<p>I am now an empty nester, as my daughter started college two weeks ago and my son went back to college for his senior year yesterday. Although I miss my kids a lot and the house is very quiet, it is difficult for me to relate to the extreme reactions described in this article. Like the parents in the article, I was very involved with my kids' lives, but, at this point, I am thrilled that both my kids have found colleges where they can learn and grow into independent adults. I wonder if reactions like those described are really that common, or if the situation is being dramatized to make a good story.</p>
<p>I suspect reactions are quite varied. Though I admit that I know many parents who have sent kids off to college in the last few years, and NONE have had the extreme reactions described. Many admitted sadness initially, most looked forward to have having their kids home on break, some were ecstatic that they "got their own lives back" after focussing on kids. Some moms headed back to college for bachelor's or graduate degrees. Some couples moved to smaller houses. Some travelled more. All loved their kids.</p>
<p>The reactions of your friends sound more in line with what my husband and I are experiencing at this time.</p>
<p>H and I are now empty nesters as well--with D in her first year at college and S in his first year out of college (but living on his own), and we feel that same way you do. I've known folks who have expressed feelings similar to those described in the article, but we haven't experienced them, at least not to such a dramatic extent. In fact, when our D has called us, she's spent more time in conversation with us than before she left! I must confess that I did breeze through S's HS yearbook yesterday but that began when I had to look up someone D mentioned who's now helping to coach the HS volleyball team. Now to plan our social calendar!</p>
<p>I think the situation was dramatized to make a good story...but there were some elements of truth. Among them, this statement:
[quote]
"Three things are affected," Dr. Balter said. "One is your own sense of who you are. The other part is the other kids left behind, and the last is your relationship to your spouse."
[/quote]
I wrote about the first back in late fall, 2003, when the exhilaration of my daughter's successful flight from the nest had worn off a bit, and a mild depression set in. I realized that my nuclear family had spun off an electron, and would never be the same thing again. Moreover, my "sense of self" was threatened, because, despite being many other things, MOM had been for 18 years the single most important aspect of my self-identity. That was changing, and that was disorienting and a little scary. As to the second, I've mentioned before that my son immediately matured when his big sister left, so that was a positive aspect. Last, my marriage has always been strong and fulfilling, but having just experienced an empty-nest summer for the first time in 20 years (son went to music camp), we found our relationship to be much more carefree and romantic, despite the looming reality that this nest would be soon be empty most of the time. This is a life passage moment, like childbirth, marriage, and death, there's no getting around it.</p>
<p>I can't believe that the woman talked about in the story holds the position of Administrative Judge. She certainly doesnt display the maturity or the emotional stability to hold any position of authority. Any!</p>
<p>I agree, Toblin, I suspect she takes time off for a lot of other things, too. I sent my last chick off to college 2 weeks ago, and am slowly adjusting to a new life, but I don't have the luxury of time for a week of self-pity that strong.</p>
<p>OMG!! That is sooooo pathetic!!
I guess the underlying message is that maybe parents should not try to live their entire lives through their children! </p>
<p>Some of this article is so lame it is actually funny!! How about this:
[quote]
Losing her older son to college was like "cutting off an arm," she said. But she feels the separation from her daughter more painfully.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>So..... her daughter leaving was even more painful than having an arm cut off? ok, if you say so! Now slap yourself in the face and GROW UP!! </p>
<p>and this...
[quote]
One night she stayed up late and cooked 14 small frozen meals for Emily, who has severe food allergies, to microwave in her room at Vassar. It might seem obsessive, Ms. Ripp said, but she doesn't apologize.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>yes, it does seem obsessive.... I guess I can understand the concern about the severe food allergies, but don't you research all that before you send your kid off to college?</p>
<p>Now, I have to admit this part gave me some comfort, since we dropped our son off at college 11 days ago and he refuses to communicate with us... although I did see his # on caller ID tonight (but no message)</p>
<p>
[quote]
Some parents say that it is worse when boys go off to college, because they are more likely than girls to stop communicating with their parents.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>My D is not communicating either! </p>
<p>She has always gotten along really well with boys.... :cool:</p>
<p>Just delivered our son to McGill last week. He's gone. I refuse to think about it. He will be back at Christmas. His sister has already taken over his room. Time passes.</p>
<p>Maybe we CC parents are better at dealing with our kids' departure because we have more preparation and support.</p>
<p>I wouldn't be so harsh on the judge in this article! She is at the beginning of the experience - at the shock of this identity change. Even when you are prepared for it intellectually, it can hit pretty hard that your close and loving family will never return back to its old ways. Yes, we all have to change, but sometimes it is necessary to mourn the passing of this era. Now, if she still feels this way in a few months - then there is a problem! But right now she is feeling what she is feeling - so give her a break.</p>
<p>OK, personal confession. While I don't feel I'm "extreme" in the ways these profiled parents express, I do feel... empty. And wholly unprepared for this identity change and shift in my family concept. I guess I am still in mourning. Our family <em>has</em> always been very close, and it's a very big shock to my system to rip it into a new shape. </p>
