Need to have awkward conversation with S - advice?

<p>I know several people whose DDs got pregnant at 19 or 20 and kept the baby; this is a lifetime affecting situation. The OP is being smart and proactive.</p>

<p>As a parent of a young woman I totally agree with cptofthehouse's point that having your son talk to his girlfriend about talking to her parents about going on the pill does shift primary responsibility for not getting pregnant on the young woman. </p>

<p>I don't necessarily agree with the owness for pregnancy prevention and the "extra precautions" should soley lie with the young woman although conceptually I understand this as yes, the young woman will have to go through the pregnancy, give birth to the child and raise the child whether or not dad decides to stay in the picture. However, at the end of the day, she is not going to get pregnant by herself.</p>

<p>But by the same token, if you are worried about your son having an unplanned pregnancy and dealing with the consequences, perhaps he should also be rethinking about whether or not he should continue to be in a sexual relationship (which at this stage may be easier said than done but it still does not negate the only 100% way to prevent an unplanned pregnacy is to not have sex). But if your son is going to continue to be in a sexual relationship, he can only count on what he is going to do on his end and what his role is should a "what if" occurs. If he is in for a penny, then he has got to be in for a pound.</p>

<p>Have a talk with your son.<br>
Explain to him that while you are confident that he is using condoms correctly every time - that every responsible sexually active man will make sure his partner is using protection as well.
Maybe she is - you might be surprised to know how many 16 year olds are on the pill/ring etc. She also needs to see a gyn. </p>

<p>If they have talked about it and she is too nervous to go to her parents - then tell him to tell her to tell her mother that she is having <em>problems</em> down there. If her mother hasn't talked to her about BC then she probably doesn't want to know any more info and will make the appointment the next day.
He could always take her to planned parenthood. </p>

<p>The ring is actually more convenient than the pill although it has to be kept in the refrigerator. She could keep them at your house though.</p>

<p>Definitely have that talk with you son and see how it goes. He could put your mind at ease.</p>

<p>The purpose of having the GF talk to her parents is that they should be aware of what is happening a start a dialog with their D. It is not to shift responsibilty. Assuming she does not end up with my S this issue will probably happen again so they really need to discuss the issue. </p>

<p>Suggesting a secondary method of BC is not shifting responsibilty either. Condoms absolutely need to be used in addition to whatever else is used. But the reality is that the other methods are primarily on the female side of the equation.</p>

<p>The young woman's calculus might be:</p>

<p>Plus of BC: modest improvement in safety.</p>

<p>Minus of BC: must discuss with parents.</p>

<p>BC might be a hard sell.</p>

<p>OP, do you have a D? How would you react to her BF's father "encouraging" her to take the pill? </p>

<p>If it were my 16 year old D, I'd be pretty annoyed about it, and about the attitude that another father thinks he knows what is best for my D in this matter. Some might also suspect that the underlying motivation is that S wants to dispense with the condom.</p>

<p>I presume that the hope is that S will encourage the pill without saying "My dad thinks that...". Things, though, have a way of not going according to plan; people may well figure out why S suddenly is advocating GF going on the pill. </p>

<p>Imho, you're on much safer and more productive ground simply stressing the importance of birth control generally and the negative consequences of an unwanted pregnancy and stopping there.</p>

<p>Iconsult--</p>

<p>This a.m. I put your situation out as a hypothetical at the training gym I go to. </p>

<p>2 Dads and 1 Mom of girls all said that they would assume or had assumed (1 dad and 1 mom had late college age girls) that serious dating between a college boy and their HS daughter included intercourse. It was unanimous that they would or did address the sex-birth control- 2 methods with the girls.</p>

<p>Also unanimous from all or us (even those who have only sons) was that the male ought to really consider whether this relationship is something he thinks will last. If not, the feeling was that he should be the one to consider letting this end now. Most of us agreed from our experience that the HS girl stands a great chance of getting hurt and having this really diminish the enjoyment of the last couple of years of HS.</p>

<p>BTW--to a person we agreed that your S is lucky to have you as a parent. What is your husband's take and involvment in this? I know I took the lead with my S and these conversations were not really awkward .</p>

<p>OP is a dad. </p>

<p>So the question would be what is mom's take?</p>

<p>07dad, I agree with your question, how emotionally vested are either of the parties? </p>

<p>There is a saying that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.</p>

<p>ADad - I'm not sure you read the entire thread. I've altered my original approach to recommending that my S consider supplemental BC. Of course he will discuss this with the GF. I do not have a D, but if the situation was reversed and I did not know what was going on I would not be annoyed that the other parent prompted them to be extra responsible.</p>

<p>If she were my daughter I would have had this conversation with her already.</p>

<p>And I can't imagine a universe where a father would recommend to his S that he have his GF go on BC so he can stop using condoms. Creepy, invasive, and dangerous for reasons already discussed.</p>

<p>I know that you would not recommend BC simply to dispense with the condom.</p>

<p>I'm sorry that I have not read the entire thread. Fwiw, I agree that there's a big difference between recommending a specific form of birth control and making the general suggestion that supplemental birth control would be very much worth considering.</p>

<p>07DAD - I am the father. My wife and I have discussed this and we agreed it would be better if I had the conversation without her there. My S and I are very close. It will still be awkward. I'm going to have to start and then just see where the conversation goes.</p>

<p>I'm very sure both parties are emotionally invested. I was told by a parent of a D that worked with him this summer that several college age girls made it know they were interested and he politely make it known he was in a relationship and it was exclusive. I had the "are you sure" discussion with S when he told me they were going to keep seeing each other exclusively. I related my experience trying the same thing (GF in HS, me in college, but not sexually active) - needless to say it did not work. My son knows the details of why it did not work and the effect it had on the young lady. I wish they were not as serious as they appear to be.</p>

