Hi, trying to get some advice.
I go to a pressure cooker of a high school and my parents have always put education as the top priority. I’m currently in my senior year, and applying to colleges, and my parents are trying to control everything that I do!
Don’t get me wrong- I love school. I have never been to a school dance nor social outing (movies, shopping) since middle school, and that has always been my choice. I spend 90% of my time at school or the library, and I desperately want to attend a top college. So, I really am not spending my time doing drugs or anything.
However, it seems like the senior year stress of school, extracurriculurs, and college applications are making me have little sleep and more anxiety. I currently have a C in my multivar calculus class, and I am desperately trying to get it up (I have been studying for the next test like crazy). I struck a deal with my parents that if I didn’t do well on the test, I would talk to my counselor about switching to a different class or dropping it all together. My quiz isn’t until next Monday, and yet my parents already emailed my counselor behind my back!
I know how important guidance counselor recommendations are in the college application process: I don’t want to come across as someone overly dependent on his/her parents and weak. The college application process for top schools is already so crazy-I have worked so hard and put in so much that I am so afraid my parents are just messing it up for me. I have always been an independent person, and lately I’ve been so annoyed and irritated with my parents’ overbearing attitudes-every single conversation i have with them is some type of insult of how I could be better at this or that. Yet, no matter how hard I try, they always try to butt into my life because they have no belief in me. How can I get into the schools I’m aiming for when my parents are ruining it for me?
Not sure exactly what you think your parents did to control your college application process. They made one call to your guidance counselor. So what?
It seems you share their desire to go to a tippy top elected school.
So what is the issue here?
And you also had n issue with the recent ACT.
Maybe your college application list should be a well crafted one with schools on it that are very likely admits, as well as possibles, and reaches.
I don’t think you parents emailing your counselor is going to undermine your recommendations. That said, regardless of that particular situation, be SURE you have matches and safeties you are willing to attend on your college list. Don’t let your parents pressure you into applying only to schools with very low admission rates; make sure you are going to have choices for college in the spring. Lots of students have conflict with their parents senior year, honestly. You are ready for more independence, and they have trouble acknowledging that. They have invested a lot of time in raising you, cut them a little slack. In a year you will be away at college.
You got great advice above. I just want to add something that I see as important. You mentioned that you haven’t done any social activities since middle school. My suggestion to you is that from now until you go away to college, you try to incorporate some fun and socialization into your life. It will prepare you for college, which is a very social environment, especially if you live in a dorm. Your parent’s call to the GC won’t hurt you, but you postponing having a social life will, imo.
Talk to your parents in a calm, rational, and controlled way and let them know how you would like them to help you. You may have taken too much course load this year. Dropping a course that you have not performed well, say Multivariate Calculus, will give you more air to breathe and do well on the other courses and “applications.” My S goes to a top college and his HS senior year course load was about 90% of his HS junior course load.
Hi all, thanks for the advice. I guess I’m just really stressed out about applications…I just feel like my parents are trying to do everything for me-this isn’t the first time this has happened. They consistently email my teachers and guidance counselors, saying things like “she has a B in the class…how does she raise it?”, and they never tell me about their actions until they do it. (Last year, I wasn’t doing so hot in chemistry, and they pulled the same stunt of emailing my guidance counselor!). I’ve tried talking to them before, but they always say that they “Want the best for me”; I know this is true, but I want to be my own independent person and stop depending on them to do things I can do by myself.
I’m definitely going to have safeties and matches as well as reaches, but there is just so much stress and competition that I feel like everything counts.
and on the socialization issue, I definitely will! I think it’s just unusual at my school to take time to socialize about things apart from school-most of my conversations with my friends are about classes or teachers.
At my kids’ HS, the teachers likely would have turned it back on the parents and suggested that the student stop in to discuss areas of improvement. Maybe developing self advocacy skills isn’t something your HS pushes, but ours does.
First take a breath. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost.
Second–if you feel that your parents are being overbearing, they probably are. I don’t like the advice given above of “give your parents slack. They raised you” Presumably they raised you to go off and have your own life. They are parents and are strong enough to deal with their child becoming more independent. If they aren’t that’s their issue, not yours, and they will need to learn and grow in this regard. You need to take care of yourself first. Put on your oxygen mask then assist others. Independent life doesnt’ mean, of course, that you don’t respect them and that you don’t love them and that you aren’t appreciative. It means simply independent. They need to respect you when you ask them to please, respectfully, step back.
I’d start with a convo with them, as suggested above. Ask them to reserve a time. Have the convo in a restaurant or public place where it will reinforce all of you to be on best behavior. Plan what you want to say. Also anticipate what they will say and come prepared with rational, clear, mature statements. Your side of the convo might include: I know that you want the best for me. I love you and I appreciate all that you’ve done and do. We have worked as a team for a long time now. Sometimes teammates grow and can take on different tasks. I have grown and can now take on more of the tasks that you have done until now. In fact I need to do so in order to be prepared for college. You will always be my parents. I will always be your child. Trust me that I will always respect this and the advice that you give. Trust me that I will come to you for help and advice. Trust me that I can do this.
