<p>When I was applying to college, there were jobs for graduates. ( And women weren’t admitted to HYP and others. - so yes, it was different!) I think our shrinking economic opportunities and competition from foreign students and 1st generation Americans fuels the competition for employment, and therefore college admissions to all quality schools.
Our society has become more competitive as our resources have become more scarce. The idea that a better school might give one’s kid an edge in this ever shrinking pie doesn’t seem that unreasonable. It’s not like all of this “obsession” exists in a vacuum.
I think most parents are pretty balanced in their expectations, unlike the author. I do think there are some cultures that may place a lot of importance on the reps of a few schools primarily because they are known in their home countries. But it’s not the norm.</p>
<p>When I applied to college, it was a simpler process that basically took me one week over Christmas break my serior year. I didn’t have to take subject tests, no one had heard of ED, no one prepped for the SAT and no one took it more than twice, my high school only offered 3 APs, the college essay prompts were straightforward expository tasks, etc. My high school sent kids to MIT, Northwestern, Princeton etc. so it wasn’t as if people didn’t have high ambitions. Things really were simpler then.</p>
<p>My D’s road to college was much more administratively complicated. I think we would have done her a disservice if we didn’t acknowledge that fact and help her navigate the path. We didn’t “over parent,” we responded to changing circumstances. That said, I look back on the college anxiety of the high school years and I do believe it somewhat distorted high school life. The further away we get from it, the sillier it seems. The stakes are not as high as people think they are. </p>
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<p>Except that for most occupations requiring a college degree, it’s hard to prove a difference in outcomes between graduates of “quality” or “better” schools and those with less associated prestige. And yet the madness continues. Why is that?</p>
<p>Why anybody is concerned with anybody else’s kids? Keep to your own! leave them (other) kids alone. Family wants to do their project, so be it, they will learn less, your own kid will be better off in comparison. Parents do not want to help even when asked, so be it, again, your own kid is better off in comparison. So, what is a hype? Whoever wish for Harvard, let them spend their money!. Why do we care, we have our own lives to live, again, however we want. I want to carry my kid in my arms, I will and nobody will stop me. I want to work full time and let kid to be in after school care, I will and nobody will stop me. Articles about it just a talk that let sombody to earn the income to support their family, nothing else, it is their job, boy, I hope that they can keep it…no matter what we all think…</p>
<p>People base their attitudes about college admission and the job market on what they see happen in their own community and with their own family and acquaintances. Studies and statistics are helpful, but they address general national trends and may not be relevant to your own situation. Right or wrong, I tend to trust the experience of my two recent graduates and their good friends in the job market as a useful gauge for planning for my third child, since I understand the context of their experience. I know what fields they are in, what schools they attended, how motivated they are, etc. For example, the woman who touted the “there’s a college for everyone” mantra–which, by the way, is expressed quite a bit on CC too–has a D of average intellect whose desired career has a low bar for entry. That’s her context, and in that context her mantra probably works. That does not mean my kids should think that way about college, however. I agree with miamiDAP in that we need to stop judging other people’s behavior using our context as a measure and not theirs.</p>
<p>People love to criticize the schools my children attended using an array of statements that imply that kids who attend are somehow deficient (eg. in social skills, in practicality, in having a normal, happy childhood, in unconditional love from their parents) or that the choice is somehow extreme (too stressful, too expensive, overrated, status-obsessed, materialistic etc.) It gets old, very old.</p>
<p>I don’t care which school/university that a child attends. What I have problems with is any pressure or stress from parents upon children in the college process (whether it starts at age 5 or age 17). And I have met parents who put this kind of pressure on their kids - making them retake SATs, take lots of APs, do community service - when the child would simply prefer to do something else. If a child is driving the bus toward an elite/Ivy educaton - fine. But parents should be a support, not the driver.</p>
<p>I think it is appropriate for the parent to be more than just the support, although that is their main job. I don’t see anything wrong with parents encouraging kids, or even requiring kids, to try new things</p>
