new here and new to forums

Parents Forum
61

<p>Of course our goal is to keep him in school and for him to complete his college education. I know tough love can be effective but it also can be somewhat dangerous. It can seriously backfire as well. </p>

<p>As we never thought this would be an issue therefore, we never gave him a semester GPA so how can we stand behind a threat of "if you lose you scholarship - you're done"? He hasn't lost it yet.</p>

<p>It has been suggested we bring him home and tell him to pay for his education. Since his scholarship isn't a full ride - can't the same approach work where he currently is? Why does he need to come home to do this? He says he really wants to stay there. He loves it there. So, if that's really what he wants, why not hold him financially responsible there? Wouldn't it be more effective to hold him financially responsible for something he really wants? </p>

<p>As for the IVY league student who continued to fail. We don't ?think? his grades are probabtionary bad - just scholarship bad. But I still have to ask if this young person hadn't been given at least one more semester to pull it together - wouldn't they all wonder "what if he'd pulled it together"? Hmmm!</p>

62

<p>"So, if that's really what he wants, why not hold him financially responsible there? Wouldn't it be more effective to hold him financially responsible for something he really wants? "</p>

<p>That sounds like a good option. It makes lots of sense, too. You also could offer to reimburse him if his second semester grades are acceptable. This policy of --pulling your financial support if his grades aren't up to your standards -- could continue through college.</p>

<p>I do think that you should stop reading his e-mail. It's just making you crazy as you have no control over his day to day behavior anyway, and I think it's a big violation of his trust and will come back to bite you when he finds out.</p>

<p>For all any of us know, he will pull through this semester with grades that are acceptable by your standards. Lots of students do dumb things during the semester then buckle down at semester's end and do excellently on their term papers and finals.</p>

63

<p>at wits end---it seems you want to fix his situation for him. and sometimes parents need to do that til they see their college student must own the fix. I actually have suggested something very different than tough love. treating your adult son with respect and honesty and addressing this problem he has and holding him responsible for fixing things. you keep saying maybe next semester will be better, (and maybe it will be) but unless he has the ability to just stop what he's doing, you may be setting yourself and your son up for more of the same. good luck.</p>

64

<br>


<br>

<p>He WAS given extra time. He flunked out TWICE...not once but TWICE. His demonstrated twice that he was not going to be successful at the Ivy despite extensive efforts by the school to support his academic issues. The school severed their relationship with him, and his parents told him to get a job. Later on as a self supporting non-traditional student, he DID succeed. I should add...he has no regrets.</p>

65

<p>OP - I would have been on him from the beginning. I am not much of hands off mom. With my kids trust is earned. My daughter as a sophmore still has a habit of calling me up to let me know her grades, good or bad. I would have known if my kid's grades were going south before midterm, and I would have forewarned her about getting acceptable grades or else.</p>

<p>That being said, since you haven't had any discussion about what's acceptable to you, it is hard for you to not allow him to return if his first semester grades are not acceptable. The only discussion you've had is his scholarship. I would opt to have a very serious discussion with him over the winter break, let him return to his school, but follow through if he doesn't keep his scholarship. The leverage you have now is he really wants to go back to his school. He may shape up if he knew you were serious about not letting him go back next year if he couldn't keep his scholarship.</p>

<p>I agree with many parents that he needs to want to do it. There isn't enough supervision to make him go to classes or study. The only thing you could do is to try to inspire him to do it. I wish you luck.</p>

66

<p>Hi parents, sorry for hijacking this thread, but I just browsed through these posts and it seems like it's the boys who are struggling through college because they lack guidance and motivation. Some develop an addiction and don't seek help for it (again, girls are more likely to seek counseling than boys). Has this trend been researched? Do high schools/colleges need to do more to prepare teen boys for college, especially once they are on their own as adults?</p>

67

<p>Yes, males are far more likely to not finish h.s. or college than are females.</p>

<p>"COLUMBUS , Ohio –- Girls have long gotten better grades than boys in all levels of school. But while at one time few women used those academic skills to get degrees, new research suggests that growing incentives are helping draw women to college in record numbers.</p>

<p>Claudia Buchmann
That helps explain why, since 1982, women have outpaced men in college graduation rates. In 2004, women received 58 percent of all bachelor's degrees in the United States, compared to only 35 percent in 1960.</p>

<p>“What has changed is that more women are now using their longstanding academic advantages and translating them into college degrees,” said Claudia Buchmann, co-author of the studies and associate professor of sociology at Ohio State University.</p>

<p>“In the 1960s and 70s, girls were getting better grades, but many young women were not going to college, or they were dropping out of college to get married. Now the benefits of a college education are growing faster for women than they are for men, and women are taking advantage.”
Better</a> Grades And Greater Incentives Help Explain Why Women Outpace Men In College Degrees</p>

