Overbearing mother?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi: My son seems to be somewhat passive about the college search. I, on the other hand, am passionate about it and reading college confidential fuels me! I think this is becoming a problem. I am eager to find schools that might offer him merit aid and enjoy reading about students who get in and awards they received. I feel like I spend way to much time analyzing the possibilities and the entire process is becoming overwhelming to me. My son is currently watching spongebob with his 5-year-old sister.</p>

<p>My first born is a senior next year. His stats are a 3.8 unweighted, the high school doesn't rank but guidance counselor says around 7th percent, his SAT scores are 720 CR, 760 Math, 740 writing. His SAT subject tests were Physics C -- 780 and Math II -- 800.</p>

<p>He just received his AP scores and he received a 5 on his 5 tests (English, physics (3), and calculus.</p>

<p>Since he has told me he loves physics and calculus, I suggested he consider engineering and we (meaning mostly me) have been coming up with a list of schools he should see that include engineering. In the process I have eliminated some schools he was initially interested in like Oberlin.</p>

<p>He has seen University of Rochester (which he loved) and Williams (which he liked).
Friends last night told me he should just look (on his own) and go to a liberal arts school and find what he will like. I am nervous that his "finding his way" will be expensive.</p>

<p>I am toying with the idea of dropping the ball and seeing if he steps up and gets energized to look at some schools on his own.</p>

<p>Have others struggled between planning and directing the college tour or just stepping back and, yikes, seeing what happens?</p>

<p>I wonder when he would kick into gear?</p>

<p>-Shelly</p>

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<p>I know my own kid pretty well so I had a good idea of how to work with him. He needs to be pushed a bit but he also needs to feel like he is the one making the decisions. He is definitely not one who would hang out on CC. I did a lot of research and then let him choose where to visit. He didn’t get too excited about the search until his friends started getting serious about applying and then he got a little nervous when their acceptances started rolling in from ED and rolling admission schools. He applied only to schools that had the April acceptance notification date. Our school (urban public) gives very little support in the college process. Your son has good stats and could possibly get good merit money with the right choice.</p>

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<p>I have no problem with you doing research. Particularly since you are looking for colleges that may offer him $ thus saving you $!!! Pretty clear to me!
Some kids just see the whole thing as too overwhelming…so you providing maybe 10 suggestions is not a bad thing! Just make sure you include some safety schools. I think most kids think getting in is easy…clearly we know better…apply broadly and embrace all your choices.</p>

4

<p>I think you should step back- if the objective is to get him more involved in his own direction.
He sounds very bright, but what drives him? What is he interested in, what is he spending the summer doing?</p>

<p>Both my kids are bright- they both took a gap year ( although both applied to schools senior year & were accepted to all)- Gap years are becoming very popular and lots of threads on CC for more info.</p>

<p>Personally, I don’t like what I consider professional majors ( engineering- education- business, etc) as an undergrad degree.
Some LACs do offer engineering, but as that choice seems parent directed, I would not let the availability or lack of , steer college selection.</p>

<p>Figure out what you can afford to contribute ( via savings , loans and current income) & estimate your EFC with the help of calculators online, so that you are on the same page for schools to apply to.</p>

<p>It’s good that he has already visited some schools & many high schools will have guidance for students and parents in the upcoming months, that might not be as overwhelming as what comes from his mom.
;)</p>

5

<p>Have you asked him what he’d like in a college? My own rising senior wasn’t able (or maybe willing) to verbalize that at this point, what interests him most is going to a school where at least a few of his buddies will be. He didn’t attend our local high school, where most of his friends are, and would like to be with at least a few of them in college. So we’re looking at in-state schools, for a start.</p>

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<p>If your son isn’t the one expressing a very clear drive for engineering, I would look for a university that has a large variety of general courses. If he enters as undecided, he can take classes and find out what gets him excited…well more than sponge bob :)</p>

