Opinions on personal statement

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of California - GENERAL
1

<p>Hey guys! I just finished a rough draft of one of my personal statements for the UC app. The prompt is:
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Here’s my essay (442 words): </p>

<p>Hard work, dedication, failure, and persistence are all roots to success. These first 18 years of my life have been filled with learning experience that will substantially impact my future. Coming from a city with a fair amount of successful families, I have come to realize the importance of an education and the results of hard work. My hometown of Palos Verdes is home to many great schools and fortunately, I was taught at an early to take advantage of every opportunity in class. I have seen the ghettos, the lives wasted, and the lifestyles of many impoverished families. This is something I do not want; neither would anybody else. This is my motivation to pursue a high level of diligence in all aspects of life whether it would be in the classroom or in my community. My parents have had a colossal impact on my work ethic. Their hard work and perseverance leading to the life they are able to give me is what drives me to pursue my ideal future. There have been many times when I have fallen down and from personal experience, I can say that the road back to normality is not a walk in the park. During the winter of my sophomore year, I fractured my ankle right before the beginning of my track and field season. The road to recovery was difficult because I had to not only rest and heal my ankle, but I also had to stay in tip-top condition for the team. In the end, I was not only able to recover in time for season, but I was in better shape compared to the time when I got hurt. The process was grueling, however it was all worth it because my perseverance had great outcomes. This serves as a testament to who I am, what I want to be, and what I want to show to others going through a struggle. My injury was a turning point because it helped me determine what I wanted to be in the future. After many visits to the doctor, I grasped an interest in physiology and anatomy. As an NBA fan, the 2013 season was filled with many injuries and I found myself researching and learning more about certain aspects of the body. My work ethic, diligence, and perseverance are key characteristics when it comes to pursuing a career in medicine. The University of California system is a prestigious group of schools that can better prepare me for the next level of education than any other university. My qualities could be a great addition to the continually growing prestige of the Universities of California. </p>

<p>Hopefully you read the whole thing and are now reading this, but thank you. I know there are some grammatical, but again I just rushed through this and posted it. Spelling will be fixed. I just want feedback on my ideas, organization, relation to the prompt, etc. Feedback is tremendously appreciated!</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>You really shouldn’t be posting your personal statement so freely on the internet. At least utilize private messages. Since it’s here already though…I don’t really know what you can do about it; maybe a moderator will delete it. I think it’s great that you are getting started on this so early. There’ll be lots of time to edit. As for the essay itself, I find it a bit conceited for my taste. As a reader, this is what I’m getting out of it:</p>

<p>-I’m from a very successful neighborhood. I always got to go to great schools, and therefore am hardworking (and therefore, I should also go to a great university).
-But then there are these ghettos I see. I would never want to be like the people who live there and waste my life. That’s beneath me. My parents worked hard to put me in such a great position so obviously, I should get into college. Also, this affected me a lot, but I won’t get into detail about it.
-Oh and I fractured my ankle. This was such a life changing event because it took a long time to recover and demonstrates my great perseverance. This was the struggle of my life.
-Because I had this injury, I went to the doctor’s office a lot and suddenly got inspired to become a doctor. Somehow, being an ankle fracture patient has given me deep insight into the field of medicine and how I can change people’s lives. Because I have met a doctor on numerous occasions, I now know what the field of medicine and why I should become a doctor (though I will remain coy about this and only mention that I have a sudden passion for physiology and anatomy).
-I also researched my new passion by being a NBA fan. I watched, intensely, an entire season of basketball just to find out how the body works.
-Finally, the University of California is such a prestigious school, it can do amazing things for me…and it should, because I can bring more prestige to the school for the reasons above. </p>

<p>Okay, so that may be a very condescending way to put it, I admit…but you do realize how silly this all sounds right? As a reader, I’ve learned nothing about your family, school, or community…other than the fact that you’ve had it pretty good growing up. I think this statement ultimately lacks a clear focus. You still have time though as this is only your rough draft, so go back and really think. Be sure to ask qualified individuals for help (your teachers, counselors, admission officers, ect), not random people on the internet. Good luck.</p>