Options for student not able to attend school in the Fall

Parents Forum
1

My child accepted to a large university for Fall. We paid deposit & rooming deposit already. She has had anxiety issues in the past but now it has reached an all time high. Her panic attacks are now debilitating. This is getting very scary with her panic attacks lasting hours. She is sleeping in bed with me about 4 nights a week.

She is a top student graduating in top 10 (out of 500) & received multiple merit scholarships from about 8 universities. We can afford around $20,000 a year out of pocket with small loans & savings. So the merit scholarships are a must.

She is in therapy and MAYBE she can head off to school still in the Fall. I checked and her university will allow a gap year for documented health reasons. The wording makes it seem that she can keep her merit scholarships.

The university she has accepted is a 6 hour drive. She is saying she wants to be closer to home now.

So, can anyone let me know what some of our options are? Such as can she take a gap year and then reapply and still be eligible for merit scholarships at colleges closer to home next year?

Will any of the colleges we turned down this year still be available next year?

I want to have a plan B (& plan C& D& E) available to figure out her options. I’m going to guess it’s about 80% likely she won’t be heading off to school this Fall.

Thanks.

2

Anxiety and depression are very common, both in general and among US high school students. The insane amount of stress that we put on our high school students contributes to making this problem much worse. It also appears that this might be more common among very smart and very high achieving students.

Has she started on medication? Our medical profession has gotten a lot better at dealing with anxiety and depression. The difference between an untreated and a properly treated student can be enormous. Psychiatric medication takes a while to kick in (perhaps a couple of months). Also, the first medication is not always the right one and it can take longer to figure out the best combination. However, there is a good chance that she will be much improved by September.

Unfortunately if she has not yet started on medication, then it can take a while just to find a psychiatrist to prescribe them.

Definitely you need to get the anxiety issue straightened out before you figure out the next step. I would be inclined to see how things have progressed by August, and if she is not ready for university then defer for a year for medical reasons.

“Will any of the colleges we turned down this year still be available next year?”

Other than taking a deferral, I doubt there are any guarantees. However, if she takes a gap year then for next year she will be applying with the same superb stats that she had when she applied for this year.

I know that this stage is scary. It is however, very highly likely that you will be able to get this straightened out and that your daughter will be doing very well soon. Whether this will happen by September or if it will take another year is hard to predict, but life is not a race and we aren’t all rushing to get to the end of it anyway.

3

“Such as can she take a gap year and then reapply and still be eligible for merit scholarships at colleges closer to home next year? Will any of the colleges we turned down this year still be available next year?”

Yes, she is likely to have similar options if she reapplies next year. There is no hurry. Prioritize her health and don’t worry about school for now.

4

My daughter is deferring grad school for a year for similar reasons. College may be different, but she was told the school would hold her place, but that she’d need to reapply for financial aid and scholarships and that she wouldn’t be guaranteed the same amount. She will also need to submit a form from a doctor saying she is cleared to begin her studies. All of this is a small price to pay for mental health. You have my sympathy.

5

My daughter has been out two years for the same reason. She tried community college twice and it didn’t work. She is trying again this summer. If it works she is going to apply again this fall. We are trying for a small college that has an on-site therapist that is readily available and lots of personalized help. I’m hoping she will eventually be able to go to Schreiner College. She had a scholarship at Abilene Christian but turned it down. She may apply there again, not sure. He little brother is off to Kansas State this fall so I think that may have made her thing. She is back on meds so that may help. She has major depressive disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder plus anxiety. I don’t want her to go until we are sure she can handle it. Good luck.

6

College can wait. It can wait one year…two years…five years or more.

Right now, the top priority is your daughter’s health. Getting that figured out can NOT wait.

If she defers at her current college choice…can she apply to others for 2018-2019?

If she takes a gap year, she will be applying as a first year student next year…or whenever.

