So this is my 1st go around and we have decided that private school is the way to go vs. the LPS in our area. When most people hear this they wonder what’s wrong with the LPS - without even getting into that debate my kiddo has chosen a school and will end up birding there. I hear comments like how can people send their kids away, they want their kids to be perfect, do you know how much trouble kids can get into at BS?? How have you dealt with the negative comments?? We didn’t intentionally choose to board, it’s just the school that was liked best. I know I’m gonna miss the heck out of my kid, but I also know the growth that will come from the experience as well.
You need to do what is right for you.
As an FYI, this has been discussed numerous times.You might want to look through past threads,e.g.:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1124520-negative-reactions-regarding-child-attending-bs-p1.html
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/914019-peer-reactions.html
Welcome to the club @FirstTimesACharm! I’m a BS alumna and currently have a 9th grade son who is attended a boarding school. I’ve heard it all - going all the way back to when I was in 8th grade and people couldn’t understand why I was going away. I warned my son before he started the process that for years to come he would have to answer questions and defend his reasons why he chose to go away to school. People will ask if he did something wrong to be “sent away.” (It amazes me how much that stigma stays around!)
Over the years I have come up with a canned explanation of why I went to BS, and have just kind of rehashed that since my son started this year. When I went away, I left a highly regarded private K-12 day school that I hated. No one could understand why I did not want to stay for high school, and I just said I needed a change of scenery and something more than they could provide. I gladly left and never looked back.
My son attended a private K-8 school that sends a lot of kids to BS, so he didn’t get as many questions from school friends. But some of his closest friends were actually from his club sports teams, and most of them attend public school. It’s been difficult for them to understand, and I think they don’t really know how to relate to him when he’s home on breaks.
Questions from other parents to me usually come from a defensive standpoint. I try to explain why we chose this route without being critical of the public schools in our area. But no matter what I say, some parents will feel defensive or insulted that we chose a private boarding school over the public school where their own kids attend. TBH I have dealt with that for 10 years because I chose to send my kids to a private K-8 school instead of public school, but suddenly, going to BS just ramps it all up to a different degree.
Reading through those old threads is helpful - it can give you great ideas on how to respond to rude comments or questions. Most importantly, know that you are not alone and that many BS parents, students and alumni can relate to your experiences!
Thanks for the links @skieurope I didn’t even think to search for it! I’m surprised to see so many pages of replies! I definitely have lots to read! 
Thanks @dramakid2 for your reply as well. I guess I’m surprised at people’s reactions … why? I really don’t know I guess I’m the type of person that doesn’t question other people’s choices. Everyone has to do what works or them!
I’m glad I have a place where I can come for some help. I don’t know what I would be doing if there wasn’t someplace that I could find information from!
I’m glad buuznkid1 paved the way for buuznkid2. We received so many off-color comments and questions with him. It was his decision to go to BS…approached me with it when he was 9. He’s a very quiet kid and keeps to himself anyway, so he tried to keep the decision and process to himself. DD is the opposite. She’s telling anyone in her vicinity she’s going to BS. I think she’s SO “in your face” about it that no one will ask or comment. They probably don’t want to encourage her to talk any more about it! Lol.
I think the best part is running into those naysayers now and have them ask how DS is doing. I truthfully and confidently tell them he’s thriving and BS was the best decision we ever could’ve made.
Thanks @buuzn03 - today was the first time I heard “sending your kid away” and I think I almost passed out! I know it hasn’t fully hit me yet. I know I will be a mess when the time comes to leave home. I’ve already broken down talking to my own mother about sending off our kiddo. It truly does make me think twice about it, but it’s not about me or my feelings. I keep thinking of all the wonderful opportunities this kid is going to have and how much that will help shape who they become! I seriously wish I had that as an option.
RE: “sending your kid away”… my response is my son found a wonderful educational opportunity he wanted to explore and we are facilitating that for him. People are shocked to hear he drove the process and in a way, I think they are a bit jealous that their kid didn’t have the initiative, drive or desire to do it. After one mother heard my explanation she called my son over and said “Wow, that takes some guts (well, she actually used a different anatomical term, but I’ve already been warned about profanity on this forum). Good for you”. I also have one that stayed in public school. I just say, “different kids, different paths”.
Quite frankly, I have learned not to care what other people think. You are doing what is right for your kid, they can do what they want with theirs.
I usually just play in to what people want to hear, and tell them I’m so glad to have the turbulence, smells and appetite of an adolescent boy hundreds of miles away. This seems to put people at ease - my choice isn’t an indictment of their parenting, it’s evidence of my poor parenting! - and the conversation moves on. For the handful of people I care enough about to get into it with, I’m blunt and honest and explain that the opportunities he has at school are opportunities we (his parents and the local schools) never could have provided for him, and we’re grateful he has this chance.
The issue I’ve always found more difficult (as a BS alumna) is that as soon as someone finds out you went to boarding school, they will make assumptions about you based on the school, and then assumptions about the school based on you. My son has already experienced this - home on break, he made a silly error calculating the cost of something, and someone at the table immediately said, “Wait - don’t you go to XYZ? Aren’t you supposed to be super smart? Guess the reputation isn’t always true, haha!” Just recently, I was at a professional conference, and the topic came up. It turned out that there were 3 other boarding school alums in my small group, and one blurted out, “I’m sure you’re a lot smarter than I am, but I’m also sure I had a lot more fun at school than you did.” I assured him that both statements were likely false
If you are confident in your decision you smile and say, "its’ the best fit for him/her. Beyond that you will have to ignore comments.
