<p>i just visited my future campus this week and i must say that i love every thing about it</p>
<p>but i talked to a friend of mine (we are both girls, she is currently a freshman) who goes there and she told me (or rather, confirmed to me ) about the "hook-up" culture in college</p>
<p>i went to a frat party that night and saw some of it, i mean, i enjoy drinking in small doses every once in a while, and dancing, and just having fun with friends, but i am NOT into the hook-up culture at all!</p>
<p>when i say hook up, i mean you have sex with friends/people you just met without having to make a commitment</p>
<p>is there anyone else who dislikes it? I mean, sure everyone has needs, but as a girl my needs are mostly, lik 90%+, on the emotional side, and this just sounds like a waste of time and energy; it doesnt seem extremely appealing or emotionally fulfilling to me, either.</p>
<p>is there anyone else with me? what do you guys think of it?</p>
<p>also, if some one is a virgin after they graduate HS and university, does that mean there is something wrong with him/her? is that NOT appealing, or even a turn off?</p>
<p>You've come to the right place! In general, we parents don't like hook-up culture either! We parents of girls tend to REALLY dislike it!</p>
<p>(I'm being a little snarky. My usual position is you can't stop college students from doing what they want to do, and eventually they learn by trial and error what works and what doesn't for them. But there is absolutely, positively, nothing wrong with not wanting to have meaningless sex without commitment. In my experience, not that many people of either gender actually enjoy meaningless sex without commitment very much. Some people, however, feel like they have to try it out some before they trust their own instincts. They usually grow out of it.)</p>
<p>Concern with who is or isn't a virgin, and whether that's appealing or a turn-off, is pretty much limited to people in their teens to early 20s. At some point, hardly anyone is, and it doesn't matter a whit. Until then, do not feel like you have to do ANYTHING, much less anything like having sex, because everyone else seems to think it's normal, if you aren't 100% comfortable with it. People take very different paths to reach the point where they feel comfortable about sex, and not ashamed of how they deal with it. If you feel you are on the right path for you, that's all that matters.</p>
<p>I may be hopelessly out of fashion ... but how can virginity be attractive/unattractive? </p>
<p>It's not like you go out in public wearing a label screaming your sexual status. IMHO, by the time you get to the point that another person learns if you are a virgin or not, it shouldn't be a factor in whether that person finds (found?) you attractive in the first place ...</p>
<p>q-mark--you are right on the mark. There is NOTHING wrong with disliking or abstaining from casual, meaningless physical encounters. It's hard to find an upside to the 'hook up culture.' Waiting for the right relationship (or, waiting until marriage) is a fine and very self-valuing approach.</p>
<p>Many, many people think like you do and you'll probably find them at college. Not everyone is part of the 'hook up' lifestyle. You don't have to compare yourself to a large group whose values you do not share and feel deficient. You can find a group with whom you are compatible, value-wise.</p>
<p>Moreover, many people are virgins after high school & college & beyond and they lead exceptionally happy and fulfilled lives. </p>
<p>Finally--you might find that many guys find it very appealing/intriguing/challenging that you are of the few girls who is harder to get. That can be a nice little bonus. :-)</p>
<p>Nothing wrong with not liking any current trend and abstaining from it. Not EVERYONE is doing it. If EVERYONE you know is, you are missing out on a lot of people who are not. Maybe you are with the wrong crowd.</p>
<p>
[quote]
there is absolutely, positively, nothing wrong with not wanting to have meaningless sex without commitment
[/quote]
</p>
<p>If people are not drunk/under the influence of something, they usually will not say "hmm, this is a good time to have meaningless sex without commitment."
