<p>Help. I have info on a kid accepted to a prestigious school who has been arrested twice in the last month for drunk & disorderly and once for drug poseesion. Confirmed, this is not second hand info. He has a serious drinking problem, but his parents are trying to hide it from the school. We know several waitlisters who would love to be accepted there, but that's not the point. This is not at all a personal vendetta, though I am concerned it could be construed as such. It is an attempt to help a kid with a problem whose parents are sweeping it under the rug so he can attend this prestigious school. He needs help with it before he goes off to college or he will literally die. Do I inform the school so that they can take action to force his parents to get him help? Do I stay completely out of it? He is a minor, BTW. What would you do?</p>
<p>Part of this has to do with how well you know the parents, the kid, the school. One aspect you have to understand is that this could be a one-sided issue. Do you know this kid drinks because that’s what he does at your house with your kids? Do you know for sure his parents are denying he has a problem? </p>
<p>It’s quite possible this information will come out. I (hope!) schools are more diligent about the kids before they attend either from the police or from his current school. After awhile, unless you are given the authority to help, you have to absolve yourself from taking over. Understand this: if he was 18 years old and he’s your own child, you aren’t technically required to help.</p>
<p>Stay out of it as far as the college is concerned. It is WAY outside your scope to make contact with the school in any way, and I hope the school would feel that way too.</p>
<p>As far as the student personally, can you talk to a guidance counselor, a minister, an extended family member of the kid? That would be far more appropriate.</p>
<p>It does sound like he needs help but I don’t see what his future school has to do with it. If his parents don’t care, why not talk to someone at his current school? </p>
<p>Guidance counselors deal with kids who have problems like this all the time-- and they know him, his parents, etc. I think you could talk to guidance about it, tell them all you know, and then let them do as they see fit. Beyond that (besides talking to him, or his parents, yourself), I don’t see what you can, or should, do.</p>
<p>What would you do to help this student and his family if he were NOT going to college at all? Keep college admissions out of the mix and be helpful to the student and his family but only if you are very close friends and they ask you for their help.</p>
<p>If this child has presented himself this way at your house and you have reason to believe the parents don’t know…this could be helpful to them. If you are passing on information that is second or third hand, personally I think you should stay out of it.</p>
<p>I would stay out of it. It is not the place for us to get involved. It is the parent’s job. In addition, if you tell the school, the kid gets rescinded, then it will do an immediate harm to the kid. I assume that is not what you wish to see.</p>
<ol>
<li>Know family initmately. They are aware of problem, picked him up from jail each time. More interested in name school than son’s well being. Prestigious local family. Specifically asked those kids who know to hide it from extended family.</li>
<li>Witnessed this behavior personally as he tries to stay here to hide instead of going home. Have had many talks with him about it. Denies it. Says intense family pressure is the real issue.</li>
<li>One arrest happened during a campus visit (but not by campus police), which is what made me think of the college. </li>
<li>If I go to (strict private) high school guidance counselor, he will be expelled. Then he can’t ever go to college. That seems counterproductive.</li>
<li>Want what’s best for kid and will not get help from parents. Open to all suggestions. Thanks, all.</li>
</ol>
<p>Not going to the prestigious school will not save this kid. If you can talk to his parents, it could be worth a try though.</p>
<p>I know a young man who was arrested for drug and drink charges some years ago. He had been accepted early to a HYP school. The parents were in touch with the college and he was going into a program in the summer. I believe he ended up taking a gap year and his now a graduate of his college. It was a tough road for him to stay away from contraband, something he still does not do entirely, but he has not gotten into trouble in a while.</p>
<p>When word of his issues came out, people were all salivating to tell the college, tell the high school. It became clear that the high school knew and later that the college did. Yes, even the ivies have kids who get into trouble and they don’t immediately dump the kid. I know another kid convicted of vandalism that is now an ivy graduate, and yes, the college knew</p>
<p>Telling the college is not necessarily going to free up a space. There is a chance it would, but there is usually a margin of safety that a school has before going to the wait list. </p>
<p>Of more concern is whether the parents and kid are getting help in these issues. Whether they tell the college or not, if there isn’t some concerted effort being made, not just going through the motions, this is not a person who is in good shape to head off to college. A lot of parents fear that they are going to compromise their kid’s immediate future in dealing with these things, hoping that they are merely youthful indiscretions and high times, when they can be the signs of a deadly problem. But again, you don’t know what is happening in that front. I just pray that the issues are being addressed effectively, no small task. </p>
