I am struggling to stay on the sidelines as my S works on his college applications. I need support to stay strong! I SO want to read his essays. I SO want to provide feedback on his activities and honors lists. Are there other parents out there who find it harder each day to only provide encouragement as Nov 1st draws near? He has shared the drive all his essays are on and his common app so I have immediate access when he does ask for me to review. Although I desperately want to see where he’s at with his essays, he has asked me not to review them until he is finished. I almost wish I didn’t have the access! Intellectually I know this is his application, not mine, and to respect his wishes, but it is SO hard to watch without helping! With all the “helicoptering” being reported I thought I’d put a thread out there for those us sitting on the sidelines. I hope I’m not alone…
This is CC so you might be.
Oh no !!!
Stay strong!!! I totally let both of my kids run with their college application process and they are now very successful, happy, well adjusted college students at the universities that they belong!!! My daughter even called me last year ( her sophomore year) and thanked me for letting/making her do it on her own!!! She was working for the dean of the Honors College where she goes to school and she was having to take call after call from parents with what she thought were ridiculous questions. She was confused by why the students weren’t calling. She worked from 2-5 so it was hours that high school kids could have called themselves.
My opinion is it depends on the kid. If you know your kid is a good story teller then sit on your hands until he needs a final proof read. But if your kid is not a good story teller or incapable of self promotion, I would ask for a preview. Applying to college might be the single hardest thing he does and could have consequences that follow him the rest of his life. We all do our best work in collaboration and even geniuses need someone to bang their ideas off of. I think you know your kid best so you must decide but whatever you do, I would recommend being upfront with him and avoid the temptation of sneaking behind his back.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son, and he trusts you. It is extremely important to maintain that trust – even more important than helping to ensure a quality college application. He has asked you not to review the essays until they’re done. I think you have to honor that. If his school has a strong college guidance program, you can take comfort in that he is probably getting review and input from his college advisor. If his college guidance program is not-so-great, I think it would be fair to give him gentle encouragement to finish his essays soon, so you can review them and give him feedback, and so that he can also put them down for a few days and then review them again with fresh eyes before submitting.
You deserve to feel proud that your son is “owning” this process. Be proud of the relationship you have with your son, and be patient! Yeah, it’s hard. I’m struggling with the same battle. Good luck!
Nope, sorry. We were very involved. Our kids went to the public high schools. We did not have private counselors available to provide guidance of the kind that neighbors with kids at private schools were getting. We paid sweat equity instead. I am not sorry that we helped to research schools that they might want to consider. We talked a lot about their personal and professional objectives and what kind of school environment would be the best ‘fit.’ We discussed essay ideas and who would write the best letter of recommendations. They wrote their own essays and filled out the applications - but we proofread everything, gave detailed feedback on the essays, set up spreadsheets to track what had been sent out where and when and whether it had been received. We did the same for scholarships.
If our kids hadn’t been applying to selective schools we could have been much more hands off. If the application process were more straightforward, with fewer moving parts, ditto. If our kids were demanding that we stay out, we would have. But both kids saw the value of our support and asked for it.
Today, one is applying for medical school residencies (still asked us to read his essay, by the way.) The other is getting her Phd and we haven’t understood a word that she’s written since her sophomore year of college. They are independent adults in spite of all that support. Might they have achieved full independence sooner if we’d let them do it all by themselves? Maybe. But I think part of their success is because we helped them avoid feeling overwhelmed early on by the process. There are no prizes for achieving independence a year or two faster either. Most countries and cultures don’t expect their young adults to navigate alone so quickly - or make the college application process so difficult.
I don’t fault anyone who choses to be hands off with their kids. It’s a personal decision that depends a lot on family values, family dynamics, the kids’ personality, the schools they want to apply to, family resources, etc…But CC exists because so many people feel the complexity is beyond them and they need more support in ways both large and small.
@SoccerMomGenie: If I could hit that “like” button endlessly, I would.
@KathleenA : Oh he totally knows I dying to see them! He is a strong essay writer and he did ask me to review his common app and essay for an Oct 15th deadline. But that wasn’t his top choice school and he was going to do a lot of work on it before Nov 1st. He’s working on them and will get them reviewed at school. It’s more my desire to do the typical “control” thing 
I really want him to, as I’m sure everyone does, get into his top school!
