@lostaccount I see what you’re saying about “earning”, as it does carry a connotation of entitlement. However, that doesn’t make their achievement any less impressive. Sure, other people might have equally deserved it, but so did those who got in. There are thousands of people who’ve done work worth of a Nobel Prize, but only a few are chosen. Now, this doesn’t invalidate the work of the others nor does it invalidate the achievement of the laureate. To quote South Park, “the world isn’t one big liberal arts campus”. College acceptances are achievements and people should be happy and it’s completely OK for them for wear a sweatshirt. It’s a way for them to take an intangible success and make it tangible and how it affects everyone else shouldn’t be their reason for not doing it.
When those people who got rejected from one school get into the second school they too should feel success and wear a sweatshirt.
Getting accepted to college is a big accomplishment and I think we should let them be happy and express their happiness.
Now, this doesn’t mean that he should be insensitive to the feelings around him. Also, I’m sure some people won’t want to wear a sweatshirt, as it may seem insensitive to them, and I commend these people for not having the need of approval from those around them.
@Alpha101 I completely agree.
I see nothing wrong with wearing the sweatshirt as long as no one else applied and got rejected from that school. For example in Ds school one kid got into a HYPS and another was deferred. The first kid refrained from wearing the sweatshirt (they are in all the same classes). OTOH if I get into Brown and you are deferred from Georgetown, I am not sure there is anything wrong with wearing the Brown sweatshirt if I am the only one who applied to Brown. I have a friend who did post her S’s HYPS acceptance on FB which was universally seen as a little much. However, I have some FB friends who I have lost touch with but I was very happy to see the picture of her D putting on the UCLA sweatshirt because I was curious as to where her D was going and certainly did not want to call and ask.
I think Cool said it well. It is an achievement based on 4 years of very hard and consistent work. The fact that it often seems random and is, does not take away from the achievement.
People have been either supportive or sort of hateful and nasty towards people who have gotten acceptances to top schools. I’ve noticed that a lot of people will pretend to be indifferent when the person who got accepted into a school is around, and then will trash talk them later on, citing reasons the person shouldn’t have gotten in, behind their backs. People seem to kind stop talking about it after a couple weeks or so after peoples’ acceptances though.
I do think it’s possible to say that you don’t deserve something because you worked hard for it, but when you do get it, it’s because you worked hard, and you aren’t wrong for feeling proud as well as grateful. Words like “earned” and “deserved” do cause heartache. Whether it’s related to not getting something good (being unable to have a child) or getting something bad (being abused), as well as getting something directly or indirectly (someone’s son commits a serious crime), people and their parents often blame themselves for things that depend largely on factors outside of their control.
I do think that it can be insensitive to a degree to publicly flaunt a college acceptance, or a recent engagement, or a newborn baby (I can only imagine how painful that might be for some couples). But at the same time, we recognize the joy that people must feel, and we allow them to celebrate the fruits of their labor without having to worry about everyone else.
Also, I know people who wore college tees and sweatshirts just because they visited the college and got free swag / got something from the gift shop, lol. I don’t think was ever seen as an “announcement” at my school.
If my D gets into Brown I will shout it from the rooftops. I did when she got into Clark.
I am proud of my kid, and if that rubs someone the wrong way, boo hoo. These are not little kids in grade school anymore. At some point they must learn that there are rewards for hard work. Maybe my D’s school is different, but there seems to be universal pride in the school when classmates get accepted to the top colleges. It doesn’t mean anyone is rubbing the other kid’s nose in it. And of course, it would not be cool to run around gloating.
I think the real problem for many kids is unrealistic expectations and lack of knowledge about the admissions process. My kid understands completely that her classmate who got into Brown not only had the requirements to get to the gate, but also had that special something Brown was looking for. She is thrilled for him, and in fact even said, “if he hadn’t got in to Brown, then she was sure there would be no chance for her,” which I thought was a nice glass-half-full way of looking at it. She is also aware that it will be a miracle if she gets in, and is fully expecting not to. Her expectations are realistic, she is aware of the process, and yes, she will probably be disappointed with the end result, but that’s life. At least she put forth her best effort.
