Parent looking at other kids' stats

Parent Cafe
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<p><a href=“@Pizzagirl,%20does%20anyone%20ever%20say%20you%20have%20kind%20of%20a%20strident%20tone?%20I’m%20sure%20you%20are%20unaware?%20I%20apologize%20if%20I%20am%20reading%20you%20wrong”>quote</a>

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<p>I know I can come across snarkier than I am in real life! I’ll tone it down! Sometimes the written word doesn’t accurately convey a tonality … you know how that goes! </p>

<p>I guess what I’m asking is … OK, so now Nosy Mom knows my kid has a 3.5 GPA and a 1800 SAT – whether she snooped in a file she shouldn’t have, or whether he innocently revealed it to her in a conversation such as the one you describe. Now, of course there should be precautions against snooping – no argument there, files should be locked and that information distributed only on a need-to-know basis. I may not <em>like</em> her knowing, my kid may not <em>like</em> her knowing, but what is she really going to do that’s going to impact in my kid in any way in terms of where he winds up applying and going to college? My kid and I are going to make those decisions, not her. The adcoms at those colleges are going to accept or reject my kid, not her. I guess it’s the same question I have as to why I should care about potentially offending Nosy Mom Who Is Head of the PTA. I think people who are gossips like that – if you just let their comments drop right to the floor, then they don’t have any power over you. I like my privacy, and I certainly don’t <em>like</em> other people knowing these things (whether my kid is flunking out or heading for Harvard) because I think they are no one else’s business, but I’m hard pressed to see what actual harm could result other than my dislike of the situation or my kid’s dislike of the situation. Does that clarify it better?</p>

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<p>Agreed. There have been lots of press about people losing their jobs in the medical field because they just had to snoop into Britney Spears medical file. Criminal charges were brought against the woman who snooped in Farrah Fawcett’s medical files and sold info to the tabloids. </p>

<p>We all should be more careful about talking about others to others. Period.</p>

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<p>Pizzagirl, I think that’s very insightful, and really I, and maybe others, have to think – why should anyone care what a Nosy Mom says about my kid or his/her stats? What possible influence could she have?</p>

<p>It probably is a commentary about the character of some parents who never grew out of the teenage bullying phase, and for some of us who expended a lot of energy avoiding the bully or trying to find a way to not get the bully’s attention, it can bring back some old issues. So, but what does that have to do with the kids?</p>

<p>I think it’s the atmosphere that is created around the school – is it helpful or unhelpful to your child? Lots of parents tiptoe around school counselors, teachers, and staff just so their kid will get positive vibes and endure the excruciating process of college applications with the best possible chances. When it seems as if there’s a monkey wrench in the works – an “insider” parent with ulterior motives – you have to question, what is she actually doing?</p>

<p>I guess an even worse scenario, and one that can’t be known, is if that volunteer Nosy Mom is actually giving out advice, or even hints of advice, to kids that will steer them away from certain colleges – possibly the ones her kid is interested in? Or just saying, completely off the record, things like “well you won’t get in there” to dampen a kid’s confidence? Who knows? That looks like insider trading, only much, much worse from the perspective of families.</p>

<p>I don’t know, but it’s a great question, Pizzagirl.</p>

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<p>We just had another thread spotlighting a Mom who changed hundreds of grades and scores, so I suppose there might be a chance that a volunteer would try to sabotage another kid’s application to the same school that her daughter is applying to. </p>

<p>But I think this is the rare exception, not the rule. I was happy to give a student my help when she asked me to look at her essay to a school that my daughter was also applying to. She got in; my D did not. It would never have occurred to me to try to sabotage her essay!</p>

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<p>Hopefully I’ve redeemed myself with you, Anudduhmom :-).</p>

<p>So let’s say I (as the parent) think School X it’s a good fit / good choice, and my kid investigates / agrees. Then Nosy Mom opens her mouth and makes an offhand remark to my kid that he shouldn’t go there, or he won’t get in, or whatever (because she’s angling for her kid to go there instead).</p>

<p>So my kid then says to me, “I guess I’m not as interested in School X.” “Why, honey?” “Nosy Mom said … blah blah blah.” I guess my reaction would be that Nosy Mom has as little to do with anything as the barista at Starbucks and that if he’s still interested in School X, go for it … I guess I wouldn’t even give her opinions the time of day and use it as an opportunity to teach my kids to do the same!</p>

