<p>Well, all of the decisions are in, and, happily, there are several good choices. But, DS is leaning to selecting a school that I have developed a real dislike for over the past couple of months. The cost is significantly more ($20-$40k more/year than the other choices) so I could use that as a reason to use the parental veto, but if we all really liked the school we would try to find a way to work it out. I've always been 100% in support of him making this choice on his own, but... So, I'm torn between removing myself from the decision-making process to keep my bias out of it, or to stay involved and hope that I can help him see the merits of his other options.</p>
<p>If your DS doesnt like the school he/she matriculates to, how is he/she supposed to succeed?</p>
<p>What prompted your increasing dislike for this school?</p>
<p>Wow, that’s a big price difference. I would be tempted to say, “Look, you’ll get a good education at these other schools, also, and my gut feeling is that the school you’re leaning towards isn’t the best one for you. Here’s what we’ll do: Put $10,000 a year into savings, and then you’ll have a great headstart once you get out of school.” </p>
<p>I guess I’m old-fashioned, but if YOU dislike the school and are paying the bills, that should count for something.</p>
<p>metalforever – wow. Where did you get the impression that I would force him to go to a school that he didn’t like? Selecting a school from a list of those that you like is a weighing of pros and cons, and my question is just whether or not I should mention my “cons” to him or stay out of it.</p>
<p>Plus $160k more over 4 years pretty hard to ignore. DH and I have been trying to come up with a way that will make the price difference something that DS can relate to. I like your idea, MaineLonghorn!</p>
<p>My concerns are just little things based on interactions that both DS and I have had with the school. The difference between this school and the others he has been accepted to are hard to ignore.</p>
<p>My personal philosophy is that I am not my child - and college is my child’s decision, not mine. PAYING for it, though, IS where I get to make a decision. </p>
<p>If your son’s chosen school was the same price as the others, I would suggest letting him make the decision & live with the consequences of that decision. However, since it is significantly more expensive, you certainly have a legitimate reason to say no. You seem uncomfortable about telling him it’s too expensive - why? Life involves making choices based on cost (for most of us, anyway). What’s wrong with telling your son he has some great options that cost significantly less than his favorite - and that you are only going to pay for a less expensive option? You aren’t second-guessing his choice this way. You are making an informed decision based on finances.</p>
<p>Indiana91, the mention of parental veto might have caused the misunderstanding. I think discussing the pros and cons of all the schools with your son is a good idea. Let him lead the discussion with what he thinks and then point out other considerations he may have not weighed. Last year my son was admitted to a terrific school which seemed like it would be a fit in many ways. I learned more about the school culture here on CC, though, and had concerns that despite the many positives, the school might ultimately prove to be a poor choice for him. I shared my concern with him and he agreed. It was something he wouldn’t have realized on his own, and not discussing it would have been doing him a disservice. It seems to me you’re in that same type of situation. As adults I think we’re able to pick up on some things more readily than the kids. And yes, 160K isn’t something most families can ignore! That’s another area it can be hard for kids to relate to.</p>
<p>I’m a HS senior, but I think you should mention it to him. I’ve got my list narrowed down to 3 colleges pretty much, and I have a $22k/year scholarship (that would be $88k over 4 years). My parents have commented on it (and I’m okay with that), but they’re not forcing me to go there. I know that if I choose this school, that’s $88k my parents/I WON’T be in debt, but if, when I visit next month, I HATE it? I don’t think it’s worth being miserable.</p>
<p>Other than the price, what is it you don’t like about the school? Remember, it is not you, but your son that will be attending. If it’s a safety thing (i.e. lots of crime in the area?) or something like really prevalent alcohol/drug use, DEFINITELY tell your son your concerns- you are his parent, of course you are concerned for his safety and health. But if it’s something like presence/absence of Greek life or sports, large class sizes, location, or the general “feel” of the campus (artsy? conservative? athletic? studying all the time?), you might want to mention it, but remember that something that is a negative for you (as a random example- D1 sports, and a sports-focused campus) might be a positive for your son.</p>