Earned, deserved, of course, with very few exceptions being accepted at a highly selective school is something that is earned and deserved. The student that has done the work and distinguished themselves in the manner necessary to be awarded admission has earned it and is deserving. The key here is the acknowledgement that if a student is not accepted at a highly selective school it doesn’t mean they had not earned it or they were not deserving of it.
As it relates to telling people about where you were accepted, I believe that sensitivity and tact are important. I will say though that any decent person is genuinely happy for another persons good fortune. If they choose to be petty that is their issue not yours.
A lot also depends upon the culture of your High School and your community. Additionally, what kind of kid is it who has been admitted to a highly selective school? Genuinely nice kid, or a kid with attributes that are not nice or decent.
The word got out quickly when our daughter was admitted to Harvard a couple of years ago. Our community was so gracious and supportive and we were so appreciative and thankful! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I didn’t and wouldn’t.
Our daughter spoke at a moving up ceremony for our middle school toward the end of her senior year. The auditorium was packed with parents and students. At the conclusion of her presentation the Middle School principal spoke about our daughters accomplishments and the audience began to clap quite loudly and over the applause the principal concluded by saying and (insert name) will be attending Harvard University this fall. There was a very noticeable escalation in the volume of the applause. It gave me the chills and I had tears in my eyes.
The benefit of this was that I didn’t have to shout it from the roof tops, another person did that for her. If my wife would have let me I would have circled the auditorium giving everyone high fives!
I keep it together on the outside, not so much on the inside!
To put the thread back on track. My D worked at a club this past summer which had lots of other people her age who were going to the gamut of colleges. Most were meeting her for the first time or knew her slightly before. The first question was always where are you going/attending.
She can sometimes be a little spacey about practicalities and was accepted at an elite college. Every time she did something spacey, someone would say, and you got into ?
@SeekingPam My D says this happens all the time at Yale among the students. They joke among themselves when they goof up. “How did we get in here?”
Alpha101, ah well we disagree then. I look at things very differently. I encourage kids to be engaged in school and academics. It is important in its own right. It is true that doing well may result in more opportunities but not necessarily. But they will be better people for being educated. It’s not about earning a bumper sticker.
It is also a ticket to heartache to suggest that grades will get them into a “good” college. That promise is the reason for so many sad threads on this site. Many students can work forever and they will simply not ever be qualified for entry into the schools considered by the lay public to be “best” because they lack aptitude. Others with aptitude and straight A’s may be rejected because there are so few slots. And, the process is not as reliable as would be hoped. Some lousy students get in and some stellar ones get shut out. Kids whose parents went to Ivy League schools are treated with favoritism over those that didn’t, for instance.
I’d avoid motivating student’s academic efforts with the promise of getting into a good school for the reasons stated above but also because I don’t think that is a promise that most parents can keep. The accomplishments are the grades and other achievements that are actually under the control of the students. A sad student unable to wear an Ivy League shirt may just have the wrong daddy or mommy who did not attend an Ivy League school but may be a stronger more accomplished student than one wearing one.
I’d always opt for being sensitive at a particularly difficult time of year for ones peers over endorsing the idea that students should broadcast the colleges they got into by wearing logos. But hey, bumper stickers yelling “Brown” (or similar) make me want to puke. That’s just me. I suppose somebody must be impressed by it; If only the driver of the car or wearer of the shirt.
I am, by the way, not suggesting students should never wear the logo for their school. I am suggesting that it is kinder to wait until a time when there is less anxiety and angst among the senior class. Will there still be a few students in May who don’t know if they got in? Yes, but far fewer of them. Right now and for the next several months the majority of students are in limbo and anxiety is sky high. Being kind is not a terrible thing to do. It is not required, of course.
