HI Moms,
My son rushed a fraternity last week and was the only one of his friends to NOT get a BID. I am so sad for him. He is in his dorm basically hanging out by himself while his friends are running around pledging and hanging out in the fraternity houses. He doesn’t want to talk about it and says that he is “fine”. Anyone have any experience with this? He is crushed which makes me so sad!
What percentage of male students at his college join fraternities?
Back in the day I was the girl that rushed and had no bids. It was heartbreaking. I was lucky and met my now husband about a month later in a Chemistry lab. We both joined a coed service fraternity and had a blast. Ask him if his campus has ATO. It was a lot of fun, we had lots of friends and did tons of community service. No wild parties but occasionally dh’s roommate invited us to his frat’s parties. It isn’t fun but he needs to look for other things to do. Plus if he gets to know some of the guys really well they may ask him to join next semester (depending on your school’s rules).
Story, ds goes to a college where frats do not rush. In Feb they invite high school students in state, and accepted students from OOS to come meet the fraternities. There are more parties in the summer the individual fraternities will invite students they are interested in, or students that are interested in them. Then they will send out offer letters. S17 was not interested and too busy to make it to those events. He was OOS. He got to campus, moved into a dorm and just started meeting people. He found a gf who was in a sorority. She introduced him to people and within 3 weeks some guys asked him to pledge the beginning of the next semester. They even bought out his housing contract. Now a year later he was just elected President of the fairly large fraternity.
Moral to the story. Not getting in at first isn’t the end. There is another semester or other things to get involved in. BUT, it does hurt.
My younger son rushed a Fraternity during Fall and Spring Semester Freshman year. No bids although both his roommates did get in. Yes, it was hard on him but he tried again Sophomore year and was finally given a bid. He ended pledging to a much better fraternity than the original one he rushed as a Freshman.
I agree, he needs to find other things to be involved in and he could try again next year.
1 Like
I am sure this is difficult for you and him. I had a daughter who rushed and she did not get a bid either. There were a lot of tears and a bit of feeling sorry for herself but then she decided she needed to get involved with other girls in the dorm as well as other activities on campus. She ended up with some great friends and in the end realized being in a sorority was not going to make or break her college experience or define her as a person. I am sure he will be able to find some other guys to hang with, but it is definitely hard to watch your child not get a bid.
I do agree that it will work out either next year or hopefully he will get involved in other activities and meet some other good friends. Just wanted to say I’m empathizing with you, because I know that is very painful as a mom to see your kid hurting, especially for moms of boys who often won’t talk about what they are feeling. My D had a very rough first semester last year (no Greek system at her college) and it was so stressful as a parent to know how unhappy she was, even if I knew it was normal for her to go through some bit of misery and that it would get better. And it did!
As others have said, there is always next time. Make sure he still keeps up with those friends. They will be able to help during the next rush period. Good luck.
Sorry, that’s rough. And it’s one (of several) reasons I don’t like frats or schools with frat-dominated social scenes: Having to audition to make friends and being tied to those friends for years isn’t my idea of friendship. I hope your son finds a social group that values him and suits him!
1 Like
oh my gosh, I felt sadness for him just reading your post. I didn’t know that “no bid” was an option and it makes me dislike fraternities even more than I already did. At USC, I know the girls that rush are guaranteed a house now, and that is good change they made, not sure about the fraternities.
So he either tries again next year or files it in the “it’s meant to be” folder. At some point, he will meet someone special or have some amazing opportunity because he is not in a fraternity - he just doesn’t know what it is yet, but it will come…wait for it.
My d is rushing this week. A surprise to both of us as she never had any interest. We talked a bit about the possibility of not getting a bid. She has a really good head on her shoulders and is going into this with her eyes wide open, but I know it’ll hurt us both a bit if she doesn’t get one. Funny thing is, she’s not even sure she wants to be in a sorority. But they’ve told her it’s better to do it and turn it down than to have regrets so…
“At USC, I know the girls that rush are guaranteed a house now”
They are only guaranteed a bid if they keep getting invited back through the preference round, and then list all their options after pref. If no houses ask them back, then they don’t go back. It’s rare, but it happens. This is true at virtually every campus around the country now.
I’m sorry. it does hurt.
It’s so hard on kids. Keep letting him know he’s worthy; this doesn’t define him, and he’ll meet his tribe and people down the line. clubs, jobs, sports, dorm activities, – he’ll meet people. and in a few years - all of his friends will have outgrown frats anyways.
My kid was one of the last kids let in a frat during summer rush; he was feeling pretty awful the few weeks before he got a bid. Now that he’s in the frat, he realizes its not really nirvana, there’s still cliques, Its not necessarily a real “brotherhood” and he’s not even sure his younger brother should join one. It’ll pass, but for awhile it’ll be hard on him. again, sorry.
Usually sorority and fraternity rush are different. Sorority rush tends to be more structured. Fraternity rush less so. In some respects fraternity is harder because you may not visit every chapter. You may think ABC and focus on them, but your better fit is with EFG which you didn’t consider. Bottom line if you keep an open mind and do your homework you’ll find your fit.
So sorry to hear this. I hate these stories. My D rushed last year and it wasn’t a great experience. Some of her friends did not get bids and they planned to rush again this year. But when the time came they decided not to.They found they were too busy, were happy without it, and had enough other friends. I told my D throughout the process that it was a win either way - if she got in she would experience a new thing and meet new people, and if it didn’t work out, she would have that much more time to dedicate to studying and her other interests.
Thanks everyone for your replies. In my head I know that it will all work out and “everything happens for a reason”. In my heart I am aching seeing him so sad. Unfortunately, this was very important to him. He has been talking about rushing since he got accepted and even planned his spring semester around pledging. (His school only allows freshman to rush in the spring). He has always made friends easily and has always been right in the middle of the social scene-- so this was surprising . My husband and I both were not involved in frats/sororities so just told him to “be himself”. Wondering if we should have given him a bit more guidance… seems like it is a process that needs some strategy. He had an upperclassman from his high school lead him to believe he was “IN”… but that was not the case…
1 Like
I’m so sorry. I hate when things like this happen.
Fraternities are a blight on the college landscape, one of the reasons being what happened to your son.
I was in a fraternity way back when and there is no question that they have their positives and negatives. On the positive side, to this day, some of my best friends in the world are they guys I pledged with over 30 years ago. As for the negatives, what happened to OP’s son is definitely one of them. The selective bid process splits up friendships that were forged first semester of Freshman year and leaves some kids on the outside, looking in. I know that for my own son, who is very smart but a bit socially awkward, we would never consider a Greek heavy school precisely for this reason. OP, I’m sorry for what you and your son are going through. Only thing for your son to do now is look to make some new friends outside the Greek system. He is not the only one who didn’t get a bid. Also, the enthusiasm for frats tends to wear off after a year or so he may well reconnect with his frat friends in time.
I’m sorry for you and your son. Not a “greek” mom here but I would imagine it’s the same as not getting chosen for a sports team or school show, etc… The pain is real and it sucks to see our kids unhappy. He’ll find his way though! Hugs to you both!
Ugh, that’s tough. Same thing happened to S17’s good friend. He talked about pledging in high school! Then didn’t get a bid, while the other boy who was from our high school did. He ended up waiting the extra semester, and now he’s in.
On the other hand, my son got a bid and turned it down. A few of the boys in his suite ended up pledging, but most quit because they started failing their classes. They were pulled out of the room at midnight, locked in the basement 1/2 the night, missed most of their early classes because they were exhausted etc… Maybe it ends up being a blessing! I know it’s tough now, but he’ll find something else to occupy his time. Maybe a club sport or intermurals?