I know well that when a student is attempting to gain admission to a college, its the student but not the parent who should be doing the communicating. My daughter did plenty of that. When we visited, she did all the talking/asking questions.
But now she’s been admitted and she (and I) have some questions. My daughter is extremely busy right now with work and activities) I called the admission office and they gave me a name to talk to. When I communicated with the person (via e-mail) about setting up a time to talk, they seemed to want to talk only to my daughter. I told them it would be me and they didn’t say no, but I get the feeling they think its inappropriate.
Am I out of line here? (Not that I care that much…frankly since she was admitted, she’s in the driver’s seat here).
I think it’s fine to call with general questions which I did, but requesting a time for an in-depth discussion with a parent seems a bit unusual. Remember that they’re pressed with applications for regular decisions as well.
It depends upon the issues and questions. I think it’s perfectly appropriate if you have some questions about the school that your daughter does not and you want the info. It would be more time consuming to have your daughter ask the question and then convey the answer and then you have more questions based on that.
Generally, you are pretty much done with the Admissions dept after admitted, so a lot of questions might be things that involve being directed to other departments, and the Dean of students or some other dept might be a better place to have questions. But if you have some specific questions for admissions, absoutely, you should ask.
I asked my question to admissions and they directed me to a specific person in admissions who handles the topics I asked about… They said you deal with admissions even after you are admitted, until you commit.
With all due respect, if the questions are truly important, I do not see how an interested student cannot find the time for a phone call to a school where she will spend the next four years. Are you sure that the questions cannot be answered by checking the website or communicating via email. Fwiw, the school will not know who is actually typing the email … so there is your opportunity.
Please note that I have always been VERY much in favor of parents providing all kind of administrative help to their kids as some matters are better handled by a parent, but unless this is directly about FINANCES, I really think you should set it up but having your daughter make the phone call.
I’ll bet a few donuts that she has no problems finding the time to stay current on her social media activities. Schools expect the students to assume the full responsibility of their stay in college. They are not always right about that, but it is the way it is.
I think that your daughter should be present and participate in any discussion. Barring that, she can email the person to whom you were referred with her list of questions.
College will be as busy and stressful as her days are now. She needs to learn to handle things by herself, and you need to learn to allow her to do that. You will not be able to contact the school every time she has a question or a problem.
If you are talking about financial issues (and admissions does handle merit aid), ask away. I also have had a number of issues that I handled with admissions like following up on documents that, while my daughter could have handled them, it was just easier for me. Sometimes they needed things faxed and I could do that from my office but my daughter would have had to make copies, mail them, wait. We weren’t trying to impress anyone in admissions with how independent my daughter was because she was already admitted and, in fact, she’s not all that independent. She was 16 when dealing with admissions. She didn’t understand all the money and where it was coming from, so she asked me to handle it.
This really hasn’t changed much. Everyone says you are done with admissions when you are admitted, but I haven’t found that to be true. When my daughter went to register for second semester, there was a hold on her account because the admissions office didn’t have her final high school transcript. I called the high school and they assured me they sent it, but they sent again. A week later, college still didn’t have it. I call and oh, they not only had it, they’d had it since the summer when it was first sent. My daughter had two files, and two student numbers. The transcripts were in an ‘extender’ file that hadn’t been incorporated into her files. Daughter had stood at the registration window all morning and no one could help her. One call from me to the financial aid office fixed it (even though it was an admissions hold). At her school, it seems no department talks to any other department, and common sense on how to handle things also seems to be a little lacking. Everyone is nice, it just drives me crazy how many times I need to be transferred to get any question answered. If I put my daughter into the middle of this game of telephone, I’d never get the answers.
“but unless this is directly about FINANCES, I really think you should set it up but having your daughter make the phone call.”
Agree with xiggy. The only time I spoke with my daughter’s school is when she had to withdraw for a semester due to severe mono. I spoke with the bursar’s office how withdrawal would affect tuition – in part because I would be paying it, and in part because my daughter really was too weak to call herself.
Just finances? Nope. I’ll call myself if I have questions. If it 's something that my student is wondering about or should be heavily involved, yes, I’ll have him call, but sometimes I have questions that have future questions based on the answers and it would take too much time for someone else to call for me. Doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the student either. I have some questions that are just general ones.
There are some issues that I think the student needs to address personally, but there are also things that a parent might want to know and not have to go through the student to find out. I’m not going to wait till my kid comes home from school which isn’t till about 6Pm to tell him to call the about something the next day, and then have another question about the answer. Nope. I’ll call myself.
I’m not buying a kid being too busy to craft an email now that you’ve identified the right person in admissions to talk to. Not buying it. I bet the staffer would prefer a nice two paragraph email vs. a twenty minute phone call anyway.
