<p>We just got home from my son's orientation and I cannot believe the amount of energy that parents had about 'where did your kids apply' / 'where did they get accepted'. I thought we were past that. They were also very into talking about how smart their kids are. At one point, at a lunch table, when they turned to me, I simply said that perhaps my son didn't fit in with all their brilliant kids (apparently their kids never studied, were all valedictorians, have patents, etc.). I know that's probably inappropriate, but geez oh man, we're supposed to be about getting ready to launch our kids into college, the selection process is done. I'm busy reading 'Letting Go' and figuring out my life after he leaves.</p>
<p>Also, I learned that many students still were unclear as to where they were going to college. Several had 'double deposited' or were waiting on 'wait lists'. I didn't get into whose decision it was to delay the process (student or parents), but it sure seems to me that this would make it even more difficult for the student to transition to college. </p>
<p>Have others had this experience? When we go back for the drop-off and the parents reception, any advice on what to say when this comes up again? </p>
<p>FYI, this is a college that is probably listed on USNWR in the #40 - #60 range, not one of 'the best of the best' but not a slouch either.</p>
<p>I'd worry that with all the double depositing, students aren't committed to the place and it seems a little late for that. Maybe it's more a problem of the parents, though, than the students. What did your s. have to say about the kids he met? They're the ones he'll be living with, so the parents attitudes/behavior, while surprising, may not mean much.</p>
<p>I was curious which college this is, but can understand if you don't want to post the name.</p>
<p>Our s's orientation was in the days preceding the beginning of the semester, so you're not likely to have that kind of ambivalence with that arrangement. Kids have moved into the dorm, families are there to drop off and attend a couple of orientation sessions, and say good-by. Maybe that's a better way to do it. I only ran into one parent that even discussed his d's other choice (the one he wished she'd taken, obviously) - people were excited and happy to be there.</p>
<p>apple17 - I'd consider you far ahead of the other parents. The faster you move out of selection mode, the faster you can take pride in the experience your child is about to have. It sounds like you're there and the others aren't.
Odds are if they are still in selection mode, they haven't done enough research or think the schools are so drastically different there is going to be a major difference in the outcomes the schools offer. Truth is, it means they are less prepared than you and your son.</p>
<p>Your mind was at Orientation and their wasn't. Their loss. good luck with everything and I wish your son the best. :)</p>
<p>My 2 sons attend very different sorts of colleges- one hippie-esque and the other preppy-Lexus. What I noticed was how underdressed and coiffed I felt compared with one group of parents, and how approachable I found the others. Funny, my sons have found it the same way (though I never articulated this to them)in terms of their classmates. My point being, if the parents are still competing/one-upping, the kids will be too....might be worth talking with your child about your observations.</p>
<p>Actually, when we came home, I was telling this to my husband, and my son chimed in that some of the kids were doing something similar. He was struck with the variety of personalities of the kids. I guess his roommate was 'the partier', there were 'the nerds', ready to play video games, there were 'the status seekers', ready to talk about which schools accepted them and their accomplishments, 'the townies' who came from close by, and 'the normal kids', like him (don't we all define normal as ourselves??). </p>
<p>My S has always been good at knowing who he is and choosing appropriate friends, so I have little worry about him getting caught up in this. We started the selection process late (last September) and on April 28th, I told my son he had to choose and reminded him that any college he picked from his acceptances would be fine. On May 1st, it was a done deal. College picked, deposit sent. That's history in our house. </p>
<p>I just was really surprised that parents (and, I guess, kids) were still in this mode. I think it's a shame. If anyone has suggestions for good responses, I would appreciate it.</p>
<p>I thnk the best approach is to try to ignore it and keep going with your own more positive approach, which sounds just right; once you settle on a school you are supposed to be happy with it and start identifying with it, which seems to have happened in your household. Possibly by move-in time the other kids and their parents will have adjusted their attitudes appropriately and start to think of themselves as part of a new community. (It is very late to stil be holding out waitlist hopes.) I haven't experienced the situation you describe and am sorry to hear about it--neither of my children's schools had orientations prior to the orientation that accompanied move-in-time, and at those orientations everyone was delighted to be where they were (or certainly putting up a very good front) and becoming part of the college community. Hopefully that will be the case next time you are at the college.</p>
<p>"I simply said that perhaps my son didn't fit in with all their brilliant kids..."</p>
<p>apple, you and I share the same sense of humor. I wonder if any of those clods got it? I can't think of a better response. After all, you really don't want to pal around with the status-seeking braggarts.</p>
<p>I agree that orientation should be about THIS college not the also rans. But I can understand how parents could be bonding like battle-scarred veterans of the admissions wars.There certainly is a type of parents whose conversation points are always "how smart my kid is"--well, you're not going to have to live with those parents or even ever see them again until graduation--when you can ask "Where did your son apply to med school, law school, grad school, etc.?"</p>
<p>it may not have been a "competition" but rather part of them coming to terms with where their kid ended up. </p>
<p>i knew a kid who got rejected at a lot of top schools and felt he was "settling" when he accepted admission at a really fine school that just wasn't one of the ivies' he'd had his heart set on. after he attended the orientation and heard about how many kids there had also been ivy rejects, or better yet had rejected an ivy, he (and his parents) suddenly felt better - ie their description of the school changed from one they referred to as a school that "only ranked #X" (an expression they used during the application process), to rather a school with a lot of "ivy caliber kids who just hadn't gone to an ivy." </p>
<p>yea, it can be insulting to someone for whom that school was a happy first choice, but it was part of his dealing with it. two years later he is a happy enthusiastic supporter of the school who himself would be insulted by anyone who didn't regard it as a top school.</p>
<p>I agree it seems late in the game to be bragging about where you got accepted. Perhaps it is like the frustrated old athlete reliving his/her youth through which scholarships their kids get?</p>
<p>Sometimes I wish we didn't even have a ranking system for colleges. Just give me a fully accredited college that has a strong history of educating and placing its graduates into society and careers and let the kids pick the one they like the best.</p>
<p>I admit I had a lot of fun at others expense when I ran into this-
I can't excuse it, other than there was a lot of tension and it was a way to release it I guess.