<p>Nosy Mom’s comments about what my kid “should” do with his GPA and his grades and EC’s are the equivalent of the tree falling in the forest.</p>

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<p>I guess in the case of the OP’s nosy nemesis… there is a valid concern that, having positioned herself as one who’s “in the know” and privy to all sorts of confidential information about students, she could make veiled statements that might cast doubt on a particular student. Especially if she’s ever in contact with college admissions officers. Might she affect a recommendation? Who knows?</p>

<p>We dealt with an office gossip for a few years at my son’s high school – not a volunteer, but staff. She just loved to talk, and more than once told me a hair-raising story about some other student’s personal life – stuff I shouldn’t have known. I learned to be very careful with what I said around her!</p>

<p>I disagree with the folks here who say that a volunteer can’t have access to student records according to FERPA; if her position involves managing those records, then of course she has a reason to have access. However, she must not disclose their content except to the student (and parents, if the student is a minor) and school officials as necessary. Somebody at that school needs to take her aside, make the law clear to her, and call her out on her prurient interest in other students’ records. Even the veiled “can’t tell you what I know” statements are highly unprofessional.</p>

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<p>I agree that the counselor’s office or whereever this parent is working, along with the school in general should be given a reminder of confidentiality of student records. </p>

<p>This is a tough issue, however. If you keep your ears wide open, you can pick up a lot of information. I have learned so much about other kids’, families’ private business just from getting a piece of info here or there. If I really wanted to find out what someone’s grades are, I am sure I could get a good idea of where they stand. </p>

<p>I know that at my sons’ school , all college app info is compiled in a notebook. Since the class size is not that big, and most us know each other, I can guess who the actual kids are in many cases from the data even though no names are given. It is after the fact, so that isn’t such a biggie.</p>

<p>Also if any honor rolls are out there, it is pretty clear who is getting the top grades. Some schools even have several categories in the honor rolls, so you can get a particularly clear picture. </p>

<p>This is an issue, however, when you have loose lipped folks in a school whether they are personale such as teachers, secretaries, admins, counselors or volunteers. You can tell people all you want that they should not share certain info. If they have big mouths, it is difficult to nail them, as most people don’t want to get involved in such directed frays. </p>

<p>I had a big spat with the counselors at my oldest S’s high school. All info was right out in the open on the counselors’ secretary’s desk. She had multiple duties, and her desk was not in an office but in an open alcove. It was often unmanned with all stuff out there. Yet, the school principal and others had spasms and were sputtering excuses when I complained. Heck, anyone could grab a bunch of important papers from that desk including confidential recs, transcripts, whole applications, etc. For all I know, they are back to operating that way again.</p>

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[QUOTE=cptofthehouse]

Heck, anyone could grab a bunch of important papers from that desk including confidential recs, transcripts, whole applications, etc.

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Seen this. And they wondered why I wasn’t willing to give them my social security number for reporting purposes when I made a donation. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>Yep. These was the worst case I have ever seen, but you know, I have walked into classrooms and offices where no one is there, and private info is splayed on the desk or tables. </p>

<p>When I worked, I always kept my papers on the credenza behind me with just the relevant papers on the desk,which I immediately put back on the credenza when anyone entered my office. I worked with confidential info and my company took their responsibilities regarding privacy very seriously. If I left the office, even for an instant, I would lock my door unless my papers were put away in a locked place. </p>

<p>But if anyone things SSN, pay, any of that info is truly confidential, he is fooling himself. The number of companies and employees that see that info is really astounding. All it takes is someone with a big mouth. I worked with such info as ssns, pension accounts, salaries, etc of a very large number of people and could look up that info very easily even if I was not working on that case, as the files were openly accessible to all employees of our company. This is still the case.</p>

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<p>By the way $50 and a half hour is all it takes to get a SSn from a private detective most of the time.</p>

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<p>There is a basic principle of confidentiality regardless of which activity you are involved in: medical, legal, financial, etc. </p>

<p>If you obtain confidential information as part of your job (or volunteer work), then you have to keep it to yourself. </p>

<p>If you obtain confidential information outside your job (or volunteer work), then you are free to spread the gossip around.</p>

