<p>There are plenty of adults (yes, even parents) who are into hook-up culture. And some who aren't, but wish they were. And, it should be remembered, that for every person into hook-up culture at Yale or anywhere else, there are two parents, in most cases highly educated and worldly ones. </p>
<p>Some of us would tend to think that's a sad commentary. I'm not so quick to judge the kids.</p>
<p>I'm a freshman at Yale. I wouldn't say that there is a hook-up culture here so much as that no-one really cares if that is what you want to do, it's very unjudgemental in that respect. </p>
<p>People certainly do drink and hook-up, some a lot, some occasionally, but there are plenty of people who have long-term relationships or nothing at all, and of course people fall into different groups at different times. It's college, and people will take advantage of their new freedom in different ways, some of which you might approve of and want to do yourself, and some of which you won't. </p>
<p>Most people get on pretty well together, regardless, and, with the exception of people who are at the real extremes (and, you know, you were at a frat party), have friends who do things they would not do and do things themselves that their friends would not do. I don't think you need to seek out people who are just like you, you just have to learn to tolerate differences in people and be sure enough in yourself that if there is something you don't want to do, then you don't do it.</p>
<p>The fact that you are a virgin won't be a big deal at all, unless you make it so. If you go around with a superior attitude or make a big issue of people hooking-up, then that will alienate you from the majority of people, not because they think hooking up is fantastic or being a virgin is strange, but because they think being judgemental is wrong. Similarly people who are really into as many as possible as often as possible and want the world to know are often regarded as sort of comical figures and they mostly don't judge people for not wanting to have casual sex, they just move on to find someone who will.</p>
<p>You can bet that if you feel that way, that there are lots of other folks who do, too. That's one of the great things about going to college - there are enough people there that you'll find others who share just about any point of view you do.</p>
<p>My sons and most of their friends are Christian guys who believe that sex is for marriage only. They still have a great time and have a huge social network. Don't worry.</p>
<p>I don't necessarily think it's useful to project an attitude of judgmental condemnation as originating from the original poster or to warn against developing such views ("What may hurt you, however, is a judgemental attitude towards people who don't have the same values that you do about sexual relationships.")</p>
<p>The OP did not display a judgemental attitude whatsoever -- on the contrary, she was somewhat hesitant in her approach and even wondered whether there is "... anyone else with me?" or whether her views " ... mean there is something wrong...?" </p>
<p>An adherance to a more conservative view of physical intimacy does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with judgmental condemnation of other perspectives.</p>
<p>It does a disservice to those who hold more conservative views to assume so.</p>
<p>Simple solution: don't go to frat parties. It sounds glib, but isn't. 99% of the reason why frat parties exist is to get a lot of young women drunk. At the school I went to -- by no means a "party" school -- frat guys referred to sorority women (and other women who went to frat parties) as rape fodder. Crude but true.</p>
<p>
[quote]
However, I disagree with the observation in one of the earlier posts that kids who have casual sex hang out with kids who have casual sex (and presumably there's an unofficial "virgins club.")
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yeah, that caught my eye too, jonri. My experience is the same as your kid's. Nobody I know chooses their friends based on whether they're virgins, or based on whether they are okay with casual sex. And, astounding as it might be to some here, people who have opposite practices on this issue can have much in common and enjoy the same activities and clubs, and often do.</p>
<p>Edited to add in reply to katliamom: Rape absolutely exists on college campuses outside fraternities, not all fraternities behave in the way you describe, and there is plenty of consensual casual sex (and committed relationships too) in both the Greek system and the dorms. However, do find out which fraternities (and dorms, if applicable) have bad reputations in this regard. People around campus will know. At my own school, there were fraternities whose parties I would happily have attended, and a couple of fraternities that I wouldn't have wanted to set foot in.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, I apologize! and your advice is spot on:
[quote]
you'd do well to avoid parties in which drinking to get drunk is the main point. Even on campuses known for partying, there are nice, interesting students who have fun in ways that don't involve heavy drinking (may not even involve drinking at all) or casual hook-ups. No matter where you'll go to college, there will be campus clubs and other activities where you can have fun without being surrounded by people into casual hook-ups and drunkenness
[/quote]
</p>
<p>See tli83's advice, the voice of a Yale student:
[quote]
The fact that you are a virgin won't be a big deal at all, unless you make it so. If you go around with a superior attitude or make a big issue of people hooking-up, then that will alienate you from the majority of people, not because they think hooking up is fantastic or being a virgin is strange, but because they think being judgemental is wrong.
