<p>Yesterday was a painful day. For the first time my child got turned down for a role she really thought she had. Has performed in this summer series in the ensemble for three eyars, had moved up the ladder, nailed her audtion (not just according to her, but to her friends that were all there at the time), and found out instead of being one of the features (Chorus Line), she was offered ensemble again. While she's waiting for feedback from the director as to what she could have done differently, and she is already looking at other options for the summer, I just feel so bad for her. I know this is the norm for theater, but for you veterans out there, how do you deal with this? How do you swallow your own hurt for your child, and then help them move ahead?</p>
<p>For the first time? Well then please let her know how lucky she has been! I don’t mean to be glib because I have so much compassion for what you and she are going through. It’s just that it has happened way too many times in our house. I lose sleep over it. Sometimes I wonder how my D can be sleeping, but I’m up in the middle of the night. </p>
<p>When my daughter auditions for pre-professional and professional roles she has much less angst over the part than when she auditions at camp, high school or in the community theater group she is active in. Seeing your theater friends in roles you wanted is painful, and unavoidable when it’s in your backyard. It feels so much more personal when it’s a director you have worked with before. No directors cast solely on talent. My D understands that casting decisions are often made by type, not just talent. Sometimes even with disregard for talent, it seems. Although it is a big part, type is more than a look, it is a quality that is hard to identify. It could be the tone in your voice. It could be that the leading man will be short, so they must pick a short leading lady (or vice versa). Agreeing with the director on what your type is, or another actor’s, is not always easy. My D has been a great ingenue in the past, but her high school director does not see her that way and would never give her the chance to prove it.</p>
<p>In local productions decisions are also made with other factors in mind, whether consciously or not. When the director gives your daughter feedback (great idea - I always have my daughter ask for it), he/she is unlikely to mention type, and it is guaranteed he/she will not mention that the other girl has three younger siblings they want to have in the program over the next 6 years, or a giant family who buys 30 tickets when their kid gets a big part. There are always factors she will never know.</p>
<p>Have her continue to train to make sure future decisions won’t be made on a lack of talent. But that probably wasn’t it anyway. Don’t burn any bridges, but change programs for the summer since there is still time!</p>
<p>Time helps - good luck!</p>
<p>As a parent, theatre professional and the Chair of a BFA program I understand so many different aspects of this post. I know what it’s like to see your child’s heart broken because the achievement they have worked for eluded them - at least in the short term. But as a theatre professional I must tell you that this is more a part of the business than getting roles. Teaching your child that the audition process is inelegant, messy, impossible to second guess, complex and likely not going to go the way you expected or wanted is vital. </p>
<p>When we see students in their first year in college it is always a shock when the initial cast lists go up. They are often devastated. Here they have been recruited to enter into a highly competitive BFA program so they “know” they are talented. They’ve likely received great roles in high school and now they are either not cast at all, or in a role they don’t see as “good.” We call it “regional treasure syndrome.” </p>
<p>The field is littered with actors who were not prepared for the disappointment that comes with the casting process. Not being cast in the preferred role will happen hundreds of times more than being cast. And steeling yourself against that disappointment and moving forward is an important part to the survival of being a working actor.</p>
<p>I certainly don’t know the director. And each one does something different. But don’t go to the director looking for an answer. He or she can’t likely point to something specific and the answer could be as maddening as “you didn’t physically fit in the line next to Actor A whom I needed to cast because he was the only tenor who could dance the role.” Or it may be something even less concrete. It’s the nature of casting an ensemble. “Fit” many times takes precedence over “talent.” Both are highly subjective.</p>
<p>My heart hurts for the parents and the student. But in the long run, this is a good lesson. Live fully in the ensemble, take what the director has to give, work hard. It isn’t about now, and the role isn’t going to make or break your career or chances at any level.</p>