So bumper stickers saying Brown are bad but bumper stickers saying _________ (fill in whatever safety you want, do not want to insult anyone) is acceptable?
I hate putting anything on my car because I do not want to give out information when I drive but that is my own paranoia (and reflects on my driving too!) However next year when D starts _, I worry that NOT putting the sticker on my car does not celebrate her accomplishment (yes it is an accomplishment even if 1000 other equally accomplished kids did not get in). In fact kid who is attending safety school also wants his accomplishments celebrated by his parents and wants to know his parents are proud of him and one way is to stick it on your ride.
As for legacy, it does not always help. There is a school that two members of our family attended that is a peer institution of where she was accepted, as well as a bunch of schools where she was wait listed. She was flat out rejected as a double legacy, as was a kid the year before who had perfect everything and applied ED to that school and also ended up at a different peer institution. Legacy does not always help. I routinely see double legacies rejected from ivies who end up at other ivies or elites or not.
In fact someone told me a story about an ED Penn legacy rejected who then ended up at MIT and he had no hooks and was an “average” kid by elite standards.
What does help is some connection to the school, some “reason” why you want them and they want you. It can be something very subtle like this is the best place for the really obscure major you have been dreaming about since you were 12 and have spent every summer doing or it can be an email relationship you sought out a couple of years ago with a faculty member that researches something you have researched.
Tooting your horn over your kid’s acceptances this time of year is kind of crass. Some of their friends have likely been rejected from ED or EA schools, and are feeling pretty low and stressed. Same for their parents…Hold your bumper stickers and t-shirts and Facebook posts until May 1 when everyone has a landing spot.
“It is also a ticket to heartache to suggest that grades will get them into a “good” college. That promise is the reason for so many sad threads on this site. Many students can work forever and they will simply not ever be qualified for entry into the schools considered by the lay public to be “best” because they lack aptitude. Others with aptitude and straight A’s may be rejected because there are so few slots. And, the process is not as reliable as would be hoped. Some lousy students get in and some stellar ones get shut out. Kids whose parents went to Ivy League schools are treated with favoritism over those that didn’t, for instance.”
Ok so as a student I hear this so many times. But I must say I am somewhat against this type of thinking. You have to look at these types of things objectively. And yeah you are right, just good grades will NOT get them into a good college, but good grades with amazing extracurriculars and a great essay will.
“Many students can work forever and they will simply not ever be qualified for entry into the schools considered by the lay public to be “best” because they lack aptitude.”
What you lack in “aptitude” (which I would argue is a very minuscule part of the process) you can make up in hard work. Students never work to their full capacity. No kid sits down and studies 24/7 for three months straight for the SAT. Or literally spends every waking minute they are not doing homework or studying doing extracurriculars. Ok I can see where you are coming from on the legacies and rich donors getting in, but how about the kids without those two things that get accepted. They’re not aliens with four arms and eight eyes. They played their cards right and appealed tot he adcoms. And I’d argue that if you research enough you can basically get a really good grip on how to appeal to them too. Personally, I literally read through hundreds of ivy league accepted essays and spent countless hours online reading college confidential posts of students accepted to see what they did to get in. Ivy league schools are basically looking for leaders in specific fields. It is not as much of a lucky game as many people think.
Students ultimately get rejected because they had a weakness/weaknesses in a part of their application.
I do believe the aptitude element to be real. All of us through no fault of our own have a particular maximum capacity for intelligence. The distinction there would be the student who has exceptional capacity but is not utilizing it? An example being the high standardized test score, low GPA type student.
While I also recognize money, power and influence can get some in to elite schools, the instances of that occurring are statistically insignificant. There are very few students who are losing their spots to those situations. As it relates to legacy admits, isn’t it pretty likely that many of these students are going to be quite bright and accomplished?
I liked the post above because of the prevailing theme, not the entirety of it’s content. There are clearly exceptional students/exceptional young human beings who are being denied admission at elite schools. I do believe there is a luck of the draw component based on what demographics these schools are trying to fill and something about your application submission really resonating with your admissions officer/reader.