[/quote]
This is probably a good reflection of the general state of mind on a campus like the Yale campus.</p>
<p>lol wow thanks for the replies</p>
<p>i don't judge people who have different values, i'm just worried that i might be pressured into doing it...but now i'm quite sure that it's a choice i can freely make on my own</p>
<p>thanks!</p>
<p>There are times when you'll think "Why is it that I think so differently about XYZ?" and as far as this topic in particular goes (even though I'm an old bat now 52) I sure know how you feel from college days. I decided to follow my own path in that regard and am SOOO glad that I didn't give into peer pressure. Be who you are, is all I can say.</p>
<p>I am a recent college graduate, and while I was never into the hook up culture (I am now engaged to my college boyfriend), I want to go back to the OPs virginity question. </p>
<p>If you have chosen to remain a virgin for moral or religious grounds be very clear on those before you attend college. I personally do not think that there is anything wrong with teenagers or college students having safe sex, but if this is important to you, then do a refresher course in your morals so you don't just fall into a moral trap.</p>
<p>If, on the other hand, you are still a virgin because you have yet to have the opportunity to enjoy sex, think about your criteria for when the time is right. I am someone who was sexually active way too young and I advise my sisters and friends of the following: if you can think of five things that really drive you nuts about your perspective partner, you know him or her well enough to sleep with him/her. If you are still in the everything is perfect stage, you are fooling yourself.</p>
<p>Also, I would recommend getting yourself on the pill before starting school just in case. It would also be wise to have condoms in your room. If you are going to have sex you should have safe sex-meaning with a contraceptive and a barrier method to protect from infection. </p>
<p>Overall, sex should be ENJOYABLE and FUN, and if you are feeling pressured, guilty, or forced this is a problem and you should not have sex.</p>
<p>Does anyone regret not losing their virginity sooner? No.</p>
<p>I like TLI's post, especially this part:
[quote]
People certainly do drink and hook-up, some a lot, some occasionally, but there are plenty of people who have long-term relationships or nothing at all, and of course people fall into different groups at different times.
[/quote]
That's precisely what I find at my college as well. I should also add that, at least at my college, there is almost no judgment based on people's sexual habits. Looking at my closest friends, several people are virgins, a couple of others abstain from sex for religious reasons (some are virgins, some are not), two are in long term relationships, a couple of others date around (sometimes having sex, sometimes not), a few people "hook up" outside of the context of a relationship (maybe sex, maybe something less than that; maybe a couple of times a year, or maybe every week or two), and one or two friends like to form "friends with benefits" relationships. Throughout the year I've learned pretty well which of my friends are virgins and which are not, but it's not something that comes up all that often. Out of my friends who are virgins, I don't necessarily know whether they would have sex for the first time without a relationship, are waiting for a meaningful relationship, or are waiting for marriage. It's not really my business, and though I'm sure I could ask if I wanted to know, I don't really care much either way. You will be fine and will fit in perfectly well as long as you feel comfortable in your own skin and with your own decisions, no matter what they are.</p>
<p>Well said, cottonwood513!!!</p>
<p>That's what I suspect, there is more talk than action. I was never pressured to have sex in high school. I don't know if girls today have that
luxury.</p>
<p>YOu might read the dating age thread. Both my girls didn't go on conventional dates in high school,they did things in groups, which is very common in some schools.
They are about the direct opposite of me in high school, for which I say hallelujah!</p>
<p>In college- I don't ask and she didn't tell me- I didn't want to know, but she stayed focused on her studies enough to graduate :)</p>
<p>Actually, cottonwood513, there are many of us who wish we'd had more confidence in ourselves sexually at an earlier age. We just don't care to go on about it on a web site.</p>
<p>I've overheard my sons talking about this exact same thing at their colleges. They don't like it either, which surprised me a little. They have a pretty low opinion of the drunk girls that fall all over them when they go to a party, and have actually stopped going to the drinking parties. There are a lot of other activities at college, including clubs, academic lectures, arts events etc. and you will tap into the huge numbers of students who don't do the party scene. You won't be deprived socially at all if you stay true to your own values, and the guys you are interested in will respect that you're not a party-girl. The virginity thing isn't rare. Every few years there's an article about the fact that kids lie about losing their virginity and that the numbers of virgins are higher than expected. You have a lot of company, and it's not going to be like "OMG, ur a freak!" in school. It's not a bad or unusual thing - it just means that you're very smart. Have a wonderful college experience!</p>
<p>My daughter is in a sorority and probably went to most of frat parties this year at Cornell. She is not into hookup culture. Yes, there are boys that made advances at her at those parties, but she has never been in any situation that she felt she couldn't handle (as in, get away from me). She is still a virgin, not because she is waiting until she gets married, but because she has not found anyone to take that step with yet. I am in full support of her waiting until she feels it's right, and that could be whenever.</p>
<p>I don't think it is necessary to avoid frat parties because you are not into the hookup culture. It is up to you to decide what is acceptable to you in any situation. Recently a "frat boy" asked my daughter to an event, which involved drinking. My daughter came flat out and told him (really his friend) that if he expected hooking up with her, then forget about it, and there was no issue. I do admire her for coming straight out to say what she's not willing to do and take the consequence.</p>
<p>My older daughter has many friends that are in relationships, and just as many that are into random hookups at parties. I think they all choose what's right for them.</p>
<p>I wish you nothing but the best as you transition into your life as a college student. Lots of choices/decisions await you!</p>
<p>This is NOT a new culture. Guys who compete with frat bros or friends for 'notches in the belt' have been on college campuses for generations! They have regularly sought out girls who aren't in complete control of their faculties! ;-) Translation: the girls drink too much and more likely to have sex because of limited inhibitions. I encourage you to make sure you are doing what YOU want to do--not what somebody else wants or expects. If it turns out that casual sex is OK for you, then YOU are the one who makes that call! If it's not for you--YOU still make the call! That HAS changed over the years--women can be more in control today. At any rate, please protect yourself--physically and emotionally before you are in a bind!</p>
<p>I would echo the suggestions already made that you get involved in something that's important to you and develop relationships with friends--male or female--who will 'cover your back' should you drink too much and put yourself in awkward situations. At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself, but it's always a good idea to look out for each other, especially on a college campus! My guess is that you will find others--again, male and female--who agree with you ideas about hooking-up and you will have a circle of friends who remain friends for many years! You will know what's right for yourself! </p>
<p>By the way, congratulations on your acceptance at Yale!</p>