<p>Maybe if you asked a different question it would be easier on you. I find that if I ask what action of mine will bring out the best in others, I can do different things for different people. Throwing money at a kid who doesn’t need it, is unlikely to have any beneficial effect. He might save it, he might buy some expensive toy. But helping a kid have some extra spending money in NYC, might seem well worth it. I might give the kid a present of some money and say, “Go to a nice restaurant or a Broadway show, our treat.” Or at the end of the summer, I might say, you know, I think you deserve to have some more money in your savings account given how expensive NYC is, you probably weren’t able to save as much as if you’d been elsewhere. </p>
<p>For a principal, I’d say it’s my responsibility (assuming I can afford it), to hlep my my kids have worthwhile summer experiences and see to it that they have a roof over their head, and they don’t starve. But it’s not my responsibility to pay for it if they can do it themselves. </p>
<p>My parents paid my school year living expenses until I finished grad school. I had jobs that paid for the fun stuff. They never asked me to work, but it made me feel better to be as independent as I could. Summers I lived on my own I paid my own rent and food, but they were often more generous than they needed to be.</p>
<p>I am guessing the housing is the real issue. Getting a short term lease in a big city can be a big problem. </p>
<p>Internships can be a lot more fun and less expensive if student can hang with other interns. If the place that does the internship will release names of others that could help. I would also check with HR and ask them what others have done. </p>
<p>I did 4 internships (read id rather intern than face the real world) and they were a blast.</p>
<p>I am not sure that OP has stated whether the daughter asked for any subsidy. </p>
<p>My S knew years before he graduated from HS what the arrangement for college would be. The parental post HS commitment was for college.</p>
<p>After the start of college, I stopped “offering” things to my S on top of the stated commitment to college. I figured I’d consider a request, but saw too much risk of pointing/directing my S with my offers.</p>
<p>And, no, I did not think of providing my son with money for room and board in the summer as a parental responsibility. FWIW he did not ever ask, but he organized his summers in a way to cover his expenses from what he earned or had saved. And, that included all expenses when living in other cities.</p>
<p>This one seems like an easy “no” to me. I had no problem paying for my kids’ college education and would pay for grad school if I could (I can’t). But I see no reason to pay for the times when a kid is able to support themselves. </p>
<p>S has been self supporting in the summers through jobs and internships - living away from home. Honestly, I think it’s been great for his self-esteem and feelings of independence. I pay for tuition and room and board for college, and he does everything else. If he needed more money, I’d be there, but he hasn’t, and we both feel good about it.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think this would only be an issue for the most affluent. And I think it’s easy in that situation to be too generous and undermine your kid’s independence.</p>
<p>One important issue to consider…depending on the housing arrangement, the expenditure for housing might very well come BEFORE the intern earns a nickel. If it were me, I would absolutely pay the housing start up costs (deposit, first month’s rent, etc).</p>
<p>In NYC it is possible to get summer housing at NYU dorms, etc. for less money than subletting an apartment with roommates. If your D has her plans lined up now, she can book the cheapest housing available.</p>
<p>Thanks. It’s really not the money. It’s more about the principle of transitioning them from mom and dad’s dime to their own dime. And is it fair to change the rules in middle of the game.</p>
<p>Sometimes you don’t find out what the rules are until you have played a few rounds of the game and encountered situations you didn’t think about before.</p>
<p>I agree 100% with everything doughmom says above in her second two paragraphs, but I don’t reach the same conclusion she starts out with at all. I wanted my kids to be independent – and they basically were – but I wouldn’t have wanted them to turn down truly valuable educational/training/networking/prestige-mongering opportunities because they could earn $2 more per hour working at The Gap.</p>
<p>IMHO if the experience is mostly revenue neutral for the family as a whole, and if the internship opportunity is good, it is worth subsidizing to a limited extent. Apprenticeships, which is what a good internship really amounts to, usually are. You have to ask yourself if refusal to subsidize on principle would be pennywise and pound foolish.</p>
<p>The prevailing principle to date has been that we were responsible for their living expenses. One kid took summer classes, we paid tuition, room and board. One kid was a camp counselor one summer (earning money, but with room and board included) and lived on campus commuting to a downtown unpaid internship - but the costs of that housing were minuscule. I am grappling with when and how to transition to “you guys start paying”. H wants to have kid H handle entirely under the theory that the learning experience of managing the money is useful. I don’t disagree in theory but then I feel like I need a similar principle for Kid L - who doesn’t know yet (understandably) what will happen this summer.</p>
<p>“Refusing to subsidize” doesn’t mean turning down the internship or that the opportunity is lost. Kid H would be able to afford living expenses. That’s not the issue at hand</p>
<p>My take on dough moms point is that some families could not subsidize relocating.
My daughter has a good internship, but it is unpaid ( I think), she also has an on campus job which is only tangentially related.
Her sister wasn’t able to take on an internship at all, as her schoolwork and on campus job pretty much took up her time & energy.
However her computer services position did give her skills that came in very handy while she decided what path to pursue in grad school.</p>
<p>But we paid for as much as we could while they were in undergrad while still requiring them to take loans & work.</p>
<p>Pizza, your L kid may surprise you (it’s only December). Or you may learn that H kid fully expected to be self-supporting with such a fantastic opportunity in hand. So you may be deliberating for nothing. Have you asked your kids what their expectations are?</p>
<p>One of my kids got an internship overseas one summer during college. It came with transportation costs paid (they reimbursed you for the cost of the ticket the last week of work) and a moderate stipend which would not cover living expenses even for a REALLY careful kid. Plus- part of the opportunity of living and working overseas is to be able to explore the city without thinking that every time you board a bus you’ve just spent your grocery money.</p>
<p>I didn’t say a word about the finances (I hadn’t worked out in my own head how I felt about providing a moderate level of support yet) when the kid announced that since the last college exam was in mid-May, and the overseas job didn’t start until late June, kid was going back to a much loathed minimum wage job from the previous summer “to build up a war chest” before leaving the country. Kid proceeded to work every shift they’d allow, and did not complain. </p>
<p>In the end I was very happy that I hadn’t offered a stipend from the bank of mom and dad. Kid earned enough in a month to fully finance what the internship couldn’t cover, but figured out a solution independently without my checkbook to squash any initiative.</p>
<p>Of course, I am grateful that the kid didn’t need to do the hated job all summer to be able to cover part of tuition, so this is truly a “first world problem”. But my kids often surprised me… and keeping my mouth shut and waiting for the wheels to turn, vs. swooping in to problem-solve frequently turned out to be the better solution.</p>
<p>Well, I wouldn’t change the rules in the middle of the game if the rules were to pay for everything. We don’t have that rule so it doesn’t apply to my twins. Nor, does equality 'cause they are opposites in every way including finances. But, I tend to agree with your H with the caveat that I don’t see how giving him the R & B would undermine his independence since he has a cushion already and knows you will be there to bail him out if needed. Maybe, he would have fun living on his meager wages. A challenge.</p>
<p>I think both kid H and I know subsidy isn’t “needed.” I think kid H is also torn between wanting to be independent of mom and dad but (naturally) liking having that safety net. Kid H is very conscious of how much mom / dad have already given - not due to any guilting on our part, but that’s how kid H thinks.</p>
<p>The safety net is there whatever you decide in this situation and kid H knows it. Have the family conversation. It could be interesting but in the long run this is probably pretty meaningless.</p>