<p>Hi, I'm new to this site and wasn't sure if this was where to post questions and ask for some well needed advice. I'll try to keep it short, by saying I am completely lost. I'm on my first year, second semester of UAA, and I am miserable to say the least. It was going quite well in the beginning of 2011, but I've just collided with a massive wave of ****. I just have no idea what to do in my life, and I know this is a common theme in college but I feel as if it's overpowering me in every aspect of my life. I live at the dorms, and although home is only an hour away I feel constricted. You see the real problem stems from me not attending the school i intended to study at in the first place. I applied too late fall 2010 and recently applied again very early this time, only to be told since two of my grades last semester weren't so good (a D and F, but three A's in the others) they needed some sort of new transcript of my current year. This makes no sense, because I have no final grades for my current classes. After talking to them, they said if i would ask my teachers to send them some sort of letter or email giving them a brief outline of how I'm fairing it would count as something. I guess I have no problem doing this, but I feel like because of those two grades I'm going to have to wait an entire semester before attending the school i have my heart and soul into going.</p>
<p>The school i'm wishing to get into is also out of state. At the beginning of this month my friend who lives there told me we should get a place of our own this summer because neither one of us wants to be on campus, i told my parents of this and they agreed to help me with rent until i could pay for it on my own. (although i feel guilty enough as it is with them helping my way through college at the moment) Today however my friend informs me she wants to come home this summer (to my area) and won't be going back until September, which completely screws me over with the whole idea of moving in the summer and really starting over. And as stupid as this is going to sound I also have a guy I'm currently involved with that lives in the area. When i say involved with, it really means we were together for a while, but with the distance we both have found it too hard to keep it as strong as we like. </p>
<p>So of COURSE being the 19 year old girl I am, I want so badly to move as quickly as I can so our relationship won't hit the fan and be completely destroyed before we were even able to make it stronger. So five thousand thoughts rush through my mind. Do I move before my friend? Into a brand new town where I know ONE person and wait for a few months before she returns? I know it sounds stupid but I'm on the edge right now. My classes, this campus, the god awful weather in Alaska is driving me over. I don't sleep. I cry and scream into my mattress for hours when I get out of class. I skip meals, I hurt myself and I'm frequently thinking of suicide. Im hurting inside and yet i can't place t the exact reasons and I cant stop. Am i stressed because of the harshness of my classes this semester? Is my lack of not a single friend in my life making me crazy? Is it the long, frigid, and tired months of Alaska's winter? Am I so heartsick over one guy that I can't function? Im just seamless and feel like im spilling out all over the place. I want to be close to my parents and siblings and yet I want to be independent. I'll never be independent until Im out of school and then some because of college fees. I want to earn a degree and go into the field of editing and yet I want to be a freelance writer or librarian. I want to try to maintain my relationship with him and yet I feel like it's not fair for either one of us to try and pretend we have something when we don't. And also my twisted idea of moving closer to someone I may not be involved with in the future scares me and makes me feel helpless. Im sorry this is such a long post but I literally have no one to vent to about these troubles and my future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>I think first off, you should probably see a counselor: contemplating suicide isn’t healthy.</p>
<p>Second of all, you said you want to want to stay at home, but you also want to go out and be independent. Why don’t you spend the summer at home, then move to the new place with your friend? As for the boyfriend, forget about it. If you guys stay together, you stay together. If you don’t, you don’t. You also implied that you “don’t have something”, so why even stay together?</p>
<p>Just my 0.02:)</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the reply. I have been thinking of going to therapy again just to have that safe place to vent, cry, and try to figure out what’s right.
It’s a good bit of advice to move back home this summer, but i find the thought of it exasperating. And I know it’s foolish to shape my life at this moment around a man but it’s hard not to when you know you can make each other so happy.
Thanks (:</p>
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<p>yea…only having that long-distance relationship with your boyfriend does not seem to be working well for you. If you at least had friends (real friends) where you are now, I don’t think you would be so vulnerable, so dependent on getting this one thing to work out with this guy, and then also at the same time still being fearful of it potentially failing, after putting so much effort towards it, and so on. </p>
<p>The hard thing though is it’s hard to strive towards both - to maintain the long distance relationship while investing yourself in the things around you (classes, other students ,etc). Especially because it could turn out you end up moving and leaving all of it.</p>
<p>This seems to be a great example of how exactly long-distance relationships can be so troubling, and tormenting and confusing to those in them. The fragmented communication…the wonderings of if the other person is feeling the same way as you (if they have the same feelings for you), etc, etc.</p>
<p>It’s probably in your best interest to work with someone or by yourself (if you can) to improve the situation you are currently in. Because you are really not doing so well, and your faith in the outcomes of the future has been somewhat diminished (due to your friend informing you she’s coming home for the summer). Because now you are probably thinking about how all the other things that you thought would happen, might not actually happen, and how scary that all is, etc, and the world and future you envisioned is seeming even more quixotic, etc. So your ability to find solace in thinking of the future’s been irreversibly reduced, probably. Which is why it’s even more important to make changes in the present, if you hope to feel better.</p>
<p>You pretty much summed up my entire attitude towards life at the moment. I am facing a lot of mental stress now that I know of my friends sudden change in our plans. I can’t help but feel beyond *<strong><em>ed at her for building me up for some real good change of time, atmosphere and life and then smashing it into oblivion. I think that’s natural, but I also realize I need to stop relying on others to make me happy, which is one of my biggest faults. I just cling so much to the ideas of love, and the happiness it brings to the ones involved and it’s so hard to take a step back from my heart that I often let guide me through rough times. The only thing is, if you find love I feel like you should do everything in your power for it. I should make the move and spend the time, money, stress, etc… it takes to make it work because other *</em></strong> will always come and go in my life, but love for another person you really feel belonging and understanding with could stay. Whether you stay together or not. I guess I’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic looking at that sugary pink mucus i typed out but I cant help it. Im going to think about what you said though. I need to sit down with myself and my family and really discuss what the future will hold and what it can. I know it means more playing the dreaded waiting game with hearing back from my college, and less heart palpitations.
Thank you! (:</p>