Not Enjoying College

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hello all,</p>

<p>I am a freshman finishing up my first term in college this week. I am attending a fairly top tier college, one that many would consider a dream school. It's a step down from Ivy League level, but is nevertheless a fantastic school and considered to be a great balance of academics, sports, social life, location, etc. So when I got accepted, I was very excited, and couldn't wait to start the new chapter of my life. </p>

<p>However, during the summer, I started to feel very apprehensive of college and dreaded having to leave home. That sinking feeling of dread only worsened as I got closer and closer to leaving, and when I finally moved in, I spent the first week or two feeling absolutely horrible. I'm thankfully no longer feeling sad 24/7, but I'm still not enjoying myself. </p>

<p>My biggest problem is that I don't really have any friends. During the early weeks, I tried as hard as I could to be outgoing and make friends, but I was unsuccessful. The school definitely has an active party culture, and I'm not into that. I'm very introverted and want to have a friend group like I did in high school where we could talk and laugh for hours, have a Harry Potter marathon, go out to eat together, or other things of that sort. Yet it seems like everyone here defines fun as getting wasted. I'm not personally against drinking but it's just not for me. I'd like to find other people who feel the same way, but I'm not succeeding. The few people I have met that I've felt like I might want to be friends with never turned into anything. So I'm basically eating every meal alone, always walking to class alone, and spending most of my free time in my dorm room. I've tried out clubs but only one was what I wanted and even that hasn't led to friendships outside of the club, but rather just something to do once a week.</p>

<p>The next problem has to do with the dorm room. I live in a triple room, and we share a bathroom with another 3 people next door. All 5 of them became best friends right away and exclude me from everything. They will often be in our room and doing things like Secret Santa gift exchanges, ordering food, etc, and not seem to care that I'm right there and was never asked if I wanted to take part. They are heavy partiers and are often come into the room drunk and loud when I'm trying to sleep. Even when they are sober, they are super loud and annoying (they will have phone calls in the room, listen to their music on full blast even if I'm trying to work, gossip about hot guys they want to make out with, etc). So I don't feel like I can really get any privacy in my dorm room because chances are high that at least one of my roommates will be there, and I feel kind of uncomfortable around them because I can tell that they don't like me, and I don't know why. I hope to get a single room next year, but I'm not sure I'll be able to as they are limited. </p>

<p>I don't even know what I want to do for a career. I'm a Biology major but I know being a doctor isn't my calling, and I don't know if I want to go to Grad school based on how this transition into college has gone. I might be better off just entering the work field after college, but I don't know what jobs I'll even be able to get. So unlike in high school when I was always working towards getting into college, I don't even know what I'm working towards and feel much less motivated. </p>

<p>My classes have been pretty good - I actually kind of enjoy going to class and even studying because it keeps my mind off the fact that I don't have much of a life.. I don't have my grades yet and still have another final to take, but I'm expecting all A's this quarter and maybe even some A+'s, which I'm happy about. </p>

<p>I guess my biggest regret is that I chose a college away from home. Even though I'm only 2 hours away, I don't have a car with me and it's just not easy for me to get home. I went home for Thanksgiving and it was amazing, but then coming back was very difficult. I'm going home in a few days for winter break and am beyond excited, but I'm already dreading having to come back again. Thinking about doing two more quarters before summer break sounds horrible to me, so I'm having a hard time feeling happy about the break. I don't know why I'm so homesick. In High school I was never super close to my parents yet now all I want is to be able to see them. I'm wishing that I chose to go to the well-ranked college (not as good as the one I'm at, but still very good) in my city that I got accepted to and could commute to, or at least go home whenever I wanted to see a friendly face, but it's too late now, and I'm going to have to stick with my choice. </p>

<p>Sorry that this post was so massive. I guess I needed to vent but I'm also wondering if anyone out there had a similar experience their freshman year but managed to turn things around. How did you do it? Do you have any advice? Thanks so much for any help you can give me. I just want to go back to the high school which I enjoyed so much, and I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to look back on college with the same fondness, but right now it's not looking like that will be the case.. </p>

