Nerd Jokes

<p>An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." </p>

<p>So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. </p>

<p>One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." </p>

<p>God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." </p>

<p>Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" </p>

<p>Not too much of engineering but more toward Lawyers.</p>

<p>Public execution
Scene: public executions by guillotine </p>

<p>Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine... </p>

<p>First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardonned. </p>

<p>Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardonned. </p>

<p>Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."</p>

<p>HAPPY PI DAY! (3.14)</p>

<p>Not really a joke, but maybe a smile!</p>

<p>A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.</p>

<p>The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".</p>

<p>The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".</p>

<p>The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."</p>

<p>bump... come on people, let's hear some jokes</p>

<p>my contribution: </p>

<p>Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.</p>

<p>One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.</p>

<p>Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.</p>

<p>"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"</p>

<p>You're so imbecilic; you tried using the Pythagorean Theorem to solve an obtuse triangle!</p>

<p>for girls in engineering...
<a href="http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=8%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=8&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>lol ^ was good</p>

<p>How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.</p>

<p>How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.</p>

<p>How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"</p>

<p>How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.</p>

<p>How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.</p>

<p>How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."</p>

<p>How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.</p>

<p>How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.</p>

<p>nitrogen and oxygen were sitting in class, when the teacher asked a ques, why did nitrogen raise his hand first??</p>

<p>cos he was N2..........</p>

<p>sorry in case someone doe snto get it and itz too geeky :p</p>

<p>(entu.......... enthusiastic...... )
dunno if itz universal or singaporean to say 'entu' for someone enthusiastic...</p>

<p>^
|
It's not universal
Anyway, on with the show.</p>

<p>What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
Nothing, you can't cross a scalar.</p>

<p>integral[d(cabin)/cabin] = houseboat</p>

<p>ok so heisenberg was driving in his car when he got pulled over by a policeman. the policeman walks up to the car and asks heisenberg, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "no, but i know exactly where i am"</p>

<p>(heisenberg's uncertainty principle......)</p>

<p>deleted (post deleted)</p>

<p>A man is flying in a hot air ballon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don't know where I am."</p>

<p>The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."</p>

<p>"You must be an engineer." says the balloonist.</p>

<p>"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"</p>

<p>"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."</p>

<p>The man below says "You must be a manager."</p>

<p>"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"</p>

<p>"Well", says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault."</p>

<h2>Three professors went for a walk and they stopped near a lake. The maths professor said, "I'll find out the volume of water". He jumped into the lake and drowned. The Physics professor said, "I'll find out the density of water". He too jumped into the lake and drowned. The Chemistry professor who noticed all of this said to himself, "Both are soluble in water".</h2>

<p>Equation 1:
Study = Don't fail</p>

<p>Equation 2:
Study = Fail</p>

<p>Adding equations 1 and 2:</p>

<p>Study + Dont Study= Fail +Don't Fail </p>

<p>=> Study(1+Dont)= Fail(1 + Dont)</p>

<p>=> Study = Fail</p>

<h2>there are 10 types of people, those who understand ternary, those who dont, and those who mistake it for binary</h2>

<h2>Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive</h2>

<h2>Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF</h2>

<p>Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,</p>

<h2>And God thinks he is a Mathematician.</h2>

<p>A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."</p>

<p>The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."</p>

<p>"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.</p>

<h2>"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."</h2>

<h2>Anyone can let x=2, it takes a mathematician to say let 2=x</h2>

<p>A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.</p>

<h2>The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" T he physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"</h2>

<p>One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."</p>

<p>Nerdy pick-up lines are the best:</p>

<p>"I wish I was DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes"
"Baby, you must be auxin cuz you're giving me rapid stem elongation"
"Baby, you turn my floopy disk into a hard drive"
"YouTube Myspace and I'll Google your Yahoo"</p>

<p>Too many good ones =P</p>