<p>"D" is one and a half weeks into college and she is already stressing herself out so much she is getting sick. She caught a cold or has some sinus problem and today she said she had the worst headache she has ever had in her life. She feels there is not enough time in the day to do everything she needs to. Not only that, every time she calls, I'm afraid to answer the phone because I don't want to hear anything negative. I have been so supportive, but I honestly don't know what else I can do for her. Is this normal for new college students? A little background on her....she is a perfectionist, never failed at anything, has the utmost expectations for herself. She feels her schedule is tougher than all of her friends and that she studies more than any of them. She is in the ARTOC so every morning at 6:30am she has physical training. Typically runs 2-3 miles each day plus strength exercises. She is taking both chem and bio (she is premed, and labs haven't even started yet) a military science class, writing class and social issues class. Does this sound overwhelming? I really have no clue...Certain times during the day she is fine and then all of a sudden "BAM" a few hours later her whole mood changes and everything seems impossible to her. She loves her college and her friends...she's just not sure how she will handle everything. Any suggestions? PLEASE.......</p>
<p>Her schedule doesn't sound overwhelming; challenging, sure. but not impossible. All across the country there are frosh taking chem, bio, and calc.</p>
<p>Her bigger problem isn't the schedule, it's perfectionism. She's going to have to lose that, and it's not something we can tell you how to do in a few sentences. It may be possible to do <em>everything</em> in HS but in college you have to learn to prioritize, to skim books or even skip optional readings, to decide what you won't do absolutely perfectly. This is an important lesson, one that carries over into the rest of life. </p>
<p>I would suggest she visit the counseling center at her college. This is confidential (you won't know she went) and often free or low-cost. Feeling overwhelmed is a common experience at college, especially because at the start you have no feedback (from midterms, papers, etc) to show you're on the right track. There's the haunting fear everyone else is smarter or doing more. I think the counselors are used to seeing kids like her, and can work on both the nearer-term issues of showing her she CAN get everything done she needs (which is not the same as everything done), and longer-term on the perfectionism.</p>
<p>Thank-you Mikemac. Great advice and I agree that the perfectionism is the key issue. It's funny because when we were packing, she had picked up a "How to deal with perfectionism" brochure from the college, and when I asked her if I should pack it for her, she said, "no I'll be fine." Go figure, the only thing I didn't pack was probably one of the more important things I missed. :)</p>
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Is this normal for new college students?
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<p>It's one of several "normal" reactions to college.</p>
<p>A big part of college is learning that you can't do everything you "should" do and that what you do will not always be "perfect". The learning process involves figuring out what has to be done, what would be nice to get done, and what can be safely left undone. For example, at my daughter's college, the professors routinely assign more stuff to read than is possible. The students quickly learn to prioritize, starting with the main reading for discussion at the next class and working down the list, reading or skimming as time permits.</p>
<p>I do think that trying to take two lab science courses first semester freshman year is extremely challenging.</p>
<p>I do think that the adjustment to college level academics is difficult for just about every student. That's really normal. I wish all colleges were pass/fail for the first semester freshman year; it's a great way to break some perfectionist tendencies and reduce anxiety.</p>
<p>As for what you can do? I would try to back out of the situation. Your daughter calling home every day or several times a day is counterproductive. I would, however, make sure that she is aware of the support resources on campus: student mentor/tutors, psych services, and so forth. These support services help daughters just like yours every day on every campus in the country.</p>
<p>Another underutilized resource at colleges is the Resident Assistant/Advisor in the dorms. Many of them are studying to be counselors & some are grad students. Has she considered meeting with them as well? </p>
<p>For better or for worse, many of our perfectionists do learn that at some point, "good enough is enough." My kids have each gone thru this & I remember reaching that point in college & later grad school. Perhaps the Disabilities/Student Resource Center on campus can also help with these time management/perfectionist issues. I'm sure they've worked with them before as well.</p>
