<p>Just wondering if any other parents out there have parent guilt about their college students and helping them financially.</p>
<p>Here's my situation. My daughter has always worked since getting her license and has always been pretty frugal about saving her money. We take care of all of tuition expenses, books, dorm and food. She should graduate with no debt.</p>
<p>As her hs grad gift, we paid half for her new car and will pay all of her insurance while she is in school. She is responsible for the gas or any other expenses. It now needs a $300.00 repair, which she is expected to pay for, but I am left feeling terribly guilty about leaving her with the burden.</p>
<p>We could just pay for it, but I feel like kids need to learn lessons about money and this is a perfect example about life lessons. This goes along with feeling bad for her when her friends at college get handed money weekly and or monthly by their parents just to spend on whatever they wish. </p>
<p>We obviously don’t move in the same circles. The high school my kids attend has a 50% free/reduced lunch rate (and that makes us better off than some others). The high school walk zone is 3 miles, and I do see the same kids walk by my house on their way to and from school day after day, in all kinds of weather. </p>
<p>If anything, I feel guilty at times that I can give my kids so much (and much is a relative term) while others do without. We just don’t live in an environment where handouts are possible for most people.</p>
<p>I think you are doing the right thing. Wait until she actually runs out of money and then have a conversation about helping her out and what the terms should be.</p>
<p>We have had this a bit. We told S that if he wanted a car at his U (he did), he would be TOTALLY responsible for it–insurance, AAA, gas, maintenance, parking. (We did cover the cost of shipping it to him for $500, but he had to make arrangements & pick it up at the dock in San Diego.) He has mostly done pretty well about it, but we DID take it in for an oil change when we visited because he hadn’t done so and we were driving it to Santa Barbara from LA & back. We also didn’t give him spending money–told him that if he wanted/needed any, please write a budget and we’d be happy to discuss it. He declined and was able to make do with other funds he had. When he turned 22 & lost family medical insurance coverage, we danced around about who should pay for his insurance. We ended up paying for it, though I think I may have gotten him to pay one or two months of the premiums. We have since been able to add him back to the family policy. :)</p>
<p>We were firm that whomever decides to have a vehicle in college or beyond be responsible for all costs associated with it. D has been asking about borrowing his car & we told her the same thing. She isn’t really interested (or comfortably able) to assume the bills associated with auto insurance, AAA, maintenance and gas, so she’s stopped asking. S has told her the same thing. I think she’s deciding it’s easier to be nice to her friends who do own cars than to deal with the hassles & expense of a vehicle herself.</p>
<p>It’s important to us that they recognize the costs and responsibilities of owning something–vehicle or whatever. If we always step in it really doesn’t help them recognize the true costs and value it accordingly.</p>
<p>Personally, I didn’t own a vehicle until I graduated from law school & that vehicle was so unsafe I had to purchase one that wouldn’t have the car doors opening at every turn and rust raining down on the occupants. I was grateful to my friends who did own vehicles & handled all the hassles & expenses.</p>
<p>OP, we made ds pay for half the new catalytic converter in his car, which we pay insurance on. But we don’t feel guilty about it. He pays for gas. He also pays for his flights to and from school and works for his spending money.</p>
<p>Different strokes, different folks. I think you’re doing the right thing. Entitlement irks me. I think it’s good to make kids work for what they have/want. Nothing worse than a kid who was born on third but who thinks he hit a triple.</p>
<p>Wow, you already are able to give your child so much! (My kids will be in line with adoption papers for you to sign if you’re ever in the market for more kids. ;))</p>
<p>As a recent college grad of almost two years, I can say you are definitely doing enough for your daughter. While I understand that you want her to be able to focus on her studies while she is in college, it is important for her to use this time to be a responsible and independent adult. You’re already paying for all of her needs (tuition, books, room and board). If you pay for all of her wants throughout college as well, graduating and being responsible for all her own expenses will be a big shock. I paid for all of my college expenses myself, (tuition, books, room and board) with the exception of my parents chipping in about $1,000 one or two semesters when I was short on immediate cash. To do this, I took all the credits I could from community college. My parents did give me a used car that I could drive and helped out with any major car repairs. All this to say, I took school a lot more seriously than a lot of my friends whose parents paid for it for them. I graduated with honors because I knew and felt how much it cost. On a side note, I have a friend whose parents paid for her undergraduate degree, and is now working on her graduate degree and she can’t understand why they don’t want to take out another loan. She spends irresponsibly, and has tons of credit card debt. Parents out there, I understand if you want to help make your kids lives easier, but you’re not helping them if you still treat them like kids and pay for everything for them when they’re supposed to be learning how to be responsible adults.</p>
<p>This is a good lesson about the true costs of ownership of a car. I agree with a previous poster that if she needs your help, she’ll ask. Then you guys can come up with a plan.</p>
<p>Your daughter, whether she knows it or not later on, will thank you for any of the financial discipline you instill into her. It is a balance that we have to carefully navigate. Actually the sooner and the more you let her take responsibility, in a different way the more you are giving her as a parents.</p>