7

<p>Have you had “the talk?” No, not THAT talk. The college talk. </p>

<p>I mean, sit him down and lay it all out.<br>

  • show him what you can afford
  • explain reach, match, safety
  • map out app deadlines and visit/tour opportunities
  • explain his role and responsibilities for the next 6 months
  • explain your role and responsibilities</p>

<p>We did this at the kitchen table and let it all soak in. The talk is not a time to get him to make decisions. It’s when he gets to see the big picture and why procrastinating is unwise. Your son definitely sounds like a bright boy. He’ll get it. </p>

<p>For us, in terms of how far to go in planning/directing, we decided Son would be the CEO of the college search and I would be his exeuctive secretary. We agreed to dates that he would accomplish things and I kept him on schedule. </p>

<p>One thing we noticed is that it was difficult for him to articulate what he wanted in a college. So we worked backwards and asked what he didn’t want. By knowing what the “deal killers” are, we were still able to make forward progress. </p>

<p>Good luck. A son like yours will have lots of options come spring. :)</p>

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<p>Picking a college is hard enough without having to decide on a major too. Let your son apply to several places as an undeclared major. He can then sample classes, see what he is interested in, and go from there.</p>

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<p>Last year, H and I sat down with our kids (I have twins who are rising seniors) and we laid out about 20-25 colleges that we thought would be of interest to them and reasonably within their ballpark based on our knowledge, their grades, scores, interests, and so forth. We handed them some of the typical college guides (Fiske and the like) and told them to come back in X amount of time (a few weeks) with their recommendation as to what places they wanted to visit, and then we’d do our best to visit them. And then – the hard part – we sat back and let them do their own research on the web, in the guidebooks, etc. You may want to consider a similar approach. They were, of course, free to look elsewhere (and did) – the ones that we gave them were a good starter list, though.</p>

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<p>I feel in a similar position to Shell. DS came up with 1 plan, which H and I don’t particularly care for. We have been dragging DS and DD all over creation visiting places, and I have insisted that DS has to do more than one application. He has grudgingly agreed and we have managed to add a couple more to the list. Still more visiting on tap for this summer, but they are all ideas that I have come up with/researched/etc. </p>

<p>Just keep telling yourself: In 10 months it will all be over…sniff, sniff…</p>

11

<p>Yes, with two boys now enrolled in college I used a combination of approaches in a one, two, three manner. First, ask what they “don’t want.” Kids seem to be able to articulate what they don’t want better than what they do want. Second come up with about 20-25 colleges that are reasonable choices and give deadline to have whittled to 15. Three take them on visits and cut list to reasonable number to get apply. Worked for us. It’s quite funny because Son 3 (rising sophomore) has already “told us” his “don’t wants.” I guess having seen the two olders go through the steps he decided to head us off at the pass.</p>

12

<p>thanks to everyone for the excellent ideas. I think I will have “the talk”, then move into the coming up with around 25 schools and have him narrow the search list down. I keep forgetting this is serious business and should really have a sit down discussion with son and his dad. Nice to know others are “navigating” their kids through this process.</p>

13

<p>Funny, momofthree. Sometimes those younger siblings just seem to have it together a little better. DD is a rising sophomore as well, and already has some pretty clear ideas on what she wants, even though we realize that could change. DS just wanders around with his head in the clouds.</p>

14

<p>and, I forgot to say that tomorrow we are off to Tufts for a visit (um, my idea).</p>

<p>-Shelly</p>

15

<p>Our “talk” has more or less taken the form of lots of little discussions. Depends on how much your kid can take at one sitting. Also, breaking things up has maybe given ours time to process things. I find it’s hard to get anything concrete out of DS, which is the most frustrating part. When I ask: “So could you see yourself here at Latest School on the Tour?” and DS responds “no, not really”, he generally has no specific reason aside from “not my place”. Arghh.</p>

16

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<p>I’m curious why he liked Oberlin and why that affinity didn’t play a larger role to inform your search patterns for other places as well.</p>