<p>I think I’m taking it harder in many ways then my child is. She is probably more ticked off than disappointed. She is used to a very competitive environment, her high school is probably as competitive as most college programs, and she just really thought she had proven herself over the past several years to the directors in the summer series. I guess I’m overrreacting to a large degree, thinking this somehow is an indictment of her talent level as she starts putting together her school list, worrying that this could mean she won’t get an MT spot etc. How do I stop??</p>
<p>jeffand/or/ann, every parent on this forum has been there or will be there soon. We all feel for you.</p>
<p>Take Mr. Martin’s advice above by realizing that this is a good lesson. I also agree with his suggestion not to go to the director looking for an answer. (Again, all of us parents have wanted to do that at some point, and I’m glad to say some of us have resisted the temptation and are glad we did.)</p>
<p>As far as this snub determining whether or not your daughter will get an MT spot, you absolutely must understand and believe that the audition is infinitely more important than the resume. (Another lesson learned by some of us.)</p>
<p>Hang in there. If your daughter is good and still working to improve, she will be just fine.</p>
<p>Arrdad, thanks for the advice. I certainly wasn’t planning to talk to the director, in that regard I’m as far from a helicopter parent as you can get! I just hope my daughter gets constructive advice that helps her improve.</p>
<p>kjgc’s wisdom is spot on, in my opinion. How to gracefully accept casting decisions is one of the most important lessons that high school kids should be learning. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t, matter whether you’ve paid your dues. Unfortunately, not all high schools teach this lesson, and as kjgc said, when it happens for the first time in college, a lot of kids are devastated, which is sad. </p>
<p>I would also advise against looking at an ensemble role as somehow a snub or an “indictment of her talent level”.</p>
<p>I agree with what everyone has said, but I have two things to add. First, one of our favorite directors once said to my D, “You are all spices…you may be the best pepper in the world, but if the director is looking for pumpkin pie spice, you are not going to be cast.” It goes to the type thing, which goes beyond voice type into the person your child is. This really helped my daughter understand that NOT getting cast is not an indictment of her talent (sorry for the double negative). Second, haven’t you ever seen a show where an ensemble member or cameo role stole the show? My mother (an actress) always tells my D the age old adage, “There are no small parts, only small actors.” Your D has two choices - she can not take the part and try to find something else, understanding that she may end up with nothing, or she can take the role and try to do her absolute best. </p>
<p>I agree that sometimes the seeming unfairness of casting is harder on the parents than the kids. But they are going to be facing this ALL the time. Sometimes they won’t be what the director is looking for. Sometimes there will be someone better/more talented for the role. And sometimes, unfortunately, those “unfair” political reasons come into play. But, no one ever said life was fair, and this is all part of what the future holds for them. They have to rise above and do their very best.</p>
<p>monkey13 - I love that spice analogy and will definitely use it in the future when my D inevitably has a a disappointment.</p>
<p>While I wholeheartedly agree with the adage “There are no small parts, only small actors” in terms of the learning opportunity in every part, large or small, I disagree that it is appropriate to stand out in an ensemble role. Cameo roles aside, I find it annoying to see an ensemble member upstaging the others by turning it on a bit too much. Every ensemble member should be engaged and contribute, but not ever intend to steal the show. (Sorry, a little off topic, but a pet peeve of mine). </p>
<p>It is a tough choice to make: stay in the ensemble role and make the most of it OR jump ship and take your chances elsewhere. Our family never let our D drop a show, we felt that making the commitment happened at the time of the audition. If there were a box to check that she only wanted to be considered for a lead, she would sometimes check that. But now that she’s older, we may look at things differently if we were in your shoes. There is such limited time before college and she needs to find the program which will help her grow the most. Of course, that’s not necessarily wherever she will have the biggest part. And I assume your daughter does not plan to ask this director for a college recommendation?</p>
<p>Another adage to live by…and especially fitting here…is “other people’s successes are not your own failure”… It is hard as a parent watching our children not get everything they want, or have worked very hard to get, but it is all a part of the territory. Time will heal, she will move on and get other roles, and grow from this experience.</p>
<p>A high school student’s perspective: </p>