7

Yes, her health is emphatically more important than college. Therapy/mental health help needs to be a priority. Put off talk of college and defer if necessary, without any fanfare, complaint, disappointment, or regret. I’m sure she is a complex and wonderful person, and going to college next year does not define who she is. The most important thing for her is to know is that she is loved (and she obviously is). A low-stress job or volunteering would be great. I think nature is a great tonic. Are outdoor activities something she enjoys? Has access to? If she does defer, I’d suggest not even discussing college, unless she brings it up or has questions, until at least the spring of next year. A year off seems like a long time, but we’ve done it, and it really is a blip. You and your daughter can feel pride that you are handling things in a way that works for your family.

One thing to consider: if she goes to school before she is ready, it can cost a lot of money and put her behind the 8 ball if her grades suffer. On the other hand, a deferral is just time off. Good luck!

8

One thing to add: Your job right now is to support your daughter, provide a safe and comfortable home, and get her to the appropriate medical experts. Your job is NOT to be a medical expert. She needs to feel safe and loved while she recovers, and she should understand that she is not at fault and she does not have to recover according to any particular timetable. Whenever she recovers and feels ready (and she will) then her great high school grades will still be there and the universities will still be there and will still be looking for smart students.

9

Do you have a community college that she could go to even part time in the future? Take a year, two years, however long it takes for her to feel better under doctor’s care. If you can pay 20k out of pocket then she will be able to go to college somewhere at some point but maybe your closest option would be better. Spend time with activities she likes, volunteer at an animal shelter etc. And don’t worry about it.

10

You may need to be careful on the community college classes. I’m afraid taking them may endanger her status as a freshman applicant to other colleges. There may be non credit courses (here they have enrichment type courses) for community outreach that would be interesting and safe.

11

@tryingin2017 - I wanted to offer you a hug as I found myself in the same boat with my daughter several years ago. We missed the signs of anxiety in her until it came to a head during her senior year and especially the summer approaching her freshman year of college. In retrospect we could see it had been brewing for some time.

I called her college a week before her freshman year and told the Dean of Students that I really didn’t think she was going to make it there. He said to take it one day at a time, that stress and anxiety wasn’t too uncommon in first year students.

Besides getting her to a psychiatrist and starting her on medication that summer, I took her to her college a couple of times in the weeks preceding the start of the year. We walked around and got very familiar with the school. We met people in the student health/mental health department and also arranged for a couple of appointments during her first week there.

She did end up attending on time. I visited a few times over the first two months, so she would know that there was a visit coming up soon. She facetimed us as needed and yes, there were tears but she made it through. She ended up completing her college time and we all survived. It was rough at times but it did get better.

Good luck!

12

Is there a university within a close distance of your home to which she was accepted but declined admission and that is affordable for your family? It might be possible that they would reinstate her. Otherwise, if she needs time to sort things out, take it. College isn’t going anywhere. Good luck!

13

I want to support what vandygrad wrote. This is generally called an “adjustment disorder” which means it is situational and related to the coming transition. In some ways, going along with this panic about the transition can make things worse, because it validates the fears.

I know several teens who were having this kind of problem in late senior year (including one of my own, who was actually in the hospital) who went on to college in the fall, and did okay- sometimes with homesickness or anxiety in the first half of freshman year, but later thriving. Even elite schools have many students with anxiety and depression, and accommodations are available.

I also know one student who went to college but deferred to the next year while in the middle of moving in. And one who deferred, did a wilderness program, and did fine in college once he went. There is a wide variety.

I don’t think your daughter needs to be completely “better” to go to college in the fall.

I would treat this like a Nantucket sleighride. Tell your daughter you are going to stick with her and help her make the first year work no matter what. And if she wants to leave, she can. Get tuition refund insurance, and nail down a diagnosis that can be used with that. Visit the disabilities office, request accommodations, write a letter with a list of desired accommodations and have a professional sign it and submit. Investigate therapists near or at the school.

For kids who have trouble with transitions, it can be enormously helpful to visit the school during the summer, once or even twice. Go see the dorm, do the tour again, eat at the dining hall, build familiarity.