<p>It's been ten days for me, and I'm only just barely feeling the life drain back into my limbs. I've been walking around rather numb for most of the week, trying to figure out how to feed only 1 other family member rather than 3 others (my H is working overseas until Nov.). I've had little motivation to clean, organize, or do most of the things I do for enjoyment, although I've forced myself to do some of them just for the sake of doing them, thinking maybe if I pushed myself into things they would become fun again. So far, no luck, but I'll keep at it. I've been trying to forge a new relationship with my nearly-16yo junior, but he's not making it easy.</p>
<p>I am so proud of my older S and so excited for him and I know with all my heart that he is ready for his launch into life. (And I sure do wish he'd get in touch. Sons can be jerks.) I can't say I've felt any joy since he left, but I'm sure it just takes time. I mostly try not to think about him.</p>
<p>So.... the pangs and the reaction don't have to be extreme. They can just be subtle, and yet still be so real. In a couple more weeks, I expect to be back on the sunny side of life. Right now, there's a lot of color missing in the world.</p>
<p>Hang in there, Mootmom! It'll get better. : )</p>
<p>Mootmom -
Even though I am the one who started this thread in disbelief at the NY Times article, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I think I felt empty for quite a while when my son went away to school across the country three years ago. For some reason, it has been easier for me this time when my second (and last) child left. It is true (at least in my case) that boys communicate less than girls, and it is stressful when you don't even get basic information from your child. My son was like that, too. Providing a few tidbits of information by email or phone does not take much time or effort for the kids, but does wonders to ease a parent's curiousity and concern. But the boys don't seem to realize this :(</p>
<p>Mootmom -
Does your son's school have a daily newspaper online? I enjoy reading the daily of my son's school online. You might enjoy knowing about the issues and happenings on-campus, especially if your son doesn't communicate too much.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I've had little motivation to clean, organize, or do most of the things I do for enjoyment, although I've forced myself to do some of them just for the sake of doing them, thinking maybe if I pushed myself into things they would become fun again. So far, no luck, but I'll keep at it.
[/quote]
Do keep at it, Mootmom. I'm no health care pro, but your description is the clinical description of depression. Not having your husband around to commiserate with at this time is tough...but you do have us, who've been through it before. What school does your son attend? How's the website? Have you subscribed to the tree edition of the campus paper (usually has more photos and other info than the online version)? There's a great deal you can learn, and much vicarious enjoyment to be had by scoping out his teachers, classes, activities, etc. that way. I remember exactly the feeling you describe, and I'd never felt it before, and it scared me. It's all about accepting the fact that your plan as a parent worked! He's out there where you wanted him, you're still his mom, but it's different from here on out. I do hope you can go to the campus parent's weekend in 4-6 weeks. Plan a nice trip there for yourself, something to look forward to. Tell your son you want to be able to IM him, if you don't already. That's practically the ONLY way I communicate with my daughter now. Good luck, and keep in touch. This will pass, and there's still fun to be had as a parent, even at the college level! I promise you it's true.</p>
<p>Some good friends of ours are experiencing some readjustment as they have just sent their only S, a theater kid, back to NYU. The house is a lot quieter and they're getting more sleep. And the trash bins are already full and it's only Phase I of "clean up". Otoh, the mom in particular, is feeling somewhat unanchored. We're being our own single-child empty-nest support group.</p>
<p>After a year, we're still in transition ourselves, set back slightly by a [job shortened] D-centered summer made more so when she broke a bone in her foot...all the schlepping and chaufferring was more than anticipated.</p>
<p>We're still exploring empty nest "firsts," like going down to San Diego for an overnight to see a UCLA road football game. It was so much fun that we're planning to go up to Seattle next year.</p>
<p>The son has been gone for just a few days. My husband asked me when I thought son would call. I replied, "Well my BD is in a few weeks, so I am sure he will call when you remind him". Redlands has a webcam-it helped last year to see happy students-I even saw the son twice. </p>
<p>Road trip sounds fun-tried to get the H to go to the Univ of Hawaii game so I could attend a continuing education this past weekend. He didn't agree, says "we have a kid in college-need to save". Guess we'll just go to a winery. </p>
<p>Sept BD greetings to the Dad & D. (If I remember correctly)</p>
<p>I can relate to mootmom. I think my two girls (a sophmore and a freshman) go to the same school as her son. :^) </p>
<p>I miss them. There's just no way around it. Today, I kept checking my email over and over ... hoping to hear the latest news. I've called my freshman daughter's room a number of times, and there is no answer. (I'm not sure what room my sophmore daughter has yet!) Knowing them, they're with friends and have made an impromptu trip to Cape Cod, or are in Maine with their aunt and uncle and family, who live nearby, and are wonderful. </p>
<p>Still .... I MISS my girls!
Ahhhh!!!!! </p>
<p>My littlest daughter (#4) and I are flying out for parents' weekend in October just to reconnect, while my husband holds down the fort here with daughter #3. </p>
<p>Daughter #2 is an artist, and before she left for college, she drew a picture. She drew the four teenaged sisters (attired in capes ... one had an old-fashioned ship's captain-hat, one had her pet cockatiel on her shoulder) looking seaward, toward a gigantic setting sun. Nearby, scattered on the beach, were maps, compasses, and various navigational devices. One girl holds a rolled up map in her hand, one is using a spyglass to gaze out over the sea. My daughter said she wanted to complete the picture before she turned 18 (she flew off to college 10 days ago, on her 18th birthday).</p>
<p>Kind of like goodbye to childhood, hello to the big, amazing world, and all of the adventures that await.</p>
<p>That's how it should be. Still, some of us parents, left on the shoreline waving goodbye, are feeling the bittersweetness of it all.</p>