Well, at least the girls won't.</p>
<p>Good for you! There is so much time for meaningful relationships, and it is quite possible to have one without casual sex. You will feel better and be better. My DD who is finishing up college this spring has so much going for her, I advise her about the consequences, which are many, of casual encounters. A simple admonition to her, "Don't give away free milk." Sex in it's proper context is a beautiful gift. It's good that you aren't trivializing your body or this wonderful experience. Stay strong and good luck to you.</p>
<p>I suggest that you find an EC or 2 right away. Every school has clubs and organizations that involve non-drinking activities. If your only social outlets are frat parties, it will take longer to find the peers you seek. They will be there, on your campus, looking for a friend like you. You just need to look in the right places.</p>
<p>What may hurt you, however, is a judgemental attitude towards people who don't have the same values that you do about sexual relationships. </p>
<p>Lots of people responding here are obviously quite sure that 'meaningless sex' is bad for you, wrong morally, shows a lack of character. I don't subscribe to that view: The opposite of sex in a committed long term relationship is not "meaningless sex" enacted in a drunken haze. It can be something that good friends choose to do. It can even be something that two adults who don't know each other well choose to do-as adults they are entitled to that choice. The primary issue is that no one should misrepresent their objectives in seeking sex, no one should take advantage of another's infatuation/drunkeness/immaturity, and everyone MUST avoid dangerous sex (use protection). This is what adults do. It's what a lot of college students don't do and people get hurt.</p>
<p>And yes, lots of people feel used and cheap when they have meaningless sex because they know they either lied to themselves about what it meant to them, or they discover later that they wrongly assumed it meant something to the other person. The answer is to acknowledge the choice to have casual sex with that person was a bad one. Then decide what avoiding bad sexual experiences means for you: Virginity until marriage. Only committed sex. Only sex with people you know and trust. Or casual sex but with a more carefully guarded heart.</p>
<p>Nothing is wrong with you for not wanting to have hookups. If you don't want to have hookups, don't do it. And don't act like you're better than other people for not doing it, because you're not. This approach, both halves of it, worked just fine for me.</p>
<p>And no, nothing is wrong with you for being a virgin. Nothing would be wrong with you for not being a virgin. Virginity is not some sort of status marker in either direction. The only thing that would be "wrong with you" is if you lord it over other people about how morally superior you are for being a virgin.</p>
<p>Also,</p>
<p>
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is there anyone else who dislikes it? I mean, sure everyone has needs, but as a girl my needs are mostly, lik 90%+, on the emotional side
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I would advise you to stop attributing your own preferences (which I pretty much share) to your gender. There are men who mostly care about emotional intimacy, and women who care mostly about the sex, and people of all genders who are somewhere in the middle. Your preferences and values are YOURS. Be willing to stand up and say "This is who I am" without falling back on gender as some sort of excuse for why you have them. Among other things, this implies that you need an excuse, which you don't. :)</p>
<p>
[quote]
Lots of people responding here are obviously quite sure that 'meaningless sex' is bad for you, wrong morally, shows a lack of character. I don't subscribe to that view: The opposite of sex in a committed long term relationship is not "meaningless sex" enacted in a drunken haze. It can be something that good friends choose to do. It can even be something that two adults who don't know each other well choose to do-as adults they are entitled to that choice. The primary issue is that no one should misrepresent their objectives in seeking sex, no one should take advantage of another's infatuation/drunkeness/immaturity, and everyone MUST avoid dangerous sex (use protection). This is what adults do. It's what a lot of college students don't do and people get hurt.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Thank you. This sums up my thoughts very well, as a recent college alum who personally hates the idea of participating in a hookup myself.</p>
<p>I am sure you are not alone, but even if you are, that's ok. If hooking up is not right for you, it's not right for you! I agree with Bethievt -- it will help for you to find one or two groups of people who share your interests so you have other things more personally meaningful to do instead of what you described seeing during your campus visit. </p>
<p>You asked if anyone else dislikes it. Well, it offends my personal antediluvian moral sensibilities, but we all see the world through our own eyes, and what's wrong for one person isn't wrong for everyone. My daughter is your age, and she dislikes it, too.</p>
<p>Is there substance-free housing at your school? Just a thought.</p>
<p>"If people are not drunk/under the influence of something, they usually will not say "hmm, this is a good time to have meaningless sex without commitment."