<p>Something that costs an extra $80-160K would have to really provide a lot of additional value and I’d have to not have any significant reservations about it to make it anywhere close to worth it in my mind. If the parents are paying for this, they have the right to a parental veto and should be prudent about whether the investment makes sense. If it’s the S that would ultimately pay for this (by repaying loans the parent is co-signing for) then it’s still important that the parent provide guidance since most 17/18 y/o don’t have the experience necessary to make this important of a financial decision.</p>
<p>Although some parents do it, it doesn’t make sense to me for the parent to provide the delta in cost or a portion thereof to the student as free money in their bank account should they choose to go to the less expensive college since IMO paying for college isn’t really a cash gift to the kid but rather an investment in the student’s education.</p>
<p>So, if you’re paying, you should be happy and comfortable and involved in valuing the expensive choice - IMO.</p>
<p>Your money, your choice. His money, his choice.</p>
<p>One of the first bits of advice I ever heard about my expected parental role in the college application process was to discuss finances right up front and make your financial intentions perfectly clear from the start – or as clear as we can make them, given all the unknowns.</p>
<p>One of the reasons this college admissions lady said this when she came to our high school to give a speech, is because so many parents find themselves in your boat when it’s time to make final decisions. She pointed out how much more difficult it is to make the decisions when hurt feelings or a child’s suddenly-lowered expectations hang in the balance.</p>
<p>I am so glad I was lucky enough to hear this from her. </p>
<p>Your family’s money is his family’s reality … and he has to deal with it.</p>
<p>I really don’t see anything wrong with it. And neither did the admissions lady who gave the speech at our large high school. She did, however, warn that if you’re not up-front about this from the start, it can be very painful to enforce in the end – because you don’t want your sweet child to be disappointed or let-down, and you don’t want to be the bad guy or feel as though you’re controlling their college choice.</p>
<p>But, the reality is, money is a huge factor for many of us. And 17 and 18 year-olds are really too young to understand the severity of an $80,000 to $160,000 debt at the end of 4 years with nothing but a bachelor’s degree to pay it off!</p>
<p>I can understand your position, Indiana91, and I feel for you. I support your desire to weigh in on his college choice 100%. Like you said, he likes lots of his choices. Nobody ever said he was entitled to his FIRST choice.</p>
<p>Of course, I realize you’re talking about not liking his first choice for reasons other than money. It seems healthiest to me to allow him to choose his own college fit, in general. That’s a whole different issue. But – WOW – the money difference. You are perfectly right to get involved in the decision as long as you’re paying the bills!</p>
<p>IMO for the kind of investment you’re talking about, you have veto power. Most 17/18 year olds don’t know what they don’t know–both about schools and about debt.</p>
<p>I do believe much depends on what your DS was told up front. Our kids were aware college was a family decision. DD was rather taken with the University of Hawaii for a time purely for the sunshine!</p>
<p>If your family can comfortably afford the expensive option and DS loves it, I would want to have a good reason to say no. But if it’s a stretch to pay, as it is for most right now, he would have to give me a phenomenal reason to say yes.</p>
<p>I’d need to know what specifically you don’t like about this school before I’d know how to advise you.</p>
<p>I also question why you let your son apply to this school if you didn’t want to/couldn’t afford to pay for it, and you didn’t like it (although it sounds like your opinion of this school has gone downhill over the past few months, perhaps since applications were already submitted).</p>
<p>Parents reading this thread - be upfront with your kids! If you have price limits, say so. Don’t let your kid put a lot of emotional energy into being accepted into a school that you aren’t willing to pay for.</p>
<p>Our guidance office says parents have say in 2 areas: cost, and location/safety. Be straight with your kid about those 2 things from the beginning. Beyond that, leave it up to the kid to go where they want.</p>
<p>Perhaps I’m misinterpreting Indiana91, but it sounds like he or she would have been perfectly willing to pay for a school as expensive as son’s #1, if it wasn’t this particular school. In other words, Indiana would be vetoing the school because s/he doesn’t like it, not because of the expense.</p>
<p>Indiana, what have you previously discussed with your son about applications? He may think it’s unfair if you <em>now</em> decide not to pay for this school, if you had previously told him it was his decision and you were willing to pay. What promises have you already made? How willing are you to go back on your promises and commitments, if in fact you’ve made them? </p>