<p>Any reason he shouldn’t consider Oberlin (which he liked) and a physics or math major there? I feel as though you’re short-circuiting some of his interests and overdirecting. Look at how many science majors Oberlin sends on to get their Ph.D.'s and explore/let him imagine different possibilities than engineering.</p>

17

<p>

The problem with engineering is that if you don’t hit the ground running as a freshman, you are likely to add more time to complete a bachelors, and if you don’t have an engineering bachelor’s, you will need to make up ground at the grad level. Timewise, it’s better to start engineering and drop if you don’t like it than to wander around the woods and then suddenly decide to pick it up in the middle of your sophomore year.</p>

18

<p>I agree that it is easier to opt out of engineering than choose it later on. This is something he should consider carefully, but at this point as long as your schools offer engineering as an option your list need not alter when he makes the choice of major a little further down the road.</p>

<p>I think if the parent enjoys doing the college research its fine to indulge to your heart’s content - just don’t share every little detail with your child unless he asks. That way, when the college admissions buzz hits during fall of senior year and he starts showing interest you will have already done your homework.</p>

<p>The one topic that you do need to initiate right away is the monetary aspect. Let him know exactly what you can and can’t afford.</p>

19

<p>I realize that science majors require- pre-reqs that you need to start freshman year.
My older D majored in bio @ Reed and younger D started out majoring in bio as well.</p>

<p>But for instance- one friend- who double majored ( this girl was very bright- she skipped high school) in Astronomy and physics, with a minor in Russian- is now I believe attending law school with an interest in international law to continue her passion she found in the Peace Corps.
( and that- totally her own interests)
;)</p>

<p>My D who is still loving bio, wants to major in economics with a focus on international support for developing nations.</p>

<p>There are also so many focuses to pursue with engineering, that I still think that while I certainly know many people who have a BA in engineering and that is all they ever needed to have a career, I also think that a broader focus serves many just as well and certainly the world is changing so much that there are fields where our kids will be working in 10 years, that we have not even have heard of yet.</p>

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<p>I think that doing some research is fine, but you should not be eliminating schools for him, especially ones that he likes, and you should not be deciding what he will study. No need to be an engineer with his interests: that is one path among many.</p>

<p>Some schools, like Tufts for instance, have a “low wall” between the arts and sciences, and engineering. Maybe looking at schools like that, where it is relatively easy to move between the schools, would be good places to look.</p>

<p>Gee, we loved Oberlin: hope that goes back on the list if he liked it!</p>

<p>My oldest, also a son, and also bright, was also very passive. On college visits, he read People while his younger sisters looked at course catalogs.</p>

<p>He was acting irritable when I mentioned visiting places and, like you, I was really into gathering information, looking at websites, curricula, degree requirements, reviews, you name it.</p>

<p>Honestly, at that time, I don’t think he could cope with the coming change.</p>

<p>One day, when he was basically acting like I was nagging him, maybe late junior or early senior year, I stopped and said, “Wait a minute, if you are not interested in this, why don’t you work instead?” Afterall ,that is what I did. He knew I was serious.</p>

<p>I told him that I was done helping him plan at that point, that he could look into what schools to visit, and if he wanted, he could make a schedule, and I would see if his plans fit into MY schedule.</p>

<p>Then I went out. As I went out the door, I hear him yelling, “Wait a minute, I thought you were staying home to help me!”</p>

<p>I went out to do something for myself, and came back in a few hours to find that he had made some sort of color-coded schedule for himself, for visits and the whole application process.</p>

<p>After that, things went great. He graduated last year and is happily working in Silicon Valley. He has done everything on his own steam, these last 5 years!</p>

<p>One other thing: he was also trying to decide about engineering, math/science, computer science…reading curricula and major requirements helped him figure it out, as did one really good talk with someone at a college that, ironically, was the opposite of what he wanted in the end…</p>