Then make a list of what you will handle and what they will handle. Put the list on the refrigerator where you all can see it. In our family we sign these lists/ social contracts. When you make a list, you may want to “brainstorm” and allow them to say things that you think are crazy. Put everything on the list without comment. They will also say some rational ones. Then later go cross off the crazy ones. That way they feel like they have really been heard and their concerns have been actually considered.
Also I agree that you need a social life. Fun is always good. Fun is how we as animals learn to work with others and learn other important skills (hunting if we still did this literally but we do it figuratively, politics, teamwork). We find it “fun” because that’s our reward–we are biologically wired for socializing–so much so that our reward centers fire up when we do it to make sure that we do it often enough and do it well. In other words: it’s as important for our survival as food, exercise, and other things we get biologically rewarded for. As with everything, like eating, moderation is important, but we need fun. Need is the operational word here. Go have fun.
Another suggestion: try to think positively. For your case, you are actually seeing the light out of tunnel; you are a senior. It takes just a few more months to finalize your college plan. After that, the federal laws mandate that your professors and university advisors CANNOT discuss your academic progress with your parents. If I were you, I will be a bit more diplomatically about the relationship with the parents, with a heathy dose of open but calm communication with them.
The best advice I can give you (as a parent) is that you can’t change your parents.
You can get better at managing their behavior (i.e. you know when you’re having difficulty with a class, they’re going to step in, so work on resolving the problems in the class before it reaches their ears), but from their point of view they’re doing what they think is right.
I’m not saying it IS right-obviously you’re not happy about it-but it’s the reality right now. I wouldn’t worry about the guidance counselor not giving you a good recommendation-she most likely is really on your side and is looking forward to not having to email your parents anymore once you graduate ;).
The desire to be more independent and being REALLY annoyed by your parents’ behavior is pretty typical, in my opinion (I also have a high achieving senior daughter who is really ready to go to college and not have me asking her about her day constantly).
Just get through it and realize that a lot of the stress you’re feeling is coming from all the college app stuff, and your parents are a convenient (and safe) target to blat at.
Also realize that once in college, your parents won’t get far contacting profs/university about you. In fact, it has the potential to hurt you in the eyes of school. Get through this year and find a school that’s a good fit for YOU. Next year will be a whole different story…
@dustyfeathers, like doesn’t do your post justice! I LOVE YOUR POST.
The other aspect is your lack of sleep. It’s dangerous, and you can’t let it persist. It impairs your cognitive ability and makes it take longer for you to learn, causing you to lose even more sleep. It’s a vicious and and all too common cycle. It doesn’t always end well either grade-wise or health wise. You need to deflect the focus of your life from getting into college to being the person that you want to be - happy and healthy. You’ve done great until now, and you will go to a great college and get a great education. It may not be one of your top choices, but the goal is a dream life not a dream college. You can’t risk the health of your brain on getting into college.
In some sense, this push for the top colleges is all about minimizing risk to your future earnings by badly risking your physical and mental health. It is much riskier to to continue down this road than it is to take a break, get some sleep, and let the chips fall where they fall. Have confidence that you are a good and talented person, and that no matter what happens, you will persevere and achieve your goals.
This aspect of your life ought to be part of the discussion with your parents. Not in the sense that you want to wimp out of the race right before the goal line, but in the sense, that you feel like you are in over your head and cannot mentally and physically keep up this pace without doing damage.
@ClassicRockerDad I’m humbled. Thank you!
Buy your parents this book for Christmas. http://www.howtoraiseanadult.com/
RELAX. You sound like you also are trying to be controlling- a clash of the Titans with you and your parents. You NEED to learn how to have a life outside of academics. Sounds like you are reaching a breaking point. Have the above suggested conversation with your parents. Remember that your teachers know you and take parental calls with a grain of salt. Stop being “desperate” to attend a top college. Quit thinking about the impact of your grades on college and concentrate on learning, not the grade or how it may affect college admissions. You need a good dose of “what is, is”.
Follow the advice of posters and also discuss schools you might consider with your guidance counselor. Working too hard to get into your dream schools may not be in your best interest. You will thrive at so many schools that give a top notch education. However, overstressing yourself to get into tippy top schools and forever reaching is not a good way to live your life. There are far more gifted students than places for them at the most elite schools. These students get the high level of learning they need at many places, including Honors programs at flagship U’s. I assume you are a very hard working, very bright student because of how much work you are putting in at your HS.
A lesson in life ahead of you is knowing what you want in life. Eventually all of the striving will be finished and you will working. Presumably you will find a field and job that interests you. Whatever it is it should not be all consuming where you struggle to keep up.
Independence allows for others to offer advice. It also means learning to graciously ignore it. So much more I want to say but won’t. Maturity comes with learning how to deal with your abilities and limitations.
I’m curious … do you WANT to take multivariate cal? If so, I would advise you to tell you parents that it is your decision, and you have decided to stick with the class because you want to challenge yourself. If you do not want to take the class, I would ask yourself why. If you want to drop it just to raise your GPA, I would seriously ask you to consider sticking with it as a challenge. If you want to drop it because you are more interested in comparative government, then tell you parents you want to take comparative government and why you want to take it. As someone who has VERY overprotective parents, at some point you have to say enough already.
Remember that once you enroll at college, your professors will not be able to discuss your performance in class with your parents because it would violate FERPA guidelines. So take a deep breath, remind yourself this is temporary, and continue to do your best.