I suspect we worry about it too much. D is still applying for next fall. If I have a question… I don’t see a problem with asking the college directly. I do try to get D to do more of that, and she is capable…I don’t think she needs to learn how to ask a question, but sometimes she just isn’t as interested in the answer as I am, or isn’t as anxious to get the answer. This college transition doesn’t only affect our kids, it affects us too.
@maya54: Congratulations on your daughter’s admission. Except for purely financial matters, I believe your direct involvement is inappropriate (although not horribly so); however, it has an even more deleterious aspect. Specifically, she need to learn how to deal with all sorts of situations and all sorts people – you don’t. That’s as critical an element of her near-term education as anything she’ll likely learn during the next four years in the university’s classrooms, libraries or laboratories. Furthermore, what more benign practice could she have, than as an admitted student, at her likely alma mater, where staff and faculty are paid and primed to assist her in every way? Please don’t cheat her of this important learning. If a truly serious question/situation should arise, of course you should be involved, but that’s fairly unlikely. Until then, work with her and prepare her, but allow her deal with her college.
I think there are times that parents can call about things other than financial matters. Last fall DS who is a sophomore ended up with a hold on his account for a immunization problem. He was at school. I was at home with copies of his health records. So I called to handle it.
I agree that there is a finite number of things that a parent can do directly with a college: finances, account holds related to paperwork or finances, childhood immunizations. I also communicated with the disabilities office little bit about #3 after he was enrolled. #3’s high school took care of sending all of the documentation, but I made a follow up call just to make sure they had everything #3 needed prior to his arrival on campus and his meeting with the disabilities office. I don’t think questions about class scheduling, housing, food service, and normal day to day “stuff” are appropriate for the parent and I agree that most kids can squeeze out an e-mail at midnight to ask any of those sorts of questions. I don’t think I’ve ever directly contacted admissions at any of the colleges that my kids attended.
IMO, either way works. Appropriate is in the eye of the beholder. OP: Go ahead and call if your daughter is super busy, unless she would prefer to do it herself. You sound like a sensible person and I’m sure you’ll know if you reach the point where the admissions people really need to talk to her instead of you.
As for the theory that your daughter should/must do it, because it will be good training for her later, I don’t see the logic. She will have plenty of years of her life of taking care of stuff. Maybe one day she’ll remember how kind and supportive you were, and happily take care of you.
Parents foresee and understand issues from an adult perspective which other adults need to answer for them. I have zero regrets that I often contacted admissions on my own during the application season. OTOH, we were a major financial aid family, and there were some complex issues regarding that realm which my D’s were not even aware of. Financial aid is hardly exclusively “the student’s job.” The parent’s or parents’ income, and the different forms (not just FAFSA) being used & the different expectations of the various colleges make it almost imperative that parents get involved. Absolutely no one at any admissions or financial aid office was alarmed or offended or expressed disapproval and told me it was “my daughter’s job.” And I would have considered that extremely rude and inappropriate if they had.
I think it’s fine to ask a few questions - it depends on the student and while they should be able to handle most of the issues regarding admissions, many are still in the learning mode of handling such a large decision, so I think it needs to be a case by case decision. Regarding time - my son calls during his lunch hour - that was about the only time the admissions offices were open when he was not in classes or an activity. If the question is not urgent (as in the answer is needed within 3 days) then perhaps she could send an e-mail with her questions.
I called the financial aid office on behalf of my son - anonymously, though I’m sure they have caller ID
If you get any flak, I would suggest that you ask your daughter if you can go through their online materials, those specific to her admission, and print out and review all you can. For example, I know my son can’t put down housing choices until March 1. I know that there are three sets of days, the first not mandatory in April, the next two in August and mandatory, for new students.
At the very worst, write up an email with questions and let your daughter send it. Such as:
Could you clarify when the housing deposit is due for incoming freshman?
When is the earliest a student can move in?
or whatever.
I guess the only thing in my mind is if the questions are “worried parent” type questions like “how safe is it?” or “are people nice there?”, people would not want to talk to you. Accepted student days usually have activities for parents/families as well as the students where you can ask all the questions you want.
You could also preface your call by “my daughter would want to call, but she is at track/swimming/gymnastics/mountain climbing after school until 5 pm, and I am trying to help her get a few answers to her questions”. I’m sure they can understand that.
Or make an appointment during her lunch time, and have her take or make the call in her guidance counselor’s office. That is how we do alumni interviews at high schools, we use a guidance counselor’s office and the applicant has to miss a class or lunch.
This college transition doesn’t only affect our kids, it affects us too.