<p>For example: </p>

<p>If you are a doctor and your hairdresser tells you that your neighbor has breast cancer, you are free to talk about it with your other friends. If your neighbor comes to you as a patient for treatment of breast cancer then you cannot.</p>

<p>Similarly, if you are volunteering in the school and find out grades/scores, you have to keep that information to yourself. If you pick up that same information while talking to another mom on the soccer field, it is fair game.</p>

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<p>Fair game for what, though? If I (theoretically) could recite the grades, GPA, SAT scores, etc. of every single kid in my kids’ class, what could I do with those things that would materially impact or hurt those kids’ chances of getting into the colleges that they want? I’m still not getting how I could cause damage. (Short of doing something fraudulent, like calling a school and reporting that an applicant was suspended for fighting or somesuch.) Their applications are between them and their schools.</p>

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<p>Fair game in that you didn’t breach any confidentiality rules…</p>

<p>But I agree with you–what’s the harm? I do have to admit, though, that I was never amused when the kids would tell the grocery checker how old I was…:)</p>

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<p>I too like my privacy, so I’d consider another parent discussing my kids’ stats for any reason or under any circumstances (unless I’d asked for their help - or anonymously, in an online forum :wink: ) to be just … despicable. Although there probably is no way such a person could have a material effect on college application outcomes, it’s still wildly inappropriate and an offensive breach of decent manners.

If I were the OP’s friend, I’d drop a casual pebble into the hs pool - maybe a mildly concerned conversation with an administrator, asking how so-and-so might have learned my child’s statistics? Oh, are they available to volunteers? Really. And are there confidentiality guidelines? And is that how other schools in the area handle this issue, do you know? Interesting. Something to make a light bulb go on in the administrator’s mind that maybe certain information should be kept private, even from “prominent” volunteers. </p>

<p>I overheard a startling conversation in my d’s ballet studio several years ago. One of the moms was an English teacher at a local parochial school who was hired as an essay reader for the NY 8th grade English Language Arts exam. The test was new at the time, and she explained the scoring procedure, which was good to know - then she unblushingly admitted to using her system access to look up the scores of 8th grade students at the studio. And she announced them! </p>

<p>It was maybe the most unprofessional thing I ever heard. I considered calling someone, somewhere, but decided against it because half of everything this woman ever said was a lie (I suspected a significant alcohol problem), and I wasn’t part of the conversation and so didn’t hear every detail. It belatedly occurs to me that a hired reader today would probably not be able to match the student with her essay, but security would have been more relaxed 7-8 years ago.</p>

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<p>^She should have at least blushed! :eek:</p>

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<p>We lived in a neighborhood that held meetings regularly, discussing all kinds of things. At one meeting, one of those present who was a long time teacher at a local school let out information on some of the neighborhood kids that was truly inappropriate and unprofessional. This does happen, unfortunately. I listened to a psychologist once tell a story about one of her patients, and I recognized the person from some key info. It’s a tricky situation. </p>

<p>Now in my older age, I will say something if I hear something that is over the line in my opinion. That stops the discussion right there. But I am not always there.</p>

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<p>^ Reminds me of a teacher at our school who had kids at the school. The teacher would regularly air what she considered to be the school’s “dirty laundry” to other parents in the parking lot. She saw no conflict with this because she was “acting as a parent” at the time. The “dirty laundry” consisted of intra-office conflicts (usually instigated by her over an issue with one of her kids) or gossip about students. Most unprofessional. Blessedly, she decided not to put in for contract renewal at the end of the year. Also pulled her kids out of the school, but they were back before Christmas. Great kids. Parents somewhat lacking in judgment, maturity, and common sense.</p>

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<p>Right or wrong, I heard enough “confidential” information while my kids were in high school to form the opinion that there is no real privacy at most HS campuses. It is very different at the college level, where student privacy reigns supreme.</p>

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<p>Ready: at our HS, parents are not permitted to be involved AT ALL in the college/guidance office if they have children in the district…very surprised this is permitted without some sort of confidentiality agreement…</p>

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<p>RTR, the next school year is going to be stressful enough for you. The only conversation you should have with the nosy parent should be about the weather. Don’t let her affect you in any way.
There is no privacy at my kids’ school. Parents volunteer at the business office, auctions, fund raisers ect. The kids spend a lot of time together and talk.</p>