<p>$300 for a repair bill will almost break the bank for a college student. Since you are confident that daughter is frugal and sensible and has always worked hard, I would suggest at least split it with her. No harm to indulge kids a little if they are responsible.</p>
<p>Count yourself blessed that you have been able to help your child so much already. She will appreciate the life lesson and sense of accomplishment that comes from supporting herself. It is also a great experience to realize that you have to save for those pesky unexpected expenses - like car and house repair, medical bills, etc.</p>
<p>I firmly believe that teaching our children to be self-sufficient is a gift to them.</p>
<p>My children are still small, but when I see other small children being indulged, I assume it is for reasons I can’t see. For example, the child might have an anxiety disorder that the parent is working on, but which is still there. Or something. They also might be spoiled to the nines. We just don’t know. That doesn’t change the fact that the right thing for <em>me</em> to do, knowing my own children, is to let them grow up.</p>
<p>But yes, sometimes I see other four-year-olds with handheld game devices and my daughter is begging for one, but I tell her she wouldn’t be bored if she learned to read, and I feel a little hint of guilt, wondering for a split second if I’m depriving her. Then I remember how everyone told my mom we were deprived because we didn’t have cable television, and I think of where those kids are now! I’m so glad she didn’t waste her money on that, and that we got to be independent adults at a young age.</p>
<p>I can see a clear difference in the way I & my older sibs were raised and how the younger ones were (we were living mostly paycheck to paycheck when we were young but had more income when they were growing up). We have a much stronger work ethic and “money sense” than my younger sibs, which has stood us in good stead. </p>
<p>The “baby” in our family is in his 40s and barely has any savings, tho he has much more income than we do and has for a long time. </p>
<p>He & his wife rarely ever cook but always go out to eat with their two kids or have takeout–very expensive lifestyle.</p>
<p>You can ask your D if the $300 will put a huge hole in her budget. If so, perhaps you could offer her a no interest loan of some portion of the funds, perhaps until her summer job starts & she gets income from it?</p>
<p>I do know how you feel, and am guilty of wanting to do too much for my kids sometimes. My son recently needed new tires and a maintenance due for the car that he needed to take up north for his fellowship position in the fall. He isn’t making much money with the fellowship stipend - barely breaking even, but he did have money in a savings account that would cover the expense, which came to around $1000. We let him pay for the tires as well as the maintenance , but I felt badly at first that he had to do it. But I soon got over it.
It can be hard for us as parents- especially those of us who can more easily afford to “help out” to let them take on these responsibilities. I think we deprive our children their sense of competence and independence when we take away the challenges that come with growing up, including the financial ones. I know it stung for my son to have to take out his hard-earned cash from savings to maintain his car when he was not earning much money- but hey, that’s part of adult life. But I do understand your feelings- I think it’s part of being a mom.</p>
<p>I think kids really DO value things more when it’s THEIR money rather than what they were handed. We learned that when we gave them spending money on vacations–the way to find out if they REALLY wanted the trinket was to remind them they they held it in their hand whether to buy or not buy X or Y. We ended up with a lot fewer dust collectors. :)</p>
<p>Wow I wish my mom could CHOOSE whether or not she would help me . I agree with some of the other posters though, you have already acknowledged the fact that she is frugal and responsible or whatever, so I don’t think that helping her in the process will be detrimental. Maybe you can give it to her as a “loan” and have her pay it back maybe monthly or in full when she has the chance. That would be beneficial and would also resolve her problem .</p>
<p>However families decide to split other expenses during college, I think the car for a full time student is generally a luxury and a good opportunity for the kid to learn what things really cost. This is an area of expense that offers much learning potential in that there are unexpected costs, the variability of fuel and insurance(which is dependent on your driving skill/responsibility) and if the going gets rough - can be eliminated to keep education the focus and priority in a college kids life.</p>
<p>*$300 for a repair bill will almost break the bank for a college student. Since you are confident that daughter is frugal and sensible and has always worked hard, I would suggest at least split it with her. No harm to indulge kids a little if they are responsible. *</p>
<p>I agree and this is why. </p>
<p>sometimes when kids are good savers and their parents make them pay for more things it can backfire a bit. What if she wasn’t a good saver and didn’t have the 300? You’d probably pay for half or more. One of my younger sister’s was a good saver and the other wasn’t (they are a year apart). When the “good saver” saw that my parents ended up having to pay for things because the “bad saver” didn’t have the money, the “good saver” became discouraged and started “blowing” her savings. </p>
He pays for gas. He also pays for his flights to and from school and works for his spending money.</p>
. I agree with some of the other posters though, you have already acknowledged the fact that she is frugal and responsible or whatever, so I don’t think that helping her in the process will be detrimental. Maybe you can give it to her as a “loan” and have her pay it back maybe monthly or in full when she has the chance. That would be beneficial and would also resolve her problem .</p>