Luckily I didn’t know about CC when my older D applied to colleges without a word from me, other than what little she asked, so I didn’t know I was a bad parent. She got into a range of colleges-public, private LAC, small and large. She did it without the incredible intensity seen here as well-she was good, average student who worked rather do more than a couple of EC’s. I try to remember that as I get caught up in the hovering I’m tempted to do with my younger D.
I’m involved to the point of researching things like financial aid and finding out complex information, but D has done all the work on where to go and why. She DOES ask us to review things sent, but only because we’re both writers. She’s put together a good list and while I wish she’d get apps done a bit faster, she’s met the EA deadlines so far.
Since he is a strong essay writer, resist the temptation! Think of it as a christmas gift sitting under the tree. Of course you could unwrap it early but where is the fun in that? And when he does finally let you read them make a big deal of it, you need to cherish every exciting moment with him before he’s off to college!
@sseamom I’m trying so hard not to hover! I too did not know about CC when my other three applied to schools and was not nearly so nervous as I am now. He is applying to highly selective schools and has the credentials for them, I just so want to micro-manage the process! I think CC is therapeutic for me. He will have us review everything and he is on top of it, but the selective schools part make it really really competitive. He does have a good GC and goes to a great public high school. I guess I’ll just have to wait. I’ll go work on the CSS…
“Although I desperately want to see where he’s at with his essays, he has asked me not to review them until he is finished.”
In my opinion, this is more a case of the poster not being able to discipline herself rather than the kid having a problem and needing help. Stop shaking the Christmas presents.
It sounds like when he needs your input, he asks for it. I’m not a hands-off parent; I think it takes a village to get a kid to the optimal school paying the optimal amount for an optimal outcome. This does not mean I hijack the kid’s own abilities or unilaterally go against their wishes-that’s not optimal.
You should be fifth gear, not first gear.
@KathleenA same time post, same thought, lol.
Not even trying to stay on the sidelines. This is a huge decision that I’m on the hook for financially. My son had a polite disagreement as to the purpose/path of the essay with his English teacher. In his school, the essay is considered a graded piece of formal writing, so it impacts the grade in junior year as a draft, and again in senior year in its final form. My son came to me with his draft and his teacher’s comments, feeling very confused because the teacher was telling something different than I told him, than his GC told him, than the colleges told him, and his common sense told him. I agreed with my son, disagreed with the teacher and stepped in. Final essay was great. All his work, none of mine except the final read, which turned out to be unnecessary anyway.
Kudos to the kids who recognize the need to drive this process. But in this increasingly competitive arena a set of older adult eyeballs on the materials is well advised. The student should use all their resources to present the best application possible.
My son wrote two essays for common app, and he let me read them and asked my opinion which one he should use. Then he chose the one I advised against. Now he is at his dream school. I guess the moral is: get involved as much or as little as you and your child feel comfortable with, but eventually it is the child’s application.
Personally, I think your son is being mean! He shares the drive with you and then say “don’t look”? It sounds like you and your son have a good working relationship and you trust each other. That’s great.
My child just didn’t allow me access to anything - essay, common app account, ACT account. It was very easy for me to be hands-off. I had no clue what was going on except for what she told me. That said, we worked together to get the applications out and we discussed a schedule for submitting the applications (early, very early). I did administrative and parenty stuff - fill out transcript requests, write checks and entered my credit card # as needed. I also bought a huge six-month calendar which she took into her room and marked all the important dates. She emailed and called her schools, set up interviews herself (I didn’t know until I heard her talking in her room).
The moment she hit the submit button for her last school, she turned to me and asked “You want to read my essay now?”
I’m very glad that my son came to me because I think taking his teacher’s advice would have had a huge negative impact on his applications, so I commend him for knowing that something wasn’t right and seeking guidance. He’s still 16 years old and not fully cooked and I don’t expect him to have all the answers.
^^ Right. If the child comes to you for help or advice, be there for him. That’s not helicoptering or taking over the process. That’s just plain parenting.