<p>I'm not going to argue the law with anyone, but you can still help your child even if the school does not release information to you. They may not be able to talk to you, but they can LISTEN. They can also give you general info. </p>
<p>When my son was about to get kicked out because of low grades, I called the dean. NOT to ask the dean to intervene, but to express my concern and ask where I should point my son for help. The dean gave me several suggestions that I passed on to my son. Fortunately, the fact that he was in danger of flunking out of school had gotten his attention, and he pursued the paths suggested. None of this required that the dean or anyone at the college give me any information about my son. Had I needed to, I would have given other folks information, and asked them to please do what they could to help my son.</p>
<p>The information road may be one-way only, but that doesn't mean that it can't be used to help your child. </p>
<p>Was calling the dean helicoptering? 20/20 hindsight, with my son's graduation in sight, I think it was the 100% right call. When your kid is drowning, you throw a life-preserver or call a lifeguard. You don't shrug and say they are an "adult" and just hope they'll survive.</p>
<p>I agree, the OP's son is living in a teenaged mindset. Boys do a lot of growing up between ages 15 and 25, and this one seems to be close to the low end of the scale. MRI studies of the brain have shown that many of the managerial aspects of brain function don't come "online" until the late teens, so it may be that a year at home will make a big difference - it has both the shock value and natural maturation working in its favor.</p>
<p>Looking at his latest behavior pattern, of skipping class and schoolwork for a game tournament, I'd have to say that he is not ready to turn things around for next semester. The parents' decision has to be predicated on whether they can afford to pay the money to keep this arrangement going. If not, it's better to save the money for when he will use it effectively.</p>
<p>at<em>wits</em>end, I feel your anxiety and desire to help. Like Northstarmom, S2 and S3 both flunked out because of video/computer games. Both flunked out knowing the consequences but it is an addiction. They get drawn in and have no desire to get out. There was nothing more we could do in the end except have them face the consequences. At 25 S2 has started back at school on his own at a CC and will transfer to a 4 yr after. At 23 S3 has not gotten there yet. </p>
<p>If they are away at school you cannot do the work for them. You cannot live with them to make sure they go to bed and get up for class and do the work. You cannot unplug the computer. The best you can do is contact the Dean, Advisor and counseling center and see if they can intervene. However, not all schools will follow up if the student does not attend sessions, still fails to do the work and still stays up all night and sleeps all day. I'm sorry the news is not better. My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>We some-what agree (he will not change). Prior to the start and again after mid-terms we had financial, flunking-out, career at stake, etc discussions. During TG break we had numerous discussions ... nothing. At this point we'll wait for his final grades (perhaps we'll be pleasantly surprised ... (hope for the best expect the worst) then move with on with ultimatums and how change (live style & caring) has to come from with-in.... "nothing we can do or say well change you ... it is all up to you" type discussions. </p>
<p>We can afford (rather not however) send him w/out the scholarship and have yet to determine if all else fails, do we keep him there with the hope and anticipation he may wake up and smell the coffee. </p>
<p>He is very bright and more than capable. He ranked at the top of his HS class of 350 S. We thought this college would humble him, but he says it's "too easy" ... followed by us saying: if it's so easy, then why aren't you getting all "As"... for which he replies "just stupid mistakes", however, he still doesn't get it!</p>
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<p>if it's so easy, then why aren't you getting all "As>></p>
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<p>I hope you (and he) aren't expecting all A's. DD, who was 8th in her HS class actually has gotten a few C's in her 2 1/2 years of college. It's fine. All she has to do is pass her required courses with a C or better for her major. She was very upset when she got that first C...it was the first C she ever received in her life. BUT it was fine...it was a very difficult course and we viewed C as "completed"...not anything bad about it at all. </p>
<p>Some kids get a C+/B- average their first term. It takes some kids time to adjust to the independence of college and the expectations of their school. That is why most schools deal with the GPA for scholarships based on the whole year and not one term.</p>
<p>At this point, let it all go until the final grades come out. I would agree that those are to be shared with the parents (we didn't pay the bills until we saw the grades)...our kids were more than willing to share their grades with us...even the C's.</p>
<p>I am not an attorney, but the FERPA verbiage that oldfort posted says the schools "may" release information to parents... it doesn't say they "must" release information. It gives them permission (assumably at their discretion) not an obligation to release. This is an important distinction. Most schools probably require the student to sign a release, authorizing permission to disclose information, but in, for example, an emergency situation, the FERPA rules allow the school to disclose information to the parents.</p>
<p>How do you anticipate his being able to handle all of the tasks of a job? What are your plans for weaning him off your supervision?
