New to CC, please critique my first paragraph of my UC statement prompt 1

College Essays
1

<p>I finally got on here to try and ask for some feedback. Only on the first paragraph describing my school. </p>

<pre><code> The girl in French class always.comes to me saying she is a failure. The.boy.in English class says he is dropping out because he is worthless. They tell me they do not matter. Since my peers grew up without a steady home, they feel they have no reason to try. " Every day is a nightmare "they say.
</code></pre>

<p>"Nobody cares what I accomplish" they whisper to me. No high level figures ever take the time to tell them they are wrong.
My school is disregarded.</p>

<p>This is what aspires me to help it.</p>

<p>Sound ok? If so how can I eloborate on it? If not, what is wrong with it? I know it sounds a little common or off, but honestly this is really what my school is like. I am the motivational figure that gets them on track.
I want to be an executive creative director of a concept, so I will add that in as well, relating it to my school.</p>

<p>Thanks for helping a newbie.</p>

2

<p>Oh by the way the last sentence is.actually a part of the paragraph. I am.trying to show the reason I started helping students
Ignore the unnecessary periods please.</p>

3

<p>terrible. you are wasting time describing other people. You could sum it up in one sentence. “The people at my school have no dreams.” Then go straight into you and what your dreams are.</p>

4

<p>^ Will you read my personal statement? It is a different topic, about me.</p>