My daughter just finished her first year at a top 15 school. She has ADHD and anxiety and the year didn’t go as well as we had hoped. She has been home since last Friday (a little over a week). She’s been going out late and staying out late despite our request that she be in at 11:30 on weeknights and 1 am on the weekend. Yesterday, I went in her room in the morning and smelled pot. I confronted her and she swore she did not have and did not smoke pot. He let dad confronted her later in the day and she admitted she smokes it at 5 am to help her sleep (she has very bad insomnia, we’ve known it’s a problem but didn’t want her to take sleep meds as they are addictive). Then, last night she asked me to buy her alcohol for a party. Of course I said no and I asked why she would even ask me knowing the answer would be no and she just shrugged it off. We saw the psychiatrist yesterday to adjust her ADHD meds and are in the process of finding a therapist for her.
Part of the problem is that my husband feels she is an adult (she’s 18) and says we can’t tell her what to do and expect her to do it. I feel that since we are her financial support-she doesn’t have a job although she’s supposed to be looking-and since she lives in our house, she should follow our rules.
Had anyone had this sort of problem before? She feels like since she’s an adult, she should not have a curfew and should be able to do what she wants. And I wouldn’t be as worried if she were doing well in school and being responsible in general but she’s not. I’m worried things could really start to spiral out of control…
Btw, we had no problem like this in high school. She was a good (if distracted) kid with no time for parties. She had school and then her sport until 8 pm and spent most weekends doing school work.
Follow your gut. Also, you have leverage – you are paying for her school and she is living in your house. Sleep issues and anxiety can really be a horrible combo, find a really good therapist who specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and who works with a psychiatrist that can get your d’s sleep and anxiety issues under control. Right now it sounds as if your d is self medicating with pot, not a good idea! Good luck and remember, even though she is 18 she is still a kid with a developing brain and you are her parents, don’t be afraid to act.
Also sleeping pills can be addictive, but when dealing with severe insomnia they can be used judiciously to help resolve the problem.
Did she pass all of her courses with grade of C or better?
How long has she been looking for a job? Many kids got jobs during spring break.
But you already know that.
Whose car is she using for her outings…and who is paying for gas, and the like?
My feelings…she needs to be respectful of the folks living in the house…meaning…she can’t come in at all hours and wake folks up. We asked our kids to be home by midnight on weekdays. On weekends…they were out later. But we also asked that they let us know where they were going.
We let them use a car sometimes…if one was available…but they had to put gas in the car, and really could only drive sort of locally like to friends’ houses.
If they hadn’t been able to share in the car gas costs…they would not have been offered the use of the car.
Your daughter has an addiction. She is legally an adult , so, I would suggest that you remind her that since she tells you that she is an adult that adulthood involves fully supporting herself. If she doesnt believe this than you might need to show her how adults support themselves by letting her support herself. Stay strong because supporting her in recovery is great but if she chooses to continue using you to support her habit and laziness and you allow this behavior then you have contributed to her problem.
Sounds very difficult, OP. Sorry to hear that your family is going through this.
It seems like soe (not all) kids regress when they come home. I think there is even a term for it, “soiling the nest”? I am glad you are reaching out to get some feedback. The behavior is not acceptable if it’s your house and she is not keeping to the rules.
I would point out that you and her dad need to be on the same page, or she will continue to tell you one thing and him the other. If you can do some reading and get some more input maybe you can sit down with him to agree on how to handle it.
First, she should not be allowed access to car.
Being an athlete at a really high level and stepping away from it is tough. It sounds like it wasn’t her decision. I knew a young man with a couple of NCAA records. When he ran out of eligibility he started timing himself on the trip back and forth to the grocery to buy junk food. He gained 40 pounds from his athletic weight.
It also sounds like you could benefit from family therapy if you and your husband are not on the same page for the future.
She also needs therapy to develop a future plan. Living in your house, on your dime without a job and partying is not a plan. As hard as it is she needs to face that her first year at college was a washout.
Please love her and hug her. What is going on in her head is much worse that yours. Hugs to your family.
You got some good advice on this first thread @Emsmom1
Has something significantly changed since the first thread? Did you see the psychiatrist?
Unless you are working off of information provided outside of this thread - you can not conclude this with certainty from the information provided.
I find an 11:30 curfew too restrictive - if she wants to see a 9:30-10pm movie after dinner with friends, she can’t. She may not have friends and may not want to go out or see a film, but 11:30 is very ‘high school kid’.
However she should handle herself in such a way that she doesn’t wake anyone up.
Could she have dsps? Have her checked out by a specialist.