<p>At my son's college, the advisor met with each student & planned the schedule. They purposely plan a fairly "light" schedule so that the majority of the student's efforts can be directed toward adjusting to a new environment, finding a niche, etc. rather than "busting a gut" to keep up academically. In fact, they made all students retake calculus, tho all took AP calc in HS, so that course should be largely review. They take a writing course & a general ed course that corresponds with the writing course & an intro to engineering course. I'm sure I'm missing another course they're also taking, but it's all designed to be pretty managable.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, for a lot of kids, it seems like they forget to bring the most important thing to college- realistic expectations.</p>
<p>At the parents' component of the orientation for one of my sons they told us to expect that grades would drop off by at least 1/2 grade in the first semester. Honestly, most of the kids got nearly all or all A's and probably most will do so eventually, but the first semester is different. This is why some particularly challenging schools have Pass-Fail the first semester or two.</p>
<p>Another area where I think kids are just not realistic relates to friendships and relationships. The kids whom they knew in HS might be people they had years and years of history with. It is ridiculous to assume they will have 'real friends' in college, for several months at least. What I told my children was- it does an injustice to the friends and friendships you have had for the past 12 years if you think you will have friends who are equally tight in 1 or even 6 months. Give it time.</p>
<p>I think it is very important to explicitly tell your child that you want to hear from her, especially when she is not well or not happy. Set a fixed time to talk once/day for now--</p>
<p>She 'loves her college and her friends.' She doesn't have to love them, really- and she needs to hear that from you. This is a big adjustment, sometimes adjustments are a bit rocky in the beginning. It is normal to not feel everything is perfect. Tell her so.</p>
<p>How many credits is she taking? I agree that two science/lab classes can be very demanding? If she gets too stressed, maybe she could drop a class... as long as she doesn't go below 12 credits (usually the cut-off for full-time). My son is a freshman engineering major this sememster & I purposely encouraged him to take a light load (14 credits) so it would be easier to adjust. It helps that he has quite a few AP credits.
Anyway... just a thought!</p>
<p>I suspect that inadequate sleep is a contributing factor. A ROTC student who must get up early for physical training will fall apart if she attempts to maintain the kind of night-owl schedule that many of her non-ROTC classmates can get away with.</p>
<p>When you talk to her, you might want to suggest that she make a point of napping during the day if it is impossible to go to bed in the dorm early enough to get eight hours of sleep.</p>
<p>A good resource is "Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to the College Years" and CC, of course! Remember that you probably only hear from her when she needs support. Mood swings are common at that age and epidemic the first year of college before the friendship network stabilizes. Cell phones make it so cheap and convenient to call home, I think kids do it much more now.</p>
<p>When I went to college it was so hard to access a phone, my mood would have passed by the time I got to one and snail mail was cumbersome too. With IM, e-mail and cell phones, today's parents are hearing up-to-the-minute reports of every difficulty. My friends with daughters, especially, may hear from them several times a day. It doesn't necessarily mean today's college kids are unhappier than we were, but we, the parents, are much more accessible.</p>
<p>I'm going to add support to the argument that two labs may be too much, especially if she is taking more than 15 hours. My d is also pre-med and is only taking a Chem and a Calc this semester...with the Chem lab and a recitation for another class, she is at 14 hours and we think that is plenty for a freshman. Also, she purposely did not use AP credit for Chemistry or Calculus, so she wouldn't be forced into something overwhelming like Orgo her first year as well. And we made sure she picked a 'fun' class, in her case a philosophy class. </p>
<p>Med schools only require a certain number of lab sciences and maths and don't have specific degree requirement, so there should be plenty of time in 4 years to get those class requirements met. We had to emphasis to our overly ambitious daughter she didn't need to do it all in the first semester of her freshman year.</p>