2

<p>I think you’re overwhelming yourself with a lot of thoughts at once - you have had some negative experiences and they are snowballing into one big lump of despair. Take things one step at a time.</p>

<p>At a school where partying seems to be the main focus, it can take a bit longer for an introverted non-partier to find their niche or collective. I know it probably seems like everyone has already made rock-solid friendship group, but really, you have only been there for three and a half months. Trust me, not everyone has made a rock-solid group - and you can still find entree into already existing groups, plus finding ones of your own.</p>

<p>When you say that the people you met haven’t turned into anything, why haven’t they? I remember my freshman year in college. After watching so many shows and movies about college, I expected friendships to simply materialize, because they seemed so easy - a group of people who live in proximity to each other just magically share tons of interests and become lifelong friends! But nah, it doesn’t really work out that way. Friendship takes some work, especially on the front end, and somebody has to do the work to make the proximity happen often enough that the friendship grows. So is it that you guys meet once and then never get back together? You might have to take the step to invite people to do stuff, even if it’s just “I’m grabbing lunch now, want to meet in the caf in 15?” You say you’ve tried out clubs, but it hasn’t yet led to friendships outside the club. Give it some time. Again…it’s only been 3.5 months.</p>

<p>As for your roommates…it seems like the problem there is quite nebulous. You just feel left out of their friend group and sense they don’t like you. It could very well be that they don’t, and there’s nothing that you can do about that - but reflect on it a little. Do you think they really don’t like you, or are you feeling so down and out that you are projecting that onto them? What happens when you try to get involved in what they do? Is one of your roommates more amenable to chatting with you than the other, and can you get him/her alone? But even if they don’t, I know that kind of sucks, but you don’t have to be friends with your roommate(s). They’re just people you have to coexist with. Triples do suck because privacy is scarce, but that’s to be expected when you share…unfortunately. A double next year with someone new might be a good source, though - I do know some folks from undergrad who became friends with randomly paired sophomore year roommates!</p>

<p>If you’re still a freshman, though, don’t worry about the career so much - in the sense that you don’t need to fret about the fact that you don’t know yet. That’s quite common. I have a PhD and am working as a postdoc and <em>I’m</em> not entirely sure what I want to do for a career! (Although I’m closer!) In fact, part of your job in college is to find out what you like to do and figure out some potential career paths. You know you don’t want to be a doctor - that’s good. What things HAVE you thought about? Visit your career center. Most career centers would welcome visits from freshman trying to figure out their interests and goals, and they can help you write those down and puzzle through them. As you take more classes, you might find a deep abiding interest in something - the idea of combining computer science and biology into bioinformatics, or using biology to track disease spread as an epidemiologist, or switching tacks altogether and going into marketing research for a pharmaceutical company. Who knows? You are working towards something - working towards defining your own interests and figuring out what kind of tasks you enjoy (and don’t). Let that be your motivation. </p>

<p>I think it’s quite common to not realize what you had until you are gone - for teenagers to want to get away from their parents so badly only to really miss them when they move away. For 17-19 years you lived at home with your parents there every single day of your life and now, suddenly, you are away from them! That can be hard for a LOT of freshman, and you aren’t alone. It’s a transition, and only time makes it easier.</p>

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<p>Why do I have the feeling we go to a same college? You go to a UC right? I can be your friend! I’m a freshmen too prebio major here. I felt the same way as you when I got here but what I did was I just approached them. My friends right now that I hang out, I met them while I was walking by myself and I just straight up asked them if I can eat with them later or hang out with them. Theyre my really close friends here now I hang out with them everyday. Dont lose hope things will get better. </p>