<p>It’s like the one bite rule. When my S was little, I vowed we were not going to be one of those families who were constantly negotiating what the kid would eat, devoting every meals to pleas for Junior to eat this or that, or, on the other hand, restricting our diet to pizza, hamburgers, and hot dogs. I required him to take one real bite of anything he was served. If he didn’t like it, he didn’t have to eat it, period. No argument. He could always have a yogurt instead. As a result, he had the broadest palate of any kid I’ve known–his favorite dish at age 5 was Musuman curry, which he called “Thai meat,” 
– and we had peace at dinner.</p>
<p>Activities are the same thing, IMHO. One shouldn’t force a kid to pursue something, but there is nothing wrong with encouraging, sometimes even requiring, them to try it.</p>
<p>I wanted my children to reach their full potential and not be limited in achieving their own goals due to parental laziness or lack of foresight. That meant that I assessed their abilities and interests and tried to match their academic paths and EC choices accordingly. When D went through a really awful bratty stage in middle school, refusing to do homework, we came down hard and did more than just guide her. We forced her to shape up because we knew she was bright and capable and would one day regret her behavior. She got over her immature fit after a few months, started working hard again, stayed in advanced classes, and went on to do well in high school. She is very happy, adored her college, and says attending a top school was the best decision of her life. </p>
<p>Tiger mom, Soccer mom, there is a lot of criticism of parents (moms) who are actively engaged in raising their children, helping them form values, habits, ideas. I am no sports enthusiast, but over time I’ve come to respect soccer moms as they transparently care. On the other hand, I can’t come up with the a common pejorative for slacker moms (parents). Help me! Slacker mom is more of a self-denigrating joke than an ugly stereotype. </p>
<p>I don’t get why being involved with your children is bad, but letting them sit in front of a screen is fine. In the end children decide if they want to play chess or soccer. If the parents are out of control, most kids let them know. Even Amy Chua admitted she couldn’t make her second daughter conform to an imagined ideal. </p>
<p>Apparently, letting your kids stay home and beat each other up is wrong.</p>
<p>And now, paying attention to your kids’ grades and college aspirations is wrong.</p>
<p>I find it offensive equating “getting your kid into college” to “Harvard”. Certainly there are far more kids going to schools other than Harvard. And there are kids who want to go to college and do need their parents help.</p>
<p>However, I do think that ALL parents should be educated about some kids not being ready for college when they graduate HS. There is too much pressure on parents for their kids to go to college, and that is transferred to the kids. The fact that there are so many posts about “why don’t I have friends in the first two weeks of college?” when it is doubtful that any time they’ve made new friends in two weeks time at any other time in their lives.</p>
<p>(or perhaps - the helicopter parents have facilitated their friendships as they were growing up and they really didn’t form any friendships on their own as they grew up…)</p>
<p>I don’t understand the fear of stress and competition. If everything comes easily such that you are comfy and relaxed, then you’re not growing or learning very much. The higher up you climb on the ladder of achievement, the greater the workload and demands. However, once you master the tasks at that next level, the pressure is reduced until you climb up another rung. It’s a cycle that propels you forward. If my child is the top 400 m. runner in the state, then the “pressure” of running in a national level meet will be a beneficial growth experience. If my child is a mediocre runner, then having him run in a high level competition will be inappropriately stressful.</p>
<p>I won’t generalize to anyone else, but the parents I know who were really wary of competition and pressure in the lives of their kids are the ones with the adult kids who never launched. Dealing with age-appropriate and ability-appropriate levels of stress and competition is an important life skill for the modern world. </p>
<p>Maybe people on CC made it more stressful. I was more stressed with the first child, understandably because she was the first one, but still both of kids had decent fun in high school. With the second child I was even more relaxed, no spreadsheet, nothing. Just a calendar to mark the school deadline and that’s it.</p>
<p>"I don’t understand the fear of stress and competition. If everything comes easily such that you are comfy and relaxed, then you’re not growing or learning very much. "</p>
<p>I don’t dislike competition – I just don’t find it motivating. Being exhorted to " beat so-and-so" turns me off, it doesn’t fire me up. But then, I also don’t understand the whole pressure-from-the-neighbors-or-community thing. </p>