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<p>We cannot foresee the future, but both of us parents are experienced professional people and obviously can anticipate a lot more than a young person. In the beginning we go through his day/lectures with him, to see if he could manage his time, prioritize properly. His working memory is severely impaired, so he has to compensate there are all these techniques we make sure he knows and is practicing them. What we did was what in effect colleges like Landmark do for their students - lots of structured support. After 2 months, he had shown so much initiative and progress that it is not necessary to be so closely involved anymore. We canceled a trip at the beginning of last semester because at one point his school career again looked precarious. We are now comfortable enough that we are planning to go away for two months early next semester. What my son is pursuing is a big reach for him. His school adviser, someone who wrote a handbook in his LDs, said in her 30 years of experience, no one with his particular LD succeeded in what he wants to do. We had tried without success to persuade him to take an easier path, so we are trying our very best to support his pursuit of his dreams. </p>
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<p>I don't see it as the parents responsibility to fund education or other economic support for an adult offspring who keeps failing in college. Our house rule is that unless our kids are in college fulltime and getting the grades that H and I require, after high school, they will be self supporting. If they live at home, they would be paying rent and for their expenses.</p>
<p>We can love our kids, but we can't force them to live the kind of lives that would save them heartbreak and stress. Sometimes, too, the longer we attempt to take charge of their lives, the longer it takes for them to develop the motivation and skills to become responsible adults.
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<p>I agree I will not fund my adult kids if they do not try to help themselves. But life is seldom so clear cut. A dear friend has a current situation where her 36 year old, college educated son moved back with her. He is addicted to video games. Quit his well paid job in CS. He has severe emotional issues. She is kicking herself that she did not step in 3 years ago when it all started. She is forcing him to see a therapist now and paying for it. </p>
<p>I am reconciled if it so happens I could be 80 years old and taking care of my children in some way. I will try to look at it that I am lucky and count my blessings that I am able to help my family, and that my children are around for me to help. </p>
<p>BTW, except for minor annoyances, both children express suitable gratitude and appreciation for what we provide. The son end all Skype msgs with " Thank you for your help, mom & dad " and take extreme care of his finances - eg. drinking from water fountains and carrying water bottles. Buying breakfast bars for lunch and calculating grams of protein and nutrients. We do not feel he is abusing the support we extend. However he was not always like this. Two years ago he was angry and sullen. Senior year in HS was horrible and I was relieved to see him to leave for college. Even this last summer he was just slumming, not working at any job and in front of his laptop all day long and sleeping in. So I guess I am saying sometimes we have to wait for them to mature and hang in there to help them.</p>
<p>I don't know if our way is the right way for anyone else, I am just sharing my experience. It sure was not easy path that much I am certain.</p>
<p>"I am reconciled if it so happens I could be 80 years old and taking care of my children in some way. I will try to look at it that I am lucky and count my blessings that I am able to help my family, and that my children are around for me to help. </p>
<p>BTW, except for minor annoyances, both children express suitable gratitude and appreciation for what we provide. The son end all Skype msgs with " Thank you for your help, mom & dad "</p>
<p>It's wonderful that your kids are appreciative of your support. I've seen situations in which adult children have responded to parents' help by demanding even more support, and trying to make parents feel guilty if they refused.</p>
<p>I saw this with my own brother who, for instance, when his car broke down when he ws in his 40s, thought it was appropriate to call our 80-year-old mom at 10 p.m. to ask her to drive across town to pick him up and take him home. The only reason she didn't do that was that my husband and I were visiting and we insisted on giving my brother the ride.</p>
<p>My brother was very disorganized and irresponsible with his life, and Mom kept vainly trying to save him until the day she died. His situation was very sad, but it wasn't her fault, and she couldn't help him out of it no matter how much she tried.</p>
<p>^Northstarmom, that was a sad situation with your brother. Hopefully mine and at<em>wits</em>end's won't turn out that way. I do not detect any entitlement right now. This Xmas D really wanted to visit LA & LV for a week. Her dad worked out an estimate and showed her how it is too much. It was sad to see the disappointment on her sweet face but she didn't say anything. She is going to be disappointed again when her dad put his foot down on an foreign language course in Spain next summer too. Sigh.</p>
<p>Okay - so he's a good kid whoworked hard in high school. He's no dummy and has great potential. He is definately dropping the ball at school although continues to say he wants to stay there and he will get it together. But, the more he promises to perform - the worse it gets. (Not just the grades but his attendance too! I mean how do you forget to wake up and run to class to drop off the final project?) That being said - this is the dilema:</p>
<p>If after exams (this week) his grades aren't good and he is at RISK of losing his scholarship - do we let him return next semester and see if he can save his butt and future? Do we talk to university staff and work something out? Find the support staff on campus that may help? One of us says no - he won't change - why spend the money? Bring him home, save some money and send him to school here. One of us says - He has such a fantastic opportunity for a promising future where he is, he likes it there and the scholarship isn't gone YET - don't we all deserve a second chance? What do you think?</p>