The day you leave her, don’t leave town. Spend as much as a week in the location of the school, being available. Visit frequently until she has adjusted, and “let” her come home as she can.

Present this to her as a gentle slope of a transition not a jump of a cliff.

Leaving home is huge. This reaction is very understandable. By all means get her treatment but chances are she WILL be able to go. Give it some time and don’t try to make big decisions right now. Hoping she can finish high school without the stress of worry-- let her know she is in control.

14

Thanks everyone for your advice & especially for your kind words.

I will be re reading everything over & over.

I’ll update soon.

15

Has your daughter already graduated? Or is she still facing final exams/papers/projects, and bittersweet parting ceremonies? If her senior year isn’t completely over yet, she might feel better after it is.

16

Please do and feel free to PM me at any time. This was enormously stressful for me as a parent and I made some real mistakes in how I handled it, but DD is 22 now, graduated early and is doing pretty well. She is still prone to anxiety, especially around transitions, but she is doing better at coping as she goes along.

17

I don’t want to be out of line, but is she on any medications? I have had anxiety issues (pretty severe at times, but I made it through college). I also, later on in life, had one full blown panic attack which was the scariest and most horrible event in my life - I truly thought I was dying. I don’t think people understand how debilitating and emotionally draining these experiences can be - it took me three days to physically recover from that one panic attack - the body isn’t equipped to withstand all those physiological stressors (google catecholamines). What helped me was taking a med called a beta blocker that blocks the release of adrenaline so that the uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety (racing heart, shortness of breath, flushing, etc) aren’t felt (even though the thoughts and attitudes that cause them still remain). It is not an addictive drug nor does it have neurological effects like antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. It might be something to look at in combination with therapy. Oftentimes, once the troubling symptoms decrease, then the fears behind the anxiety decrease also.

Also, I’d also like for you to know that there are some folks that just have an exaggerated and excessive adrenaline response and have anxiety like symptoms when encountering normal situations in everyday life that wouldn’t bother most people. I’m one of those people and my situation is associated with a minor heart defect called a Mitral Valve Prolapse - the medical community can’t really explain the connection, but it is more common than most people realize. I suffered through high school and college before I learned about the connection. There are also other medical conditions that mimic anxiety and panic attacks (for example, thyroid problems) – so I would suggest a complete physical to rule out any medical explanations. Also definitely have her try reducing her caffeine intake if she drinks sodas/coffee, caffeine and other stimulants can make things worse for people with anxiety.

I wish your daughter the best. She is not alone.

18

As a parent dealing with this, my unasked for advice is:

Listen to your daughter and your gut. If she wants to be closer to home then try to make it work. Being close enough to be able to help can make a huge difference. Just be able to come home or knowing you can go home can really help.

Understand as an high achiever that she is likely to have extremely high and likely unrealistic GPA goals for college. This resulting stress and anxiety can be overwhelming. I have no answers but just be prepared for it.

It can take a very long time to find the right medicine and the right dose. For us it took about nine months for the long term medicine and about two months for the short term medicines. From what you wrote, being stable by September might not be doable. However only your doctor and therapist can give you a realistic idea.

As you spend time on this board, you will be shocked at how common this issue is.

19

I wanted to give a quick update.

We got medication fixed, Intense therapy over the summer, and made detailed plans. Those panic attacks of hers were so scary to watch. The change in medication helped & she stopped having them.

She did make it to her out of state school & she started out very well. The advice I got from posts here & from her therapist has made it work out.

Are things perfect? No. But she is making it work & she is actually having a good time at school. She is homesick but she has a great roommate & she is keeping herself busy. I told her she should give it a full year before she makes any academic changes.

I wanted to update so not only those who posted would see how it’s turning out, but also for those who are experiencing this in the future.

20

Thanks for the update. So happy she was able to get her anxiety under control and went off to school. Hoping things continue to go well for her.