Well, at least the girls won't."</p>
<p>There are plenty of guys who aren't into hook-ups.</p>
<p>Please, parents, don't assume that all guys and parents of guys support the hook-up culture.</p>
<p>There also are plenty of females who do think that hook-ups are just dandy. Some of them run after guys whose values are quite the opposite.</p>
<p>Let's not be sexist here. </p>
<p>People who are into random hook-ups are likely to have friends who are into the same, and are likely to party in a way that encourages that kind of behavior.</p>
<p>I think that if one isn't into the hook-up culture, you'd do well to avoid parties in which drinking to get drunk is the main point. Even on campuses known for partying, there are nice, interesting students who have fun in ways that don't involve heavy drinking (may not even involve drinking at all) or casual hook-ups. No matter where you'll go to college, there will be campus clubs and other activities where you can have fun without being surrounded by people into casual hook-ups and drunkenness.</p>
<p>Now, if your idea of partying is getting drunk, do be aware that due to lowered inhibitions, you may end up getting involved in random hook-ups. You'll also be more likely to be in the company of people involved in such behavior. Some students even deliberately get drunk so they can have sex without feeling guilty. Interesting, a friend of mine who's a creative writing teacher at a well known and highly rated Catholic college said that students have described that phenomenon in writing assignments based on their lives.</p>
<p>Great point, NSM, we shouldn't point the finger at the males.</p>
<p>My DD also found the casual hook-ups surprising. She would agree that females are as likely to initiate as males. In fact, if you're not interested in that kind of partying, males who share your values will find you and you can have the kind of relationships that you desire. </p>
<p>I also have a hunch that this kind of casual sex dies down after freshman year - or maybe that's just wishful thinking :).</p>
<p>My D who graduated Yale last year (that is where you're headed, no?) was not into the culture you describe, nor were her friends. A few of her roommates had real-live boyfriends (!) they met on campus, if that helps any.
Two of her roommates were still with their boyfriends when they graduated.</p>
<p>My D has met her first boyfriend since high school in grad school. Maybe she didn't meet the right guy at Yale because she was too busy, or more likely she just wasn't ready for any level of commitment herself. In any case, while the casual sex is common in colleges all over the country, it's not seen as strange not to want to participate. Also, you can still have fun at parties- I know my D did if the pics were any indication!</p>
<p>Feeling as you do, I would strongly suggest that you stick to your values and don't worry about what others will think; they'll respect you for doing what's right for you, really, and you'll find many others who feel as you do.</p>
<p>I have a 19 year old son who has been going with the same girl for 2 years...so I know not all boys are into shallow relationships, either.</p>
<p>In some ways colleges are microcosoms of life. You will see everything. You may also have run into a biased sample. You live your life, I am sure you will find many like yourself, and many who are not. Just part of the experience.</p>
<p>I'm not into this culture either...I decided when I was really young (like before I even hit puberty) that I would save myself for marriage.</p>
<p>I really don't understand the need to have sex with random people...what is either side getting out of it, other than the momentary high of sex and a need to go to the OB/GYN the next morning?</p>
<p>Anyway...I'm totally with you, OP. I have some friends who already live the "hookup culture" lifestyle...and I love them as people and they know that, but I just don't agree with everything they do. It doesn't effect my relationship with them one bit. ^_^</p>
<p>I'm one of the more "conservative" parents when it comes to sex; I believe it belongs in marriage. </p>
<p>However, I disagree with the observation in one of the earlier posts that kids who have casual sex hang out with kids who have casual sex (and presumably there's an unofficial "virgins club.") I know a fair amount about the sexual histories of many of my now mid-20s age "kid's" close male and female friends. It just doesn't work that way. My kid has friends who had casual sex and friends who were born again Christians who wouldn't have gone past a chaste kiss on the cheek--and everything in between. I don't think that's at all unusual.</p>
<p>As a parent of both a boy and a girl, I agree with Northstarmom that we shouldn't engage in stereotyping on this issue. There are plenty of guys on campus who share your view. As bethievt suggested, you will likely find them in clubs, service projects, etc. that are of interest to you--and them.</p>
<p>Have confidence in yourself and your own beliefs.</p>
<p>It's a sad fact of life that there are deadly consequences to one night stands, like, herpes,AIDs, HPV, Hepatitis C and no cure for any of these in sight. Don't forget that there are also many STDs that while curable, if they go undetected and untreated,can result in sterility. An unplanned pregnancy is yet another consequence of spontaneous recreational sex.
No, you are very wise to not enjoy this type of behavior. Good for you.
I applaud your mature perspective.</p>