Melatonin works well and isn’t addictive - she could take it at 1 am if she doesn’t feel sleepy by then.
It sounds like there are several different issues going on, OP, but all told, I’m not sure that your daughter is “out of control.”
She may be simply going through a typical adjustment many teens experience after the first year away from home. She certainly seems to be testing some boundaries, which is also normal at this age.
You and your husband appear to be part of the problem (as you yourself admit.) You need to be on the same page in terms of curfew and expectations. Right now, one parent is telling her one thing, and the other sends very different messages.
What do you mean, her year didn’t go as well as “we had hoped.” It’s not unusual to have a slippage in grades in the first year of college. Did you and your daughter have an agreement she needs to maintain a certain GPA?
My recommendation would be to give your daughter some time to readjust to the realities of living at home again. She’s only been back a week!
Be supportive as she gets used to the new meds and looks for a job/ a new therapist.
Be clear about rules you and your husband expect her to obey, and possible repercussions if she doesn’t.
Remain encouraging and calm, but also firm and consistent.
I, too, would be curious about her academic record before weighing in on the rest of it.
Also, who is she hanging out with? Old high school friends?
I agree that you are being overly harsh for a college student with your curfew. Once they have gone off to college, are at least 18, and have lived independently, they WILL be different than a high school student and need to be treated as such. Nobody gave her an 11:30 PM curfew in college.
However, I would expect my kid to use the summer productively which would mean getting a job, volunteering, an internship or a combination for at least 30 hours per week.
Your house, your rules.
One of mine came home in April. She applied for a few jobs, left for a week to see her boyfriend (I was not happy) but did start working at one job almost right away when she returned. It is an outdoor job, so she’s had a snow day and several early closings for rain (no work, no money). She will start her second job (movie theater) this week. Yep, that’s my solution to summer curfews - just work 60 hours a week and there is no time for parties.
She’s 21 and can drink (she doesn’t really) or smoke pot if she wants (Colorado, so legal) but not in my house. She can get a tattoo, but not on my dime and she doesn’t have enough money. If she still wants my support, she has to follow my rules. There aren’t that many, so the ones that we do have are important.
I don’t think 11:30 is too early on a work/school night. Others in the house have to get up in the morning to go to work. If people come in late, it wakes up the dogs and then everyone is awake because the dogs think it’s morning. If she has something planned, like a movie, she could let you know.
All that said, it’s been a week. Set the rules and stick to them. It’s time for a job and a schedule.
I believe my daughter smoked pot to sleep, in my house, at this age. It’s legal in our state and I don’t see anything wrong with it. Not every night, but it helped on the nights she couldn’t sleep. For some kids, life does get out of control without sleep.
The curfew issue is more complicated in many households, and the transition to home after being up at all hours at college is tough for the student as well. I would loosen up a bit as long as she isn’t making a racket when she comes in.
I don’t know what happened at school but from the info given, if you think this is “out of control” you are fortunate!
Benadryl is terrific for sleep.
Time-released Melatonin can be very useful. It helps you go to sleep and the time-released aspect helps you stay asleep. It should say time-released on the bottle.
also…sleepy time tea or chamomile tea.
Sounds like anxiety may be interfering with her sleep. Soaking in a warm bath for 20-30 minutes before bed can be as useful as Rx…without the negatives of Rx.
Her curfews are very high school like. That said, if she’s a risk for driving while intoxicated, don’t let her have access to your car.
Where does she get her pocket money? If you’re giving her money then she has little reason to really look for a job.
I can tell you from my own experience that anxiety combined with insomnia is awful. Is there any way to get her some immediate help? It might be easier to deal with the other issues once she gets a bit of relief.
“Yep, that’s my solution to summer curfews - just work 60 hours a week and there is no time for parties.”
@twoinanddone – brilliant!
What exactly are her grades/GPA like? Is she actually on academic probation?
Also, agree with those who feel an 11:30 pm curfew is excessively restrictive for someone who is 18+ and has spent a year living without such curfews away at college or other settings.
Then again, my own parents stopped imposing a curfew on me after I turned 11 and the thought of having an 11:30 pm curfew imposed on yours truly after spending a year at college would have felt quite restrictive and absurd. And mind you…I started college at 17. not 18 and grew up in a former working-class NYC neighborhood at the tail-end of the high crime era(1980’s - mid '90s).
An older HS alum friend whose parents continued a 10:30 pm curfew past high school graduation and refused to allow her to apply to colleges further away than close commuting distance chafed so much at those restrictions that she literally moved out and cut off all further contact with her parents from that point onwards.
It has now been ~25 years and she still refuses to resume contact despite having a few decades of career success, marriage, and a few kids.