@FirstTimesACharm whenever anyone says I’ve “sent my son away” (this includes my own parent), I simply say “I didn’t send him anywhere, I allowed him to go pursue his dreams”. I even tell myself that, usually when I’m dropping him off at the airport! It is very hard to let them go…but when you see the benefits, it makes it all worthwhile.
We never considered BS, nor has anyone I know, so my perspective may be a bit different.
But you are entitled to provide any good education you choose for your child. No one else’s opinion matters.
Remember when you were trying to name him? And everyone had an opinion, but yours were the only ones that mattered?
This is the same thing. Don’t feel that you need to justify your choices to anyone. The one who pays the bills makes the choices.
Smile politely and change the subject. Or suddenly excuse yourself for a trip to the ladies room, and change the subject when you return. Rinse and repeat every single time it comes up.
My kids never attended the LPS, so I can’t compare (though ours do not have a good reputation, and I doubt DS would have gotten what he needed); nor did we look into BS so that DS would have a better shot at an Ivy or other prestigious college (which I think some people assume is the case). He is definitely not Ivy- (or probably even little-Ivy) bound. But I like to think of these high school years not only as a run-up to college and preparation for something else but as just a really important time in his life and his education. We are fortunate that he can go to an amazing school and have an amazing experience, and I do not feel like I have to apologize or feel self-conscious about giving my kids both what they need in their education and the best experience they can have for high school. Some people will be negative no matter what, but everyone is on his or her own path.
Attending boarding school is not unheard of in our local circles, but it is pretty unusual, and I already know that I’ll get a lot of of blowback from some friends and extended family if our oldest is accepted to BS when he applies next year. And I do get it; if I hadn’t attended BS, the idea never would have been on my radar. And I only went to BS because my parents were posted to a place that didn’t have an English-speaking high school; it certainly wasn’t something they would have ever considered.
The idea of our son only being at home for one more year (he’s in 7th right now), makes me want to cry. But I had a phenomenal experience at BS, and I know this kid - he will absolutely thrive if he gets in. So I really could not care less what anyone else outside our immediate family thinks. My husband didn’t go to BS, but he had a miserable time in HS because he was bored out of his mind. He’s visited my alma mater with me several times, and is excited for the possibility for our son.
“Or suddenly excuse yourself for a trip to the ladies room, and change the subject when you return.”—-I would not suggest men do this, or you may get even more off-color remarks thrown your way!!! :))
Huh? I don’t get it.
Excuse themselves to the ladies’ room… @skieurope it’s still early—have some coffee!!!
Imagine being African-American and dealing with the judgement. My husband and I were already being judged for sending our kids to a private day school. When I mentioned we were applying to boarding schools, at some points, even family members were outwardly hostile and judgmental. One person, I refuse to speak to them anymore because they accused us of adopting a lifestyle we weren’t a part of. I told them if they took the time to do their research, they’ll see what a wonderful opportunity these kids are given. If the child wants to go, you’re not sending them away. You’re allowing them the chance to pursue something that will benefit their futures. I am willing to give up these precious years with my son for him to grow as a person. I’ll stand by that against anyone’s judgement.
I mentioned being African-American because a lot of my family and friends look at boarding school from a stereotypical lens. A place where rich people send the kids they don’t want to be bothered with. They’ve never known a single person who has attended.
We never heard any negative comments even though rare for students from our kid’s Catholic K-8 school to attend boarding school.
In our case, the graduates of the 8th grade all had to move on to a different school. Most went to one of five Catholic schools, some to other private day & a couple to public schools. During the summer between 9th & 10th grade a reunion was held at which almost every fellow graduate of the 8th grade attended as well as their parents. The difference in development over the course of one year was astonishing.
We had a pretty distinct fallout after my daughter started attending BS. We lived in a SMALL town (less than 2000) and doing anything out of the “normal” was looked down upon.
The friends she had since the age of five completely blacklisted her and wouldn’t even acknowledge her existence the summer prior to attending and then on subsequent breaks. Even when seeing her at the pool or out and about, they would literally pretend she did not exist. It got to where she hated coming home on breaks and started suffering from depression when home.
As for me, I worked for the school district at the time and things got rough there for me after. I ended up switching jobs in a town 35 miles away, but living in town became hard. The people there, people I had called friends for eleven years, wouldn’t speak to me or only had negative comments to make. It was bad enough I couldn’t go to the clinic in town because the doctor on staff was a parents of one of my daughter’s friends and she was horrible to me…down to arguing with me during an appointment where she wanted to treat my strep with amoxicillin when I’m allergic to penicillin. Her response to me was that I must know everything just like my daughter and that I must think I’m better than her medical education. It was ugly.
We ended up moving this past summer and neither of us have been this happy, safe, and comfortable in a long time!! It’s unfortunate how people treat the unknown sometimes. It’s unfortunate that people can’t just be happy for other people…especially when the outcome doesn’t even affect them!
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