<p>I haven’t played a major lead or supporting role for three years. I haven’t had a full solo song for two years. I just want to reiterate that it’s not about talent: I’ve had callbacks, I’ve been an understudy, but I haven’t “struck gold” in a while. It’s just the way the cards fall. I am at peace with that. I won’t deny that it took me a while to get to this point, but I’m glad I am. I get real joy from what I’ve been doing recently on stage. Being in smaller roles/being in the ensemble has taught me so much. I personally think being a good ensemble member is one of the hardest things I have had to learn as an actor thus far. It’s about
- having a defined character arc without pulling focus
- feeding energy to the rest of the cast
- really acting your way through your music and choreography, because most of the time you (personally) will have no dialogue to back your actions up
- how to work 100% as a unit with your other ensemble members
- how to constantly be giving it your all (in a LOT of shows I’ve been in, the ensemble hardly ever gets a break)
among other things. These are things that I’m constantly learning more about and getting to be better at. I feel like being a good ensemble member is an essential skill, but really selling it on stage doesn’t happen overnight. Like anything in theatre, it’s a process. </p>
<p>The most important thing is that anyone who gets cast in an ensemble role goes into rehearsal ready to LIVE in the role. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen shows (youth theatre especially) that just drag because you can tell that there are people who don’t want to be doing what they’re doing because they’re too obsessed with wanting x person’s solo. </p>
<p>On a semi-related note, make sure your daughter does whatever she needs to “get over” not getting cast in the role! The one time I didn’t enjoy an ensemble experience was my sophomore year production of Oklahoma!, where I thought I was strong enough (or rather, strong-willed enough - I have always been tenacious, even at 14) to not have to cry over my disappointment of not getting cast as Laurey. It was a mistake for me, as I ended up carrying around disappointment and resentment for quite a while. The moral of the story? Emotions are there for a reason, listen to them! ;)</p>
<p>Hope you and your daughter are holding up well.</p>
<p>Thanks to all, and I certainly didn’t mean in any way to diminish the improtance of ensemble members, or that my daughter has not enjoyed and learned from her ensemble parts, or that she wouldn’t do this part this coming summer. It was just really the first time she thought she had nailed an audition for a aprt and then was pretty disappointed. The comments from everyone have helped me as a parent gain perspective and deal with it. Frankly she deals with it much better than I do!</p>
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<p>Depending on the show, and the role, it is sometimes inevitable, and, often, intended. In Rent, for example, soloist #1 steals the show in every performance, or at least she should. 
It’s a good example of a show where the ensemble members are extremely important to the success of the overall show, and equally important as the leads. </p>
<p>An anecdote about ensemble roles. An actor I’ve known for many, many years has worked steady professionally in NY, almost always in ensemble roles and she is often referred to in the theatre community as a ‘super swing’. In a few of the shows she was in, including on Broadway, she was ‘passed over’ for full-time roles that she covered as a swing because she made herself virtually irreplaceable in the ensemble. Students who feel that an ensemble role is beneath them somehow (and I’m not referring to the OP’s D here, but in general) should disabuse themselves of that notion, in a hurry.</p>
<p>My daughter never had a lead in middle school and she was an understudy several times. She did get a lead as a junior in high school which was a huge part. In her senior year, she was back in the ensemble. She’s a really great dancer. When she got the lead her junior year, it was the right part for her and she “beat” out over 65 girls to get it. She had great college auditions and chose to get a BFA Acting for a lot of intelligent reasons. Anyway, there’s a girl at her school that was always cast as a lead in middle school and was always an ensemble member until this year when she got a named role. This girl would always ask my daughter if she got a callback when she could see the list for herself. She would always rub it in my daughter’s face when she got a part in a show. In fact, she would rub it in everyone’s face. When my daughter got that lead in her junior year, that girl cried and didn’t talk to my daughter for about a week- the part was between her and my daughter. She constantly kisses up to the teachers and the chorus teacher talks about how great she is. However, we have always felt that she is very pitchy, cannot act, and tries to copy my daughter in so many things that she even used a song my daughter did for her college auditions (my daughter even warned her that the song was not right for her). I always told my daughter to stay focused and to just keep working hard. Bottom line- that girl auditioned for 8 MT programs and was rejected from every single