4

<p>Thinking of you – this is a tough transition. I think the advice above is great – but I would also suggest finding a service product or volunteer project to do. I am sure your school has a volunteer office on campus – go see what is available. It isn’t easy to do something alone, but if you are all working on a group project (i am thinking habitat for humanity, tutoring local kids, working a food drive), it will make it easier to interact with and get to know more people. Also, volunteering is often a real mood booster and could really help you feel better. Being alone all the time is really hard – so maybe try this…when you get back to school after break (or even do it now before you leave so it is already planned) sign up for something, anything…it could be a regular thing (tutor local kids once a week) or a one time thing (food drive) but I really think it will help – and would get you closer to finding “your” college group. They are just waiting on you – go find them!!</p>

5

<p>Thanks so much for the replies so far. Reading them makes me feel a bit better and I will try out some of the suggestions. I can’t figure out how to quote so I’m just copying and pasting things. </p>

<p>“When you say that the people you met haven’t turned into anything, why haven’t they?”
It’s like you mention later on - we might get together a few times and then after that I never see them again. With one particular person who I thought things were going well with, she found a new big group of friends on her floor and is usually hanging out with them, so the couple of times I’ve asked her to hang out recently, she already had plans. I tried out the whole “sit next to someone else who is eating alone” thing once and I met another person that I thought I might become friends with, and since we live in the same building, we assumed we would see each other again, but unfortunately I’ve never seen her again. There are some people on my floor that plans keep getting foiled with (because they are pretty involved in clubs/groups that take place in evenings which is when I ask them if they want to hang out) but they seem super nice (and I truly believe they are interesting in becoming friends) so they will be my first priority when I get back from break. </p>

<p>“But even if they don’t, I know that kind of sucks, but you don’t have to be friends with your roommate(s). They’re just people you have to coexist with.”
That’s basically how I’m looking at it at this point. While I’m typing this one of them just came in with a supply of alcohol and is inviting others into the room to drink with her. It frustrates me that I can’t get any peace and quiet, or alone time, but I’m just going to have to live with it. One of the girls next door is actually quite kind to me - she is the only one that seems to acknowledge that I exist. I think she is actually feeling kind of lonely as well and as far as I can tell she only parties with them to fit in. So she will be another person that I try to connect with when I come back. I don’t think we will be best friends, but it would still be a start. </p>

<p>“Why do I have the feeling we go to a same college? You go to a UC right?”<br>
Haha, I was trying to keep my school a secret, but yeah, I go to a UC. I actually did try out your technique at the beginning of the year and it kind of worked once (although that friendship never went beyond a meal together, unfortunately) and was super awkward the other time :P. I’ll probably end up giving it another try, though. Thanks for the encouragement. </p>

<p>“Thinking of you – this is a tough transition. I think the advice above is great – but I would also suggest finding a service product or volunteer project to do.”<br>
Thanks you for the kind words. I have looked into volunteer projects and haven’t found much (most of the opportunities seem to be off campus which I can’t commit to) but there is a service club that I tried out at the beginning of the quarter that I think I’ll start going to again. I’m sure the people involved in volunteering activities are nicer on average than the student body as a whole, so I agree that it’s a good place to start searching! </p>

6

<p>What if you called the housing office tomorrow and asked about moving to another dorm? It doesn’t sound like you would miss the current roommates, and maybe someone has already told the housing office that they wouldn’t be returning in January.</p>

7

<p>“What if you called the housing office tomorrow and asked about moving to another dorm?”
This is something I’m considering but it’s a last resort. The process is a bit complicated and it’s a gamble - I could end up somewhere way worse. I’m going to enjoy the break and see how I’m feeling a few weeks after I come back. My goal is to stick out the entire year in this room because it is a cheap option (doubles and singles cost a lot more), and then hope for a double or starting next school year. But if I really can’t take it anymore I will talk to my RA or the housing office and see if there is a way I can get relocated. </p>