My daughters school is quite rigoruous, and we were very happy she was accepted, but I hadnt really realized until the orientation, that some kids actually had wanted to attend Yale/UChicago/Columbia
So when parents asked me where else she applied/was accepted, I told them!
I was frank that Evergreen ( an instate public school, that has kinda a "counter culture thang goin on) had been her first choice until recently.
That Reed was the only private school she had applied to & that the only other out of state school was U of O .
If they asked for more details, I was frank that the only way she could have attended was if she was awarded a significant grant and that the whole process was a bit overwhelming to us, since neither of us had attended college.
Oh lawdy- I admit I rubbed it in a bit, but you could jsut see them making calculations " did we make a mistake?"</p>
<p>I want to add that in retrospect, I think the comparision is part of the decompression process and is normal.</p>
<p>I remember when we bought our house, I 2nd guessed it, as well as every time I gave up the opportunity to buy another house for a great price.</p>
<p>Afterall(college) it is a huge investment in time, money and emotion, and you want to feel like you can live with the decision, especially when it wasn't a case of " this is my first choice school" like it was for our daughter, but a case of " well this isn't my first choice, but it is as close as I am going to get".
Weve seen that most students who are attending even their "safety" schools, do eventually find that they really love them, and are happy they are there, but it takes a while for their parents.</p>
<p>I usually avoid "opportunities" to "get to know" people I will only be with for 45 minutes and then never see again. But sometimes it can't be avoided, in which case I look around for the oldest people in the room, on the theory that there is a good chance that they may be thinking about which restaurant to go to for dinner instead of where their kid's college is ranked in U.S. News.</p>
<p>I'm afraid we've got ways to go in the competitive-parents' game. The next phase is -- kids' summer internship/programs/travel. I've noticed it among many parents -- same people for whom the college admission process was a competitive sport. Now they're exchanging the latest on their kids' internship at Knopf or Dreamworks; intense language/art program in Oaxaca; volunteering in medical clinics in Kenya & Nepal or running errands for the governor... G-d help us all.</p>
<p>"... in which case I look around for the oldest people in the room, on the theory that there is a good chance that they may be thinking about which restaurant to go to for dinner..."</p>
<p>Thanks for that, 1down. I plan to take your advice while on the college hunt, then orientation for our third and last.</p>
<p>Well, Apple, you make me happy I won't be attending my daughter's orientation. ;) (It doesn't happen until the week before school starts in any case). </p>
<p>I do think that if your kid is attending the sort of mid-first tier school that is frequently used as a safety for more prestigious schools, you will find that many people have a hard time letting go of their dreams. My son found when he started at his LAC that most of the kids he met were still stinging from their rejections from Yale & Harvard; many were already planning their transfer apps.</p>
<p>I'm sorry that so many people are double-depositing -- it may be a problem for colleges in the fall if there is a substantial fall off between the numbers who said they would come and the numbers who arrive on campus.</p>
<p>One of the sad facts of life is that some schools fill up with people who really, truly wish they were somewhere else, and believe a mistake was made in their case.</p>
<p>It is this reality that leads to Tufts syndrome.......you just decide you might be better off as an institution with a possibly slightly-less-academically-stellar matriculant who is happy to be there than with someone frantically looking for escape routes. Plus, it helps your yield :)</p>
<p>Actually, you're more likely to get "stars" who want to come if you've got a student body really happy to be there. I have read, and believe, that how a kid perceives the enthusiasm of the tour guide and other students met during a visit and thereafter is the most important factor offered by the kids in influencing their college choice--it certainly seems to be working out that way for my oldest daughter.</p>
<p>Calmom, I don't know why you're not going, but I don't know that I found out anything new at the orientation:</p>
<ol>
<li> We went to 5 or so accepted student events, and my impression is that most schools do things pretty much the same way (at least the schools we visited).</li>
<li> The info at the orientation wasn't much different than the accepted student events.</li>
<li> Reading 'letting go' answered my questions better regarding what to expect as we move forward.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>In reading the responses here, I suppose there were many students / parents that were still 'smarting' from rejections. We were pretty realistic as to where my S would get admitted and he refused to take SAT IIs, so that ruled out applying 'too high'. Thanks for the perspective. I'll try to be more tolerant.</p>
<p>"I look around for the oldest people in the room, on the theory that there is a good chance that they may be thinking about which restaurant to go to for dinner instead of where their kid's college is ranked in U.S. News."</p>