school that if she chooses to make the choice to have sex with some one, before any body parts start touching she needs to have the what would happen if discussion. If you are not mature enough to condier those consequences, you are not mature enough to be sexually active</p>

<p>My friend, who has become a grandmother earlier than expected under circumstances that made the occasion far less joyous is paying tremendously for her son and his girlfriend's mistake. When you love your children, and they find themselves in this sort of situation, it truly hurts. A child is not a mistake you feel for a day, or a year. It is a lifetime. The young man is no longer with his girlfriend, and it has been a very difficult situation for the family. It certainly is not one I would wish on anyone, mother, father, baby, grandparents. When young people get into situations like this before they are able to handle them on their own, the spillover goes to the parents. Easy to say ignore; let them suffer, but we really are emotionally involved. It can hurt so terribly. Better to at least discuss potential pitfalls so that the mom knows that the young man is aware of the situation.</p>

<p>Plan B is very important. My older daughter is on the same page as me. Unfortunately for the boy, we would not be taking the boy's preference(or his mother's) into consideration when we make our decision if there is an unfortunate outcome. I applaud OP for her proactive concern of her son's action.</p>

<p>It's clear you are a very concerned parent with both kid's best interest at heart. I've been around the block with this kind of thing a few times with one in grad school, a college senior and a freshmen. What I've learned is that the appropriate level of involvement changes when the "child" is in college. You need to trust their judgment. </p>

<p>IMO it would not be appropriate to suggest the young lady talk to her parents about birth control. That is completely her choice and her business. Birth control is between her and your son. Information is readily available. </p>

<p>Again, IMO, what you get to do is tell your son how you feel about what he is doing and suggest he take pains to make sure they are both kept healthy and that their future's are not compromised. Beyond that you are venturing into inappropriate involvement.</p>

<p>In my case it was my bf's mom who had the discussion with me. When we were in H.S. And, yes, we later went to different colleges and married after we had graduated.</p>

<p>hmom5 - I'll say it again. No where did I say that I was going to talk with the young lady about BC. I am advising my son to have the conversation with her about additional methods. I feel strongly that if she is sexually active she should talk to her parents and will say so to my son. At no time did I say I was going to have a conversation with her. </p>

<p>And everyone, I'm the father. :)</p>

<p>I don't know that talking about birth control with the girl is over the line. Presumably if she gets pregnant your son will be liable for child support. Since neither the son or his girl friend are financially independent yet, that means that essentially, YOU will be liable for child support. </p>

<p>Anyone that choose to engage in an activity that will have huge financial consequences for a third party ought to at least be able to talk to that third party in an unembarrassed way about it. But if she can't or won't, I guess she's just behaving like the child that she is.</p>

<p>It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when a middle-aged man tries to tell someone else's teen-aged daughter what sort of birth control she should be using.</p>

<p>WOW, how many times does the OP have to repeat that he is NOT interested in talking to the young lady about birth control, he is suggesting that his SON talk to his girlfriend about bc pills!!</p>

<p>^^^its not unheard of. In my house, the "middle aged man" is a medical professional and the young women involved are friends of the family seeking the best information possible. Welcome to my world. A number of times teens have come to us with questions about these issues because we don't flinch (at least externally.) To the OP and others facing these discussions, making sure your children have access to medical professionals, either casually or through access (money and transportation) to appropriate clinics is key.</p>

<p>Thank you nrdsb4. I don't how I can make it any more clear. I am NOT going to talk to the young lady about this. That is the responsibility of my S.</p>

<p>I don't even think suggesting bc pills to the son is a good idea because it does put primary responsibility on the other party. Too much chance of failure not due to son's actions. It's just too easy to drop those condoms when the female is supposed to be on the pill. I've seen the pill failure too many times. The pill is very effective only if it is used faithfully and only the female can be responsible for that.</p>

<p>I think you should talk to your son, and tell him whatever it is you feel appropriate. I am also a big advocate of openness between parents and kids about being sexually active, especially in HS, since at that time kids have no independent access to medical care. If there is a problem (and it does not have to be a pregnancy or STDs...), but the child has to "confess" first, they are much less likely to seek the medical care they might need.</p>

<p>That said, some parents are so extremely uncomfortable with the idea of their children being sexually active, that they prefer to pretend that they don't know about it even when they do. You can't possibly know what the GF family situation is in that respect, so it is totally inappropriate for you to suggest (even to your son) that she should talk to her parents about it. It should be totally up to her.</p>

<p>nngmm - I think it is totally appropriate to advise the girl to talk to her patents. It is ultimately her decision. If the situation was reversed I would want her parents to advise my son to talk to us.</p>

<p>To me becoming sexually active is one of the rites of passage that marks the transition to being an adult. Certainly many enter into sexual relationships without maturity, but from the little you've said your son and the young woman sound like solid citizens. Given your level of involvement here, I also assume your son is a well raised young man who got parental input throughout his life including education on all fronts.</p>

<p>IMO, even suggesting the girl talk to her parents is over the line. In my mind what's appropriate is for you to underscore your broad concerns, but it's time for these young people to handle their lives as they see fit.</p>

<p>I have to admit, DH would probably be agreeing with you. He wants to drive up to DS's college to make sure he's not having too much fun before a single grade has been received. And while I'm also very concerned about the fact that DS seems to have landed on frat row, I'm blocking DH's path to the car because it's time DS deals with his life with minimal parental intervention IMO.</p>

<p>hmom5 - thanks for your input. I do let my S handle his own life, but in this case I'm going to involve myself a bit due to the consquences for both of them. After our discussion it will be up to them what happens and what is discussed with whom. Out of my hands then. What I am trying to do is to express an appropriate level of concern for their welfare. </p>

<p>I have to confess I still don't understand the opposition by a few posters of suggesting to my S that he talk to his GF about her discussing the issue with her parents. I know the parents and believe me they would want to know. If a child communicates with a parent about a difficult issue it should be a positive in the long run. If the GF was 18 and in college I would not bring the subject up. </p>

<p>Who knows, her patents may already know and additional methods may be in use so the entire conversation is a moot point.</p>