<p>If I did not think my S was really "in love" with this girl the conversation would be taking a very different tone. I will say that she seems to having a bit more difficulty with the separation, but that is a 30,000 foot observation.</p>

<p>Another point is that I did discuss the relationship in private with her father just before S left for school. We did not discuss sex, just if they had any concerns about the potential of someone getting hurt. They did not. They like and respect my son and feel that they are good for each other. He made the point that she may concentrate on schoolwork better without them seeing other constantly (they were on a couple of sports teams together). Both sets of parents have made it clear to them that we will support the relationship as long as school comes first and there are no other issues.</p>

<p>My wife is concerned about the issue of them being too serious, but we've come to the conclusion that all other things being equal we'd rather he be in a monogamous relationship with a young lady we know and like vs chasing girls at school.</p>

<p>It is entirely possible that her parents have had the conversation with her and everything is being handled appropriately. I certainly hope so. My only motivation is simply to do the best I can to make sure he (they) have the information they need and are aware of our concern. After that it is up to them. They both have too much to lose.</p>

<p>And thanks for discussing this with a group to get their opinions. Very much appreciated. Although the specifics may differ from case to case this is an issue that happens on a daily basis - much more than many parents are willing to admit.</p>

<p>Inconsult,
just to demonstrate my point, here's a quote from this thread:

[quote]
I want my kids to be afraid that I'm going to find out what they're doing (but yes, kids, I actually do know EVERYTHING!!). Sneaking around to have sex is an honored American tradition.... and I prefer maintaining the fiction that my sons aren't having sex yet, which makes it easier when dealing with their GFs and their parents. I also don't want to have any of those conversations about "you know anyway, so why can't (Jack & Jill) be more open about their relationship", yada yada.

[/quote]
From what I've seen, it is a very common sentiment among today's American parents.</p>

<p>I'm wondering, how many parents here have teenagers that will openly discuss that they are having sex?</p>

<p>
[quote]
Another point is that I did discuss the relationship in private with her father just before S left for school. We did not discuss sex, just if they had any concerns about the potential of someone getting hurt. They did not. They like and respect my son and feel that they are good for each other. He made the point that she may concentrate on schoolwork better without them seeing other constantly (they were on a couple of sports teams together).

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'm just tea leaf reading, but 2 dads discussing a HS-college relationship between their kids and talking about "getting hurt" probably are code talking "sex" at some level.</p>

<p>I too think that all parents need to be discussing and considering these issues. My trainer has a young daughter and he is trying to come up with a plan on how to address the sex and sexuality issues. He has repeatedly expressed appreciation to the different clients for their observations and suggestions. </p>

<p>I am old enough to remember when all this was more kept in the dark. I don't think that helped then and it can be lethal now.</p>

<p>No, I can honestly say that there was no subtext of a sexual nature. We were totally talking about the emotional issue of one of them getting hurt. A sexual relationship never even crossed my mind during the discussion.</p>

<p>My S did ask me afterward "what were you and Mr XXXXXXXXX talking about?" I told him the truth.</p>

<p>Hmom5 - my S has not come to me saying "hey guess what?". He won't bring it up, but he will discuss it on an adult level if I am tactful. He has come to me on at least one occasion with a specific sex related question when he was younger. The question was male specific and totally appropriate.</p>

<p>We are extremely fortunate with our S that he is a good kid and we can discuss things. I realize that many others are not that lucky.</p>

<p>@hmom5 - I do.</p>

<p>@07DAD - I can tell you what worked for me. I talked to my daughters when I first saw some significant interest in boys (way before sex was remotely relevant - some time in the middle school), and after the "talk" told them that I am asking them to let me know when they start considering to become sexually active. I told them that I could not promise to be happy or supportive of their decision, but I did promise to help with whatever decision they made.</p>

<p>07DAD, your friend group sounds really enlightened. The problem is when the daughters are more liberal and free-thinking than the parents, who refuse to discuss sex beyond a request for abstinence. If the OP's son, or any other boy for that matter, is dating a girl in this situation, then the problem of birth control and safe sex falls squarely on the shoulders of the boy and the gf. I have made calls to local clinics, on behalf of high school girls, to make sure I understand their policies concerning confidentiality, billing proceedures, cost, age of consent for treatment, etc. These girls were PETRIFIED that their parents would find out that they were planning to be sexually active, but needed information and help. They were 17-18 and still in high school. The norm in their social group was that this was the girls' problem to solve (like in the olden days.) Providing boys with good information about clinics, birth control and STDs will help. Being able to say "I heard there's a clinic that will see you without your parents' knowing" can be very helpful. Of course this is not the ideal parent/chlid relationship, but it's all too common.</p>

<p>I know my older daughter would discuss it with me. We are very close and we could talk about almost anything, sometimes it's too much information. My younger one is more "non-disclosure."</p>

<p>nngmm--</p>

<p>I did exactly the same. </p>

<p>He has confided in me about some sex related issues and we have discussed the ready availablity of condoms and other bc at his college.</p>

<p>riverrunner--</p>

<p>I was very lucky to have open parents. The pill had just become available when I was in late HS. On two occassions HS aged female friends asked me to accompany them to the Planned Parenthood location so they wouldn't have to sit there alone. YEP, sometimes it is tough to be a kid without parents with whom you feel you can discuss things.</p>

<p>This thread seems to have run its course, so I would like to thank everyone who responded and gave their opinions. It was very helpful and caused me to modify my initial position a bit. </p>

<p>I'll post an update in a couple weeks when we've had the conversation (this one has to be face to face).</p>