<p>Additionally, one thing I noticed with my d is that her dorm room has become party central (they have a futon and a tv) and she seems to be up too late every night imo. Her attitude is still positive, but she seems sleep deprived. I guess this is natural as she figures out what her limits are and takes control of her own schedule. It sounds to me like your daughter's fatigue and the fact that she doesn't feel well is speaking more than anything else. No one is happy when they are ill. I'd definitely make sure she runs by the clinic to make sure the headache is nothing serious and that she doesn't need a round of antibiotics.</p>
<p>I am going to second Idmom06's suggestion to have her go to the clinic. several years ago, our family moved to Memphis, Tennessee. I was overwhelmed with moving, unpacking, getting two kids in school, etc and I complained of headaches and not feeling well -- and just wrote it off to sleep deprivation and stress. after a week, I did go to the doctor and found out I had a major sinus infection. The doctor told me that certain people were more prone to them in the Memphis area because of the humidity (or something like that). It is the only placed I have ever lived where I got a sinus infection -- I had several more over the years and so did my kids.</p>
<p>enough sleep, good stuff to eat and a quick check at the clinic will assure her that nothing is wrong physically and when you feel better, you can tackle the stress much better.</p>
<p>Perhaps your daughter could get some mentoring from older AFROTC students. They made it. How did they balance all of the demands on their schedules?</p>
<p>My son is in engineering and his roommate last year was premed. Neither of them had more than one lab science at a time, although engineers did have chem lab along with a computer lab. I think that concurrent bio and chem labs might be a little strenuous. OTOH, lots of kids take six classes, so maybe it does come down to prioritizing and letting go of the perfectionism. I like my husband's admonishment to me when I obsess about getting something just right, "Perfection is the enemy of Good Enough."</p>
<p>This a distinct area of concern for me as D is a pre-med, has tendencies toward "perfection-ism", and is taking 2 lab sciences, and two writing intensive courses (16 hours) and seems to playing varsity basketball and joining a sorority.:eek:</p>
<p>She is also an early riser, by choice, and has excellent study/time management skills. The "problems" she has had so far can all be traced back to the lack of sleep. Now that she is in a routine where she is asleep at the same time she was in high school, her mood is much more consistent.</p>
<p>At this point I am very happy her advisor (who is also her chem prof) , her pre-med advisor, and her bio advisor all suggested that even the best students NOT use their AP's in Bio or Chem intro courses if they planned science majors. The bio guy dang near insisted. D on her own felt she needed to take the writing course because that is her (comparatively) weakest area. </p>
<p>She has already had two quizzes and a two page paper due. Amazing. </p>
<p>D wants the bio and chem out of the way because she intends to take the MCAT after her sophomore year. (She plans to study abroad during fall semester , junior year.)</p>
<p>curmudgeon - your daughter sounds like mine...a generous helping of a little bit of everything on the plate.</p>
<p>I had to put my foot down yesterday when mine called and said she was going to check out UNC's competitive cheer squad. Our first disagreement. :-( But that sport can easily take up 20 hours a week. Instead she is looking into crew which is less time consuming especially for the novices. She is only 5'5", 120 lbs...so I don't know if she fits the crew profile. But she is strong as an ox from years of cheerleading/basing/tumbling, so maybe it will work out.</p>
<p>My d has her pre-med advising session soon I believe...I'll be interested to hear what they have to say about taking the MCAT. Seems wise to take it as near as possible to completion of lab classes. Did I hear correctly this is a test that can be taken only once?</p>
<p>Nope. The MCAT can be taken more than once. I think D's plan will be to take it at the end of the summer sophomore year (after a summer spent at St. Jude's -living on campus , alone- studying 24/7) so if she bombs , she can take it again her junior year. Our kids will take a new MCAT that is given many more times a year and now wholly on the computer. Of course, they always get the changed tests that nobody knows much about, don't they? LOL.</p>
<p>Five classes, two labs and ROTC does sound like a heavy schedule for a freshman. If it were my D, I would let her know that it's OK to drop a class.</p>
<p>My D sounds JUST like yours and is now a junior. Her extra activity is performing arts (ballet) and that, with all the rehearsal hours, along with a pre-med curriculum, nearly did her in 1st semester. We got the stressed out phone calls and felt just like you do--sometimes afraid to answer the phone! My husband and I would look af each other sometimes and say--"it's YOUR turn" to answer it.....