<p>I have two brothers who have finished undergrad already and one of them had similar problems to me (probably worse, actually). I think he lasted 1 semester at his first college, transferred to another, then lived at home and did community college, then started at a new one, dropped out and lived at home, then returned after a year and graduated. I think the only way he was able to finish up college was that he was coming home every weekend to recharge, but that’s not really an option for me since I don’t have a car. And now he’s back at home and not really sure what he’s doing. I’m so scared I’m going to be like him and never really settle in to college and end up just back at home afterwards. He’s quite a bit older than me and at the time I never understood how he could be having so much trouble, but now it makes complete sense to me. I’ll see him over the break so maybe I can see if he has any advice on how he finally <em>kind of</em> settled in for the final year/two of college. </p>

8

Well, here’s an update. I’m feeling a lot better than I did when I originally posted, but I still am not really enjoying my experience…

I’ve been more assertive about hanging out with the few friends I have (mostly from my hall), so I’m not always eating meals alone like I did constantly in the fall. They are really nice, but unfortunately I don’t feel anywhere near as close to them as I have to all of my friends in the past (like in high school and earlier). So I’m honestly still searching for friends, because I really doubt I’m still going to be hanging out with these people once we don’t live in the same hall next year.

I’ve tried about 5 clubs that matched my interests but none of them have worked out. One of them had only a few members who were already close friends and it was awkward. Another club I went to also seemed unwelcoming (they asked me how I had even heard about the club… apparently they weren’t seeking new members >.<), and a third wasn’t at all what I expected and wasn’t any fun. The two that I’ve liked the best either rarely meet or have meetings that conflict with my class times, so I hardly get a chance to go to those. I’ve basically run out of interesting looking clubs to try out now so I feel hopeless in that regard, because I thought that might be my avenue to making friends :frowning:

I just feel like I don’t fit in at this school. The average student is really into partying, fashion, sororities/frats, hooking up, and it all just feels kind of superficial. I’m sure a lot of them are really nice people, and I don’t mean to judge them, but they are just so different from me that I don’t feel like I’ll ever be accepted. I guess I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose this school, but this was the most prestigious school that I got into, and I’ve always heard people say things along the lines of “you can be happy at any school” so I assumed I would be fine.

So now I’m wondering if I should just transfer to a different school, specifically one close to home. I’m wondering if it would look strange to grad schools if I transferred to a less prestigious school in my hometown?

If I do that, I can have the option of going home on the weekends more than I do now, and it’s also supposed to have a campus culture more like what I’m looking for. But I’m worried that it might look like I’m transferring because I’m struggling academically, which isn’t the case (have a 4.0). I’m definitely going to finish this school year, and I do see the light at the end of the tunnel fortunately (summer isn’t TOO far away now), but I can’t imagine struggling through another 3 years of feeling this lonely…

9

I don’t think transferring is the solution (at least not yet). What you’re going through doesn’t seem to be specific to any one college. Also, in terms of grad school in the sciences what’ll matter are your grades, GRE scores, research experience, and LOR. Your undergraduate school only matters as much as it affects those.

I’m getting the sense that you grew up with your friends from your hometown which made it comfortable and easy. You didn’t have to actively pursue new friends so this is uncharted territory. It’s awesome that you’ve been trying out clubs and hanging out with people on the floor. Just remember that you can’t expect to already have anywhere near the sort of connection you had with your high school friends. That’ll take time. The ones you mesh best with will stay, others will leave, and new ones will come. Eventually you’ll have a friend group that may last a lifetime. Have you talked to any of them about living together next year?

What worked best for me was doing something more involved than a club like volunteer work or other student organizations or research. You end up being around like minded people for >10 hours per week, which forms closer relationships while keeping you busy and productive. Have you considered joining a sorority? Not all of them are party centric like you see in movies. Some are academic based or volunteer based, which may suit you better.

10

You most likely won’t see this, but just incase I wanted to comment.

I am feeling almost the exact same as you except for I enjoy my roommate and who I am living with/near. But anyways I’m really struggling with making a decision and was wondering what you decided to do? And if you regret your choice you made?