<p>If a parent’s economic circumstances have changed since their child applied, that is one thing. But if not… well, you told your son it was his decision. Are you changing your mind?</p>
<p>I agree with you, Lafalum84, that parents should be upfront about money from the start.</p>
<p>But, as much sense as that makes, I don’t think I would have started discussing it with my son from the get-go if I didn’t hear the advice from that admissions counselor. I probably would have put it off until I knew it was “necessary” (after the offers came in). Apparently, according to this lady, that’s the most common mistake parents make in the process. And she says it causes a lot of anguish in the end. I’m lucky I got to hear the advice from the start.</p>
<p>I’ve read from other people on CC that it’s a mistake to let your kid apply to a school you cannot afford.</p>
<p>BUT:</p>
<p>We heard so many times, from the HS guidance counselor, books on college apps, private school admissions people we visited – if the school is a good fit, you shouldn’t let the sticker price keep you from applying. Private schools can offer great scholarships, which can ultimately equalize costs with state schools.</p>
<p>We listened to that advice. Consequently, my son has offers to 3 private schools so far that will now cost me less than the state school he applied to. (Well, we know another scholarship is in the mail from the state school – it may equalize the costs again.) If he hadn’t applied, he wouldn’t have known. </p>
<p>(Admittedly, he also has offers of acceptance to a few private schools that I couldn’t hope to afford, despite the fact that he got nice scholarships there. As nice as the scholarships are, they’re simply not enough.)</p>
<p>If he hadn’t applied to schools I could not afford, there’d be no chance that he could have attended any of them! Now, he gets to!</p>
<p>Indiana–I can relate in a way. My DH was opposed at the outset philosophically to a school my DS was very intrigued with (it’s waaaay to liberal for DH). DH did finally agree to let DS apply…we kind of thought he wouldn’t be admitted but of course he was…and it costs way more than our excellent in-state where he as also admitted, tho we are fortunate enough to afford either…tension has risen in the household…<strong><em>warning sign to others</em></strong>*</p>
<p>When I talk to parents about financial aid, I always tell them that the first thing they need to do is find their EFC (IM & FM). Then they should have a frank discussion with their child about what they can realistically pay. I do tell them that private colleges can make themselves affordable (my D attends a very expensive school that has made itself more affordable than our state schools). But I tell them that they MUST be honest about the fact that if the aid package is not good enough, the school is out. I recall looking at the financial aid package my D got from one school (that meets 100% of need, BTW) - D knew immediately that it was a no-go.</p>
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<p>Being unhappy with my interactions with the school so far would be reason enough for me to veto this school. That is way too much money to spend for a school that is not a fit for both student and bill payer. </p>
<p>We’ve never had a list of purely academic reach/match/safety. Right from the start we’ve been upfront with our child about what each school would have to offer in FA for it to be possible for him to attend. He’s struggled with that reality from time to time but we’ve been firm and he understands it. </p>
<p>When I hear experts say that price should be the last thing considered when looking at colleges, I picture them typing that while sitting on the deck of their oceanfront homes in Malibu. Even teachers and counselors as his school have given him terrible advice regarding money. We’ve taken a holistic approach from the start and, so far, it’s paid off.</p>
<p>kelsmom, that’s exactly the advice I heard from that college admissions person at the end of my son’s sophomore year. Excellent advice, I now know.</p>
<p>Thanks all, for your thoughts! We were upfront about cost limitations, and, like others here, we were told by the HS to not think about money when applying because of the FA potential. In fact, he has received FA from every other private school, which is why this school is so much more than his other choices. He knows the cost issues and understands if the school needs to be removed from the list. We really should have taken it off of the table as soon as the FA letter arrived.</p>
<p>If we thought that this school was so much better than his other choices, we’d make it work with a home equity loan (assuming that they’re still available in this economy), but his other choices are excellent and he still wants to visit a few “one more time” before deciding. As I read the comments here, I think that I’m not the bad guy for insisting that we keep to the original FA-is-necessary plan. I’ll do much better with this whole process next time :)</p>