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<p>For a certain subset of parents, of course. The vast majority of parents don’t have these concerns, or at least not at the same level that upper-middle-class parents with their eyes on elite college admissions do. I didn’t even know summer camp was a thing growing up. I spent my summers running around outside with my friends and, later, writing stories and volunteering and hanging out with my friends. For some parents, it’s a big deal to get their kid into any preschool they can afford that has room.</p>
<p>Yeah, no.This is really not a thing with most people at all.</p>
<p>It isn’t a thing with many, if not most parents with their eyes on elite schools, either. </p>
<p>I grew up in one of those places where there was a big emphasis on going to an Ivy or elite LAC or other top school, even back in the 60s and 70s. My father was a Yale grad. There were expectations. The majority of people just didn’t act like that, certainly not the families whose kids actually went to such schools.</p>
<p>I had the same expectations for my kid. It’s cultural. And he is very smart. We found things for him to do in the summer that he found engaging, intellectually and socially. Because he <em>needed</em> that. We took him places such as Washington, the Boston Science Museum, art museums, and the UK (he wanted to see “castles,” we stayed in youth hostels) because he relished the experiences and so did we. Competition never entered into it in the least. There was no “pressure.” I had music lessons as a kid; it enriched my life. He had music lessons as a kid; it has enriched his life. We encouraged him to do sports he liked, so that he would have the good habit of physical activity and feel physically competent, something I thing is particularly important for intellectually-inclined boys. We would have done all of this stuff with any kid. That’s the way we are. That’s the way everyone in my family is. (Not in H’s family, though.)</p>
<p>I thought it was over the top. She strove for a combative tone.</p>
<p>Perhaps it’s driven by nostalgia for a time when middle class kids had an easier time predicting where they’d go to college. Somehow, behind all this scolding of parents and children for being “competitive,” there seems to be a feeling that it’s wrong to be seen to make an effort.</p>
<p>All this criticizing of other parents has begun to drive me nuts. The “sweet spot” for good parenting has gotten so small nobody could possibly hit it. You are too competitive and you are not paying enough attention. you are not feeding your kid the right things and you are not overseeing their tutoring correctly. you don’t have them in enough ECs and YOU are too intense about their ECs. You are pushing your kid too hard academically and YOU are not pushing them hard enough. It’s your fault your kid is not doing well in Calc, and it is YOUR fault your kid is having a nervous breakdown because of AP Physics.</p>
<p>It’s insane.</p>
<p>My favorite is when schools complain about helicopter parents on the one hand and lack of parental involvement on the other. It’s so convenient. </p>
<p>I think we are all doing the best that we can and most of us feel like it’s not enough or too much or whatEVER. Then, one day, you look up, the kids are grown and gone and you think, "Geez! Where did that all go? </p>
<p>I wish I hadn’t listened to one thing anybody said. I was always right about my own kids and all that second guessing was a waste of time.</p>
<p>I think there is a happy medium. However, parents who have an “overly relaxed” attitude towards their children as they approach high school, do not seem to have very good out comes. I’ll call these the “whatever makes you happy” parents. I’d like to think that between “Steamroller Parents” “Hover Mothers” and the “whatever makes you happy” parents are parents who realize that older children need guidance at this time. perhaps more than at any time.</p>
<p>Going to college is not optional, and it was not in my generation, either. So, “whatever makes you happy” doesn’t work for me. </p>
<p>We care more about finding a college that is a good fit for our students. We do see HS as preparation for college - not as “the time of your life”. Our focus on college began in middle school. </p>
<p>Re: post 39. We wanted both of our kids to go to college…and both have completed their bachelors degrees, and one a masters. However, if either had wanted to pursue a trade career, we would have fully supported them doing so. We would have been happy to see either of them become an electrician, plumber, car mechanic, builder, etc…none requiring college degrees. DD is working as an EMT right now…and that didn’t involve getting a college degree. Thank goodness she has that training…it has been her key to employment in this job market.</p>
<p>As parents, I think we need to be more open minded than “college is not optional”. Certainly, encourage and support your kids with that end goal. But don’t be disappointed if they take a different path to a career. </p>