<p>Unless it is your job to be patrolling these things, I don’t see why you are so concerned about this very sad case. I don’t get the feeling that your motives are altruistic at all. There are times when one should report someone because the consequences to the person and others have truly dire possibilities. You don’t know the details of what the family is doing and they are beleagured enough without your help.</p>
<p>It sounds like the parents know. It sounds like an unfortunate situation but you can’t force this family to seek help for THEIR child. They have the information, they know the problem. While you many not agree with their decisions, it really is their decision in the end. If he’s been picked up by the police that many times, he will need to have a good lawyer to completely cover this up.</p>
<p>I recommend talking to the parents, perhaps emphasizing (even though it’s not the most important factor, but it might be for them) that if their son goes to college without getting treatment and gets sick or in trouble there, he might get kicked out of college.</p>
<p>This is a tough situation, obviously. If you know the kid well enough, you might suggest he get help at the student health center and/or counseling center on campus next fall. It sounds like the parents are part of the problem here, so perhaps distance from them will actually be helpful to this kid, especially if he’s open to getting help. One suggestion I’d make is to couch it in terms of him being able to benefit from a free and confidential forum to talk about family issues and other stresses he’s facing rather than just drinking problems. He might be more open to the process if it is approached in this way.</p>
<p>If you know the family intimately, then you should try to talk some sense into the parents so that the kid gets into appropriate therapy. The school the kid is accepted to is simply irrelevant; if he attends, he won’t be the first kid at a top college with a serious drug/alcohol problem. If you contact Admissions and try and get him rescinded, it would be hard for him (or anyone) to construe your “help” as anything but a vengeful or envious action.</p>
<p>Since recovering “addicts” are protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act it may be in his best interest (in more than one way)to get himself into counseling. Then if it becomes known by the college, he may not (and should not) suffer any consequences of his behaviors. This might be an argument to make to his parents vs. going to the college.</p>
<p>let the parents read this thread:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/159778-must-read-parents-students-lessons-learned-tragedy.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/159778-must-read-parents-students-lessons-learned-tragedy.html</a></p>
<p>a very similar kid it seems. He was an active poster on CC, some of his posts are quoted in the thread.</p>
<p>@CPTofthehouse: Nope. Not my job. Just a last ditch effort to help a kid I’ve known for 16 years whose parents are too concerned with status to care. I HAVE approched mom, a good friend. Told me he’s fine and to hide it from her family or they won’t pay for college. Dad is absent. I’m looking for help here, not judgement. What would I have to gain from this? My kid is already into the college of his choice, which didn’t include this one. I’m grasping for straws before he hurts himself and looking for answers. Thanks to those with constructive ideas!</p>
<p>@nngmm LOVE it! This is him to a tee. Thank you.</p>
<p>OP, have you ever read, The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom? If you contact the college that this kid is planning on attending and they rescind the offer of admission, then this kid will be on a totally different life path. Are you prepared to be responsible for this possible life path change for another individual? Please think about that as you ponder what you are going to do.</p>
<p>I never said I was planning on calling admissions, I was thinking of contacting the health center or a school counselor. This occured to me only because calling his high school counselor will get him expelled, which changes his life even more negatively. I am more prepared to help the kid now rather than go to his funeral. Just can’t figure out how. It appears that most here believe I should stay out of it, and maybe I will, with a heavy heart. Thank you.</p>
<p>If you know the parents well and I mean very well, you could try and broach the subject with them but only if you have first hand knowledge and you say you do not. If this student, in fact, is going to “literally die” as you say without intervention, I’m hard pressed to believe that the family is not aware. You “say” he was caught with drug posession, if he had something other than a joint they will be acutely aware of the consequences. They are certainly right now dealing with lawyers and the legal consequences. You should not call the college, they have no jurisdiction in this and there is nothing they can do. The college can certainly not “force” the parents to do anything since the student is not in the college yet. As far as rescinding, I wouldn’t count on it. Again, unless you are close, close friends of those parents or you know their child very well, it is not really not your place to “talk to them.”</p>