An accepted student one year could possibly not be an accepted student in another year.
The best response i’ve received so far was when at senior parent breakfast my gc said to my parents you must be so proud of your son for getting into BC and their response was wait he applied to BC
What is the biggest accomplishment to celebrate:
- first gen student getting into their first choice college
- talented student accepting a full tuition scholarship
- legacy full pay attending their parent's "prestigious" school
The more I read this thread, the more I’m incredibly glad that before our kids started into their teens we moved to a place where the whole must-get-into-a-top-college pressure cooker just isn’t a thing.
Here, the student ethic seems to be that if someone got into a top college, hey, cool, that’s great. If someone’s going to the local open-admissions college, hey, cool, that’s great. If someone got into a random school somewhere, hey, cool, that’s great. If someone isn’t going to college but has other plans, hey, cool, that’s great.
This really does reduce some of this pressure—students can wear a college sweatshirt, and it’s no big deal. Of course, there wouldn’t necessarily be an assumption that they’re signaling that they got in there, either. In any event, it lets students be quite supportive of each other, no matter what happens.
But I’m left with the question: Why isn’t it like that everywhere? Why have we turned college admissions into something that so frequently leads to such bitterness and sorrow? How have so many gotten to the point that news of both acceptances and rejections is something to be suppressed, rather than simply a topic of conversation?
Something is very, very wrong—and in this case (for once, maybe), it’s not something that’s wrong with the colleges.
@hssenior27 I don’t quite get it. As parents, we can’t be proud of our children’s achievements??? Not as in it’s because of something we parents did, just because our kid set a goal and achieved it. Isn’t that something a parent can be proud of? Or happy about? We’re proud of their hard work? We’re happy that they won the lottery?
As to @dfbdfb’s comments, I totally agree. I am reminded of long ago when I was a very young lowly bank clerk. The president of the bank invited all the employees to his house for a social which was quite delightful, nothing stuffy about it. His daughter was in a band and they provided live music. His daughter played the spoons! I thought it was so cool that a bank president not only wasn’t embarrassed or disappointed that his daughter played the spoons in a band, he went so far as to proudly present her to the public and his employees.
I am glad my D is in a nonjudgmental school also. Kids are going everywhere from A to Z and nobody much cares. Her closest circle of friends runs the gamut from MIT to a little state college.
I think this depends more on what type of school you go to. My school is well regarded in the area, but does not have many going to top colleges ever. There is no cutthroat competition here for a top school. People will congratulate you for getting into UPenn or for getting into a Penn State branch campus. Students even encourage other to apply to the schools they are applying to. Here, if someone got into an ivy or similar then everyone would find out pretty quickly and be happy for them. I can understand that at an elite prep school there would be tension and competition for those coveted ivy league spots. I personally wouldn’t wear college gear ever in high school, I’m pretty modest about stuff like that. However, if I found out someone got into Harvard and they want to wear a sweatshirt, I don’t really care.
@dfbdfb So I think kids’ perspectives on the college process is a product of their environment: their friends, family, and school community. And sometimes it’s not as much as a “MUST-get-into-top-college” but more of a “I WANT to go to a top college.”
If you lived in a small underprivileged community where there is like a 50% graduation rate then some people wouldn’t even know what you were talking about if you told them you got into an ivy league school. On the other hand, if you went to a $40,000 a year prep school (yes they exist) where the average SAT is 2100 the story would be totally different.
I have even witnessed the two ways of thinking at my school. Some people literally freak out after hearing one of their friends got into their first choice college and others brush it off like it was a minor accomplishment. Because, to them, it actually really doesn’t mean much. Like I said before, a lot of people really don’t understand the blood, sweat, and tears that go into college acceptances.
@alooknac Haha, I didn’t know the spoons was an instrument. I usually only use them for eating.