68

<p>Op when i read your opening entry I thought, "Is that me?' Then I realized your S is a freshman and mine is a senior.</p>

<p>In a nut shell, my S started to have some problems 2nd semester jr. yr. He was depressed. We got him into counseling. He spent the summer at a job not at home and thrived. Next semester, senior year, we (h and I ), get a call from the school informing us he is not attending class or handing in work and he is so far behind it is unlikely he can pull himself out.</p>

<p>So we withdraw him on a medical leave. At this point he has been continually seeing a professional. In the S '08, he enrolls as a full time student at our local state college. It is basically paid for w/ his scholarships. At the same time, he is also working over 20 hours a week. </p>

<p>He achieved all A's. The school does not give A+. He took upper level difficult courses, not freshman courses. All the courses were pre-approved for transfer back to his school. (An elite LAC) </p>

<p>F "08, he goes back to his school. All seems well until the dreaded call. He is not attending class or handing in work.</p>

<p>My H and I have been babysitting him for several months. He MUST complete his senior thesis in physics in residence. We have already withdrawn him from one class, so he will not graduate. His school still allows another class to be transferred in.</p>

<p>It has been the worst experience of my (our) life. Why don't we let him fail at this point? Because he was 98 percentile (99 ny) for math sat? Because now it is a matter of days/ hours. A month ago it was a matter of months. We have invested so much money,and he so much time NOT to get a degree from this school.</p>

<p>If I knew what I know now (ie as a freashman parent), I would pull him out and send him to a state school. If he couldn't handle it there, let him grow up and figure out what he wants.</p>

<p>I must say, I do not know if our sons problems are mental health or video game addiction or maturity I think all are possible. By next Friday,our end is the end.</p>

69

<p>You've been given some good ideas here; I particularly like lindz126's suggestions. You cannot fix this for your son, you cannot make him change his behavior. You can begin by having an honest dialogue with him where you express your concerns. In the spirit of honesty you could tell him that you have been reading his mail. </p>

<p>I do not think that it is appropriate to be reading your son's email - for any reason. He's way too old for that. You appear to be trying to shelter him from the consequences of his own decisions. That might feel like kindness to you, but in the long run it is the most unkind thing to do if you want to raise a functional adult.</p>

70

<p>OP-morrismom brings up a good point. I have PMed you with some examples of kids who ran into serious issues necessitating family intervention.</p>

<p>One kid did their crash and burn in that last slide toward graduation, when a kid is almost there it is a different intervention than a freshman. If you are near the end an blow it, you also cannot go prove yourself elsewhere and go back to school #1 and finish.</p>

<p>If you pull your son out you need to set up some specific standards to be met before returning- you might talk with his major advisor and learn whether he will be better off long term to be pulled out now or after a dismal spring. There ought to be some one in the department who has worked there for years and who has seen it and and that person may be able to give you the best advice of all.</p>

71

<p>One thing we all haven't heard is just how "low" this student's grade might be. In one post the OP mentioned that he/she asked her son "then why aren't you getting all A's". That is not always a reasonable expectation for freshmen.</p>

<p>If this student's GPA is a 2.9 and it takes a 3.0 to keep the scholarship, that is very different than if the GPA is a 1.5.</p>

<p>A 2.9 is a respectable college GPA even IF it doesn't keep the scholarship. </p>

<p>I would like to know from the OP what the "expected" GPA is? Does it seem likely that it will be below a 2.0...or is it below a 3.0...or what?</p>

<p>Also...failing courses (to me) is different than getting a C in courses. C is average...and depending on the school that might be an AVERAGE grade. Students earning B or A at some schools really DO have to show above average skills...and initiative.</p>

<p>So...OP...what is it?</p>

72

<p>I agree, thumper1. I never told my parents about my grades (I knew to do well, but they didn't expect me to get all As. They didn't have unrealistic expectations.) I got my As and Bs and occasional Cs in very difficult courses (bummer, but there were more important things in life like working part-time, getting my degree and having fun in school.) I ended up graduating with a B+ overall GPA. Still very respectable.</p>

73

<p>Thumper1 - good points. My best friend from high school went to UCLA as an Engineering major - and his parents were in shock when he got 4 B's and a C on his report card. He had been a 4.0 in high school.</p>

<p>Given that UCLA Engineering was famous for flunking out 50% of the freshman, it was a good performance. Had his scholarships required 3.0s he would have been in danger of losing them with a repeat performance in the spring semester. </p>

<p>Much of what I would advise depends upon how bad things really are - and how high the standard is for retaining the scholarship.</p>

74

<p>Another thought on that GPA, is this a kid likely to go to grad school? The bigger GPA hole he digs for himself before 'growing up' the harder and longer he will have to work thereafter to improve his GPA. 2.9 may be respectable, but not for grad school.</p>