one of them (one of them was a summer program she attended in hopes that she would get into the college). She embellished her resume in attempt to make her look better. She told my daughter that next year she would try again but for a BFA Acting as she felt acting was her strong point- believe me- it is NOT. The girl has had so many people tell her that she is great when she really isn’t. I have always been very real with my daughter and I think it has paid off. Also, because of all these experiences in school, she has developed a thick skin and knows when she hasn’t been cast, she just moves on to the next project. She knows that she just wasn’t the vision of the director at that time. Luckily, in the real world, there are more than 3 directors! High school is just dust in the wind!</p>
<p>Thanks again for all this input. I should emphasize that the summer program is wonderful with wonderful people and my daughter has had great experiences and growth there. For which I am very thankful. My point in beginning this was to get input on how as the parent I cope with my own personal disappointment and provide advice, and you’ve all been very helpful.</p>
<p>I handle MY disappointment when my daughter experiences rejection by reminding myself that I believe God is in complete control of her life. If she didn’t get something that she really wanted, it is because it wasn’t in His plan for her. I believe that disappointments are not setbacks. They are setups. God is setting her up for something better.</p>
<p>Amen to that, klto64. I agree wholeheartedly with the idea that only God can see the bigger plan and He knows what is ultimately best for all involved. I also believe that we learn more from our disappointments than from the times that we get what we wanted. Along with that, I’ve tried to teach my two daughters (both do theatre) that sometimes it is not about them at all. Sometimes it is about what is best for someone else. Sometimes someone else needed that success, that bigger part or vote of confidence more than them. Sometimes it is just someone else’s turn. </p>
<p>With that said, it is still difficult to see your child broken hearted with disappointment. Having lived through those nights of tears when the cast list went up, I am always reminded to say a little prayer for the other families when my kid is pleased by what they see on the cast list. As my fellow drama mamas and I always say, being a theatre parent is not for sissies!!</p>
<p>I would add that experiencing disappointment in casting early on may give you (the parent) coping skills that you will need for later on. I had to learn the hard way. My D was cast as a lead in almost every show she did from age 13 on. This was after 8 years of non-stop ensemble parts because she was too young and inexperienced to play a lead. </p>
<p>So when she started to get leads, and kept getting them, it began to sort of feel like she would always be a lead. For some shows, she knew going into the show that there was no appropriate part for her and she planned for being in the ensemble. So she really was NEVER disappointed with the casting and I had never learned to deal with it.</p>
<p>Fast forward to her very first college auditions. She felt very prepared and very confident and she chose a couple of early audition dates in hopes of getting an early acceptance so that she could relax going into the busier audition season. Imagine our SHOCK when the very first response she received was an unceremonious and immediate rejection! And since the letter she received invited questions, she asked for and received feedback that was extremely discouraging. Let me tell you, that was a devastating experience for ME as her mom! I was way more upset about it than she was. I really questioned whether perhaps we had been mistaken about her ability to be competitive in this field.</p>
<p>There may be some students who would have been crushed by the experience, but fortunately D is not that type of personality. She took it in stride and said that this was just one school’s opinion and that there would likely be plenty of others that had the same opinion, but there would likely be others who felt she was perfect for their program. Turns out she was right on both counts! And I learned from my kid (not for the first nor probably, the last time) how to handle rejection with calm and grace, knowing that your self-worth does not come from the opinion of one school or one casting director.</p>
<p>As a parent, I can truly understand how difficult it is to see your child disappointed when not cast. It is going to happen time and again in this field and so at some point, they have to get used to it. In your D’s case, she may very well have had a fantastic audition and still not been cast. Not being cast is not necessarily an indicator of not doing well or not being the best. </p>
<p>And of course, she did get cast in ensemble and I disagree with one poster who thought ensemble members can’t or should not stand out. I have seen countless shows and there are ensemble members who have great stage presence and truly stand out in a positive way and you can’t take your eyes off of them. </p>
