This is in response to the Why Penn? essay. I’m concerned whether the tone is insincere. It’s only the introduction though, I will write more, but I wanted to know if I was going in the right direction. Do you think that the second paragraph makes me sound conceited? Appreciate the feedback, thanks!
Why Penn?
I always buy lunch from the Yue Kee food cart on 38th street. Its not what we call authentic around my house, but hey, they make a good orange chicken. On any other day, I would indulge myself outside the Au Bon Pain across the street, but I was studying for my Biology final that day, so I made my way back to my study room at Van Pelt. Strolling down Locust Walk, I noticed from afar what seemed like chalk drawings all over the pavement. Flagrant vandalizing right in the heart of Penns campus! Oh the audacity. As I got closer, I saw that the culprits had signed their names as well: The Penny Loafers. Apparently they were holding auditions for new members. Beneath all the curlycues and exclamation marks, the Penny Loafers advertised, Ass Kicking Acapella! Shaking my head, I thought to myself, Only at Penn.
Over the past summer, I have had the opportunity to explore many of Penns programs through the Summer at Penn Program and my internship at the Clinical Research Building. Although I was not able to attend the Penny Loafers invitation, I did look into many of Penns more academic programs. Most of my explorations were in the scientific field (pun intended.) My summer goal was not to dig up as much dirt on Penn as I could so I can better write this essay, but to see for myself whether I could survive in Penns rigorous academic atmosphere. Biology 101 had the reputation of being the most challenging course in the program. Sadly, I did not learn of this until a week after classes had started. I was suspicious when our professor announced that we were required to read one chapter per night, but I figured, Its the Ivy League, whatd you expect? Little did I know, Biology 101 did not have class five days a week during the normal school-year.
<p>I don't think that it is concieted. Some essays that I have read openly talk about how smart they are and how they deserve to go to Ivies. This is not concieted at all. It seems like a natural, humorous opening to a good "Why Penn?" answer.</p>
<p>They aren't too bad...I prefer eating at Beijing next to the Wawa on Spruce though. Bit more expensive but the food is way better. </p>
<p>My essay to Penn was much, much longer than that...so, I'm not sure. I didn't find it conceited but I found it to be a bit pandering. All you're doing is telling Penn you know about the campus...why not make more references to their world-class departments? The bio101 thing was decent...expand on your desire to study science at Penn. What sort of science? If you're going to pander at least do it about academics, not aesthetics. :) </p>
<p>I really like the 1st paragraph and the 2nd is in no way conceited....
however, when i read it I got the image that u were unprepared when u entered this Bio class (u didnt even know it was 5 days a week?)--this seems to be an unappealing quality......other than that i like it<br>
just my two cents</p>
<p>There's a real difference in tone between the introduction and the lst paragraph. I suppose it's ok for you to speak/write in two totally different voices but the abrupt change from one voice to another sort of bothers me. Also, in the sentence "My summer goal was not to dig up as much dirt on Penn as I could so I can better write this essay, but to see for myself whether I could survive in Penns rigorous academic atmosphere," I'd leave out the part about dirt-digging and what your goal wasn't and just write what your goal was.</p>
<p>I'd lose the first paragraph, but then you'd be stuck with the 2nd...</p>
<p>REally, I didn't know what you were talking about.</p>
<p>And I 2nd getting rid of this awkward convoluted thing: My summer goal was not to dig up as much dirt on Penn as I could so I can better writ...</p>
<p>Better to write an entire essay and see what you have to work with and save the honest bits, then to try to write something like this, where you are trying hard to give someone what you think they want to hear. I do find it insincere so far, but that's okay, you can just try a first draft, then get a good idea going, see where it takes you, find inspiration, edit out the bad parts or rewrite next time around. Keep going.</p>