<p>" Bring him home, save some money and send him to school here. "</p>
<p>I don't see how that would help things if his average is below what would be expected, he's lying to you, and he's so irresponsible that he doesn't get up to turn in his homework.</p>
<p>I don't think that going to college at home would be the solution. Even if he lives with you, you still won't be able to force him to be responsible about his school work. It sounds like he's too immature, disorganized or unmotivated for college right now. </p>
<p>I don't suggest funding his education even at home until he proves to education to you his commitment to education by getting acceptable grades on his own dime for at least as much time as he didn't get acceptable grades. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, he could come home and work full time while paying rent or move out while supporting himself or living with friends who will allow him to flop at their place without paying rent (those situations tend not to last that long).</p>
<p>I think that you should follow through on your threats to bring him home if his grades weren't acceptable this semester. Doing otherwise is allowing him to continue to be irresponsible and to ignore your warnings. It's not your fault that he may have messed up his fantastic college option.</p>
<p>I feel for you and obviously each of our children "need" different types and levels of parental support, so there is no judgment here. I do think that our expectations influence our kids...I expected my kids to simply do their homework, and ask for help when needed, and they did. I expected them to wake up to their own alarm clock, (mot my begging them to get out of bed and please go to school. Over the years many of my kids' friends' parents would call to say how "hard" the homework was that evening, what a battle it was getting their kids off to school. I am a nurturing and supportive mom, but I am a firm believer that our children must own their own motivation, and goals. If we continue to supply the motivation it really isn't there. Not all kids are as self directed and therefore need more prodding...but if our college students need our daily monitoring and intervening I would openly tell them they don't seem ready to be where they are. No shame, but acknowledgment of a problem and suggestions for solutions as other parents have said. This is the beginning of their adult lives, it is important they get that their actions take them where they will go.</p>
<p>We agree we need to stand our ground but we never gave him a specific semester GPA guideline. We only told him if he loses his scholarship - he is done. His scholarship works on an annual basis - so again, if he can pull it out next semester, doesn't he deserve the chance to change?</p>
<p>You can't force him to change, but you can encourage him to change by holding him accountable for the consequences of his actions. Consequently, if you told him that he'd need to maintain a "B" average this semester in order to continue in college, you need to follow through and remove him from that college if he doesn't get the grades that you required.</p>
<p>You could choose to have his second chance be allowing him to go to college in your hometown on your dime or you could allow him to go to college in your town if he also helped pay for that education or you could set other requirements in order for him to earn the privilege of attending college on your dime.</p>
<p>As long as what he's doing is working for him, he has no reason to change. If you let him get away with lying to you and getting poor grades why should he change his behavior? Why should he even think that the college will take away his scholarship if he has poor grades at the end of the school year? After all, if you go back on your word, he may expect that the college, too, wouldn't follow through on its policies.</p>
<p>You may not need to give him a specific GPA requirement. The school may very well put him on academic probation if his grades are VERY low. </p>
<p>Is his scholarship paying ALL of his costs? I don't think so. That being the case, whether he loses the scholarship or not, you parents are going have the potential to lose quite a bit of money by continuing to finance his college costs after this semester...if his grades really tank.</p>
<p>To be honest...I would not spend the money if my kid was on academic probation. I would tell them that I was done paying until they figured out how to manage college better. </p>
<p>Just FYI...a family member of ours was on academic probation after one term. Parents let him return for the second semester (Ivy league school). Student was asked to leave after the second semester. Student went to a community college and reenrolled at the Ivy after one year of successful community college work. AND flunked out a second time at the Ivy. The same old habits just came back. Student later reflected that the biggest mistake he made was NOT finishing the two year degree at the CC and transferring to a state university. This particular student then worked for a number of years, and then enrolled as a non-traditional student and did complete his degree. But by that time it was on HIS dime. His parents paid quite a lot of money for precious few transferable credits at that Ivy League school.</p>
<p>Think it through...you have to figure out what will work best for your child...and everyone's kids are different. But are you throwing good money after bad??</p>
<p>I work in the mental health field so I tend to see this problem as one that is larger than academics and money. Talk to your son and openly express your concern and urge him to seek academic and emotional support to improve his situation (if he's addicted to video games or something else). Young men sometimes manifest depression by isolating socially, being unable to focus and manage their responsibilities. Once you let him know your concerns and expectations its really up to him, but at least he will know you are there for him but he needs to step up to the plate. otherwise you might just be "waiting" til next semester and as others have expressed it could really get worse. If he is coming home for the holidays you can see how he functions and have an honest dialogue.</p>
<p>It's awful that you're accessing his email. It's like digging through his mail (which would be illegal). Disregarding any legal aspect of this, don't you see a problem with looking through his email in the first place?</p>