<p>Anyway, I recall the first time my kid was not cast in our region, after being used to being cast every time she auditioned. She was 13. It was at our largest theater in the state and she had already been in two shows there when younger (Molly in Annie and Baby June in Gypsy) and so they knew of her “talent.” This show was Sound of Music and 200 kids tried out for the kid roles (it was an adult production). My D made it to the final callbacks. She was up for Louisa (final two), though in the final callbacks, they also had her sing and read for Liesl, even though she was just 13 and the other “finalists” were 16. She ended up not being cast for the first time ever (not counting Broadway). She knew she had done well in the auditions. Later, it so happens one of the people associated with the theater company came in as a patient of my husband’s, though we really don’t know this person well at all. He told my husband that my daughter had the best audition of the 200 kids they auditioned! He went on to say that they were frustrated to not be able to use her because the 16 year old who were up for the role of Liesl were not that much taller than my D, who had been up for Louisa…and so not enough of that “staircase” look they like to have for the VonTrapp kids. She was too young really to play Liesl, even though they tried her out in that role just to see if they could cast her in the show. So, they used one of the 16 year old finalists for Liesl and then a 12 year old shorter girl for Louisa and my kid was not in it at all. While it was disappointing, I thought it was a GREAT experience for her to have at age 13 for someone going into this field who had met with success in every audition she had been to prior to that. At some point, she had to observe that you can have a great audition, but not be cast due to some things beyond one’s control. The other time that happened was around age 12 when she was seen five times for the National Tour of Annie…first was a finalist for one of the orphans, and then months later was called into NYC as a finalist for the replacement of Annie. It came down to three girls they called in for it, including my D. The other two girls were blond. The producer told my D that they went with a blond since they had fairer skin (my D does not have fair skin) and would look better in a red wig. I thought again, this was a great lesson to experience the very competitive NY theater audition scene because when she got older and out in the world, this was gonna happen a LOT. </p>
<p>So, I happen to think it is good to have this happen once in a while when you are young because it is the name of the game once they hit the professional audition circuit!! The one cast is not necessarily the one with the best audition, though must certainly have a terrific audition…but you can have a terrific audition and not fit the part in some way or another. So good to learn this when young if going into this field. </p>
<p>I hope your D wows them in ensemble. I love A Chorus Line musical!</p>
<p>It is hard to see our kids hurting isn’t it?! I’m not sure if this will help as I’m not really clear if she’s not cast at all or just didn’t get the role she wanted . . . After my D’s very first audition for her very first show she was disappointed to not get the role she wanted (which frankly was completely the wrong role for her). I told her that she had a day to fuss about it (privately) and then move on. She’s actually quoted that on separate occasions since . . . “Okay, I have a day to be mad/sad/bummed and then I’m moving on.” </p>
<p>My expectation was that she would be a “good sport” and fulfill the obligations she made to the show when she signed up and agreed to any role (youth/community theatre). I expected that she throw herself into the show with her best effort . . . if she couldn’t agree to do that, I told her I’d pull her from the show and there would be no others. </p>
<p>One year in HS she wasn’t cast in a play AT ALL . . . she was assigned to “tech”. This felt pretty vindictive of the theatre teacher, as she resented (publicly) kids who did community theatre, but that’s another story for another day . . . . Anyway, my D was really mad, frustrated and pretty peeved at first, but she didn’t quit (even though she wanted to badly) and I’m proud of her for that. After reflecting on it, she felt sticking with the play was one of the best things that she could have ever experienced. She gained a whole new respect for the thankless jobs in theatre and it changed her for the better. She makes a point to really be appreciative of the tech folks and everyone else who is not on stage. She actually still has it on her resume as she’s pretty proud of it.</p>
<p>My point is that it is hard, but there’s something to be learned from it . . . and isn’t that what life is? A series of ups and downs? Maybe your daughter had to feel that rejection to strengthen her resolve about something else that’s coming up in her life? I hate to see my girl struggling, but the good news is is that at this point, our kids have us to support and help guide them . . . pretty soon they will have to face these challenges all on their own.</p>