She is also on a full academic scholarship and feels she must maintain a pristine GPA (possible med school candidate too). Honestly, the first 2 semesters were fraught with drama due to her temporary meltdowns. Be prepared for some particularly rough phone calls from her during mid-terms and finals. She found herself mildly sick on occasion and she did start going to the health center as needed for sinus infections, etc, which also helped. Unfortunately, our suggestions to her to go to the counseling office went unheeded.</p>
<p>But there is good news here. She HAS learned to ratchet down her expectations of herself a bit--not easy for a chronic overachiever. And the key thing is she is slowly learning to manage her own stress levels better. She recognizes her triggers and is definitely preparing herself in a much more mature way....ie, disciplining herself to skip the social or sorority event to guarantee she is overprepared for a test. The dramatic phone calls have lessened even though her schedule is still crazy and her grades better than ever.</p>
<p>She probably will always be a type-A personality...that's just her. But she has matured enough to understand herself alot better. Admittedly, I had a hard time with hearing all this "dumping" the 1st year, but throughout her meltdowns, we continued to remind her that she WILL manage through it, that less than an "A" IS okay, and generally reassured her that she will be fine, no matter the outcome. Now she's starting to believe it.</p>
<p>I sent quite a few care packages that 1st year, with cards of encouragement and inspiration..."believe in yourself" kind of things. We sent emails with jokes to lighten her mood. We sent her articles about the less fortunate so she could keep better perspective on what's really important in life and for her to look outside her little "college bubble" to get the broader perspective.
We continually reminded her that college wasn't a race--that there was no requirement she HAD to take all the classes she was taking...that it was perfectly fine to scale back on what she was doing. (She never did, but I think our telling her it was okay took some of the pressure off.)</p>
<p>Now when a potential meltdown is brewing, we can remind her how she conquered the other challenges she'd faced....Organic Chemistry for one!
She's built a repetoire of experiences that she can draw from for some instant internal fortitude. </p>
<p>Getting there wasn't easy. We worried, quite alot, about how she was coping. But the maturation process is a beautiful thing. She's learned lessons that will serve her well wherever her future takes her.</p>
<p>And your daughter will too. All you can do is keep being her cheerleader, point her in the right direction of on-campus resources, and know that she WILL come out the other side stronger and more self reliant than ever.
You sound like a supportive parent and THAT will make all the difference.</p>
<p>curioser, what a great post! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Some do make it out the other side.</p>
<p>"Of course, they always get the changed tests that nobody knows much about, don't they?"</p>
<p>But of course! I gotta check and see if mine doesn't have 'guinea pig' stamped across her forehead. </p>
<p>Sounds like your d has good plan in place re: MCAT/med school. I don't know if mine is absolutely certain about med school as the end goal. She loves labs, dissecting stuff (ick) and study of the human body...and she sponges that stuff up. So it seems like that is where she is headed. But she is very quick and articulate (and pretty fearless) and it's hard to win an argument with her...perfect lawyer material...lol! And she does have interest in law that has been nurtured by her uncle. She can't declare a major until sophomore year and it may be she ends up majoring is psychology or philosophy while completing med school requirements. I guess she'll know what she wants when she knows...and not a moment before. At least she is letting us know what she does not want... business, economics, engineering...all my husband's favorites...lol! (I told him he should have never told her that and if he wants our son to follow in his footsteps, he'd better keep his mouth shut...)</p>
<p>Definitely have your daughter check out the possibility of a sinus infection at the clinic, and also try to have her get on a regular schedule so she is getting enough rest and enough sleep. </p>
<p>But also you might want to ask her about when, what and how she is eating. If she is feeling so stressed and always in a rush , she might be grabbing a poptart and a cola to carry her over til the next meal, etc.--and having a series of suigar highs-and-lows. My experience with my sons has been that 2 of the 3 get terrible headaches if they sugar binge. Make sure she is eating a healthy diet with enough protein. And make sure hse is making time to do a few things she enjoys that are relxing for her--maybe a bit of yoga or meditation just to relax.</p>
<p>Good luck to her and to you too. It's always hardest on the moms!</p>